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Friday, April 29, 2011


currently constipated at both ends.
nothing coming out from either orifice.
not a good situation - hoping that tomorrow the floodgates will open and out will spill lots (and lots) of stuff - some for your pleasure and some for my relief.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011


tonight's blog has been held up by the olympics.
i decided that i did indeed want a ticket or two to go see an event or two at the london olympics.
not an easy site to work your way around.
yet somehow i have managed to order 4 tickets for four different events - all at the lowest prices (of course). my chances of getting any of time are slim to none. not just because there is a lot of demand for the tickets but because a large chunk of tickets are going to 'the olympic family' (fuck 'em is what i say - it is not their taxes that are going to pay for the sodding games, so they should come right down the pecking order - but that is what happens in a fair world, not the one we live in).
unlike 'the olympic family' i don't know if i have actually got a ticket - i won't know for awhile - maybe by may 10th, or maybe by june 24th. big window there.
even so i have had to give over my card details - just in case i do get the tickets.
as with all these things there is a booking fee: £6. so if i get all four tickets it works out at £1.50 a ticket. i am sure there are many others like me who have tried for several events, not so much because they are ardent fans of them, just that they want to experience the olympic moment. now call me a cynic - but i would wager that the majority of people who ordered tickets for multiple events will just end up with one event.
if different people get to go to events i have chosen then the booking fees are £24, if it is just me it is £6. as they say: you do the math.

still i am happy to know that my hard earned money (if they sell me the tickets) is going to keep seb and the rest of 'the olympic family' in the style they have become accustomed to.

Monday, April 25, 2011


been a while since i last travelled on the train. i like being on trains. no idea why, i just do.
one of the things you quickly learn about trains is that they are not cheap to use, and that is quickly followed by just how complicated the fare structures are (best price will be on the third friday of the month that has an eclipse in it).
there is a leaked report that (surprise surprise) highlights the unions as a barrier to efficiency in the rail industry, but seems to be recommending that there be job cuts (fewer ticket offices open, fewer onboard staff) which is to be coupled with rising fares.
oh that is ok then. the service will go down but the price goes up! result. fantastic. capitalism works so well.

Sunday, April 24, 2011


it is not even summer and already i am cursing the sun and the heat.
bring back the wind and the rain.
fie on you summer and your fucking sunny bright blue skies.

i hate summer.


mates are funny old things.
sometimes we take liberties with them, sometimes they take liberties with us.
we forgive them things we wouldn't forgive strangers.
they can hold views we don't agree with but we don't mind because they are our mates.
we can row and tiff with them to the cows come home, we will talk utter bollocks with them until the sun comes up.
mates are the oil that makes the engine of life purr.

though there are times when you wonder why you bother.
david cameron is probably thinking that just about now. there was leader of the conservative party already to stride into number 10 as leader of the country with his policies and meta-narrative all worked out. his bezzie mates william and george ready to stand either side of him with their smug grins all ready to tell us they had won and they were going to lead us out of the darkness.
when, would you believe it, we the public slapped them all in the face and said: not that simple chums.

david was not to be denied so he turned to his new best friend, nick clegg, and asked: "do you want to be in our gang?"
nick made a pretense of making up his mind but we all know that what he was thinking was: "yes! yes! yes! yes! yes! yes! yes! yes! yes! oh yes please david, can i come and play with the big boys."

since getting to sit at the big table things have not been as much fun for nick as he thought that they would be. his one big policy, the one he sold his pals in the liberal democrats on, av, is faltering. for a long while no one really cared. now we only care because the politicians are making arses of themselves over it.

and this is what nick has had to say about the no to av campaign in the independent that it is the:
"death rattle of a right-wing elite, a right-wing clique who want to keep things the way they are".... i include all those, and of course it includes the conservative party, who like this nice little racket. they get a job for life and they waft into power and they don't even need to bother try to get a majority of people onside."

at least he didn't call the tories nasty or nazi, though i am sure he wanted to.
i am guessing that a few of them have taken him off their christmas card list.

but hold on what was that about wafting into power and not needing a majority... mmm perhaps someone should be remembering how they managed to get into power.
though if there is one thing that politics teaches us it is that when they are in power they will say anything to stay in power.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


over in hong kong the recent remake of sex and zen: extreme ecstacy has broken records and has taken more money than avatar.
i suspect that sex and zen has a rather more intelligent story (one hesitates to say adult in this context) than avatar had (though that wouldn't be too hard as most episodes of teletubbies were more complex than avatar), however i doubt that was the reason why people have flocked to see the movie.
i am pretty sure it wasn't just the erotic content.
i reckon it was the fact that the erotic content was being shown in glorious 3d.
the mind boggles at what was being pointed out from the screen at the watchers or what was being shot out from the actors into the audience.
all i know is that i wouldn't want any of it in my eye.

