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Monday, February 28, 2011


what is it good for?
not sure - right now it is just making me dog tired and bone weary.
(something nick clegg wouldn't recognise. oh sometimes i just kill me.)

Sunday, February 27, 2011


politics is a funny old game. before the election nick clegg was the man. everyone agreed with nick. when the results came in they all wanted to be his new best friend. clegg was king maker. nick clegg, and the rest of the liberal democrat elite took the chance to get their feet under the tables of power with the glee of a starved man faced with an eat all you can buffet.
so what if a few promises were going to be broken.
so what if a few principles were thrown away.
politics is about power.
power was what the liberal democrats wanted.

now clegg has power. he has tasted it and he likes it.
problem is no one (outside of cameron and his pals) seem to like nick clegg all that much any more.
bad enough that his integrity has been questioned.
now his commitment to work has been impugned. he is seen as being work-shy. so what if nick decided to take some time off to go skiing with his family (in the exclusive davos resort, nice to see that nick can afford it) while the middle-east was not only in turmoil but was also in the middle of a david cameron visit (along with several business leaders of british arms companies - talk about awkward). pretty much perfect timing for nick to go off on a skiing trip.

when asked whether or not he was in charge while the prime minister was gone clegg is reported to have said "yeah, i suppose i am. i forgot about that." nick clegg now describes that as a throwaway line. bless him. 

throwaway? pretty much like clegg's principles and his standing: both thrown out of the window. 

Saturday, February 26, 2011


david brown was a bigwig at transport for london. he helped bring in the boris bike. he is leaving his job.
as you know you can't leave your job without a farewell party.
i know this, you know this and boris knows this.
farewell party thrown. top floor of city hall and 150 guests. £6000 tab.
guess who picks up the tab on that?
yup it would be the london taxpayer.
oh did i mention that mr. brown earned £316,655 last year. we know boris isn't short of a bob or two. there are lots of little bars, coffee shops and eateries near city hall, so not like they couldn't have done it on the cheap.
why would they when they can dip their hands into the public purse.
well at least we all know why the fares had to go up.

remember boris: we are all in this together, so next time you throw one of these shindigs don't forget to send me an invite. 

Friday, February 25, 2011


i have a theory that within two weeks of the government legalising cannabis there will be packs of benson & hemp or silk cut grass filter tips available to buy in every newsagent in the land.
the tobacco industry can't wait for the day and they will be ready at the drop of the hat to make sure that they get their greedy grubby paws on the proceeds of such a product line extension.

the conspiracy theorists out there have long argued that the motor industry have long hidden the research into cars that don't need petrol to work. some say that they have perfected the technology and fossil fuel free cars are possible.
i am not so sure.

one of the scare stories that has been with us for a number of years is the one of oil running out.
it is a nightmare because so much of our way of life is dependent on oil.

the recent revolts in the middle east bring home the worry.
unrest in libya has seen oil prices reach a new two year high. the big fear is that the wave of public discontent spills into saudi arabia kicking off serious changes there that could lead to a hard-line islamic take over. then we are fucked. oh yeah.

none of this is new though. oil shortage, carbon emissions are two big stories. big enough that you would have thought that one of the car manufacturers would have come forward and said: "solution? we got your solution right here. this baby runs on spit and fart gas."
it is not like ford, hyundai, toyota etc are tied into the oil companies. if they were rational they would be making sure that they had a product that was going to be working long after the oil had gone. it seems they are not.
likewise you would think that companies like shell and bp would be moving heaven and earth to be the first to come up with a sensible cheap alternative to oil. instead they seem to want to drill in places that are very dangerous or that have previously been untouched by commercial concerns.

given the current geo-political situation now is the time for companies to step forward to show that they are indeed ingenious and have solved the problems of reliance on fossil fuels and the dangers of climate change.
they haven't.
i can't decide if it is because they just don't have the answers. (which would be scary.)
or they think they can hold the status quo a little longer because they understand how the current model works. (which doesn't strike me as sensible because being first to market is crucial - as several people have told me apple don't make the best mp3 players, the best phones of the best tablet computers - yet for all intents and purposes no one talks about the other manufacturers as much as they do about apple).
or they have decided that the way things are makes them lots of money and that is all that matters. (this is one that is more likely - they just want to fill their pockets with everything that they can, while going on about how they are seeking alternatives. the only problem is: sooner, rather than later, we are going to be in a heap of trouble and then people won't be in a position to buy the new only works on wishes car and those companies will be dead in the water like betamax.)

the alarm is ringing.
you can't hit snooze forever. 

