pepsi

normally i am a drinker of diet coke. i consume quite a lot of it, i don’t do it because i am on a diet (though shedding several pound wouldn’t go amiss) , i do it because i enjoy the taste of it. for some odd reason i think diet coke tastes better than regular coke.
recently the coke family has been added to by the arrival of diet lemon coke (lovely) and diet lime coke (mmm very nice) and unsurprisingly i have drunk a lot of both of them.
the other night, while on the way home from a club/gig where i had listened to some laptop music that had me doing a jazz chin stroke in appreciation (delectronica) i happened to pop (geddit!) into my local budgen’s express (it used to be a 7-11) and decided that i wanted a change in drink and headed over to where they keep the pepsi, i picked out a pepsi max from the less than cool fridge (why do they bother to have these fridges there is they are not even going to be cool?) paid and left. it was only when i got home that i noticed that what i had gotten hold of wasn’t a plain old regular pepsi max. no siree it was in fact a pepsi max lemon and lime twist. and let me tell you something it was a darned fine drink.
needless to say i have been back for more, several more in fact.
it reminded me of an article i once read in one of the marketing magazines that banged on about new product development (or npd in the lingo) and how it was very important, but also very difficult, for mature brands such as coke or pepsi to keep reinventing themselves not only as a brand image but also as a product (or brand extension – think kitkat cubes, or king-size twix (yummy) and you will know what i mean). the article went on and on about how much thought and consideration has to go into these things (think new coke and see how it can come a cropper… mmm should we think of the labour party before tony blair as classic labour ?) that development can take years. now i can see that with new cars or ovens or hoovers but fizzy drinks? come on how hard can it be?
apparently very. which might explain why there is only a limited range of new coke flavours on the market (lemon, lime, vanilla, cheery and for awhile there was a blueberry one). it got me to thinking what other flavours could you have? banana, orange, grape or peach ? peanut or maybe raisin ? perhaps go really healthy and add vegetable to mix diet cauliflower coke? mushy peas or sprouts? cabbage coke (mm not strike that too much foul gas coming off of that one to make it popular…) and then of course there is the perfect match of diet coke flavouring in such things as doughnuts, éclairs and cream cakes.
i am sure there are lots of other great tastes out there that can be merged with the tasted of coke and pepsi.
i do recommend the pepsi lemon and lime drink though. it’s very very tasty.

pepsi
coke

sneeze

had my first attack of the hay fever last night. ugh.
expect me to be even more miserable and irritable then i have been.
yeah i know some of you might think that is a state of affairs that is not possible: trust me it is.

oh the joys of summer - hate it as much as i hate christmas.

live8

oh how i hate this.
there is the music lover in me (yes i know i have just written about prog - but it is great stuff) who just looks at the line ups for the live8 events and goes ho hum, dull, dull, dull, dull and at best very best just plain old boring.
yes i realise that in many ways it is not about the music – it is about raising the issue and making everyone aware of it.
yes i realise that the performers who are giving their time and effort for the event deserve praise (well maybe not coldplay).

but already the posing and the posturing is growing to a level that will overshadow any good that comes from it.
unlike live aid this is not about raising money, this is about awareness and getting the g8 countries to help africa out of the terrible state it is in. this can be achieved by debt relief, fair and equal trade policies etc. in order to do it geldof and team want to show the leaders of the g8 that the people in the developed world are concerned about the situation in africa and want to see something done about it.
for some the fact this is coming from the developed countries of the west is seeing as being a replay of colonialism, and for some in this camp the live8 event is addressing the right issues of empowering africans to make the changes they need, but instead it is just another patronising pat on the head of africa.
for others it is just going to be a fashion accessory like the coloured bands they wear, feeling good that they have done a little for a cause, but not quite knowing what it is they have supported. there will that ironic moment when ebay will have tickets being offered for sale at over the odds prices, and naturally the good souls who are selling them there will give the profits to the make poverty history campaign (yeah right !)
for others (maybe the daily mail and such) live8 is potentially seen as being a jolly nice way of criticising the g8 without being anti-globalisation or anti-capitalist.

