petty

the joy of england thumping australia down under in the ashes has been somewhat dulled by the ongoing rumbling of the failed english world cup bid.


recriminations and accusations are thrown about. oh we are too arrogant, we were just expecting it to be given to us, it was our media wot lost it (see what i did there?). none of this really comes close to the real reason. even to the casual follower of sports politics it is obvious that sepp blatter and his pals have no love for the english and that pesky english premier league, and that meant there as much chance of them giving it to england as there was of the sainted bobby moore coming back to captain the national team.

(oh and no doubt there was a rouble or two going to the fifa members to make sure that they voted the right way.)

still done is done.

no use crying over spilt milk.

step forward boris johnson to demonstrate that he has a full understanding of how to be petty, and i have seen some experts in the art of petty (no names no pack drill),
boris has cancelled the offer of a free stay in the rather plush and exclusive dorchester hotel for fifa executives during the 2012 olympics.
now to a lot of people such an act of petty revenge is just a pointless act.
not i.

boris johnson: i salute you.

(not only are you slapping the beastly fifa in the face, but you are saving the money of the london taxpayer.)

now if only seb coe was to follow suit and tells sepp and co. that they have to buy their own olympic tickets then that would be perfect.



(these could be the reasons why i am not in charge of the country.)

browsing

read an article about the internet the other day. it was on about a way some internet companies can track and use your web history for their advantage.
the unscrupulous bastards.
in the article they said that these companies were exploiting a bug in the browser software.

given that one of the biggest collectors and users of this information are porn sites, i am not that bothered after all they are justing to find out my internet use is pretty dull bbc, porn, porn, bing, more porn, porn again, daily mail some more porn, blog, back to porn, bit more porn and last bit of porn. see classy use of the internet.

the article goes on saying that browsers are aware of this issue. that safari and mozilla have dealt with it.
internet explorer has gone some way to dealing with it via its new 'inprivate' browsing. oddly 'inprivate' doesn't seem to be something you can set up as part of the standard running of internet explorer.
so they know there is a bug, and they provide a solution, but you have to remember to turn it on every time you open the browser to search. nice work microsoft.

it is not that i mind web companies having my browsing information - as i have said it is very dull reading (for them, great pictures for me), i just don't want them using that information and all i get back in return is a cleverly targeted ad.
yeah great.

however if apple want to send me an ipad that would be fine (the ipad is much better than the kindle: porn in black and white may as well be art) and that would be a great use of web companies looking at my browsing history.

bojo

you may have noticed it has been snowing.


you may have also noticed that the snow has caused some problems – with warnings of apocalyptical proportions coming from some, if there is not a thaw soon.

who would have thought snow (so nice, so soft, so white, so fluffy, so cold: aaaah) could cause so many problems and so much consternation. probably those who nay-sayers who say: ‘but canada, switzerland, norway blah blah blah’ (pick a country, any country) deal with the snow so much better than we do (could it be, and i am just floating this as an idea, just a thought, y’know a brainstorming exercise thing: could it be that they are countries that have snow often and regularly? just saying).

while we get a lot of weather in the uk, we don’t get lots of extreme weather, which is why most drivers don’t have snow chains for their tyres, while most households don’t have snow shoes. why should we? not like we get this every year for very long.

yet come that first blast of snow “where are the gritters? where are they?”

you may have also noticed that england’s world cup bid came crashing down around our ears (quite why anyone thought that sepp blatter was going to let it happen is beyond me). in order to promote the bid the great and the good of england had pitched up in zurich to do the song and dance routine that fifa demand (done to the strains of liza minnelli singing ‘money’).

among the group was boorish johnson who i am sure was there to press the flesh and sing the wonders of london, rather than being there just for the jolly, after all it was just zurich. either way he was there.

boris is the mayor of london. it means he heads a very large team of people who administer the city. it doesn’t mean he is pounding the streets of london rescuing cats, and so sorting out every problem that befalls london.

yet the london evening standard reports that mr. johnson is being criticised for being in zurich. as his official spokesman has said “what else would he do other than get a shovel and move the snow himself? there's nothing he could do in london he can't do from here.” quite what is boris supposed to do when london city airport is closed, after all it is a private company. what was he supposed to do for the 100 stranded passengers who had to spend a night in a train – drive over to them and tell them stories? surely the question should be what are the overpaid executives of some of these companies doing? why haven’t they responded to the situation, why hadn’t they acted on the weather forecasts?