Thursday, February 24, 2011


me and muammar share somethings in common.
we can both talk for hours.
we both talk a load of bollocks.
we both like amazonian bodyguards.

however i have not been able to bring about the patocracy, i would be a benign dictator. imagine me at the united nations giving long rambling speeches that not only mangled the english language but also included fart gags (c'mon you know that would unite the world in laughter more than any joke ban ki moon has ever cracked).
like muammar i would have no problems dealing with successive governments who support me while i am strong and then suddenly find a conscience when the people rise up against me (not that they ever will because they will always be chuckling at a fart gag or two and in times of national crisis i will unleash the world's funniest gags: "yes it does." and "he was collecting pineapples").
nor would i have any problems with buying favours from institutions and people from around the world, people and institutions who would have no qualms taking the gold/oil/cash of republic of pat but who would suddenly develop a stiff moral backbone when it looked as if the patocracy was going to crumble (oh how i feel ashamed of the london school of economics - you failed me in my masters and now you say 'oh that colonel he is a bad boy' as if it is some big surprise).

where me and muammar part company is when it comes to blame.
i was taught to accept responsibility (except, oddly, when it came to farts and then suddenly as far as my mum and dad were concerned it was the dog's fault, this habit of blaming the dog continued long after we didn't have a pooch), but never let it be said the pat can't learn, that the pat can't see how to do things better.
now thanks to muammar i know just what to do when my next harebrained scheme goes south (and currently i am having to come up with a lot of half-thought out, making it up on the fly type plans), yes next time that happens it is the fault of the drug crazed masses, al qaeda and osama bin laden. yup it is their fault and not mine.
of course i could take a leaf out of david cameron's book and just blame those in the public sector.

perhaps that is what muammar should be claiming he is doing: radical changes to the public sector, creating the big society and letting in the private sector. if he did that then i reckon cameron and co would be in their like a shot offering sage words of advice.
at worst it would give something to nick clegg to do, when he comes back off holiday. 

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


well kate and wills are inviting 1900 of their closest friends to their wedding. must be annoying if you were just a mate or pal.
kind of glad that they didn't invite me - i haven't got a thing to wear. besides i would just sell the ticket online. why aren't their touts at such events? would be fun to see how much they would get, or if someone turned up with a spare.
might make the day more fun. 

Monday, February 21, 2011


not quite sure what the story was, i was half asleep and not really paying full attention to the radio.

i am still adjusting to the needs of waking up at a sensible hour. i am not good at it and i don't like it. the 5live breakfast show with nicky campbell and shelagh fogarty is a gentle introduction to the morning, they have a nice chemistry between them and ms fogarty has a gorgeous voice.

there i am half between slumber and awake. on the one hand there is the ongoing wave of revolt in the middle-east on the other hand more about david cameron's own revolt against the public services (he wants to model them on tesco - the man is a total wanker, still i guess we should be thankful he wasn't citing harrods).
somewhere in all of this there was a story about something or another and the guest they had to comment on the story pointed out that it had appeared in the daily mail and it was inaccurate.

nicky campbell jumped in to let the listeners know "that not everything that appears in the daily mail is wrong."
even if it only only happened in my dreams it was a piece of class from mr. campbell.


i have never really done the date thing. mostly because the times i plucked up enough courage to ask a lady out the answer was no. so i haven't much experience of it.

there i was out in hoxton square the other evening to see a rather lame exhibition at the white cube gallery - it was supposed to be something that commented on our celebrity driven brand aware logo awash love of the stars, in reality it was just a bunch of very large very average paintings of people who are famous.
i saw the bloke on my way into the gallery.
young, stocky build, neatly but but conservatively dressed. shoes clean and polished, no doubt fresh undies in cash of accident,  a traditional raincoat, a brown leather satchel over his shoulder. his light brown hair had a touch of boris to it. he had that fresh faced glow of someone who has recently had a long and careful shave. he was the perfect picture of a chap who had past muster of his mum on the way out for a special night. in his gloved hands he carried a small, but perfect, bunch of roses.
he was marching along the pavement outside the gallery, stopping to look down the street trying to spot the object of his affection.