3d porn that should increase the number of people who stay in.
get shares in wrist supports and pizza delivery companies now. you have been told.

Sunday, April 17, 2011


samuel l. jackson is cool. hell he has even played shaft - that is how cool he is.
samuel l. jackson is one of the most famous actors of our times and one of the few black actors who can 'open' a movie (to use the parlance). sadly for sam he is not one of that elite group of black actors who are seen as being 'serious actors' that is for the likes of denzil washington, morgan freeman, will smith and most recently jamie foxx. while sam might be cursing the fact that he hardly gets a look in when it comes to the complex, sensitive caring type roles he knows he is never going to be short of work.
still now he gets his big chance. he is to appear on broadway playing martin luther king.
i can see it now.
"i have a dream muthafuckas."
(although it being samuel l. jackson it should be "i have a muthafucking dream you muthafucking ni......" oooh i nearly did it, but didn't. don't want spike lee on my case.)

good luck with it sam.
perhaps now you will get the film roles that have gravitas to them - rather than slick patter and sweary words that make a potty mouth blush - you deserve that chance of leading actor oscar glory.

Friday, April 15, 2011


first it was about saving people.
now it is about getting rid of gaddafi.
cameron, obama and sarkozy have all up their rhetoric and in doing so have gone on the usual mission creep that is so popular of world leaders who are not going to be asked to put their lives on the line.
even better as they are making their proclamations they will also be saying that it is for the libyan people to decide - but only as long as they don't choose gaddafi.

i reckon that there has to be a worthwhile study (and an interesting one) in what drives national leaders to go into conflicts - do they see it as the validation of their leadership? do they sit down at gatherings and go 'my war was bigger than your war'?

just think poor old david cameron has been in power less than a year and already he has played the 'war card' and the 'immigration card' - it is looking like all he will have left for when the cuts really bite is a full on invasion of france - and that won't be easy given we are sharing military forces now.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011


if i needed a reminder that i am getting old i got it last night.
i expect to get it again tonight.
it is bad enough that i have trouble walking up stairs, that my back aches, or my knees creak when i crouch down.
old age is coming on, father time has his hand on my shoulder.
not only that it seems he is also squeezing my bladder. last night there i was awake at 3am to go to the toilet, and not for the first time have i had to stumble to the bog in the dark and i suspect it won't be the last time and it will become a regular event.
oh well at least it is something to look forward to each night.

i am getting old.

Monday, April 11, 2011


add being the parent of a young child to the reasons you can use to blame other people/ causes to why you might be fat.
as a parent to a young child it is likely you choose the easy option of prepared meals and thus become fat. of course if they are eating them the chances are they are feeding them to their kids. so beginning the fat cycle.
the authors of the study are very quick to point out that this isn't about blame.
no these studies never are - they are about providing excuses.

the majority of fatties (like myself) are the way we are because we scoff far too much.
simple answer. eat less, exercise more.
problem is my planned book: "oi fatty" keeps gettting turned down by the publishers. they say there isn't enough in it, but i thought it would be better if it was a slim volume.

i thank you.
matinees on wednesday.

Sunday, April 10, 2011


‘I don’t want to try to insert Britain in some leading role where, as with so many of the world’s problems, we are responsible for the issue in the first place.’

so said david cameron (maggie would be turning in her grave, if only she would just die) in answer to a question from a student in pakistan.
yet there he is sending the military into libyia.
perhaps it is time for cameron and his ilk to not only accept that the colonial past was not always beneficial but that the power we had then has gone and it is time for us to sit back, ensure our own protection and let the rest of the world play at soldiers.
problem is once you are in the top seat you can't help but play commander in chief. so on the one hand we don't want to be involved on the other we want to get our hands dirty.
mr. cameron it really is time to make your mind up.
follow on with the logic of the military cuts you are planning to make and reforge the armed forces into something else other than a small fighting force that we seem to be prepared to waste in struggles that are not ours.

Saturday, April 09, 2011


news international and the news of the world are busy issuing apologies for their phone-tapping excesses. i am sure that all the taps were done in the name of 'the national interest', because we just have to know what some dull celebrity is planning. i am sure that such underhanded practices are also used by others in the news industry.

however i do feel that i am owed an apology by news international.
why haven't they tapped my phone? why haven't they tried to find out my secrets.
true i am not particularly famous. true i am not particularly interesting. true i do not have paticularly juicy secrets.
but that isn't the point.
i will just have to learn to live with my non-celebrity.

Friday, April 08, 2011


had a bunch of things i planned on gabbling on about tonight.
had a whole slew of things i needed to do.
turns out i am so tired that all i could manage to do is sit down and turn the computer.
that means you are getting nothing from me tonight. you have a night off from me. i know you are missing me already, but i will be back, so you can relax in that knowledge.

Thursday, April 07, 2011


i would be the first to admit that i am not an open welcoming person. my default mode could probably be described as “leave me the fuck alone”. mostly it just means people don’t bother me in the streets. that makes me happy.

it seems there are times when my factor 5 fuck off wears off and i suddenly attract all kinds of attention. tonight seemed to be one of those nights.

i was out and about looking at some art. i tried out a couple of new galleries, saw some great art and got the exercise of walking to and from the galleries. in the first i was approached by the gallery owner. he was interested in my thoughts on the show and the gallery and i gave them to him, while all the time wondering why the pretty girl who stomped about because she was wearing heavy shoes was put off by the factor 5 ‘f.o.’ and he wasn’t. i told the bloke i was glad that there was a new gallery to visit. he told me that i was a distinctive looking so he was bound to remember me.

thanks for that gallery guy.

i left him to deal with the new crowd of people who had streamed into the gallery.

i moved onto another gallery. a bunch of beer guzzling bohemians standing outside (it was a night where you could easily tell where the open galleries were – they had more people with bottles of beer standing outside of them than the local pubs – amazing what free drink will do) and no many in the gallery. i go in. look at the black and white photos on display (black and white means art doncha know).

i chin stroke my way through some ok photographs. some are very good, most are average a few are bland. even as i am studying the photos i have clocked the two pretty girls sitting on the settee that is in the gallery. they are stopping me from getting a good view of some of the photos – i don’t mind too much as they are not among the best in the show. time for me to go and make my way home. one of the girls asks me if i can take a photo of them (not an unusual request as i had my camera with me) and she hands me her iphone to do the deed. i do. head of both of them. (that may make it sound like i knew what i was doing but just trying to use the iphone to take photos was a challenge – there is certain technology i shouldn’t be let near. oh they didn’t just want head shots – they wanted the full body and they wanted to stick their long slender legs out for me to capture in digital form.

now that is the sort of challenge i like.

stupidly i didn’t faff over taking the photos. what the hell was i thinking…..

job done and i moved on, my only reward their smile of thanks. again what was i thinking?

time to go home. nice long walk. need the exercise it is a nice evening. i get to have a smile as i walk by the office building that houses chubb security only to notice that a place that is all about locks and safes has a security guard sitting on a stool to protect them. what does that say about their product?

getting late.

will go to sainsbury’s to get a snack.

walking down valance road. little old asian chap stops me; he is traditionally dressed and has a neatly trimmed snowy white beard. he points up the road and says ‘do you know?’ i jump to conclusions that he is asking for brick lane, he doesn’t want brick lane. something about ravi in bethnal green. i point him in the direction of bethnal green. no he says do i know ravi in bethanl green. his english is poor and my shyleti is worse. i shrug and say i don’t know ravi of bethnal green. he smiles at me and tells me i am a very good man, a nice man. i agree with him, give him the thumbs up, tell him to have a good evening and i move on.

in sainsbury’s now. looking at the yogurts. i have become a big fan of yogurts recently. i feel like a treat so i am going to go for a twekkelo farmhouse yogurt with black cherry. as i pick it up and put it in my basket a young bloke asks me if it is nice. i bite my tongue because like all sensible shoppers i only buy stuff that i don’t like, instead i tell him it is good and i also recommend that he try the apple and cinnamon version as well (see public service pat). he looks at me as if i had imparted great wisdom and in return he must reply with a more profound statement. and he does.

