Search This Blog

Monday, December 31, 2018

eve

while this hasn't been the worst year i have ever had, it does maintain the long streak of less than stellar existence. not quite shit, more a large dirty skid mark on the tapestry of life.

so what has 2018 shown me? what have i learnt?

firstly there is nowt as strange as folk.

secondly social media has shown me that i really don't understand  the world anymore. i am sure my parents felt this way about the things that were of interest to my genertion, now it is the speed of change that is disorientating. just as you think you have come to terms with it there have been two more iterations to deal with.
i don't know what ist or ism i am, furthermore i am not even sure i should care that i don't know.

thirdly every time i think i have found peak nutter on youtube i discover there is someone even fruitier. it 

Monday, December 24, 2018

sack

as i type this santa is busy emptying his sack down a chimney ortwo (while avoiding a dancing dick van dyke)

Thursday, July 05, 2018

ph5

do i hate mobile phones? no really, i barely use mine, and the one thing that is of major use, the alarm, is something i can sleep through time and time again,

mobile phone users? well that is a whole different ball game, boy oh boy do i hate most of them.

there is user with the incredibly loud ring tone that in times of national emergency could double as a warning siren, but is aways buried away in the bottom of a bag so we have to hear the loud tones several times over.

there is the user who has to speak as loudly as possible so that everyone else is intimately aware of the conversation, because we need to know what is going on in their life. if we are really lucky the other side of the conversation will be on speaker so we get the full flavour. joy.

or the text reader who is just so important that they can't be out of touch while they are walking down the street. there variations on this are those who just stop in mid stride , regardless of how busy the street is. the texter who ambles up the underground's stairs even though it is quite busy they do their best tortoise impression just so their latest witticism gets sent straight away. let's not forget the texter who just stops on the stairs to text, oblivious of the tide of humanity that floods around them, because that text won't wait another 30 seconds.
the texter who isn't looking where they are going and the expectation is you will move out of their way.

oh listen to the user that has music on their phone (isn't technology great) but they have no ear phones, no worries as they are certain everyone is keen to hear that they have a shit taste in music.

or the customer who has reached the till, still continues with their conversation even though it means they can''t hear the cashier, can't get their money out and take twice as long to pack their bags. hey no worries i am sure it was important, and not just about how drunk you got last night.

or the game player who hasn't turned off the sound so we all get the pings, zings and kapows. and i understand because when you are playing bejewelled  or some such the game sounds are crucial.

yes mobile phone users i am no fan of you!

Wednesday, July 04, 2018

ph4

while the world cup is on it is only fair that i mention how peeved off i get when sportsmen (and women) do their best to remind you that they are just ungrateful slobs who want adoration and as much cash as possible.

i appreciate that to be an elite performer you have to be driven and self centred - it has to be all about 'me, me, me'. this is compounded by being surrounded by like minded people who also suffer from egomaniacal disorders.
of course none of this is helped by a culture that fawns over them.

so whenever i hear of someone going on about how their team needs to match their ambitions, i just want to slap them. it might be different if the player said they would take a pay cut to help fund those ambitions - but really it isn't about winning things it is just 'pay me more'.

or they go on about the sacrifices that they have made. hey, it was your choice, no one has forced you to follow your dream. there are a lot of people in the world doing shitty jobs, for little reward who are also making sacrifices - but no one gives a toss.

or the athletes who go on that only gold is good enough, yet somehow when they fail to win gold (or anything) still keep coming back for more money to allow them to train, it is ok that other people fund their failures, just once you want them to say 'you know i just wanted to get on that podium because there are a lot of people out there who have made this possible for me.' for some spectacular failure is preferable to coming second or third.

or situations where the 'manager has lost the dressing room - lads you get paid a fuck load of cash a week so don't shuffle about out there, run your tits off for the fans who don't get paid anything close to the stupid amounts players get (and never seem grateful for).

these are just some of the reasons why i have fallen out of love with practitioners of sport. it would be so much better if they just went out there did their thing and just kept qquiet.

Tuesday, July 03, 2018

ph3

it would be fair to say that many people think of me as being a messy and untidy person, while there is a grain of truth in this i prefer to think of it as they are not able to comprehend the complex filing system i use.

back in the day my chaotic approach to order landed me with my own office (i'd like to claim i played the long game to get it, in truth my manager had just had enough. hey it was a win for me. at that time he was at one end of the building and i was at the other end. between us sat several other member of staff, the closer they were to him the more ordered and neat they were, the closer to me they were the more likely they were to be a little less concerned with whether or not their papers and files perfectly aligned with the edges of their desks.)
while i appreciate that my cavalier attitude to neatness might annoy some - i do have to argue that the polar opposite of freaking out when someone puts the lid of the pen on in the wrong place (most people just happy to have the lid safely on the pen) or to get agitated when a pencil is placed in the pencil case facing the wrong way (pencil points to the right, biro nibs to the left) is bordering on anal issues.