he was still there when i cam out ten or so minutes later.
this time he looked a little more flushed. the colour in his face had turned from ruddy to bright red.
more so than before he looked like a bloke out on his first date, he looked nervous, uncomfortable and out of place. he had the look of someone who had been on the end of a few too many rejections just because he wasn't the right type.
his pacing up and down the street was a little more manic. the stop at the corner a little more wistful and lingering longer. the red roses, still held proudly aloft, more and more a beacon of why he was there.
up and down he walked.
waiting. hoping. waiting. waiting.

there was a part of me that wanted to wait with him. i wanted to see him succeed. i wanted to see the meeting between him and his date. i wanted it to be alright. i wanted to know if they had met at school or at the office. was this a blind date? i felt he needed moral support, someone there in his corner ready to give advice if he needed it. i felt he needed someone there to see him through to the finish. someone there to witness his success. someone there to shield him from all the mocking stares of the oh so trendy shoreditch crowd as they went about beginning their night revelries.
there was also a part of me that didn't want to be there when he realised that he had been stood up, that he would have to go home dejected. i didn't want to see him lose.

i left him still pacing. still hopeful. i headed off to brick lane to leave him to his silent vigil, to his silent prayer. i hope it was answered, or the other person had the decency to call him to tell him they weren't coming.

Sunday, February 20, 2011


the conservatives are very keen to say that there should be fewer central diktats.
they give lots of reasons why such central control is bad. what it comes down to is that the conservatives do not like the state. not that it stops them from using the power of the state when it suits them.
with the recent education bill they allowed universities to charge up to £9000 a year for a course. no surprises that a few have already come out and said that their courses will cost the maximum fees possible (that would be oxford, cambridge and imperial college london. others will follow).

now david 'two brains' willets (minister of state for university and science - two brains: two jobs) is saying that there is not need for universities to charge more than 6 or 7 thousand pounds. which begs the question: if this is the case why have you set the upper limit at £9000 pounds?
furthermore, given the philosophy of the conservatives, you would have thought that david willets would have nothing more to say on the matter. he and his pals in government have provided the legislation and have freed the universities to get on about their own business.

except while the conservative state might want to be small it can't help itself but interfere.
you only have to look at eric pickles and his constantly evolving localism bill - as he finds more stuff not to like and more stuff to legislate on and when the local councils decide that they are going to act of their own accord up pops someone from the conservative party to tell them that they should be doing it a completely different way.

look lads i know running the country is hard, but try and make your mind's up: are you freeing us to make decisions locally or are you just a bunch of hypocritical interfering busybodies who have no idea of the consequences of their actions?

(guess which one i think it is.)

Thursday, February 17, 2011


most people want to work. most people want to earn a decent wage for the work they do.
there are some who don't want to work and live off the state.
of those who live off the state only a minority are living the life of riley, most people on social are not having fun and are living hand to mouth.

david cameron and the coaltion want to make "work pay". cameron says: "never again will work be the wrong financial choice... we are finally going to make work pay for some of the poorest people in our society."

they are talking about a universal credit that would replace, and simplify, the curent mix of benefits. as such a benefit would be paid as a lump sum you would see how much better off you would be in work rather than being in receipt of benefits (which can only be read as that the universal benefit would be somewhat less than the sum of its parts).
they are talking about those on benefit getting to keep more their benefits if they work part-time and/or decide to extend their hours (which can be read as being an admission that for many people the only jobs available are minimum wage).
those are the carrots.
the stick is: refuse a job and you lose your benefits for three years (which if taken to its logical extreme means some are condemned to become homeless beggars).

the carrot and the stick: perfect plan.
sort of.

the only problem is there are not enough jobs.

