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Tuesday, November 20, 2012


sometimes people say things to make themselves look stronger.
sometimes people say things to make themselves look wiser.

talk is cheap.
sometimes if you are going to talk the talk you have to walk the walk.

just recently a few people have let their mouths do the thinking.

Monday, November 19, 2012


agatha christie's the mousetrap has been playing in the west end longer than i have been drinking fizzy pop and coffee.
it turned 60 years old this week, and added just another day and show to its ever increasing record of being the longest-running show.

i have never seen it.
i have never read an agatha christie novel, i have seen films based on her books.

the mousetrap is one of those london things you keep meaning to do, but end up saying 'maybe next week/month/year.'

to celebrate the 25,000th performancce there was a special cast production of famous names - while i can see the marketing and news angle to that, i can also see how it would have pissed of all the regular cast members who soldier on night after night after night in what must be the most thankless task on stage - you just know you are not going to get reviewed or mentioned until there is a landmark like this and what happens? a bunch of famous tv types get all the glory.

don't put your daughter on the stage mrs. worthington!

another reason i have never rushed to see 'the mousetrap' was because i knew the ending (the secret of the show's longevity is supposed to be that the audience, never reveals the culprit), however i thought i knew who had done the whodunit.
i was discussing this with a pal and not only did he tell me i had gotten the suspect wrong he then went on to tell me who had done it.

so the butler never did it.

well happy birthday 'the mousetrap' and maybe this year i will go to see it (as an added bonus ticket prices for the show will have a surcharge on them in order to help fund theatre for the disadvantaged and a large chunk of royalties will also be given over to the charity. so go see a piece of theatrical history and do good at the same time).

even better i haven't told you who did it.

Sunday, November 18, 2012


when i was a kid i used to get holes in the knees of my jeans, no idea why just that the knees always went. it might have been from playing marbles (not that i was any good at marbles) it might have been from playing football (and i was hopeless at football) it might have been from climbing up stuff and scrambling down stuff (even less successful at this than football). no matter what the reason was there would come a time when the knees in my jeans would go and i would walk around looking like a tramp. 

i used to work with a quite a rotund chap and who wasn’t going to be winning any beauty prizes (double page spreads in whaler’s monthly not withstanding). yet he would wear expensive brand name jeans – and i’m not talking about levi or wranglers here i mean those designer labels that have silly logos that take up half the jeans, that have been artfully distressed with clever fraying here and there. funny thing was he wore them badly – they just didn’t suit.
what was strange about his wearing of these jeans was it didn’t make him look any better – he was still fat and ugly, the brand name just highlighting it even more. very much a case of pig’s ear silk purse or mutton dressed as lamb.

i have been blessed with the knowledge that no matter what i wear i will always look like a fat slob. the best i can hope for is that the clothes fit, an added bonus is that i manage to colour coordinate.
one of the benefits of this realisation is that i don’t spend that much money on clothes.
so most of my jeans are cheap and cheerful no name brands: mostly sainsbury’s basic. cheap and they do the job.
just recently a few pairs have developed holes. no longer do the holes appear at the knees where i could at least claim a modicum of street cred trendiness. no these holes have appeared in the arse of my jeans. i have no idea why i keep getting rips in my jeans – it could be the toxic fumes that escape my arse on regular, and frequent, occurrences and sometimes with such ferocity that it makes the kers system on a formula 1 car look like a wind-up mechanism.  it could also be the corrosive effect of the sweat from by nut sac. yeah i know it isn’t a pretty picture, but we are all adults here and if you can’t discuss ball bag lube with friends then just who can you?

anyway regardless of what causes it – holes in the arse of my jeans have appeared.
not just in one pair, not just in two, but in three pairs. last time this sort of thing happened to me was in runcorn and i had to resort to gaffa tape. it chafed.
as if to make matters worse i wander along to my local sainsbury’s to scout out some jeans and blow me down and tickle my tum but they have gone all up market with gok wan and clothes that are designed for skinny trendy people.

no basic jeans. no cheap jeans. no basic cheap jeans.
holes in the arse of my jeans: disaster.
no cheap basic jeans: disaster.

put them together and we have discovered just what it is the mayan’s were referring to. 

Wednesday, November 14, 2012


there i was out getting some food.
it was early evening. the supermarket not that full. people roaming the aisles forlornly looking for something to excite the taste buds.
as i wandered to the cake section (i have a sweet tooth and a craving for cream cakes - so sue me) when i overheard two young ladies talking. their baskets quite full.

"i haven't even started my christmas shopping!"
her mate agreed that she also needed to start her christmas shop.

i confess to being flabbergasted.and nearly took to a fit of giggles.
here we are still in the middle of november and people are worried about their christmas shop.
just how much do you planning on buying that you need the best part of six weeks to do it in? just how long does the list take to write out of the gifts and supplies you are getting?
war campaigns have been planned and won in less time.

yes i know that there are people out there who are smugly sitting there telling everyone that they finished their christmas shopping back in september, but we all know that they are lying. there are a few who have probably started on next year's christmas shop.

i suspect by now the two ladies are well into their christmas shop and they are fully aware of how many more days they have.

me i might start to panic come christmas eve. 

Friday, November 09, 2012


here wiggo here wiggo – was one of the summer’s chants as bradley wiggins managed to move effortlessly from national sporting hero to national treasure over the course of a blinding summer of sport. along with his sideburns bradley wiggins triumphed in the tour de france and followed that up with an olympic gold.
take that you dope fiends.

hats off to him.

summer has gone and sport has returned to its usual fare of football, football and more football.

the success that cycling enjoyed over the summer had a positive knock on effect to the population at large: more of us are using the bike.
add to that the ‘boris bike’ scheme and cycling is even easier in london.
however i am not one of those who have taken to pedal power. i would be shit on a bike; i have enough problems not bumping into things when i am walking so lawks knows what i would be like on a bike. so i don’t saddle up. that said i love the idea of lots of other people cycling. fewer cars would make london a much better place to walk around.
on the face of it i am pro bikes.

another reason why i avoid cycling is the constant stream of stories about how dangerous it is to ride a bike in the city and how motorists just don’t pay enough attention to what the cyclist is doing. there has been an increase in the number of accidents that have occurred to bike users.
just to prove he is mortal even bradley wiggins has been knocked off his bike by the bad habits of a driver.
cue the calls to do something to make cycling safer.

across the road from me is a ghost bike, it indicates that someone has died in an accident, so i should be sympathetic to the cyclist cause.
i am not.
why? i can hear some of you ask.
simply because cyclists seem to do themselves no favours, quite a few of them appear to be accidents waiting to happen – they all vie for the winning of a darwin award.

i live near two very busy main roads. one of the more dangerous aspects of crossing these roads are the cyclists who decide to bomb down them without much care and attention to what is going on around them. it is even worse at night as cyclists appear out of nowhere without warning because they can’t be arsed to have a front or rear light or wear a hi-viz top – most of them dress like ninjas so that they can blend into the night. all of them get shirty when something comes close to them.
at least they are cycling on the road.

the real cycle scum are those who decide that their very large bike is going to be ridden on the pavement, through crowds and if the crowd happens to slow them down they will curse and tut – but they will never go to the street. or there are the billy whizzers who zip in and out of pedestrians. pretty much all pavement using cyclists go without lights and hi-viz gear.

frankly if you are going to be a nuisance and if you are not going to take proper safety precautions then i don’t have sympathy with or for you.

when it comes to reporting cycle injuries and deaths there are some things that i would want to see in the report: was the cyclist wearing a helmet? was the cyclist in hi-viz gear (or even brightly coloured clothing)? did the cyclist have two working lights that could be easily seen? answer no to any of them and perhaps the blame isn’t so easy to apportion to drivers.

it may seem harsh, but if it gets the message across to a few more people that they need to be responsible for themselves when they get on a bike then i think you will agree with me that i am being quite sensible.

