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Sunday, May 30, 2010


susan boyle in the observer.
what the fuck!
an ok singer who became a sensation because she looked like a munter. that pretty much sums up the susan boyle experience.
next week in the observer: jade the reassessment, plus her deficit reduction dvd.

if the observer continues to dumb down like this it won’t be long before there are page three girls in it. they will all be post-doctoral students who count medieval literature and geopolitical think-tanks among their favourite things.


"it was as if he had been put on earth to do the job that was asked of him." (george osborne)
"which i feel all my life has prepared me for." (david laws)

crikey talk about setting the bar high, we are not talking about a job here, nor are we talking about a vocation, we are talking destiny.
ah if only reality lived up to the hype.

david laws was the treasury chief secretary, a very important job in the con/dem coalition government. he has had to resign because of, what looks to be, financial jiggery-pokery. before the revelations in the daily telegraph david laws was a rising star in the political galaxy. he had been a very successful investment banker who decided he wanted to enter politics to make a difference (isn’t that what they all say). once in politics he quickly became part of the new breed of liberal democrats all for free trade, belief in the private sector, less power for the european union and a smaller role for the state in providing welfare provision.
quite why he was a liberal and not a conservative is beyond me. seems it was also beyond the tories as george osborne had offered him a seat on the, then, shadow cabinet. to his credit david laws turned it down. i guess that changed when there was real power on offer.

david laws was also one of the crucial architects of the conservative and liberal democratic coalition.

for all intents and purposes we are talking about a golden boy of politics.
how quickly that can change.

the daily telegraph has revealed that he has claimed £40,000 of taxpayers’ money to pay rent to his partner. for eight years he had been claiming up to £950 a month to rent two rooms in two london properties (which is pretty impressive for an mp that proudly boasts that he spends 4 days a week in his yeovil constituency).
his partner owned the properties.
since 2006 members of parliament have been banned from leasing accommodation from a partner.

the reason this is coming out now is because at the height of the expense scandal david laws hadn’t revealed that his landlord was also his lover.

david laws believes he was had the right to keep his sexuality and his gay relationship private. he is right. it shouldn’t matter what a person’s sexuality is, people are entitled to have a life that is theirs and theirs alone. a person’s sexuality very rarely affects how they do their job.
what does affect them is the opinions, real or perceived, of others. this appears to be the rationale behind david laws’ decision to keep his relationship secret.
a few weeks back a soap star was complaining that his character’s storyline of a man coming to terms with the fact he was gay was getting people calling him a poof or queer. he moaned that in this day and age people should be able to realise that he was just an actor playing a role and that soaps were not real. he may as well have asked to wear a big t-shirt that said “i am not a fag” or “i am not a shirt lifter”.
the shock isn’t that there are people out there who believe that soaps are real, but that there are still people who judge people based on their sexual preferences (oh ok yes there is something wrong with people who like sheep).
so it is easy to see why david laws would have wanted to keep his relationship a secret from the public (as well as, it seems, his friends and family).

what is harder to understand is how that translates into a situation where he believes it justifies him misusing parliamentary expenses.
of course the irony of this is that nick clegg was pretty sanctimonious about the liberal democrats when it came to the expense scandal. so that is a bit of an ooops moment. additionally one of david laws’ main tasks as treasury chief secretary was to oversee the various cost cutting plans to aid the reduction of the government deficit, which also included tough new rules on pay and perks of public sector employees. ooops again.

it is believed that mr. laws is independently wealthy, if that is true then that just compounds the issue. his partner is a political lobbyist and probably isn’t short of a bob or two.

to his credit david laws has been quick to take action and has resigned his post, taking responsibility for his actions. though call me an old cynic (perhaps less of the old) the speed at which he has offered to pay back the money tends to indicate that even he knows he has broken the rules.
given his hawkish views on the deficit i can’t say he will be missed.

(and aren’t you all proud of me that i didn’t sink to the level of doing a his boyfriend is a political lobbyist i guess that means he has backdoor access, i tell you i could write for the sun.)

