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Thursday, January 20, 2011


i love the cinema.

i am a movie fan. i am not an expert. i am not a buff. i just love watching movies.

there are few things better than sitting in a cinema and being caught up in the world of the silver screen. (true that these days it is harder to have those magical moments thanks to mobile phones and people who have no idea what ’a whisper' is, but on those occasions when the audience is rapt there is a sense of utter joy.)
not all things are wonderful in the world of visiting cinemas.

the advent of 3d is an annoyance. i have yet to see a movie that benefits from it, the glasses are too small and i get a headache from them. still if the movie is good then i can 'forget' the glasses.

then there are the adverts. having to see the same adverts time and time again. inexplicable car adverts that leave you baffled by their 'message', mobile phone ads that promise you a whole world of excitement with just the press of a few buttons. or something to do with perfumes, holidays or household improvements. then there are the odd ‘universal’ ads that have been voiced over by english actors and just look wrong.

some ads are very funny at for the first couple of viewings. then slowly but surely they just become annoying. though not as annoying as the iggy pop insurance ads – not sure anything can be more annoying than they are.

it is the trailers that fill me with a mix of thrills and dread.

when i was a kid summer was the best time to go to the cinema. i would go several times a week, many happy days at cinemas such as the northfields odeon; rayner’s lane odeon; the abc at ealing broadway or the harrow granada cinema (where i saw my first x movie). no matter how good the movie was there was always something special about the trailers. they would hint at movies that would be coming in the next few months. as the summer passed i could tick off all the movies from the trailers that i had seen and just dream of the ones i couldn’t see.
now trailers begin being shown months in advance. so while i have been wowed by the trailers for ‘thor’ and ‘green lantern’ i know i am going to be bored of them before the movies are released. i am already bored with the ‘pirates of the caribbean’ trailer and the movie isn’t released until may. ugh.

what i can’t forgive is the trailer that offers hope, the trailer that makes you go ‘oh wow that looks interesting’ and then delivers the killer blow of telling you what the movie is. there i was sitting back enjoying the start of a trailer. it has space in it; look there is an apollo landing craft hurtling through the sky. good so far. it’s apollo 11 and it is the first moon landing. interesting. armstrong doing his ‘small step’ bit. history. back to mission control and the hint that all is not as it seems. conspiracy. ok i am hooked. secret mission on the moon, only a short time to carry it out. yes, yes, yes i am sold. let me see it now. astronauts bounce over the surface of the moon towards a crashed spacecraft. wow and wowsa. this just keeps getting better. secret mission and crashed visitors from space. astronaut is all awed and agog and utters the words “you will not believe what we are seeing.”

and he is right.

i don’t believe what i am seeing as up on the screen floats the legend: “from director michael bay.” nooooooooooo. don’t do that to me. no, it can’t be, it isn’t right. the sf alien conspiracy movie i was dreaming of has just become a transformers movie.

a fucking transformers movie.

a fucking shit transformers movie that will be loud and make no sense.

my silver screen dream lies shattered on the rocks of bad film-making.

i can’t believe it another fucking transformers movie.

what did we do to deserve this?

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