meanwhile you have bob geldof, bono and midge ure (who? remember him used to be in ultravox and was one of the key members of live aid, except that bob geldof seems to have become the only person associated with it, so poor old midge gets to speak only when the others are too busy or it’s to deal with the local press….) are beginning to shout out their sideshow patter to get people excited about the event, to get people involved in it.

midge has been speaking about the “million” march on edinburgh. the g8 is meeting there and bob and co want a million people to march to it and protest.
of course everyone is asking for the protests to be peaceful. the local police and local council have said mmm a million people might be hard to do, there might be problems, lets think this through properly.
to help accommodate the people descending on edinburgh (coming by foot, car, bus, boat, plane and train!) midge has “ urged every householder and religious institution in edinburgh to offer hospitality to the protesters.
"we want every church, chapel, synagogue and mosque to open their doors and let them in," “ (bbc)
the only question i have is are you opening up your pad to let these people in? well are you midge?
yeah i know i am being cynical – i hope it is a success, i hope it does make a difference. already i am praying that ronnine james dio isn’t looking to do a heavy metal version of this one……

either way i shan't be listening to it - the line up sucks.

prog

for various reasons i am revisiting my prog rock collection. listening to old favourites (yes, elp, king crimson, styx, kansas, genesis, the nice etc etc) and discovering new bands of the prog pantheon.
when you mention prog in polite society you can almost hear the brain of the other person seize up, you can see their eyes glaze over and their silent prayer that the ground opens up and swallows them. it's at moments like these i realise two things:
1] that people who don't like prog are probably fans of crazy frog.
2] that prog is like faith you either understand it or you don't.

for those of you who want to know more about the wonders of prog go here.

time for me to go and listen to a long wig out between guitars, keyboards and epic vocals.

viagra2

so now it makes you blind!
i thought it was only the five knuckle shuffle that did that.
apparently there have been 50 cases reported of degrees of blindness occurring from the uses of viagra. when you consider 20 million people have used it that doesn't seem too bad.
a spokesman is made reference to the fact that they are looking into updating ".. our language to reflect these rare ocular events that have occurred."
rare ocular events - have to love that.

but there is still one vital question that needs to be answered and one thing that viagra needs to be tested for: does it put hair on your palms?

non

well the french have voted no to the european constitution (or as some are saying that it was no more than a cleaning up exercise bringing into line all the previous treaties).
i am, i confess, a bit of a eurosceptic. i admit that part of my reasoning is a touch of xenophobia, however there is also a feeling that the project will not work as intended, that there are too many cultural differences and too many national interests in competition for it to work smoothly for any length of time. i also fear that it will make people even more apathetic about politics as the decision making process becomes even more remote.
all that said, unlike maggie, i am still for turning if the argument is right.
oddly the arguments that are swaying me are from the anti-europeans, but they are making me pro europe.
if i hear another lorry driver whinge about the fact that 1] he is getting paid less because he can now only work 48 hours i will hunt him down and bitch slap him. frankly i do not want people who are tired at the wheel of those things (some of the drivers talk about working 100 hour weeks – given there are only 168 hours in a week i think we can all see there is a problem there). or 2] east europeans are doing the job cheaper – which isn’t necessarily the fault of the eu, it’s more to do with the fact his employer is happier to pay less to those who will take it.
if i hear another member of the cbi go on about how the eu threatens gb plc (and i fucking hate that…) but when asked to explain in which ways can only go “in lots of ways…” sadly they are never told “give examples or shut up.” (what the cbi doesn’t want to have to say is that they want the freedom to exploit workers – have them working longer hours, and for less money and rights, so given a chance they would happily ditch jolly english lorry driver for johnny foreigner driver in less time than it would take to change gears.)
then there are the conservative slime who do not bother to listen to other people’s point of view preferring to speak across them and over them, sneering at their comments, but then fly into a hissy fit of epic proportion the moment anyone tries to interrupt their flow with a comment.
its people like that who make me think maybe the eu isn’t such a bad thing after all.