Wednesday, May 26, 2010


i hate wiggers (white boys being black). their desire to be something that they are not is beyond me, especially as it is mostly all about style rather than substance.
recently my ire has relocated towards the new leaders of the country.

one of the big non-stories of the recent election was the affect of the members of parliament expenses scandal. the electorate was not as exercised over the scandal in quite the same way that the media thought we should be. nor were we as worked up about it as the politicians were.
expenses and trust became part of the narrative for the political leaders.

so here we are and the con/dems are in power and they are making their move to clean up politics. they want us to trust them. they want us to think that they are just like us.
look there is david cameron walking to work. just like you and me.
see nick clegg: he is on the tube. he is one of us.
they are the ‘new us’.

except that they are not like us. not even a little bit. both are ‘leaders of the country’, true i think i could do the job better than they can, but i am not going to get that chance. they are both very wealthy; they are not short of a bob or two and both unlikely to ever worry about where their next meal is coming from.
they are not like us.
to be honest we don’t want them to be like us.

for all the talk of the ‘new politics’ it is nice to see that they are still happy to cynically use the media to show that dave and nick are just like us. oh there is another way they are not like us – we don’t get followed to work by the press and photographs of the journey plastered all over the place, nor are we followed by security services to protect us.
of course there is another reason for their ordinary journeys into work: cost cutting. oh look at us, they are saying, we know that times are tough and we are saving money (your money) by walking into work.
look lads take off your ozwald boateng hair-shirts we don’t begrudge you a car to get safely to work. in fact we would prefer that you were kept safe, got on with the job and stopped playing silly buggers pretending that you are just ordinary chaps.

it is nice to see that samantha cameron isn’t playing the game; she isn’t saying we have tighten our belts, we have to tough it out. nope she is making sure that kitchen in downing street is refurbished (the cameron’s are paying part of the costs). i guess that would have been a saving too far.

in the end it appears there is some common ground between david cameron and me – we both need a new kitchen. though he can afford one.

Sunday, May 23, 2010


the new east london overground line opened fully today.
quite exciting - especially for those in south london, now they can feel like they are part of the wider community.
the new shoreditch high street station is pretty amazing, very spacious halls for travellers. it is nice to have shadwell station back.
the trains are new and clean, even though their idea of air conditioning is not quite the same as mine. theirs is a slightly warm waft, mine is a chill that makes your nipples stand proud - not sure the traveling public is ready for that, just yet.

of course there is the missed trick of large spaces in stations that could have been used for concession stands, not that i would be suggesting that transport for london could have been charging corporate concerns in order to cut the fares. nope that would be a stupid idea.
aside from that it is a job well done.
i am looking forward to my next trip on, maybe i will venture further into south london.
steady on old chap - everest first, south london next.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010


the post below is a long form epic poem.
actually it isn't, but if i say that it might excuse the length.

so for those of you who can't be bothered to read the long and rambling tale here is the short version.

my planned journey to the tate britain took a turn for the worse when a combination of factors meant that a few buses were missed. which lead to me getting to the tate later than planned.
the trip back to the tate modern was relatively simple, but the show there was not very good.
to cap the day off i got soaked while walking back to brick lane.

pretty much covers the basics - much less swearing, fewer words and probably just as funny.


plan is information; knowledge is power and all that.
now picture the scene it is sunday, and i have a plan. i know what i want to do with the day. it is simple; it involves me going here, there, over there and back to here with a stop in-between. really simple.

most of the time when a plan goes wrong it is down to me being stupid or not carrying it out as planned (which when you consider it is a plan is a bit stupid).

i had planned to go to tate britain to see the final day of the chris ofili exhibition (never a good idea to see the last day of a show). get up early walk along the thames. see what i mean simple. ok falls at the first hurdle: don’t get up early.
adaptation is another aspect of plans. so check out the bus routes. i could do the 115 and walk from trafalgar square. mmm i wonder are there any other routes i could take?
let’s check.
get on the internet. go to transport for london website. look at buses. wow they have a new fancy bus map. put in the bus you want and it shows you the route on the map. sweet.
why it is a google map? don’t we have the ordnance survey or the geographers’ map company (they do the famous a-zs) can’t they provide decent and accurate maps for british companies to use? aren’t they cool enough?
back to the story: i bung in a location to see what buses from there might take me to the tate. there are some likely candidates. now what is nice about the new map is that not only does it show you the route, it gives you a list of the bus stops. belt and braces method. nice. sensible. foolproof.
i don’t know about you but there are times when i am using google maps when they don’t seem to work the way they should do – so a few views of different routes and i am getting maps that have routes on them but no streets – london has disappeared. no need to worry because there is a listing of the stops.
344 looks to be the best option, sure it is further to walk to than the 115, but it is a new route for me and it arrives pretty darned close to the tate. 344 it is.
all i need to do is walk to fenchurch street, as that is where the stop is.