but pat, i hear you say, what has this got to do with petty hates?
good question, i reply.
and i know you are just shaking your head thinking he has no idea where he is going with this. well you'd be wrong.

as i have confessed to being a messy pup in private space i must also pat myself on the back and say that in public spaces i do my very best to make sure i don't leave a mess behind.

so you can imagine just how irksome it is to see people litter.
we have people come into the shop, buy something and rather than ask to put the waste into our rubbish bin (it is free: just ask, politely of course) they throw it in the street.
or there are the people who walk down the street and happily drop wrappers as they go.
or the i have finshed my drink/food so i will just leave the empty containers on a wall, fence, in the road, perched on top of other street furniture. because while it was easy to walk and eat & drink when they were full containers, when empty somew how they become super heavy and impossible to carry to the next bin.

then there are the throwers - they will chuck their rubbish at the bin. if it misses "oh well' better luck next time. because going to pick it up is just asking too much. the cousin of this is the person who puts stuff in the bins, and in doing so knocks something else of the bin. do they stop to pick up the fallen piece? do they fuck. a close companion of these people are the ones who can see that the bin is divided into general rubbish and recycle. now it could be they are so stupid they don't know anything about recycling. really they are just too lazy to think about what they are doing.
don't get me started on the tube users who put their copy of the evening standard or the metro on the floor, where it quickly becomes messy and unreadable. they could have just left it on the seat - but that is asking too much of them. or those people who use the mainline - who litter the the tables it is beneath (or beyond) them.

i could go on, but you get the gist.. i really dislike those people who do not think of their environment, expecting others to pick up after them.
if i had my way they would be doing hard time, or perhaps i would have them remove the offending hand in rather medeval ways. (you can see why there is way i could ever run for mayor of london).

all i can say to people is : c'mon clean your acts up...
(see even with pet hates i can chuck in a bit of comedy gold...)

Monday, July 02, 2018

ph2

so what dear reader do you think my second petty hate will be?
well i am going to mention customers. however there is a problem with customers as there are  so many things about them that can annoy and irritate - all above and beyond the normal levels of sheer rudeness that some display.

i am not sure that customer behaviour can be used as a yardstick by which to measure the whole of humanity but it does remind me there are reasons why i am a misanthrope.

to start off i will go with a low level irk.
normally it is american tourists, always a small group.
they will come in, they will walk up the left hand side of the shop, stopping to look at everything.  they will continue their conversation, if there is more than two at least one of the others will be constantly texting on their phone. they will go to the back of the shop. you will hear a laugh or two, they will exclaim "isn't this lovely", "that's so cute", "so much great stuff".
then they will, with stately gait, walk down the right hand of the shop, looking at lots of other stuff.
their hands empty.
they will walk by the till and turn to me and say: "you have a lovely shop, so much great stuff. bye.' walk out never to be seen again.

as a humble till monkey i have had little to do with the look of the shop, so the compliments mean only one thing to me: we've spent a lot of time in the shop so we felt we had to say something as we are not going to be buying anything here at all.

as this happens in the evenings i am left with the thought that they have booked into a shit hotel and are trying their best to stretch the time away from the hotel as much as they can.
instead of being in the bar or watching tv in their room they are cluttering up the shop buying nothing and just getting in the way.

i should start giving them numbers at the door and after 10 minutes start shouting out their number and that their time is up: now get out of the shop.

not sure the boss would like it - but it would make me happy.

Sunday, July 01, 2018

ph1

miserablist, misanthrope, pessimist, fat are all words that could be used to describe me.
i am a glass is empty and cracked kinda guy.
it is that spirit i present a new month of celebrations in the vein of black history and democracy week but aimed at the small level irks that annoy and irritate, slowly building up taking us to a point where we are just a hair's breadth away from becoming an infamous serial killer.
get in on the ground floor now so that when this annual event becomes global you can say i was there at the start.

modern life is full of low level irks, annoyances and petty hates. some of these are caused by people, sad to say i have (and i am sure you have) been guilty of some of them. some are created by the corporations and institutions that fame our lives.
they are the greivances that turn a bad day into glimpse of hell.
just the simple act of living is filled with minor bellyaches and trivial tribulations.

these blog posts are an attempt to celebrate these injustices and how we, mostly, continue to prevail in the face of such pains in the necks.
there is no particular order to the listing, as depending on the context what can irritate the tits off me one day is nothing compared to outrages caused by something else on another day.

so where to begin my list of petty hates?
london.
no, no, no i haven't fallen out of love with london, i am not tired of london. i still love london, i still think it is the greatest place on earth.
but london is changing and not for the best.
who do i blame?
landlords and estate agents.
thanks to estate agents there has been a move to rebrand parts of london. a misguided and stupid attempt to turn sections of the city into hip, happening, cutting edgy places that appeal to those who believe they are trendy.
oh look there is st. giles and holborn now being touted as midtown, because we've always thought of it like that. or marylebone and fitzrovia seeing part of it becoming noho. while strictly true that the area is north of soho it is also several thousand miles east of new york. or my favourite (though i am not sure if it is still in use) is the attempt to turn southwark into south central, because nothing says cosy and welcoming as south central.
fuck history and tradition let's turn everything into a cheap american knock off.

meanwhile landlords such as the duke of westminister  and the paul raymond estate (neither short of a bob or two) hike up rents and turn london into one big collection of franchises, mostly selling coffee.
i like coffee and would happily spend my life posing with a copy of moby dick while pretending to write a screenplay, but surely there are more than enough of  them? the road i am on has 4 chain coffee shops, two independents and at least another 6 places to eat.
while landlords get richer by doing very little london loses a bit more of its charm,    its individuality.

estate agents and landlords i do not like you, like you i do not.