Thursday, November 08, 2012


it appears there can be no denying that jimmy savile was a kiddie fiddler on an industrial scale, and that makes him an extraordinary cunt.

you would have thought that other people who become involved in this sorry saga would do their best not to enter the same cunt territory, alas no there are oodles and boodles of people who seem to want to be douchebags of the highest order.

you have the various organs of the media who have decided that the savile story isn’t about child abuse it is about attacking the bbc. the victims sidelined, almost forgotten. where the media could be doing useful and informative, albeit very depressing, pieces about child abuse they just choose to sensationalise and trivialise while taking pots shots at the bbc. of course it isn’t as they don’t have an agenda, after all with the bbc shrunk or gone then the daily mail and news international could be raking it in.

as the sun newspaper begins to imply that savile was also a serial killer, like his ‘friend’ peter sutcliffe, they have taken to calling him ‘the bbc paedophile’ not the ‘dj paedo’, not the ‘leeds paedo’ or the ‘marathon molester’ the ‘bbc paedophile’, all in order to damage the bbc.

the editors and the powers that be are just scraping the barrel n order to generate sales and to score points against the bbc.  remember that these are news organs who are arguing for press freedom in order to be able to investigate what is in the public interest – yet all of them seemingly happy to sit on this story.

it is why they are cunts.

the second group of cunts are the endless parade of people who come forward he knew that jimmy was a wrong ‘un. that what he did shocked and disgusted them – but somehow they couldn’t say anything back then, but now they have found their voices.
hey better late than never.
well, no not really.
though i have to clarify that statement: the people who annoy me are the ones who claim that couldn’t say anything back then, wheel off an excuse or two (he was protected by his charity work, for instance, or he was incredibly well connected because of his on screen fame). to be honest it is a little hard to take from several of these people as they all seem to have had high powered jobs and salaries from working in the media back then and are still working in the media now. ample time and opportunity to speak out, they didn’t. their silence condemning many more to abuse.
still now the story has broken they have found their voice. they were shocked, disgusted and dismayed back then, and they are still shocked, disgusted and dismayed now the only difference is now they are getting themselves some good media time.
the latest self seeking self serving minor celebrity to come forward to express his revulsion at savile, and the bbc, is michael cole. mr. cole worked for the bbc at a time when savile at his peak. mr. cole describes a night a bbc club that was like ‘sodom and gomorrah’ with vulnerable teens awestruck all easy prey for stars such as savile (and one other dead ‘nation’s favourite dj – no outcry over that press smear). mr. cole goes onto say that the bbc should be “utterly ashamed” of what went on. i guess for mr. cole it was just another story to tell his other media buddies while they had dinner parties: “oh shock horror you remember what savile got up to?” it might have been better if michael cole had acted on his revulsion back then.
perhaps mr. cole would be better off hanging his head and feeling ‘utterly ashamed’.

then you have guy marsden, a nephew of jimmy savile, who nobly says he doesn’t want any of savile’s money and that it should be used for ‘genuine victims’ and that it should fund some ‘anti-paedophile unit’. all very worthy. as he said “i am ashamed of him and we now know he was a monster”
 we now know he was a monster.
except by mr. marsden’s own admission he’s known that savile was a monster for quite awhile now, as part of his ‘i don’t want the filthy’ money interview he also mentioned how as a teenager he went to several parties that savile attended where celebrities took advantage of young children.
it is nice of mr. marsden to come clean about that now – after all it adds to the evidence against savile, and that is a good thing. it would have been so much better if mr. marsden had piped up much much sooner.

i can’t help wonder just how many of savile’s (and of other ‘creepy celebrities to use michael cole’s words) would not have had to suffer if these two pillars of the community had come forth then, rather than try to big themselves up now about it.
quite a few i would wager.