priests

my parents were confused as to what they wanted me to be when i grew up. my dad, ever the practical one, thought i should enter the pub and club game. be a publican just like he was. it was all about the gift of the gab he would say (something that both my parents had in abundance), it was all about being friendly to the customer, and it was all about having a good time. my dad painted a great picture of being in the booze trade. to be sure both mum and dad seemingly enjoyed their time in the trade.
in his years of being in the game my dad met some interesting people the krays (who visited his pub in the east end – i am sure it wasn’t for a chitchat more for the protection money, but they visited it) then there was frank sinatra (oops i can see a gangster theme growing here … so lets move on), the bishop of london and even for one brief moment deep purple came to drink in one of his pubs (my mum made them sandwiches and i got to see them rehearse).
the downside? the hours – long and hard, the customers – mainly drunk and boring and of course the killer: it made you an alcoholic (i am sure it has changed since then but at the time everyone i knew who worked in a pub had a drink problem). both my parents could drink and drink and drink, both my parents denied they had a problem.
so as much as the pub game may have been attractive i just knew it was not for me. i had seen what it had done to my parents.

my mum she had her heart set on my becoming a priest. i suppose it is the dream of every catholic mum – to see her boy standing there giving mass. now what was odd about this was my mum was from a large irish family who when they got together would tell stories of the brutal punishments they received at the hands of priests and nuns while they were at school. (the worst the nuns ever did to me was making me eat my greens or i would have no pudding and make me stand in the corner when i arsed about playing ring-a-ring-a-roses…so no tearful chartbusting biography from me then, i suppose i could make it all up though.)

while they would never say it to me i think both of them were slightly disappointed in me when at first i wanted to be a copper (i couldn’t be because i was colour blind) and then i went off to polytechnic to get a degree. from the moment i went into academia they thought i was lost.

so what you say, what is this all about?
this is what it’s about priests and beermats. the catholic church is seeing the number of priests it has declined; this is especially true in london, so in the way of any great organisation it is going to launch a recruitment campaign. the campaign will appear on billboards, in london underground stations and on beermats.
yes you read that right beermats.
now trust me on this i have met a few priests in my time and while i can’t swear that they all like the choir boys i do know that they liked to drink a few drinks of the strong stuff. and to be fair who can blame them as boring as most of your regular customers are going to be in a pub they are going to be even worse in a church – at least as a publican you are not trying to save their immortal soul.
the last priests i met where to do with my mum. firstly there was the irish priest in the hospital she was in for tests on her heart. she was very nervous (as was i) and this grand old fellah of a priest came round to set everyone’s minds at rest. well if his breath was not a give away then his nose sure was – it would not have looked out of place on rudolph. all my mum could think of was could she have some of what he was having…
the next priest i was a few weeks later and he was saying mass at my mum’s funeral and frankly he looked like he could have done with a drink or three himself. he seemed to have tremendous trouble with the service. his discomfort at the whole thing made it a little easier for me to get through it without breaking down. frankly if he had asked me to join him in a glass of the hard stuff i would have joined him.
so perhaps i can at last please both my parents by joining the priesthood but doing so via a link with the brewing industry.

4000

blimey i had only just gotten to 3000 hits and now all of a sudden i have reached 4000.
i know it is a shallow thing to admit to - but it has made me a little bundle of happiness.
(ok just mildly happy, and i won't let it affect my daily diet of being the most miserable man in the world... i have yet to actually crowned to that position but i am working at it).

lightsabre

i still remember walking down regents street the night i first saw star wars. i was with my mate monty, he was uttering his, soon to be immortal, catch phrase “brainblast”, i was quoting lines from the film and we were both wielding the movie posters we bought as if they were lightsabres.
a large chunk of the following years was spent making the noises of the lightsabre flaring into life and then humming.
ewan mcgregor tells a tale of how george lucas insisted that no one on set mimicked the sounds of the lightsabre (and so proving that he might have made the most popular movie series in history but he missed out on the fun of it!)
in short the lightsabre has become iconic. well not that it would have been hard for that to happen when you consider the fascination for swords that kids have.
but i suspect that kids would have more sense than these potential winners of the darwin award
imagine the scene if you will. three people go into the woodlands, one has a video camera the other two want to re-enact scenes from one of their favourite movies. perhaps this film will be the break they need, perhaps it will get them noticed and have them planting their first steps on the road to stardom?
they are going to film a mock duel and because. it is going to be based on star wars they are using fluorescent light tubes!!
say what!! yeah you read that right fluorescent light tubes – you know fragile glass tubes that are used to light rooms.
ok so swinging one of those things around is going to be a bit dangerous – you know they hit each other, they smash and shatter. ouch ouch and big ouch.
but hold on a minute – we’re making a movie here – so just swinging glass tubes isn’t going to cut it we want them to be like lightsabres.
no electricity in the woodlands. what’s a filmmaker to do?
solution?
you fill the fluorescent light tubes with petrol.
pardon – you heard - you fill the fluorescent light tubes with petrol. and that is how you make a lightsabre.
er... actually it’s how you end up in hospital because (and this should come as no surprise) as one of the tubes exploded. a 17 year old woman and 20 year old man are now currently in a specialist burns unit. meanwhile their movie making friend is helping the police.