don't worry the adam smith institute have a sort of solution to that: "The minimum wage prices the most unskilled and inexperienced out of work and it should be abolished if the welfare reforms are to have the impact the government hopes." says sam bowman.
fantastic - no need to worry about people being able to live a decent life, just have them queue outside employer's and offer their services as cheaply as possible. what does it matter that they can't earn enough money to rent a place to live; a few people sharing a bed never hurt anyone. what does it matter if they can't earn enough money to travel to work; find a sweatshop near-by and you can sleep there as well as work there. what does it matter if they can't earn enough money to feed themselves afterall eating takes time and time is money.
it is good to see that people like sam bowman have such a realistic grasp on what it is to live on minimum wage, the princely sum of £5.93 an hour - if you are over the age of 21 (which works out at around £12,400 a year or apprximately £10,500 take home or around £201 a week - expect to lose a chunk of that on rent, some more on travel and learn to eat cheaply and maybe you will have some cash left to actually enjoy the fruits of your labour).
sam bowman doesn't care if you enjoy yourself, he just wants you sort of fit, sort of healthy and buying just enough to keep the economy ticking over.
to sam bowman you are not a real person - you are just someone who if you are on minimum wage should be prepared to tighten that belt a bit tighter, to not want things and just work and work and work until you drop.
sam bowman has probably got a plan for a nice range of flop/doss houses where workers can crash a night for the cost of a few pounds so that they can be in work early the next day.

iain duncan smith might have been moved by some of the stories he heard when he did his tour of 'broken britain' and he might actually want to make a real and proper difference.
i suspect that david cameron and george osborne hew more to the line of sam bowman and they all want to punish the poor and punish the unemployed for simply being unemployed.

create the jobs first and perhaps then would be the time to complain that the unemployed don't want to work.
the simple fact is if there are no jobs then people can't work and not everyone can (or wants to) move to the south east.

time to tug forlocks and doff caps. the new divide starts here.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011






want want want want.
you can take the boy out of the comic industry but you can't take the fan out of the boy.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


not sure what is - the new routine; the anti-biotics; more coffee; different stress or changed diet but tonight i have parped like mad.
sadly for many of those in sainsbury's that is where i let a lot of them off. it was like i was dropping depth charges as i went and other shoppers were enemy submarines who entered my 'smelly' slipstream.
i am not going to apologise to them i am going to chuckle at how many silent but deadlys i dropped in the supermarket. mind you i shall have to be careful just in case they ban me.

Monday, February 14, 2011


so i have a swelling in the mouth.
so i go to the emergency dental service.
so i tell them i am panicy when it comes to dentists (that is a mild version of my feelings towards dentists who rate around the same fear levels as mimes and clowns).
the nice dentist told me that because of the swelling it would be hard to numb the mouth.
oh dear.
then she told me that i have to choose between a root canal or an extraction.
this is a choice?
that is fucking sophie's choice.
so i ask the question - how long does it take for an extraction - maybe a few seconds, perhaps 45 minutes. well that calmed my nerves.
now i am just waiting to see what the antibiotics do.

Sunday, February 13, 2011


i am still in pain. couldn't get to the nhs emergency dental service in time. ooooow.

i am also in pain with reading some of david cameron's defence of his 'big society': "The Big Society is about changing the way our country is run. That's why the Big Society is here to stay."
of course it isn't about top down statist views - even though the only people who seem to be keen on the idea happen to be the inner circle of camerloons.
it is another strand of the 'we are all in it together' but this part of it is that 'come and give a hand if you have the time and inclination'. so that is pretty much going to limit who can get involved. what the conservative's want is a move back to the deserving poor who will receive acts of kindness from those who are better off, the state will give up its role as a safety net and hope that the private individual steps up and helps out.

i am already looking forward to the group4 workhouses.

meanwhile i am still in pain.

Saturday, February 12, 2011


i have had a good week. unusual for me, but nice all the same.
the universe has to balance.
you might have seen an advert for a yogurt that implied for someone to have pleasure, someone has to have pain.
yin and yang.
i used to blame one of my friends for my lack of sex simply because she was gettting so much, she was using up my share. (she still is ... the bitch.)
so because i have had a good week i have to have something bad happen.
i have a toothache.
not serious. not yet.
a niggling, gnawing throb in my tooth that just whispers out i am going to get worse. the whisper will turn to a shout and then turn to a scream of agony.
go to the dentist you say.
easy for you to say. i live in fear of dentists. they bring me out in utter panic attacks, just the mention of them has me in cold sweats. fear. fear.
but i don't like pain.


my first week back as being a wage slave went really quickly.
i am knackered from getting up early, although mostly it is because i have not learnt to go to sleep at a sensible time.
so far i am enjoying it.
nice group of people.
lots to learn.
as yet no one has noticed that i am so far out of my depth i can't see land.

already looking forward to monday - but only after seeing some art and drinking some coffee.