walk, walk, walky walk and there i am at the top of fenchurch street. first bus stop and ‘oh look the 344 doesn’t stop here’. shit shit shitty shit shit. i know go into fenchurch street station and get a bus map from there.
bus map in hand. there is the 344 at liverpool street, and there it is again at southwark bridge road – no fucking clue where it is in-between those two. ask the staff at the station? why bother may as well ask a dada mime artist for help.
ok, ok time to amend and adapt the plan. i’ll get to the end of fenchurch street and see what options i have from there.
walk walk walky walk and i am almost at the end of fenchurch street and what the good fuck is that i see going by: yes it is a 344 – just that it doesn’t go down fenchurch street but it goes by it. nice. helpful.
now i am on gracechurch street and i can see a bus stop, and the 344 stops there. oh now you are just taking the piss look at that sign “bus stop not in use” – oh and look there is a helpful note telling me to use the next bus stop on the route – but where is it, would it have hurt to put a map there? no it wouldn’t have but they didn’t.
don’t panic. obviously it will be near london bridge. quickly make my way there, look behind me see a 344 coming, look ahead see a bus stop, run fat boy run.
get there, just in time to see the 344 turn a corner. noooooooo, it’s going to the monument. pissflaps.
walk around to that. no sign of a bus stop. oh i know where it will be. yup there it is, only it is the 344 stop for liverpool street – wrong direction. oh this is stupid.

this is about the time when anyone sensible would give up, but i am committed, i am determined. i am stupid.
if you can’t go forward, then go back. no idea where the next bus stop is, but i know where the previous one is. so off towards liverpool street i go. and there it is a working bus stop and look there is a 344 approaching it. joy.
“excuse me how do i get to fenchurch street?” no no no no no no why me, why? why? why? do my duty and watch another 344 sail on by. fuckity fuck fuck.
finally a 344 turns up. i jump on. happy.
oh by all that is fucking holy, by the power of greyskull and a big what the fucking hell is going on the bus has stopped at the “not in use stop”. remember what i said about planning and information? well it only works when the information you base your decisions on is right – so far transport for london have sold me two pups: firstly the stop is on gracechurch street and not fenchurch street – quite why they can’t get that right is beyond me and secondly they mark a bus stop as not in use when it really is in use. kafka does the krypton factor.
one of the joys of being on the top deck of a bus is that you get to see london from a different vantage point and sometimes that allows you to see the bigger picture. from my seat on high i can see just what has happened. transport of london have obviously employed a total fuckwit whose idea of fun is a facial from a doberman while he sits on a cactus. when said fuckwit was alerting potential customers to the fact that the stop was going to be out of action “due to works” he wasn’t concentrating on his task and was thinking too much about his illicit relations with a dyson no bag big ball machine and put the sign on the wrong fucking stop. quite how he missed the fact that the works were taking place on the other side of the road is beyond me, how he missed that the opposite stop had been fenced off with those bright red barriers that are the pride and joy of so many construction companies will remain a mystery to all the sages and mages in the world.
but can i take this moment to wish upon said fuckwit a plague on his house, a bad case of knob rot and that all the food he eats from now on tastes as if it had been stewed in the socks of a tramp who has not changed for a week or three.
so on the bus, at last. off to tate britain.
further into south london than i normally go.
oh look the imperial war museum, i really should visit it one day and so easy to get to. isn’t southwark bridge road a long road. there is lambeth palace getting close now. soon be there. crikey there is an odd coupling of establishments; right by chariots (roman sauna for men) is a motorcycle showroom. so much easier for the local chapter of the hell’s angels to get their brown wings.
ofili show seen. very good it was.
now i need to get back to the tate modern. sod the expense i will get the tate to tate boat. nice trip on the thames will cheer me up and get me there in no time at all. look at that the next one goes in a few minutes. perfect timing.
noooooooooooooooooooooooo what the wanking hell is going on the sodding place is locked up. nice padlock, below the timetable that clearly states that the next boat is due shortly. well that is a lot of fucking use, not like it is a popular route, i mean who would want to catch a boat between very popular tourist attractions on a sunday afternoon. i have no idea what i was thinking, silly me it is the perfect time to just be closed and no reason posted. arseholes.
it is back to the 344 for me. that will drop me off at the tate modern, or do i stay on and just get back to liverpool street and call it quits? i decide on the tate modern. mistake. show there is major pants. i leave and hoof it back to brick lane – i need a coffee.
and fuck my old boots it decides to rain and rain and rain again.
i am soaked. i look like a drowned ewok.
the moral of the story? not only am i not a map-reader i am not the man with a plan.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


finally the election has been sorted. huzzah!
okay i am not happy with the result, but in the spirit of the new politics (copyright nick ‘harlot’ clegg) here are a few things i would like to see banned.

ban members of parliament dodging questions with the very limp phrase ‘above my pay grade’. if you can’t answer simple questions what on earth are you doing running for office. if you don’t want to be out of step with your party save us all some cash and just stay home and send the party whip a postal vote.

