-20

i remember: field of dreams.

i am an avid cinemagoer. i love the cinema experience. the sitting in the dark. the anticipation of the movie. suffering through the ads (mostly they are never very good, and i never thought i would say this: but i miss pearl and dean). getting excited by the trailers for forthcoming films and then the lovely hush as the feature begins.
yes indeed i love the cinema.

way back when i used to go to the cinema a lot with paul. we would finish work and pile into the west end and see a movie. before the movie we would stock up on chocolate (and quiet a lot of it) and the obligatory diet coke. neither of us thought of the drink as being part of a calorie controlled diet thing – we both just liked the taste. but we both got funny looks.

(a bit of a digression we did work with a bloke who was almost spherical. when he went on a diet he loved his diet slimline tonic when he was eating, sadly he ruined the effect by ordering his dinner by the inch rather then calorie count. last time i saw him he was like a space hopper.)

armed with choc and pop we would go and see the film of the day.

1989 and we go and see “field of dreams”. to be honest i can’t remember what i expected of the movie. it was a film i was enjoying all the way through and then at the end it went from being just a film to be one of those films that will stay with me for the rest of my life.
“field of dreams” the film someone told me was about baseball has an ending that choked me up.
with the following exchange the tears were in my eyes.
john kinsella: well, good night ray.
ray kinsella: good night, john.
[they shake hands and john begins to walk away]
ray kinsella: hey... dad?
[john turns]
ray kinsella: [choked up] "you wanna have a catch?"
john kinsella: i'd like that.

like a good mate – paul took the piss.
i had to hear about it for days on end at work. paul did redeem himself by getting me a copy of the video for a birthday present.

the above scene hit me hard because i had only recently broken up with annemarie and was no longer in contact with the kid (i wasn’t the genetic dad, i was just borrowing him while i was dating annemarie).
i had a lot of trouble coming to terms with the fact that i had been dumped; surprisingly i was having even more trouble thinking about the fact that i was no longer a dad.
“you wanna have a catch,” reminded me i was never going to be a part of the kid’s life.

it also reminded me that my relationship with my dad was not the best, and hadn’t been for years.

in short it was a blubtastic moment.
because as i watched i knew i would never play catch with the kid again nor would i ever repair my relationship with my dad.

but with the video in my grubby hands i found myself crying at the film earlier and earlier in the film.
there was the moment when moonlight graham gives up the dream of playing baseball so that he could save a young child from choking. sob.
there was the moment were terrence mann explains about the dream and how they will come. boo hoo.
the moment when moonlight graham talks about his departed wife. blub.
annie kinsella arguing for the freedom of speech “at least he wasn’t a book burner you nazi cow…” weep.
terrence mann going to find out what is out there. snivel.
ray kinsella admitting he had never done anything crazy. bawl.
and many more.
hell i can’t even look at the dvd case without tearing up.

fuck i am man enough to admit that even typing this has me choked up.

“field of dreams” is the film that affects me more than any other film. it is a film i love. because of it kevin costner can do no wrong in my eyes.
it is a film that makes me cry like a baby, it is a film that makes me happy, it is a film that gives me hope.

for some it is a film about baseball – but those people are wankers.