if this highlights a weakness in boris johnson’s administration it is that there seems to be no one who can step up and take responsibility when boris is not around.

still i am sure there will be some more snow this year and boris can leap into action to save the day, unless he is off on another junket.

snow

snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow


i love snow.
just a shame i am getting old and i now feel the cold.



snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow

tosser

today i nominate vince cable as a total tosser.
vince is the coalition's business secretary and he has been the architect of the coalition's new university tutions fees.
if what they say is true (and it being the coalition - it is hard to believe them) then the new arrangements seem reasonable. it strikes one as odd that cameron's government has been so bad at selling this particular policy, especially given how cameron was so happy to splash cash to make himself look very good to the media - he should have been spending the money on spinning (sorry i mean explaining) the tuition fees policies.

anyway back to vince.
before he was the business secretary of the coalition, he was the darling of the liberal democrats. we all liked vince. he told it like it was, he seemed to be a steady hand, and not a fuddy duddy.
vince was also against tuition fees. he even told the national union of students he was against fees. the students loved him.

now he is in power (an unusual position for the lib dems) and oops and he is all for tuition fees.
fees are good.
fees are wonderful.
fees will help everyone.
ok he might not be saying quite that.

students are not happy with the coalition. the students hate the conservatives, they are not overly keen on the liberal democrats.
the vote over the tuition fees is coming up. some of the liberals are going to vote against it. some are going to abstain.

what is vince going to do?
is he going to vote for the policy that he had a large part in creating?
or is he going to abstain?

we don't know, because vince isn't saying. he is teasing us.

this is what he says:
"my own personal instinct, partly because i'm the secretary of state responsible for universities and partly because i think the policy is right, my own instincts are very much to vote for it but we want to vote as a group."

in many political text books this is known as the 'having your cake and eat it' gambit.

vince just have the courage of your convictions - vote for the policy you created.
vince cable - today's tosser.

50k

a while back i mentioned i was going to attempt the national novel writing month challenge of writing a novel of at least 50 thousand words duting the month of november.
like many others on the challenge i hit the 50k mark (with just moments to spare) while not actually finishing the tale.

how good is? i hear you ask.
utter fucking tripe i reply. total pants, if i am being honest - about as good as a liberal democrat promise.

yet i have to say i am pleased with it.
it makes no sense, it was done on the hoof. no planning, just making it up as i went along - so it started out in one genre and ended up being a completely different genre. it is clunky, moments of absolute horrid writing that if i had read it in a book i had bought would have me throwing the book across the room crying in a mix of laughter and despair.

so why am i pleased with it. i had forgotten how much fun it was to write, there are some ideas in it that i might be able to work up into something worthwhile.
for now i think i shall have to bash out a few short stories, just to keep my hand in.

don't worry i'll still be boring you silly on here as well.

obr

of the many things i am not good at: being sensible with money and being competent at maths come very high at the top of the list. which on the face of it means i should have been an irish banker.

today the office of budget responsibility (obr) have announced that there will be fewer public sector jobs lost than they previously forecast.
this is good news.
in fact it is great news.

though it seems to me, on a philosophical level, to call into question the whole point and purpose of organisations such as the obr.

why (or even how can i say such a thing given my earlier admission) do i say this?
the obr last did their forecast in june of this year, already they have changed it. they will more than likely change it in a few months.
the irish banks are suffering - yet just reccently they passed a 'stress' test from the european central bank.
the oecd will say one thing this week and change their minds next week. the imf will say this and then say that.
economic forecasting isn't so much an a science, it is more a dark art.

as robert chote, the chairman of the obr says: "there is considerable uncertainty around any economic forecasts".

don't know about you, but that fills me with confidence.

protest

there are times when you just have to stand up and be counted.
there are times when you have to make your voice heard.
there are times when protest is the only way to make your point.

this is one of those times.
the world is changing and not for the better. it is getting worse and there is little chance that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. the news is full of it, chat shows are full of it: we live in dire times.