let us hear no more bollocks about ‘national interest, not party interest’. if that were truly the case then all three leaders would have said let us all come together and form a national government until such time as the economic crisis has been solved. none of them said it for the simple fact that we would have believed none of them. guess what i haven’t believed one of them when they have said ‘national interest, not party interest’. in fact all it has made me do is shout out ‘liar liar pants on fire’.

while we are at it can we also ban all talk of ‘unelected prime ministers’. i know everyone wants to be like obama but we don’t elect a president we elect a party. i know, i know seems so simple, so straightforward yet it confuses so many people. oddly william hague mentioned it (again) yesterday. so william did we elect nick clegg to be the deputy prime minister? nope. yet we have him, in case you have forgotten he came third. (can’t help but think he is counting the days until the birth of the new cameron and david taking paternity leave,)
still it does me proud to hear fellow citizens claiming that we were living under a dictatorship, a tyrant and that we have seen mugabe (oh that came courtsey of malcolm 'i don't use hyperbole' rifkind) like politics. of course it is good we let the care in the community people have a say, just a shame some of them are in the conservative party.

and can i make a pre-emptive strike and ask that any member of parliament who says ‘day one’ or even more pointlessly ‘minute one’ to be taken out onto college green and be beaten with a ripe kipper and made to wear a dunce’s cap for a week. trust me chaps (and chapettes) uttering ‘from day one’ will not make you sound hip, it will not make you sound executive like, it will not give you that smidgen of street cred you are so desperate for. the kids won’t respect you for using it and the masters of oxford will laugh at you.

see there you go a blueprint for the new politics. simple.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010


crikey mcmoses but what a turn up for the books, and it isn’t what i would have done.
this time last week three men each had different views of where they would be right now.
david cameron saw himself as the prime minister at the head of a majority parliament.
nick clegg saw himself as either the head of the second strongest party or at the very worst the kingmaker who could play the important role in deciding who would be prime minister.
gordon brown saw the end of his political life.
then the public spoke. they spoke not with a shout, not with a whisper but with an emphatic mumble.
the result: the much heralded hung parliament. for some it was to be the right result, oh how they rue that view now.
the conservatives got 306 seats (36% of the vote).
labour got 258 seats (29% of the vote).
the liberal democrats won 57 seats (23% of the vote).
while it is a bitter pill to swallow the conservatives won, even if they didn’t win an overall majority.
now if i had been gordon brown this is what i would have done: on the friday morning i would have stood at 10 downing street and announced that the labour party were not going to enter negotiations in order to form a coalition, but were preparing to become the official opposition. why would i have done that? several reasons. on a personal level gordon brown has had a torturous time as prime minister neither getting the rub of the green or the credit he deserves, so a period as leader of the opposition would have allowed him to go on the attack and let him show his authentic voice. for labour a period in opposition would be a chance to regroup, recharge and re-asses.
and yes in my fantasy politics gordon brown would have been in charge of labour.
if i had been david cameron i would have probably have listened to the liberal democrats and if the demands were too much i would have said i would be happy to go it alone as a minority government.
poor old nick clegg he has got what he wants and he has found out that it is a poisoned chalice. now he is running between the two parties in order to get the best deal he can possibly can.
while it is true there is a better fit between labour and the liberal democrats, an agreement between the two parties would still not be enough to run the country. in order to do that they would need the support of other parties, such as the scottish national party. for those that support this idea it is seen as a progressive coalition, others have called it a rainbow coalition or a traffic light coalition. more accurately, and more harshly, it has been seen as a coalition of the defeated or losers.
as a down payment for working with labour it seems the liberals have demanded gordon brown’s head, although the price is too high it has been paid. what makes it even harder to swallow is that the eventual prize, a barely sustainable coalition, will lead to labour being unelectable for years to come.
so i am with john reid and david blunkett, labour shouldn’t enter into a coalition, they should man up and be the official opposition. let cameron and clegg be pals and provide an effective opposition to them, sit back and watch them fail.
nick clegg started out looking like a fresh broom in politics, now he is looking like a shabby harlot. now who would have thought that when they were casting their votes.