Wednesday, November 07, 2012


o 173
r 163

as it stands obama just needs to hold all those places he won to get his presidency he is home and hosed.
so with that i am calling it quits with the tv. turn off the computer and listen to it on the radio.

i'm calling it for obama.
forget cnn, forget sky, forget the beeb. you can all rest easy.


divided government. katty kay describes how many americans will divide their vote between a democrat president and a republican house of representatives (and vice versa), the theory being that there will be co-operation between the parties.
nice in theory, didn't seem to work for obama in his first term.
if obama gets a second term he will have to face a house of representatives - so another tough term.

though it has been argued that if romney gets in he will have to deal with those who are part of the tea party as they don't trust him.

bbc have
o  143
r  153
(the others are pretty much the same now)

flagging now.

can't help but notice that the brits for the bbc are wearing poppies.
the yanks are not.

florida 81% of the precincts have called - less just over 600 votes separate obama from romney, so it is quite possible that it'll be some time before the result is declared.

it does point to just counting the votes and then declaring the results. cack handed way of doing it.

more on the fact that the country is divided between moderates/liberals and the right wing. whatever happens in the election that isn't going to change, the tea party may be the winners.


three different news sources and three different results. how bonkers is that?

o - 78
r - 82

o - 64
r - 82

o- 79
r - 88

but a whole bunch of states about to declare (or more accurately guess).

o - 123
r - 153

o - 123
r - 152

o - 124
r - 154

now they are beginning to match up.

another stat the blue and red states is a new thing - began in 2000. they are not official colours of the parties and just an invention of a tv channel.


another oddity is that you can get results while other polls are open - so people can be motivated/influenced by results.
how are could it be for them to vote on thursday - results anounced on friday.
it isn't like the winner is going to take office on moday - he won't be sworn in until next year.

i can't trust romney as he doesn't drink coffee. that is madness as far as i am concerned!

cnn - have different results
obama 64
romney 82

while sky new has different numers
obama 79
romney 88

just count the sodding votes and announce the results based on what you have counted and not what you are guessing. 


i really do like katty kay - her glasses make her super sexy. wonder if she could arm-wrestle condi rice?

obama 77
romney 76
romney ahead in the popular vote.


given the nature of the american electoral process i am tempted to call it for obama because he is in front right now and i am tired.
it seems as good a method as the less than scientific way americans look to be counting votes.

i am now officially in love with the die hard democrat who has said she is frustrated by the independent voter who has waited until the day of the election to make up their mind.

(too many doughnuts. bit sick now)

obama 63
romney 40


another one of those stats - usa unemployment is around 7.5%. no incumbent has been elected with that level of unemployment.
however for obama - he can point to it being a downward trend, it was just under 10% when he took office.
(average wages have dropped drastically). 

it has been mentioned that considering the state of the economy it is a surprise that obama is still in the race.
not sure what that says about romney.

whole bunch of states have called (remember this isn't votes counted - this is exit polls and estimates based on partial counts).

obama: 56
romney 40
it is the first to 270.


obama 3
mitt 24

everyone is waiting on ohio - if obama wins that then they say he has done it.

the bbc's emily matlis seems to be working on a super-large ipad.
the new guests for david dimbleby are all blokes and not interesting to look at.

oops south carolina just called so now
obama 3
mitt 33

they have just showed one of the 'attack' ads that obama campaign used against romney - it was a bloke talking about how romney closed down a plant and that lead to his wife dying from cancer. he says that romney doesn't realise what he does to people. surely that is just an attack on capitalism and quite what does that mean for obama and his foreign policy?

mmm kelli goff is pretty tasty. she talks 10 to the dozen.

they mention that the attack ads make up about 90% of all the campaign ads.
this, it is argued, is because it reflects the change of politics being more about moral values than the purely economic and social questions. now americans are more divergent and polarised than before.


bbc chuck up an interesting stat that the democrats never get over 50% of the white vote.
but democrats do get the majority of black and latino vote.
the latino vote is growing, because their population is growin.
would be interesting to see if that is linked to their wealth as well.


they are saying that it is a record turn out.
they are also talking about 4 hour waits in order to vote- how? given they have early voting and they are supposed to be the most sophisticated democracy you would have thought they would have a better process.

also talks of voter suppression.

19 to mitt
3 to obama
- though some of them have been 'called' based on just 3% of the votes being counted - that makes sense to me!

i quite fancy michelle d bernard - i concentrate on the important part of the election.

Tuesday, November 06, 2012


a tea party bloke has said that the usa would go the way of the soviet union if the usa goes bankrupt.
i have a bridge to sell him.

to his credit richard bacon wasn't too keen on the analogy used either.

that is one of the things that is very odd about american politics - it just seems to be a bit mental. it can also be full of what is now being called 'post truth' politics.

one of the people who was being interviewed who pointed out that the diverse and sometimes extreme messages spewed out by talk radio and such like doesn't really make that much difference because those who support the republicans are going to be listening/ reading the half truths that their media peddle and the democrats will be indulging in the semi truths of their media.

british scriptwriter is on the radio and has made a terrible joke. i hope his scripts are better. he has rolled out the mitt dissed the uk over the olympics. funny how mitt was castigated for basically saying what everyone in the media had been saying. (not to mention to that mitt didn't actually say that we couldn't do the olympics).
the scriptwriter pointed out that american media can be much more partisan and that it is much sexier than it is in the uk. he seemed to be saying this was a good thing. how wrong he is.


do i keep listening to the election on the radio or do i have it on the bbc iplayer (i am not really considering getting information from anyone else).

have lots of coffee and sugar treats - in order to stay awake.

(also a moment of personal disaster it seems as if sainsbury's no longer do cheap jeans - this is a worry as a couple of my current jeans are developing holes in the arse. why i never get holes in the knees is beyond me - the arse always goes. perhaps it is my toxic farting. i bet the dimblebys never talk about farts and holes in trousers when they are doing election reports.)


even though there is supposed to be a black-out over the exit polls - the drudge report is saying

r:nc, fl
o: nh, pa, mi, nv
toss up: oh, va, co, ia

that means that at the moment they are neck and ncek. mitt needs florida or else it is all over. 
these are exit poll numbers and nothing to do with the counted votes - i like it when the important thing is the number of votes that have been cast
but then what do i know? 


an hour to go before we get the first exit polls in the presidential election.
obama has it. we hope (even if he is shit for great britain).

several billion dollars has been spent on the election - and some of the votes won't be counted for 10 days.
it's democracy but not as we know it.

(oddly the more important leadership contest takes place in a couple of days in china, it won't get quite the same coverage as the glitzier usa electon.)

(back here nadine dorries decides that the best way to get her message to people is by appearing on "i'm a celebrity". she says "i'm doing the show because 16 million people watch it. rather than mps talking to other mps about issues in parliament, I think mps should be going to where people go." i hope she can eat kangaroo bollocks as well as she talks bollocks). 

Sunday, November 04, 2012


when it comes to christmas i am pretty much a grinch. 
i don’t like the increasing commercialization, and incredibly it gets more commercial every year as more and more companies come to rely on this period of the year to make their profit.
add to this the forced sense of bonhomie fuelled mostly by booze and a collective insanity to ‘paaaaarty’.
even though supermarkets stay open longer over the christmas period now – there is still a collective urge to fill shopping trolleys to bursting point and beyond with enough food to feed a small army. on christmas eve the shelves of supermarkets will be picked clean as if a plague of locust had swept through.
then there is the extended party period allowing people to overindulge in booze so much so they leave large puddles of puke on the pavement for the rest of us to navigate around.
christmas has become an extended period of conspicuous consumption.
it has been estimated that the average christmas spend in 2012 will be £592,
i will be doing my bit to keep that average down – by spending very little over the christmas period. i will not be buying into the crass consumerism; i shall be ignoring the festive spending spree.
i’d ask you all to join me – but the country needs you to spend and christmas has been perfectly designed to part you from your money.