what has brought this on?
simply that the powers that be have attacked, yes i say attacked our liberties, our freedoms, the very things that make us proud to be alive.

yes ofcom have struck against the media company bang channels limited - creators of such works of art as tease me tv, tease me, tease me 2 and tease me 3. claiming that they had breached rules which protect viewers from offensive and harmful material. according to ofcom there were 60 rule breaches in 18 months. is that all? hardly worth getting your panties in a bunch.

whatever happened to freedom of speech? whatever happened to artistic freedom?

i tell you if they go against babestation (featuring the lovely jada) then there will be a revolution i tell you, a revolution.
me and the girls from babestation - on the barricades. (shep - stop sniggering at the back.) (it could happen.)

(on a slightly serious note ofcom also cite harm to children from watching this sort of material - frankly you have to ask just what are the parents doing?) (shep - i told you to stop sniggering.)

flight

i think the person who said this is a total utter cunt.

"we're going to have a system where the middle classes are discouraged from breeding because it's jolly expensive.

"but for those on benefits, there is every incentive. Well, that's not very sensible."

stand up and take a bow: howard flight.

i guess we shouldn't be surprised that a new tory peer would say such a thing, after all we are getting a good idea just what they think of the poor (pretty much that that are an annoyance but a necessary evil).

of course what it also implies is that the middle classes were only having kids because they were getting state benefits, now that those benefits have been cut they are giving up having children. quite how that makes them different from the benefit class is never explained.
from his comment it seems that it ok to claim benefits if you are middle class, but it is bad to do so if you are actually in need of benefits.
it is logic that befits someone who was a banker (and who at one point held 13 city directorships - c'mon how on earth does anyone get value for money from someone who has more than 13 jobs?).

still give him his due - when it comes to his niece and nephew he is critical of the state expecting students to pay their way in university - dash it all don't they know it really does muck up middle-calss expenses.

as is the way of modern politics lord flight has issued an "unreserved apology" (with the now obligatory 'comments taken out of context' caveat).

so i now give an unreserved apology to lord flight for anything that i deem to have been taken out of context.

pleasure

right now pleasure is enjoying a home made curry (not cooked by me, of course) and watching episodes from the second series of battlestar galactica, which in my humble opinion is the best science fiction tv there has been.

(another short one for richard.)

(oh and for the casual reader here is a "public wank".)

snow

it is supposed to snow this week.
ok i read that in the daily mail, so the chances of it actually happening are very slight.

it is quite cold right now. so right now i am going to eat another curry, it will be spicy and it will lead to some interesting noises later on. it will also be tasty.

oh two signs that the recession is hitting east london.
the local (naughty) massage parlour has closed down.
the local pizza hut restuarant has closed down.
i am pretty sure that the two events are not linked by anything other than the fact there is not as much money around as there used to be.

searched

today this blog was found by using the search 'public wank'.
i am beginning to understand my audience.

shield

the 'star wars' missle defence concept so beloved of the american's has come a step closer. today nato announced the creation of a missle defence shield that will cover all nato members (and maybe russia, if they want).
"it offers a role for all of our allies. it responds to the threats of our times," president obama said.
it will be interesting to see how big a role the allies get when it comes to building it, or will the main role be to pay for it. of course the main role for the european allies is to be the first target in any attack against said missle defence - europe is the united states shield.
threats of our time? guess that means north korea and iran, maybe just maybe pakistan and china. natually enough the missle defence shield will be pretty useless against two very serious threats of our times: cyber attacks and terrorism. the usa might like to launch a missle or two at bin laden, but they don't know where he is and the next time irish republican dissidents decide they are going to threaten the british mainline that missle defence shield is going to be of great use.

european missle defence shield: america's first line of defence.

short

my pal richard has complained my blogs are too long.
so: hello richard.

service

i have fallen in love with the self-service tills in my local sainsbury's. i know i shouldn't use them as i am leading to fewer and fewer staff in the stores.
i had an item that had a sell off price.
scan it once.
nothing.
scan it a second time.
nothing.