Friday, May 07, 2010


nick cohen saying that the liberals didn't do well because the working class have a folk memory of hating the tories.
ian hislop saying that none of them have a moral authority to rule.

now andrew neil now talking to some people from the apprentice - who the fuck cares what they think? oh and one of them spouts some bollocks about the public sector, obviously she is well aware of how the process works. i really hate those sodding celebs who are celebs just because they have appeared on a wanky tv show.

paxman is interview alex salmond. i am quite enjoying him, normally i can't stand him.

labour 133, tories 173, lib dems 26, others 25

although it is not clear the tories have won in that they have beaten labour. they haven't had a knockout blow.
to be fair no one is really crowing about how they have won. it is all very subdued. at the moment there is still the chance that there could be a deal between the labour and lib dem leadership.

crikey labour have gained their second seat.
esther rantzen got tanked. labour hold luton. take that ms celebrity.

oh look cameron has his jacket off.

labour 145, tories 185, lib dems 28, others 25

it will be a hung parliament. it is now down to cameron to decide does he go for a minority rule or does he do a deal with nick clegg and co.

paxman has dropped the bombshell on jack straw that there is talk about a leadership campaign against gordon brown. jack looked like he was going to shit himself, not that is an admission.

jaqui smith has lost her seat - suffering from the expenses scandal.

labour 149, tories 192, lib dems 28, others 25.

oh well time for me to call it quits.
the tory dawn is here.

not a happy day.


my seat is now not going to declare until 7am. the delay is down to a large turnout (rumoured to be a lot of false proxy votes) and because there is a referendum for a mayor of tower hamlets (hoping the answer to that is no).

darn eric pickles has been re-elected.

labour 113, conservatives 131, lib dems 22, others 24.

labour hold rochdale. seems that duffygate hasn't made a difference there, but it was another nail in the brown coffin.

they keep talking of a variety of swings. so it does seem that the tories will win, but not convincingly. so peter kellner says it is the electorate is saying we don't like labour, but we don't actually like the tories very much either.

dimbleby really lays into a bloke about how shameful the electoral process seems to have been.

labour 116, tories 141, lib dems 23, others 24.
304 seats declared out of 650.

barking - it seems that the bnp are in third place, and so have not challenged labour for the seat. still not declared.

paxman is chatting to david davis - and he thinks that there will be an absolute tory majority. he says that first past post means that labour and lib dems shouldn't be allowed to have a compromise government. though i am not sure how does a minority conservative government work? oh because he expects the other parties to act responsibly, which is short-hand for agreeing with the tories.

labour 121, tories 150, lib dems 23, others 25
so as it stands even with labour and lib dems coming together they don't have more than the tories.

oh well we all knew the tories were going to win.


tories now getting a head of steam up. 25th gan. 108 seats. labour have 102.
even though liberals are doing very badly it does look like they are going to have an important role to play in terms of who lead the country.

oh they have gone back to andrew neil. crikey they have really filled the boat with lots of pointless celebrities. bill wyman has just said that labour never did anything for him. cunt.

andrew rawnsley says there is a pattern growing. there is a swing to the tories. so he says it will be a tory minority government.
charles moore says all the swing is for the tories. but is it enough?
hutton says that brown may do a deal, but it would be a coalition of the defeated. hutton is now saying that the last 45 minutes of the third debate is why the liberals are not doing very well, that was when he defended the amnesty. does seem that everything is being hinged on those debates.

(bugger michael gove is re-elected.)

poor old clegg, what is he going to do.

labour 107, conservatives 120, lib dems 19 and other 24

no breaking the mould.
will we be looking at another election in a few months time?

tories gain carlise. that isn't good. i think the night is about to get worse.

110, 126, 20, 24
that is 28 gains to the tories.


beginning to flag.

labour 88, conservative 87, liberals 13, others 23

paxman with liam fox and david milliband. fox is saying that the public have voted for change, but not very much enthusiasm.
david milliband saying that no overall majority, then it is ok for parties to seek coalition. (he also looks like a less buff version of cody rhodes).

a liberal lord is saying we should wait to see what the results are.

paxman has asked liam fox is if the horse trading is something good. he says difficult to know where we are. paxman just wants to know can the tories do a deal with the lib dems, but he won't trade principles. so even now the tories can't give a straight answer. milliband seems to be happy to do a chat with the liberals.

97, 94, 14, 23
tories have gained 20 seats.

nick robinson is wondering can cameron get his party to agree to dealing with the liberals in order to get into power. at best he thinks that they will ask the liberals not to try to bring them done.

tories in front. wankers

102, 99, 13, 23

given the results at the moment i think the liberals will be happy to grab their ankles in order to get into power.
i did think that clegg had gone power mad and would do whatever he could to make sure he got to put his feet under the big table. at the moment it looks like he might not have that chance.


the tories are catching up
labour 74, conservatives 67, lib dems 9 and others 21.

cameron is about to win his seat. so now we have to listen to his smug acceptance speech.
why has he got some of his hair ruffled? does he think he is boris? though for cameron this has to be a bad night because he can see this as being his one term as prime minister and just keeping the leadership seat warm for boris johnson.