those of you who have followed the myth of star wars will know that anakin is burnt horribly before he eventually becomes darth vader. so is this a case of life following art? or just stupid people doing stupid things and suffering the consequences?
you decide.

a pat public warning – if you want to have a lightsabre duel buy one of the hasbro toy versions, trying to make anything with fluorescent light tubes if you are not dan flavin is not cool and is going to end up with someone crying.

geek2

the return to work meant just one thing: talking about star wars revenge of the sith. the conversation ranged over the links between this and the previous films, the subtle use of camera angles, the meaningful story and how elements shown in previous movies come to fruition in this one, of how this one neatly led into the classic star wars: new hope movie. we discussed, dissected and debated the merits of the film, we pondered and thought and in the end we declared it good.
well except for one person who said (and i kid you not) “i think i enjoyed it”. nothing like sitting on the fence is there?

anyway this is just to say that is good to be a geek.

now bring on batman begins and you will see me in full geek flow.

parenthood

there are some days when i realise that i am turning into my dad. in most circumstances this would not be a bad thing – my dad was a fine man, a hard worker who provided the best he could for his family. sure he was an alcoholic, sure he could tell porky pies the size of canary wharf and sure he never got my age right. worst of all my dad was a supporter of the tory party and a reader of the daily express (back when it was a real newspaper), the daily mail and for good measure the news of the world. oh the shame of it.
you can pretty much guess there wasn’t a lot we agreed on politically.
and like all good sons i swore never to be like my parents.
when i had my moment of parenthood (basically for several years i dated, lived with and loved a single mother and part of that meant i looked after her child). i tried my best to be a good “dad” in many ways i succeeded (if only because he became a fan of rock music, sf and comics), along the way i learnt that being a parent isn’t as easy as my mum and dad made it look, and i also had my first “oh no i am turning into my dad” moments (another one was when i was watching tv many years ago and on came sarah brightman and not only did i think mmm she has a good voice, but i found myself thinking mmm she’s attractive… and for those few moments i was my dad!)

so where is this going? you ask. well partly it is to say that my short time in the trenches of parenthood showed me that bring up a child was a heavy responsibility and not something to be done lightly. while lots of people talk about the rights of adults to have children i find myself wanting to shout its night a right it’s a privilege and not one that should be granted lightly. (hell you have to have a license to drive – but all you need to do to have a child is get hot and sweaty for a few minutes…)

what has brought on this near reactionary rant (ok it is a reactionary rant that may as well be a letter to the daily mail from “angry of east london”)?
well it is the following tale of three sisters. three sisters who all became mums within months of each other. ah such a nice heart warming tale – except the mums are 12, 14 and 16. jemma 12 (now 14) was the first to become pregnant, followed by jade (then 14 now 15) and natasha (then 16 – now 18).
their mum, julie (38) was shocked to discover that her 12 year old was pregnant, she found out 7 months in “i only found out when i took her to buy a new bra and as she was being measured i saw her huge bump.” julie doesn’t see this as a failing on her part of being a parent, nope not her fault, of course it is the state’s fault that all three of her underage daughters have gotten pregnant and given birth. "i don't care what people say about me. i blame the schools, sex education for young girls should be better." (daily mail) it is nice to know that she is providing a positive role model to her 3 daughters.
(one of my friends did comment that sometimes that parents can’t be aware of what their children are up to 24 hours of everyday, and the mum shouldn’t be totally vilified. have to say i am not sure i share his liberal views on this – once would be bad enough but for all three to have gotten pregnant….. )