Friday, February 11, 2011


it is one of those ‘historic’ days: after thirty years hosni murbarak has stepped down as president of egypt. during those years he had been pretty ruthless in suppressing opposition and dissent. his downfall came as a result of peaceful people power.

a winds of change moment.

new era.

sands of time.

democracy marches on.

new dawn, start of a new beginning.

yadda yadda.

you can’t have a historic day without the leaders of the free world popping up and making their comments known to all and sundry (and no doubt right now william hague is in a mad rush to beat joe biden - oh come on! you must remember who joe biden is - to see who gets to egypt first).

so president obama, while pointing out that difficult days lay ahead and questions still needed to be answered (no wonder he got a nobel peace prize), had this to say “ the us will continue to be a friend and partner to egypt."

whatever the president can do, the prime minister can do as well. he talked of a precious moment of opportunity; it is all about building blocks, truly open and free democratic society. most important mr. cameron was at pains to point out the uk was a friend of egypt and stood by to "help in any way that we can".

the egyptian people must be very happy to know that they have such good friends on their side. friends who stayed pretty quiet about the state of emergency that murbarak had imposed; pretty quiet about the long years of no democracy and no freedom. just pretty quiet (as they are on several of the other countries in the area who are of strategic worth to western interests).

if i were an egyptian i wouldn’t be expecting too much support from messrs cameron and obama if in six months the military decided to once again ensure that a candidate who was sympathetic (oh hell i mean controlled) to their needs and wishes was somehow elected to power. you might get some words of outrage that would quickly die down and life would move on and business as normal would resume.

realpolitik is one thing, but i have to hope that both cameron and obama squirmed just a little bit as they delivered their ‘friend of egypt’ spiel to the waiting press.

and while i am hoping for that level of self honesty from them can i have a pony as well?

Thursday, February 10, 2011


i am torn over the issue of prisoner's right to vote.
a big part of me (that fluffy liberal/ socialist part) agrees that prisoners should be treated with an element of dignity and prison should all be about rehabilitation rather than retribution. an aspect of that rehabilitation is that prisoners should be allowed to engage with the outside in order to reintegrate and perhaps take onboard the accepted norms of society.
much of this feeling is based on the fact that we bang too many people up in prison in the first place and that there are better, and more suitable, punishments for a number of them.

then there is the lurking stalinist that feels his hackles rise and his ire boil (not feel physically sick like the girlyman cameron) when some prisoners get on their high horse and complain that their human rights have been infringed.
it is hard to take seriously the campaign of john hirst to get voting rights for prisoners as it is a breach of their human rights, when such a campaigner was an axe murderer - the rights of the landlady he killed are apparently not worth the paper mr. hirst used to send his complaint to the european court of human rights.
maybe sir peter bottomley has the right idea - that part of the sentancing of a prisoner is the exclusion of certain 'rights'; depending on the crime committed your 'rights' inside diminish. murder someone and you don't get to vote, don't pay a tv licence and you will be allowed to put your 'x' on a voting form.

there is another part of me that just doesn't like being told what the british governmnet can or can't do by johnny european (i am in danger of turning into clarkson/littlejohn) so i was very pleased to see parliament stick two fingers up at it all by rejecting the call to give prisoners the vote.

along with all their right to vote, maybe it is time to make sure that they have to pay their council tax as well.


social media has changed our lives - not always for the better.
it seems most of us are one or other of them: making friends; arranging events; living life -all made easier by social media.
fortunately the benefits outweigh the faults.
for a long time naysayers have been warning people to be careful what they put up on social sites, reminding them that what goes online stays online. warnings of identity theft; potential employers searching you out to see if you are suitable; problems of sexting or just the re-emergence of embarrassing photos of the past to cause your face to turn red.

