Search This Blog

Tuesday, February 07, 2012


it is the little things that remind you that you are getting old.
today i was double-teamed, topped and tailed.

you go out. you get a coffee. you get a beigel.
the coffee is good. as ever.
an evening stroll down brick lane chewing on a beigel. mmmm that was a bit crusty. only that crunchy crusty bit wasn't an over baked beigel it was the broken shell of a tooth. nice. now my teeth are not the best in the world - they are the american stereotype of english teeth.
i am scared of dentists, well that is not true i am petrified of them. it is that simple. all i can put it down to is a fear of pain - it wasn't like my old dentist, mrs. gutzman, was bad it was just that it always hurt.
i have never gotten over the fear of the pain.
since my late teens i have managed to avoid dentists - until last year, and even then i had a panic attack and decided against getting treatment (the anti-biotics did the trick).
now i have half a tooth, but no pain. so for the moment no trip to the dentist is needed.
the fear is there.
another sign that i am getting old.

at the other end of my body, another hole was playing up. this time i had a bout of constipation.
the walk and the coffee had worked a bit of magic and there was a rumble in my tum. rush to the toilet have to catch the movement. luckily there was a book in the bog ready to read.
i take the throne like elvis in his pomp.
a little parp.
then nothing.
another parp.
then the first contraction and the bowling ball of poo pushes up against the much smaller hole of the sphincter muscle.
it shall not pass.
tears in the eyes.
shortness of breath.
that poo has to ccome out.
the anus doesn't want to let it out.
little ball of shit plops out.
red mist in front of eyes.
small success.
squeeze and squeeze again.
it's coming. it's coming.
feck that hurts. it realy does hurt.
now that is has started nature and gravity take hold and out it comes.
a large long log of fecal matter.

felt like i was shitting sandpaper.

looks like my plumbing is going to pot (ahem).

time for me to crack out the shawl and slippers, old age is approaching.

No comments: