when i was a kid i used to get holes in the knees of my jeans, no idea why just that the knees always went. it might have been from playing marbles (not that i was any good at marbles) it might have been from playing football (and i was hopeless at football) it might have been from climbing up stuff and scrambling down stuff (even less successful at this than football). no matter what the reason was there would come a time when the knees in my jeans would go and i would walk around looking like a tramp.
i used to work with a quite a rotund chap and who wasn’t going to be winning any beauty prizes (double page spreads in whaler’s monthly not withstanding). yet he would wear expensive brand name jeans – and i’m not talking about levi or wranglers here i mean those designer labels that have silly logos that take up half the jeans, that have been artfully distressed with clever fraying here and there. funny thing was he wore them badly – they just didn’t suit.
what was strange about his wearing of these jeans was it didn’t make him look any better – he was still fat and ugly, the brand name just highlighting it even more. very much a case of pig’s ear silk purse or mutton dressed as lamb.
i have been blessed with the knowledge that no matter what i wear i will always look like a fat slob. the best i can hope for is that the clothes fit, an added bonus is that i manage to colour coordinate.
one of the benefits of this realisation is that i don’t spend that much money on clothes.
so most of my jeans are cheap and cheerful no name brands: mostly sainsbury’s basic. cheap and they do the job.
just recently a few pairs have developed holes. no longer do the holes appear at the knees where i could at least claim a modicum of street cred trendiness. no these holes have appeared in the arse of my jeans. i have no idea why i keep getting rips in my jeans – it could be the toxic fumes that escape my arse on regular, and frequent, occurrences and sometimes with such ferocity that it makes the kers system on a formula 1 car look like a wind-up mechanism. it could also be the corrosive effect of the sweat from by nut sac. yeah i know it isn’t a pretty picture, but we are all adults here and if you can’t discuss ball bag lube with friends then just who can you?
anyway regardless of what causes it – holes in the arse of my jeans have appeared.
not just in one pair, not just in two, but in three pairs. last time this sort of thing happened to me was in runcorn and i had to resort to gaffa tape. it chafed.
as if to make matters worse i wander along to my local sainsbury’s to scout out some jeans and blow me down and tickle my tum but they have gone all up market with gok wan and clothes that are designed for skinny trendy people.
no basic jeans. no cheap jeans. no basic cheap jeans.
holes in the arse of my jeans: disaster.
no cheap basic jeans: disaster.
put them together and we have discovered just what it is the mayan’s were referring to.