76, 73, 9, 22
won't be long before the tories are in front.

cameron says he ran a positive campaign. that the country wants change and new leadership and cameron is ready to provide that. he is ready to do what is right for the country. he will put the national interest first (which means he will look after the rich and not the poor). he says that labour has lost the mandate to govern.

it is a tie at the moment. from now on the tories will start pulling away - but will they get enough.
is it possible that there will not be a tory majority. oh please let it be so.
i guess david cameron is now on the phone to nick clegg - please bail us out, we didn't get the results we thought we were going to get .

80, 77, 9, 22 - which goes to show what i know.

blunkett seems to be the only person who has made a stand on what the result will be.

82, 78, 9, 23
the liberals have stalled again.

85, 78, 10, 23

i am hating this. a gentle flicker of hope is beginning to grow.


beginning to see more conservative gains popping up. that is not what we want to see.
looka like they have just taken basildon. tossers.

results are labour 52, conservatives 37, liberal democrats 5, others 15

basildon was symbolically important to the conservatives.

in terms of results conservatives are catching up. in terms of change labour have lost 11 seats and tories have gained 12.

57, 42, 5, 17

business wants certainty. shame the banks didn't care about such certainty. guff about sovereign debt. on the one hand they want to use greece as a fear story but also want to claim that we are not the same as greece. again it is wanting you cake and eating it - which is typical of business. talking of business how long before digby jones puts in a wobbly jowl appearance (not that i can talk about firm chiseled features).

by the way i am keeping up with things by scoffing jam doughnuts.

oh there is a picture of the workers in the bond market, they are barely moving. i bet they are going to get a wodge of a wedge for it.

60, 44, 6, 18

they really do need to jazz up the announcing of the results at each seat. the very dull reading out of the numbers is a bit dull. perhaps if they got boxing and wrestling announcers to do it there might be more exciting. so deep graveled voiced announcer shouting out that for the hundreds in the audience and the thousands at home battler brown has won his seat. then raise his hand and give him a championship belt.

the tories have gained 15 seats.

hague is chatting. he says it is clear that the tories are getting more seats and votes than any other party. hague is arguing that the tories should be allowed to form the government in the case of a hung parliament because they would have momentum.

69, 53, 8, 19

lembik opik giving a decent interview about losing, even in the face of paxman's weak gambit about the cheeky girls.

crikey cameron looks very very smug.

looks like it is going to be a fight between the moral right versus the constitutional rights.

72, 61, 8, 19

liberals are beginning to win some seats.


currently running
labour 35, conservatives 19, liberal democrats 4 and others 12

according to the bbc online only 3 london seats have declared. two of them are for conservatives.

back to andrew neil. he just keeps talking over people.
now he has gerald scarfe - less than interesting 'cartoons' from him.

looking like cleggmania hasn't done very well for them so far. of course this now has a profound effect for brown and labour as the fewer seats that the liberal democrats have the less chance of their being a coalition.
perhaps the fear of 'personality contest' hasn't been seen through.

i am impressed with jeremy vine and his election graphics. all very matrix. though it does make him look odd.

results are coming in thick and fast. now 40, 21, 4, 12

paxman asks some lords 'do you understand what is going on' and it seems no one really does know what is going.
but another tory gain has popped up on the screen.
a liberal lord has said politics won't be the same again - paxman sighs how often have we said that before.

42, 23, 4, 13 remember they have to get 326.

getting the occasional text from jay bragging about tory wins, but he just wants it known he isn't a tory.

bugger me sideways my seat isn't going to declare until 6am. not sure i will stay awake that long. still only three seats shown in london.

now 45, 28, 4, 13
there is talk of it being a real hung party.

lembit opik has lost his seat. more time for him to spend with his pretty girls. though will they be interested now he has no power?

48, 30, 5, 14


it seems that the results look like it means a conservative government will be an english one.

to be honest i thought it would all be done and dusted by now. still a lot of seats to be called.

blunkett saying that the results indicate that the tories will probably have enough seats so much so that there is no question of brown being able to hold on as part of coalition. now he talks of a coalition of opposition against the tories.

gordon brown holds his seat. thank fuck for that. i am sure he wants to go backstage and wipe his squeaky bum moment.
why by all that is holy is he giving great speeches now when it is too late.
or is it? have my sacrifices at the altar of onan born fruit?
come on gordon, come on labour you can do it.
(even better he didn't do 'the smile'.)
dimbleby saying that this was a valedictory speech. nick robinson seems to think that brown believes it is over and that brown has allowed enough wiggle room with his talk of 'duty' to either form a coalition government or to stand aside to allow someone else in the labour party to form a coalition party.