anyway jemma is upset because the dad has had no dealings with her or his child, which she has christened t-jay (poor little blighter doubly cursed, he’s got a mum who thinks giving him a name that sounds like a brand of trainers is cool….) , meanwhile natasha has named her daughter amine (at first it appeared she couldn’t spell armani, but the dad is asian so i am hoping the name is of asian origin) oh by the way natasha’s lover is 38 (and according to the sun (and we all trust the sun don’t we?) natasha has had two miscarriages and an abortion).
jade has named her daughter lita.

the upside of the story is that the kids (all 6 of them) shouldn’t need for anything as they are receiving benefits of around £600 a week between them.
and i am hoping that the “sensational” nature of the reporting precludes an account of how social services are trying to help steer 3 very young women through this difficult situation, after all that can’t expect too much support from their mum who seems happy to blame the schools for not teaching her daughters not to have 1] underage sex 2] not to have unprotected sex if you are going to have it. i mean it’s not like julie didn’t have a chance to point out to natasha after the first miscarriage “look luv take the pill or just say no….”
still i bet julie had a helping hand making sure her grandson got a name he could be proud of. ah if only johnny cash was around today he would be singing “a boy named t-jay” and i tell you something it works just as well.

and i am becoming more like my dad everyday...

viagra

my friend emma has posted in her blog about the odd law in the usa that has been used on some rare occasions to prosecute couples who are cohabitating. and it really is one of those “only in america” type stories.
so imagine my surprise when i saw this story on the bbc website. the usa federal government is under pressure to stop giving level 3 criminals viagra for free. level 3 criminals are likely to have committed crimes such as rape and child abuse, and are also seen as being a high risk of re-offending.
under medicaid states are obliged to include viagra where medically necessary. a spokesman said this was not about money but "… that it's inappropriate for sex offenders to be getting drugs that stimulate sexual performance." and i gotta say i am with him on that..
you may as well start prescribing booze to alcoholics for all the sense that giving viagra to sex offenders makes.
no doubt the same sort of thing is going on in the uk, but for the moment we can file this one in the “only in america” section.

laugh

some bits and pieces really - things that have caught my eye and sort of made me smile.

trafalgar - the 200th anniversary of the battle of trafalgar is soon upon us. and we are going to be celebrating it, but not in a way that is "french bashing" or for that matter in a way that is historically accurate.
the organisers have said there will be no "sides" in the celebration/ recreation instead there will be a blue team and a red team, rather than an english fleet versus french and spanish fleet.
additionally the sunday times reports that the official literature of the celebration is referring to “an early 19th-century sea battle”, as opposed to the battle of trafalgar.
the mock battle that will involve tall ships, fireworks and music is "... not a historical re-enactment. it is a piece of theatre, and not supposed to be historically accurate." (ministry of defence).
perhaps if we actually took pride in these sorts of historical events and treated them with respect rather than hid them shyly behind a pc veneer and a fear of upsetting others there would be less chance of the far right being able to steal the union jack for their own use. perhaps if we were proud to be english we would not be so sheepish about entering europe.

hoodies
bluewater shopping centre has banned hoodies, and people attending the place to shop have shot up by over 20% in the week the ban started. ok i am not someone who shops at bluewater, and i have nothing to say in defence of kids/youths who wear hoodies, but i am surprised at the results of the ban. firstly because who would have thought that there that many more people who wanted to go to bluewater (or were "scared" to go because of some sort of tribal fashion), also i am shocked at the speed that the ban worked - i only heard about it after it had come into affect but obviously there are some keen bluewater wannabe shoppers out there who were just waiting for the ban to come in so that they could rush out to bluewater to spend their cash.
(admittedly hoodies were only part of the ban which was all about anti-social behaviour as it also bans smoking, leafleting, and canvassing)
meanwhile a school has made the hoodie part of its uniform. although the hoodie can only be put up when it is raining (which to me makes it a pointless part of the uniform - but then if i had my way i would also ban people wearing sunglasses on the top of their heads (why?) and people who go around showing their arses off because they think it is trendy to wear jeans very low slung). the headmaster makes two interesting points 1] behaviour is the problem not the clothes (though perhaps this misses the point of the tribal wear - kids want to be part of a group/gang and will dress the part and peer pressure leads to potential bad behaviour - hey what do i know am i an expert?) secondly he says by making them part of the school uniform it reduces the coolness of them.
the independent, of course, rushed to the defence of youths wearing hoodies. the indie, bless it, is fast becoming the newspaper equivalent of the swp in that wherever it sees something that might be a cause it is quick to rush in to get involved.
i am expecting the first hoodie human rights trial any day soon.