“once you have had a few mouthfuls you have to finish it all off.” this seemed to be a problem for him, while i just thought that was the done thing to do. i nodded sagely with him and walked away, backwards: just in case. i never saw if he took my advice.

i just kept thinking why me? these are the people that ems talks to not me.

tomorrow i am putting on factor 7 ‘piss off i don’t care what you have to say.’

Wednesday, April 06, 2011


"i'm in politics not to take risks with the nhsbut to safeguard and improve the NHS for today and future generations. if we want to keep the nhs free at the point of use we have to make it more efficient - sticking with the status quo is not going to work."
so says david cameron.

you know what i have to say to that?
liar liar pants on fire.
see cutting edge politial satire and commentary are alive and kicking.

Tuesday, April 05, 2011


the coalition have a new buzz phrase.
a new frontier on which to show they are caring and compassionate.
a new way to show that they are not the nasty tories, but the cuddly loving conservatives who like us all.
welcome to the world of social mobility.
we have had a period where the answer to every question asked of the coalition government mentioned 'left with the biggest deficit ever in the whole wide world... if not the entire universe and beyond'.
now no matter what the question is it is looking likely that those wanting to make an impact in the coalition will have to shoe horn in 'social mobility'.
witness oliver letwin (who?)  (cabinet office minister - i know you knew that), mr. letwin is alledged to have made an off-hand comment/joke to boris johnson about not wanting people from sheffield to travel abroad. shock. horror. private conversation gets reported as news.
mr. letwin is neither denying, confirming or apologising for the alleged comments. instead he says he never knowinglt ever says anything offensive and continues with that he is "passionately behind" social mobility and "devoted to people being able to make the most of their own lives." which is a bit rich coming from a politician who is part of a coalition government that has hiked up the price of education (making it harder for the poorer in society to get ahead), cut education edicational maintenance allowance (making it harder for poor students to stay on at school), cutting public sector jobs (cutting down the number of jobs available and the prospects that people have) and this depresses the employment market which in turn means ...oh well you get the picture.

so expect over the next few months to hear a lot about social mobility.
every time you hear it remember they don't mean it, they don't care and if they were really honest they just want you to doff your caps.

same old tories.

Monday, April 04, 2011


listen. what do you hear?

the sound of a coalition in reverse?

the sound of a coalition laughing at us?

the sound of confusion?

no it is none of those things.

andrew lansley tells us that the government will pause their plans for nhs change and would be listening to people’s concerns.

for the government (well the conservatives) the changes are needed in order to prepare the nhs for the challenges of the future - such as meeting international benchmarks (which in any other vocabulary would be the same as targets) on cancer or dealing with the growing question of an elderly population.

one of the ways of meeting these challenges is to let doctor’s consortia (managed by professional, private sector, managers – being private managers it means they are worth their salary no matter how high it is) buy ‘care’ from any ‘willing provider’. may as well call it privatisation and be done with it.

most sensible people are concerned about the whole thing; most sensible people know this is just the start to breaking the nhs up. several people have commented that the problem has been that the coalition haven’t ‘sold’ the idea well enough (perhaps they have done it well enough, it is just we don’t want the nhs sold down the river).

in response to this apathy cameron and clegg are off on a ‘listening exercise’ to reassure people, but there will be no substantial change to the plans, maybe a few tweaks; nothing more. not much listening then, more telling/

can you hear it?


it is the sound of private medical providers laughing all the way to the bank.


yes to av?
no to av?

have to say i am a no to av person. it feels odd to be on the same same as david cameron. hoping there are not many more occasions where he and i agree.

still the yes vote lost a lot of respect when chris huhne described baroness warsi as acting like goebbels - thus falling foul of godwin's law in double quick time.
the yes vote is also undermined by the fact that nick clegg is for it - let's be honest he is not the poster boy he used to be.

unfortunately there are no london local elections this year so when i go to the polling booth all i will be doing is voting for (or against) alternative voting.
oddly the result will be decided by a first past the post vote.
you have to love irony.

Sunday, April 03, 2011


safe in his hands - that is what david cameron told us.
he is the king of porky pies.
seems a few of the liberal democrats have grown a spine and the coalition has to look at its plans for the restructuring of the national health service. cameron, clegg et al are all a little worried that there isn't a ground swell of support for their changes.
they think it is because we don't understand the benefits of their plans.
sadly for cameron and clegg we are cleverer than that weunderstand perfectly what the plans mean - they mean the eventual privitisation of the national health service. it means lots of private companies making lots of profits from the ill and sick (soon to be: customers).

a while back the evening standard was praising the john lewis partnership for being able to give out bonuses to all its staff. why, they opined, can't john lewis take over the nhs? well perhaps it is because making profits from selling stuff to people who want to buy things is completely different from dealing with people who have to use a service because they are sick.
though it probably doesn't matter to the standard's leader writer they, no doubt, have access to private health care.
the rest of us are not quite so lucky, and given a recent report about how a large chunk of prescriptions are never collected because of the cost of them it seems a number of us can't even afford to deal with the national health service.