Saturday, June 30, 2018

june

those happy few that know me understand that i have a curious relationship with time. i am perpetually late.
i see it as being a charming personality quirk - the sort of eccentricity that makes people smile when they tell tales of having brushed up against it. for others though it is an annoying rudeness on my part.

the thing is it is actually a somewhat wider issue for me.
i am not good at situating things in time. i can't do the 'oh wow i was doing this when that record came out' thing. or if i can i couldn't tell you when it was. nor can i relate things to their place in time.
so while i played pink floyd's 'the wall' to literal vinyl death i couldn't tell you when it came out. i could regale you with tales of how many times i went to see 'star wars' i would be guessing at the year it came out. (yeah i know serious fanboy failure).
there are several important dates in my life - and i am buggered if i know what they are beyond a vague 'happened in december about 18 years ago, maybe..)
(yet i can still remember my first telephone number....)

anyway this is a bit of a long winded way of saying: fuck me it's almost july. seems like yesterday i was making gung ho plans for 2018.
instead of the many things i thought i would do what i have done is come to work quite a lot (more  than i should), slept a lot, eaten, work, slept... rinse and repeat.
about the only revelation of 2018 is still i still find fart gags incredibly funny.

let's see if 2018 can be saved.
(but don't bet on it...}

Sunday, April 29, 2018

tardy

just a few weeks ago there was a review of a book that discussed the concept of time. essentially it was saying that time was a made up thing and that it is not the same in different parts of the world, galaxy, universe, cosmos whatever.
well at least that is what i thought the reviewer was saying was the author's  argument.

now i can't say anything about the mathematical and scientific proofs that may have been used by the author to prove this argument because i have enough trouble doing percentages and this sort of thing is several levels above percentages.
however i would argue that we all know that time is relative.

how can that be you cry. easy i say. we have all had those days at work where no matter how many times we look at the clock - it has barely moved since the last time we looked. yet when it comes to finishing that last job before you go home then the hands of the clock whizz at blinding speed and you quickly discover you are working unpaid overtime. a job that should have only taken five 'regular' minutes has become an accelerated hour or two.

why am i mentioning such big brain concepts? two reasons really. last time i looked at the clock i had plenty of time todo my stuff and get to where i am going in plenty of time. except when i look now i am later than late. where did the time go? who knows? (well i guess doctor who does know- but i am not invoking him/her - it is just a phrase).

secondly to those who know me and remark on my propensity to be late; i would just like to point out that you are operating on the wrong time. you are all working to greenwich mean time. really you should all be on  pmt, or as it is commonly known as pat mean time, this is a highly flexible and useful system.

so next time you think i am late, just remember with pmt i am on time; you are early.

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

computers

you have to love computers. let's be honest we have no choice. if we didn't love (or at least think they were ok) we would go mad in the modern world, where little remains untouched by the silicon kiss of the computer. more and more we are ensnared by the internet of things.

right now i am having my own little love hate battle with technology. of course i am losing.

the last few years have seen me move to mobile computing as a necessity rather than a choice (and shamefully i have to admit that this is because of my own personal failings and not something i can blame on a central processing unit). of course with using laptops and tablets there are inherent problems - such loss, theft, breakage and system failure.

so the tablet i have been using as decided to die - and from what i can make out it is the little bit that connects the outside world of reality to the inside world of circuits. (oddly this is always the bit that goes on my external hard drives - yes those things you are supposed to be able to carry around with you break at that bit that connects them to stuff you can use).
with the decline of one bit of kit comes the arrival of a new bit of kit. joy.
then when the excitement dies down you remember you have to set up all the links you need to websites and such like.
it is then you remember just how stupid you have been in relying on the computer to do its job and have stored all the passwords in it and not committed them to a piece of paper...

after many hours of trawling through emails i have found some passwords. more to be rescued. none of this helped by having to use a sluggish-not-my-own-laptop that seems to sometimes work and sometimes not, or it could be the internet connection that is at fault. the problem being is you are never quite sure what is causing the problem because click as you might on the button nothing works is it the physical laptop is having a problem? is there a lag in the connection? is the website not working? something else? a combination? who knows? but it does cause you to spit feathers and cry in frustration.

maybe lesson learnt: write them down.
we'll see at the next system failure, because i know there will be one.