i don't really like twitter. i have tried it. decided that it isn't for me: brevity is not my forte.
still i did have to smile at the story of the employee who tweeted (because that is what you do on twitter) that she was hungover at work (among other things) only to see her tweets appearing in the newspapers the daily mail and the independent on sunday (a curious meeting of minds there).
she claimed that the papers had invaded her privacy because what she had written was only intended for her 700 followers (i think 'private' loses its meaning when you are sending it to 700 people). she has lost her case as the courts have sided with the papers who say that not only is twitter publicly accessible but her many followers could retweet (another thing you do on twitter) her message to people she didn't know.

so remember be careful what you tweet.

Tuesday, February 08, 2011


tunisa trying to recover from a popular revolt.
jordan (country - not the equestrian loving popular author who used to get her tits out and seems to be the sole reason for the existence of the daily star) just over some turmoil.
middle-east is a bit tender at the moment.
i know what we will do: we'll send in william hague; that will help the situation.
stop him now. bring him home. these people have suffered enough already.
it is cruel and unusual punishment. it must be stopped. where is amnesty when you really need them.

Monday, February 07, 2011


i am dog tired.
knackered in a good way.
early to bed tonight (well early for me).
so this is the best you are going to get, still it is better than what you would get over at jay's blog, do him a favour and go read it, he needs all the help he can get.

Sunday, February 06, 2011


lots of last minute preparations.
lots of last minute stress.
can't find this. can't find that.
looks like the early night i promised myself is out of the question.
lots of last minute nerves.
lots of last minute trips to the toilet: ring of fire.
panic. panic. panic.
now where did i put that spare alarm clock.
can't stay need to visit the bog again.


listening to nick herbert, the policing minister, all i have gathered from him is that he can't guarantee numbers of the police. he does say that it isn't about the numbers but the efficiency of the police: this is about bobbies on the beat.
the usual we are cutting down the amount of paperwork that the coppers do is rolled out (am i the only one who thinks that if a copper stops someone then they should complete paperwork on that stop so that we know what and why they are doing it - and if we, the public, are to hold them to account then we need to know what they are doing).

poor old nick herbert was hammered in an interview with stephen nolan. herbert was keen to say that while he, and the government, have no control over where the police spend their budgets. but he was confident that any cuts that have to be made would impact on the back room staff only.
when asked how many front line police were necessary mr. herbert couldn't say, nor could he say that he had done an assessment on how many police might be lost. no answer.
howeer mr. herbert did manage to trot out the usual "deficit, have to cut, save money, government can't write blank cheques" mantra. so he while he left the listeners with the distinct impression he has no idea what he is talking about; he did manage to get his propaganda point in - so cameron will love him.

with nick as an example you have to wonder just how bad the rest of the con/dem front bench is?

Saturday, February 05, 2011


i just want to take this opportunity to thank my local sainsbury's for staying open an hour longer. it is very welcome. it also means that they can compete with the tescoinky  express stores that are close by (three of them all within a few minutes walking distance of the large sainsbury's - that's sticking it to the local retailer - take that local entrepreneur: we don't want your stinky money.

can i also thank sainsbury's for closing down pretty much every till line as well as turning off all of the self-service tills.
oh yeah - it is good that you have stayed open that extra hour; because it is taking most of that time to pay and get out.

so thank you again sainsbury's: planning at its finest.

Friday, February 04, 2011


i have admitted that i am useless at providing people with directions.
i either give too little information (over there) or too much information (and when you get past this shop, which by the way sells some really useful stuff if you happen to be looking for reconditioned computers, but it will be closed now).
recently i have done well in directing people to where they need to go - admittedly they were only a couple of streets away from where they wanted to be.
however i did have one recently failure which resulted in me having to run after the poor girl and then lead her to where she wanted to be. i am pretty sure the sight and sound of an an old overweight hairy bloke charging (though that does give the impression of speed) down the road probably is one she is still trying to forget.
but hey i got her to where she wanted to be.