results at the moment are labour 28, conservatives 14, liberal democrat 4 and others 11
while this is giving me a glimmer of hope i can't help but remember this is a marathon rather than a sprint.

ed milliband says the people have spoken, but we just don't know what they have said.
we all know it will be clearer as the night goes on.

again they are banging on about who should be forming the government - ed points out the simple fact the sitting prime minister gets first shot of trying to form a government.
but that seems to be something they can't grasp or stick to - but if they stick to the simple fact they can't continue the bash brown story they are all running on.


i know it is wrong to say it but lady warsi is hot stuff.

results are currently labour 8, conservative 3, liberal democtats 2 and others 7.
though the swings to conservatives is still very large. very worrying. the tory dawn seems to be on us.

they have gone back to andrew neil. he is chatting to ally campbell. he points out that the tories haven't won as well as they thought they would do. campbell says let's wait until we see what the results are. neil bangs on about how brown hasn't won an election. campbell is pointing out that the election isn't over and so that people shouldn't be making their winners statements, such as georgie boy osborne has been doing.
now neil is asking who should be the new leader of the labour party. to be honest i am not sure why brown should step down.
in fact i think him stepping down would be a mistake - if there is a serious defeat of labour then brown should be there in order to make a transition to a re-energised labour party.

brown seems to be saying that he would try to form a coalition, it is within his constitutional remit.

now it is 11, 4, 2 and 7.


one of the things that seems to be coming out of this election is that the system needs to be reformed.
now i have to be honest i do like the first past the post system. you know where you stand. my mind has been changed a little on this by some of the smaller parties i met on the hustings. no matter what they do there is little chance that they will get elected. yet they have some interesting things to say. so hats off to hasib hikmat (united voice) and alexander van terheyden (the pirate party).
perhaps in a reformed electoral system these minor parties would get to have a say, they could always start as parliamentarians in the reformed house of lords.

oh it looks like the bond market is going to be trading as soon as they can do. seems the investors fear a hung parliament, because painful decisions will be hard to make.

conservative get their first seat and it is a gain from labour. and blow me he has gone on about change., i already hate chris skidmore (he used to work for gove, makes me hate him even more).

latest news is the tories are looking at an overall majority, that is not a good night for me or the country.
also the bbc have reported that brown will seek a coalition if there is a hung parliament.


two independent seats have been won. so at the moment only 5 seats have declared.

the two stories so far are: that at the moment we are looking at a hung/balanced parliament. secondly the other main story is how people have been turned away from polling stations without being able to vote. the surprise of this is that the turnout doesn't seem to be that much larger than previous elections.
have to say the polling stations i walked by today all seemed to be working ticketyboo. yay tower hamlets.

paxman is having a chat with margaret hodge. she is smug.
now he is chatting to clegg's spokesman - asking if they are proposing to keep brown in power. though of course this is all based on the exit poll. perhaps everyone is being a bit previous.

labour hold durham north.

fuck toby young is a tory - bet his dad is shitting in the grave right now. what a cunt.

i really hate it when they go to andrew neil. i just don't like him. he is chatting to peter snow, who thinks this is the most exciting election for years. quite why they have andrew neil working and not peter snow working is beyond me.

liberal hold a seat.


joan collins supports the tories. that says it all.

paxman has pointed out that a lot of the labour politicians wanted to get rid of gordon brown, so it seems odd that they want him to cling to power if there is a hung/balanced parliament.

one of the odd things of the exit polls is that the lib dems have done shit. serves smug clegg right.

the tories are quick to use the exit poll and the few results to say that the country have rejected gordon brown, but when it comes to the point that the exit poll says there is not an overall majority to the conservatives. oh the exit polls don't tell everything...
simon hughes points out the tories want it both ways.

more about people not being able to vote. bbc saying there was lots of enthusiasm to vote, but again you could be doing it from 7am until 10pm - that is 15 hours. not that hard to fit it into the day.
one thing i did learn today is i can't read a map. my polling card had my local station's location printed on it. i made my way there with some stuff for the local recycle bins only to discover the station was at the bottom of my road. me and maps!

the papers had their last minute pitches.
the sun stealing the obama hope poster - still as cameron has stolen the 'change' slogan and the rolled up sleeves look at from obama as well. i am a little shocked he hasn't been heard to say 'i'm your nigga dawg'.
the daily mail happy to imply that there will be riots and anarchy in the streets if labour win. quite why i expect them to be truthful is beyond me.

the history professor that dimbleby has on the show has argued that brown would go with dignity if there was a hung parliament because he would be concerned with his legacy. history apparently is not kind to those who cling on.
though of course it all depends on what the lib dems do in the hung/balanced parliament situation.

the polling station cock-ups seems to be the main story of the night.
there is a rambo polling station. i bet it is rock hard.