goats
the locals are up in arms about the wild goats of lynton. the 80 or so wild goats have taken to wandering off of the wilds and coming into town to dine on residents flowers and such like. the residents are taking this invasion badly and are looking to have a cull of the goats. some goats have already "disappeared", perhaps to be turned into curry. the idea of a cull seems to have caused a division in the area with some residents receiving death threats.
one of the most outspoken opponents of the goats is derek bishop who is not only upset about the fact that his wife garden has become the goats version of a macdonald’s drive-in restaurant, but he has also seen his local cricket club attacked by the goats as they rut on the outfield and have defecate in front of the pavilion (have those goats no shame - it's just not cricket old boy!) bishop points out that the cricket ground twice nearly won the wisden award for the prettiest in england. (well derek take heart the editors of wisden may not have liked it the goats surely do!)
i expect the goats to take their case to the european court of goat rights any day soon.

chainsaws
picture the scene, if you will, you are up a tree using a chainsaw to cut some branches. the ladder you are using is being held by someone. meanwhile in the garden there is a dog playing about. you can almost sense the monty pythonesque danger about the scene. guess what you wouldn't be wrong.
one poor husband is now without his wife due to the fact that the ladder she was holding got banged, he fell, and the chainsaw fell only for it to catch the wife on the way down. it appears that the dog jumped up at the wife in playful abandon and started the tragic chain of events. of his wife he said "she was very special, she worked very hard and was very good at her job."
i just have to wonder what on earth was someone doing up a ladder that needed to be held steady with a chainsaw in the first place? and to let the dog play around at the same time.

additionally the sunday times reports that the official literature of the celebration is referring to an “an early 19th-century sea battle”.
the mock battle that will involve tall ships, fireworks and music is "... not a historical re-enactment. it is a piece of theatre, and not supposed to be historically accurate." (ministry of defence).
perhaps if we actually took pride in these sorts of historical events and treated them with respect rather than hid them shyly behind a pc veneer and a fear of upsetting others there would be less chance of the far right being able to steal the union jack for their own use. perhaps if we were proud to be english we would not be so sheepish about entering europe.

hoodies
bluewater shopping centre has banned hoodies, and people attending the place to shop have shot up by over 20% in the week the ban started. ok i am not someone who shops at bluewater, and i have nothing to say in defence of kids/youths who wear hoodies, but i am surprised at the results of the ban. firstly because who would have thought that there that many more people who wanted to go to bluewater (or were "scared" to go because of some sort of tribal fashion), also i am shocked at the speed that the ban worked - i only heard about it after it had come into affect but obviously there are some keen bluewater wannabe shoppers out there who were just waiting for the ban to come in so that they could rush out to bluewater to spend their cash.
(admittedly hoodies were only part of the ban which was all about anti-social behaviour as it also bans smoking, leafleting, and canvassing)
meanwhile a school has made the hoodie part of its uniform. although the hoodie can only be put up when it is raining (which to me makes it a pointless part of the uniform - but then if i had my way i would also ban people wearing sunglasses on the top of their heads (why?) and people who go around showing their arses off because they think it is trendy to wear jeans very low slung). the headmaster makes two interesting points 1] behaviour is the problem not the clothes (though perhaps this misses the point of the tribal wear - kids want to be part of a group/gang and will dress the part and peer pressure leads to potential bad behaviour - hey what do i know am i an expert?) secondly he says by making them part of the school uniform it reduces the coolness of them.
the independent, of course, rushed to the defence of youths wearing hoodies. the indie bless it is fast becoming the newspaper equivalent of the swp in that wherever it sees something that might be a cause it is quick to rush in to get involved.
i am expecting the first hoodie human rights trial any day soon.