i still must report other failures - but with the caveat of don't be so stupid as to ask for the following directions:
"do you know where the burberry outlet store is?" more clued in members of the youth would have had no trouble with this question. as i am an old bloke who looks like he has just gotten off of his harley hog in order to eat a very large kebab i am so obviously not the person to ask. it is also one of those places that if you know it exists (it does) you check out where it is before you go to it. of course i have since checked where it is - in case the question arises again - and can now proudly point people in the direction of their hackney store.

do not ask where a postcode is. my name is pat, but i am not a postman and i have no fucking idea where the postcodes are. generally if you have the 5 or 6 digits to the postcode you can pretty easily find out where it is by looking on the internet before you come out. let's be honest if someone has given you a postcode but not the road and door number there is a chance they don't want you there.

finally don't ask if i happen to know where the 79 bus stop is.
i don't know, but i will direct you to the aldgate bust station and let them sort it out.

probably best if you just didn't ask me directions at all.
i am a little like david cameron, george osborne and nick clegg - pretty clueless in how to get to where you want to be going.
(see managed to squeeze in a political barb as well. awesome.)

Wednesday, February 02, 2011


i like chocolate. it is one of the reasons why i am fat (another reason is my love of doughnuts, oh and another would be my love of cream cakes).

the joy of the king-size twix is hard to describe.

like everything the price of choc is going up or maybe not if you believe the manufacturers.

cadbury’s (now owned by kraft) have said that they have had to take action because of a ‘number of economic factors including ingredient costs.’ the action they have taken is to reduce the size of the choc they are offering. toblerone has shed a triangle; the dairy milk bar will be shy of two chunks while a bag of maltesers has had fewer in it.

kraft have said that without such measures they would have had to put the price up, in fact by such size reductions they say they ‘have been able to hold the bar at this price’ and that even at a reduced size their chocolate is still an affordable treat.

hold on there chaps - but surely if we are getting less for the same price, we are actually faced with a price hike by another name.

expect a new confectionary bar from kraft – it will leave a bitter taste in the mouth and it will be called ‘semantics’.

Tuesday, February 01, 2011


not sure what it is at the moment - the world is in turmoil and so are my guts.
while the bbc and all other sensible news media are concentrating on the troubles in egypt and jordan, hinting at north korea's undeclared nuclear reactor (why does it matter if you know that it is undeclared? surely you just sit at the negotiating table and sing: 'liar liar pants on fire' while pointing at kim jong-il). meanwhile back home the con/dems have revealed their 'is your street dangerous' website, it is a continuation of an idea from the previous labour government. the site hasn't been working, they have said that it is because so many people have tried to log on to it, i reckon someone has pinched the servers. theresa may, the home secretary, has said that this new website will allow the public to hold the police accountable, which seems odd on two counts (which might make it even) firstly the tories are always keen to get rid of targets - so how do we hold them accountable? do i just say pc plod hasn't arrived within the period i believe he should have done; that wpc plod hasn't solved the crime as fast as my expectations? secondly of all the public services the police are an extension of the state - so we should be looking to hold politicians to account rather than the police.

anyway i am rambling, partly as there is so much that i could have been talking about but really all that is on my mind is my guts as they rock and roll - letting loose with trumpet blasts that would knock down the walls of jericho and leave a lingering fragrance that would not be out of place in a dodgy dossier on weapons of mass destruction.

mmm thinking i might just be about to kiss cotton.
gotta go.
gotta dash. 


it used to be said that the only things that were certain in life were death and taxes.
in the era of celebrity the internet means that it is certain that the daily mail will have a story about something that makes you fat (and when you take into acount all the reasons the mail has given the answer is: life itself) and that katie price will be in the news and it will be something to do with an ex or a soon to be ex.

of course this new list of certainties wouldn't be complete if you didn't add: microsoft issuing a critical warning over a flaw in its windows software or its internet browser.
so thank you microsoft for once again issuing a warning, creating a patch and claiming to look for a permanent fix.

here is an idea, and it is just a thought, why the fuck don't you test this shit before you release it? just do your jobs right in the first place and you wouldn't have to issue these warnings that make you look like total wankers.
keep this up and soon the daily mail will be telling us that using internet explorer makes us fat, while the windows o/s is the reason why katie price keeps changing men as she is looking to wrap her software around some new hardware. oooh missus.