Saturday, April 02, 2011



waiting can be hell. waiting can be fun. waiting builds expectations. waiting creates jitters.

anticipation can be heaven, anticipation can be hell.

counting down the days.

watching the hours.

minding the minutes.

ticking. tocking. the ticking countdown as the clock gets to the moment you have been waiting for.



world cups? every four years: who cares?

general elections? why bother.

the olympics? not that special.

royal weddings? so what.

christmas? there’ll be another one next year.

the oscars? ho hum.

large hadron collider? not all that.

so what am i waiting for? simple wmxxvii: wrestlemania 27. a night of wrestling superstars, a night of action, a night of entertainment, a night passion, a night of drama.

wrestlemania has it all. glitz, glitter, blood and sweat.

orton versus punk, cena versus the miz, triple h versus the undertaker. if that wasn’t enough throw in edge, rey mysterio, vickie guerrero the rock and stone cold (what) austin and you have the event of the year, only to be matched by next year’s wrestlemania.

wrestlemania is bigger than sport.

wrestlemania is bigger than entertainment.

wrestlemania is sports entertainment.

and i can’t wait.



Friday, April 01, 2011


i love the tube system.
sadly i don't get to use it as much as i would like as i am a penny pinching bus user. so when i decide to use the tube for speed and convenience i sit back and enjoy it.

a recent addition to the london transport menu of services has been the east london overground line - and what a joy it is.
the current building programme involves the much talked about and expensive crossrail service. some people are for it, some are against it. slowly but surely it is beginning to take shape.
one of the places where this is most obvious is tottenham court road tube station. lots and lots of building going on aound there. it has meant the end and demolition of the astoria (boo hoo - saw one of the best gigs ever there), big diversions for buses and a new skyline where old buildings have been torn down and maybe new ones to go up.
part of this is going to be improvements to the northern line platforms at tottenham court road. the northern line is probably the runt of the london underground - it never seems to work properly. this isn't going to change that, but it will make the platform at tottenham court road better and that is no bad thing.
unsurprisingly this sort of work can't take place when the tube is running, nor is it practicalable to do the work overnight. so there is to be a planned closure of the nothern line between now and christmas. in theory that should mean that the work gets done and done well.

how does the evening standard react to such news?
"chaos" they cry. even though it won't be chaotic because everyone who uses the tube will know about it. i can only guess that the definition of 'chaos' (as used by the standard and daily mail) is it looks good in print and helps sells more papers, especially when it means nothing.
the standard goes on to point out that users of the northern line might have to get off at goodge street or leicester square and walk to tottenham court, they do it in tones of what hardship this is rather than the 5 minute walk it is.
i guess it is easier to report on 'chaos' than it is to write about a necessary closure in order to faciliate the building works that will benefit all the users of the station. while one of those stories is accurate the other one is sexier.

one of the things we seem to have gotten real good at over the last few years is the casual denigration of our abilities, our culture and our society. rather than highlight the importance of the works and the talents involved in such a building project - it is much more fun to bitch and moan rather to front up and say this is needed work and a brave decision has been made.

moaning is better than reporting it seems.


i am a portly sort of a chap.
well i was.
work it seems adds pounds and inches to you waist.
i know why, i have seen all those reports in the daily mail, and such like places that list a whole host of factors that lead to office workers piling on the pounds: that office workers are sedentary (me); that stress leads to eating more (me); that having to think leads to needing more calories (me) and all the others.
my situation is not helped by the fact that several of the people in the office are prodigious comsumers of sweets. they enable my eating of cakes. they are so naughty.
so i have gone from portly to paunchy and beginning to be hanging over the belt belly.

so as i step back to a cuddlesome size i have cut down on the chocolate and started back in on the fruit.
still fat.
but now i have zits. how does that work. when i was eating choc and doughnuts not a zit in sight. go on to fruit and i am a pimplehead.
there is no justice.