goats
the locals are up in arms about the wild goats of lynton. the 80 or so wild goats have taken to wandering off of the wilds and coming into town to dine on residents flowers and such like. the residents are taking this invasion badly and are looking to have a cull of the goats. some goats have already "disappeared", perhaps to be turned into curry. the idea of a cull seems to have caused a division in the area with some residents receiving death threats.
one of the most outspoken opponents of the goats is derek bishop who is not only upset about the fact that his wife garden has become the goats version of a macdonald’s drive-in restaurant, but he has also seen his local cricket club attacked by the goats as they rut on the outfield and have defecate in front of the pavilion (have those goats no shame - it's just not cricket old boy!) bishop points out that the cricket ground twice nearly won the widen award for the prettiest in england. (well derek take heart the editors of widen may not have liked it the goats surely do!)
i expect the goats to take their case to the european court of goat rights any day soon.

chainsaws
picture the scene, if you will, you are up a tree using a chainsaw to cut some branches. the ladder you are using is being held by someone. meanwhile in the garden there is a dog playing about. you can almost sense the monty pythonesque danger about the scene. guess what you wouldn't be wrong.
one poor husband is now without his wife due to the fact that the ladder she was holding got banged, he fell, and the chainsaw fell only for it to catch the wife on the way down. it appears that the dog jumped up at the wife in playful abandon and started the tragic chain of events. of his wife he said "she was very special, she worked very hard and was very good at her job."
i just have to wonder what on earth was someone doing up a ladder that needed to be held steady with a chainsaw in the first place? and to let the dog play around at the same time what is (to quote the hurricane) up with that?

so these things have made me smile in wry ironic ways.

pants

there are a lot of things that you could say about the sun newspaper (and most of them would not be pleasant), but every now and then you have to admire them for their sheer front.
the other day they printed pictures of saddam in his mighty whites washing out his socks. the headline was "tyrant's in his pants".
there was, rightly, an uprorar over this.
if only because we want to be seen to be better than all the other tyrants around the place.... ooops little late after the abu graibh and camp x situations, but better late than never eh!)

anyway so today's (saturday 21st may) headline is "bush probes saddam's pants: president vows to get to the bottom of it!". it's all you want in a headline really - it tells you the news and has a smutty pun or two in it. plus it lets you know that the sun really doesn't care what anyone thinks of them.

the sun reports bush as saying that the pictures will not lead to attacks as pictures do not push people to murder but backward barbaric ideology does. later on the picture is described as giving a blow to the morale of the resistance as it shows them how saddam is now.
so on the one hand the picture will do nothing.
on the other hand it will do lots.
i like that sort of logic.
(while many would argue that the resistance fighters/ insurgents/ rebels call them what you will are fighting to get rid of the occupancy and not to free saddam!)

best of all the sun leader has a pop at both the bbc and guardian.
the beeb have raised questions about the rights of showing the pictures, to which the sun says:
"only someone recruited via a job advert in the guardian could have such a partial and polluted view of life."

i guess all that guff about us being better than saddam, about us bring justice, about us bringing values to the middle east don't mean that much to the sun.

3000

ooh i have just broken the 3000 hits mark.
ok so most of those hits have been me coming on here and posting, but it's nice to see the counter going up.
is my life so sad that this pleases me?
oh yes it is....

geeks

some of what is wrong with the world can be summed up in this one quote from Sara Freeman, 19, dressed in a brown Jedi costume in Chicago, added: "I didn't expect to see as many girls as I did. There's not usually as many geek girls as geek boys."
how true that young woman is.
many of us male geeks (and i count myself amongst the geek fraternity - yes i know some of you out there think you are above it, but.... yes i am looking at you kenny and you paul....) can spend hours talking about our favourite "subject" superman, batman, star wars, star trek, 24, prog rock. we can wax lyrical; we can make cogent arguments, construct detailed analysis of the latest occurrence in our field linking it all in with the latest in cultural theory and pointing out the juxtaposition between the contrasting elements. But we generally do it with fellow male geeks.
Because it is such a male dominated thing when we are confronted with women we can sometimes get a little too intense or too tongue tied (actually this could just be me…)
So what we geeks need is more female geeks.