ok will have to key in the barcode.
half way through entering the very long code and i am asked if i want to continue. yes!
oh now i have to start keying in the code. again.
two thirds of the way through the very long code and i am asked if i want to continue. yes! you mechanical fucker, yes i do.
oh! back to the start. again.
get the code in. at last! wrong digit sequence. you dirty evil shit sucking piece of metal.
ok. ok. calm down. you can do this. it is just a code (a very very long code) it isn't everest, it isn't rocket science it is just a sodding code (and not even the da vinci one).
calm. breathe. relax. perform.
tap. tap. tippity tap tap. repeat. repeat. repeat.
result.
cheap food.
only took 15 minutes.
sodding hell.

quote

there i was listening to a radio news story about the trapping of anti-matter, chin stroking along as if i understood what was going on.
a professor of physics was doing his best to explain. he mentioned that his class today was very excited by the news. he was asked by the interviewer "how do physics students show their excitement? do they whoop and holler?"

the professor replied: "they smile and look interested."

that explains a lot.

oops

"so called recession"
"never had it so good"
"but these are people who think they have a right for the state to support them."


so says lord young of graffham. lord young is not part of the government, though he is an adviser to david cameron. he is entitled to his opinion, and thanks to the daily telegraph we are all aware of his opinion. guess what a lot of people are not happy with his opinion.
including the conservative party who, it seems, have encouraged lord young to issue a very full apology.

the problem is lord young has pretty much let the cat out of the bag: for a certain type of conservative, they don't care. they have never cared and they will never care.

david cameron is thinking that he might ask the good lord to change his name to lord young of gaffham, and hoping that the next time he opens his mouth he doesn't stick his foot in it.

meanwhile nick clegg has his head in his hands and is sobbing in a dark room.

announcements

two big announcements today - both will bring happiness to the multitudes.
first you have the future wedding of willy and kate.
then you have the beatles on i-tunes.
truly today is fucking wonderful.

this is just what cameron wanted when he announced that the government is about to try to measure happiness. david cameron says that happiness is more than just money, it is things such as the arts, the local community, sports and ..er.. thinking happy thoughts.

"We should be thinking not just what is good for putting money in people's pockets but what is good for putting joy in people's hearts." says david cameron. 


a couple of things come out of this. 
one putting joy in people's heart, is probably seen by cameron and the paternalistic con/dems as being cheap. 
two that if you are a millionaire you probably don't worry about money that much. 
and finally talking about making people happy might be a little easier if you weren't cutting public services, cutting funds to artistic organisations, to educational establishments. 


still a smile doesn't cost, but sometimes it really is all about the economy, stupid!

searched

today this blog was found by the search string 'enema public humiliation'.

i am happy to provide a service.
i am a little hurt though, as they never say thank you.

fat

you are fat because...
two stories that give yet more reasons why people are fat.

on the bbc it is because fat people are better at smelling food. a keen sense of smell impels you to eat even when you are full. yup that works for me. everytime i go into my local newsagent the aroma of twix is overwheliming.
still the solution is cheap and easy: i present the fat peg (expect me soon on dragon's den with this). it is a large pink (for piggy) peg. the business ends will have strong but soft arms that will keep the nostrils closed. breathing will have to be done through the mouth. double fatbusting here - no smell, no desire, mouth needed for breathing no time for chewing. watch the pounds fall off.
of course a few of you are thinking but that will look silly - but no! attach a pair of sunglasses to the pegs and instant fashion accessory! maybe have the peg linked to a jaunty, but dangerously perched baseball cap and wow oh wow fashion statement (you lose weight, but never lose your hat - tres cool).

the mail on the other hand have pointed out that some scientists have found the greediness gene (i am sure they are working with dan brown to turn it into a highly successful novel/movie). just as it says the greediness gene makes us ..er.. greedy. being greedy means we eat more, we eat more we become fat, fatter, fattest.
this is an important breakthrough because by finding the greediness gene they can create drugs to combat it (and not that i am being cynical here, surely with that knowledge certain foods can be adjusted to make us be even more greedy for them - i think twix bars have already been tampered with). it is even more important in the uk because a quarter of all adults are obese, and this is the highest in all of europe.

funny how that greedy gene seems to have ended up in the uk and the usa. just how does that work?

still as i sit here typing this i am happy to know that i am fat, not because of me, but because of things beyond my control.
yay!

(porky pegs will be on sale in the new year, get your orders in now.
terms and conditions will apply, other fat busting gadgets are also available.)