Thursday, May 06, 2010


dimbleby just been a turd and adked george osborn an economics question. he looked lost.

labour hold sunderland central. go go gordon. but a 5% swing to the tories. still a bit of a worry.
3 seats to the tories.

by the way i am blogging to you naked. just thought i would add that little bit of colour to the events.

osborn is going on about how labour has been rejected by the people, even though at the moment the three seats that have declared have been labour wins. i can see why they have kept him away from the media. nasty man.

why am i never polled on these sort of things?

as i wandered around the east end tonight i walked by several polling stations - none quite as busy as the ones who have had their problems. they were all busy but people getting in and getting out very amoothly.
saw some of the faces i saw on the hustings. oddly didn't get to see the prospective respect candidate (didn't get to see him at all) nor was ms ali around, though did get to see her at one of the hustings events.

i know it is wrong but the farage air crash is making me giggle.


washington and sunderland west close to declaring. lots of talk about it taking longer than expected because there has been higher than expected turnout for the election.
harriet harman is on the radio going on about how everyone has the right to vote - of course that is true, but people know the times and the rules, so is it the fault of the system? or is it their fault.

washington call it for labour. yay. go gordon. though it does have labour down a big chunk. an 11% swing to the tories. fuckity fuck fuck, that means disaster.
bloody increase in turnout seems to be helping the tories. wankers all.
at the moment 2 seats to labour, both were safe ones, but both have swings to conservatives.

crikey isn't eric pickles very very round.

paxman is going on about the possibility of challenges. (which also lets you know i am watching bbc)

mandelson has pointed out that tories vote early (for those that care jay voted at 7am) while labour voters vote later in the day.


just back in from a movie.
first thing i see is the exit poll, and it is showing a convincing win for the conservatives.
just what i didn't want to see.
to be honest we all know that the tories will win, but i have everything i can cross crossed in order to put off the victory.

crikey they are talking of the results being legally challenged because of not everyone being able to vote. though as someone has said the polling stations had been open for 15 hours.

Wednesday, May 05, 2010


vote vote vote vote vote vote vote vote vote vote vote vote vote vote vote vote.
in case you are not sure then vote anyone but not the conservatives.

let me just repeat that:

vote vote vote vote vote vote vote vote vote vote vote vote vote vote vote vote.
in case you are not sure then vote anyone but not the conservatives.

or to put it more simply: vote labour.

this has been a public pat service broadcast.
you know i make sense.

Tuesday, May 04, 2010


elections make for strange bedfellows.

there i was reading the daily mirror - the front page all about some girl from 'coronation street' battling cancer. a tiny box telling us that alan johnson (secretary of state for the home department) believes labour can win. true the whole piece was very short. it isn't like i would expect the mirror to big up the labour party or anything, after all corrie is so much more important than a national election.

also included in the paper was an 'exclusive' with ross kemp. ross had this to say: "after seeing the debates, i think it would be easy to confuse the election with a personality contest. ultimately this election is about who is the person to look after you and your family for the next five years not who would like to go for a pint with." (ross kemp, daily mirror, may 3rd).

now i am not the wisest person in the world, but given the circumstances that looks to me to be something you put on your front page, especially as kemp is going on to endorse gordon brown and labour.
oh hold on, someone from corrie might be dying. yup that is the story to go with.

to make matters worse (well for me) a similar view has been expressed by rod liddle. he had described the fact that the three tv debates had made such an impact as 'frankly worrying'. i couldn't help but agree with rod, not something i can say very often.

that the election for prime minister seems to have hinged on three tv debates and little else does point to a new style of politics. much more presidential and much more superficial. if we are going to elect just based on their ability to look at a camera and remember the names of some people in the audience then i think we have entered a dangerous era.
if it is going to come down to how they are on tv then i want more. sure they can deliver statistics to the camera, of course they can reel of policies while engaging the audience, and certainly they can all point out the weaknesses in their opponents. simple stuff.
but can they do it while spinning plates? can they do it while juggling on a unicycle? how about if they had to sing the statistics in a folk styling? or they could only denigrate the opposing policies while drinking a glass of water with a ventriloquist dummy on their laps. at least that way we will have some fun and we will know that the future prime minister is game for a laugh.

Sunday, May 02, 2010


soaked on saturday. sopping shirt.
soaked on sunday. soggy socks.