Come on girls adopt a geek today.

Failing that I am off to see star wars again!

yoda

well i walked out of the genesis cinema at 3am this morning and i was a happy bunny.
it was wookietastic.
it had all you wanted in itlightsaber duels (look at yoda kick butt), it had big spacecraft, explosions, wookies, more explosions, betrayal, hope, action.
and when the luke and leia themes played ah the fanboy in me smiled and yelped with joy.
there were some things wrong with it and some things i just want more of. the thing i missed the most was being in the cinema with my pal adam and just recreating those great days of teenhood where the only thing you (well i) worried about was zits and helen jones (no longer worry about the zits but there is always a lady or two on my mind).

to those of you who are not star wars fans (that would be you emma and you paul) the attraction of it is hard to explain as you either get it or you don't. but i have been a fan of the movies since i saw the first one. i am not an obsessive about them (honest) i just enjoy the cinematic experience. there was a time when i could have gone all jedi on people - but have you seen the amount of books and stuff devoted to it... no way jose. 6 films to enjoy is enough.
well actually thats not true - lets get that pettition started for the last 3 films to be made.

oh geeky saddnes your name is pat.....

respect

seems like tony has learnt at least one lesson - if you want to win change the name of the game to something that people will like. so we have "respect" bliar is going to build a "culture of respect" in his remaining months in power.
given the attitude towards politician's this is a good idea - but oh look at that here they go with the id card thing again - even though everyone told them that no one wanted them and no one could see the benefit of them. well so much for respecting other people's views.
off to a good start there then!
or perhaps this is "respect" ala galloway when really all it means is that we are using this word so you don't think of that other stuff.

it looks like the next couple of years tony is going to be focused on the domestic agenda. so we will have laws to ban smoking in public places, to tackle hospital-acquired infections (mmm not sure how you can legislate against catching a bug, surely that is just a case of providing the nhs with the tools and resources to keep the hopistal clean ? or does that interfer with the sacred cow of the pfi? then there will be laws to boost school standards (you can already see it - try to tell the teacher your dog ate your homework and you get 10 months solitary...)
but it's ok they are planning to be tough on street crime, asylum and immigration. so that should play well in papers such as the daily mail and the sun.
you know that when the conservatives are planning to back new labour on most of their bills there is something wrong....
can onmly be a matter of time before that have gorgeous george back in.

giddy

been a bad day at work - but do you know what got me through it?
well first off there was the lingering pleasure of having watch two episodes from 24 day 4 - easily the best programme on tv that is not a steve bochco production (rip nypd blue..... boo hoo). then there was the arrival of the latest release in the marvel essential's line: the defenders. how i am looking forward to sitting on the enjoying one of nature's free pleasures and combining that with reading some great marvel comics. bliss i tell you - bliss.
but i suppose the think that is keeping me going most of all is the time 12.31am thursday morning when i will sit down and watch star wars revenge of the sith at my local cinema. i know it is not cool to admit it but i have enjoyed the previous two prequels and i fully expect to be wowed, thrilled and generally excited by the 6th and final star wars movie.
i just know it will be a (dare i say it) "brainblast!"

weekend

spent this weekend being a bit of a fanboy geek.
ok i am in the lucky position that i can say this is all part of my job, but secretly i love it.
i fell in love with a young lady (sadly she is young enough to be my daughter...) she was sexy in a punk way (dreads, tats and piercing...) she talked dirty and was enthusiastic about comics! i wanted to marry her there and then. to be honest sex would never have had to come into the relationship we could have just discussed the merits of hulk vs. thing. for a fanboy it's as close to heaven as we can get....
one of the interesting aspects of the event in bristol was the number of women at the event, who were there as fans or creators. it was a wonderful thing to behold and not only because there are times when i am a dirty old man....
i remember back when one of my friends was being made the manager of a large comic retail store and the flack she got just because she was a girl. it appears that the once male dominated world of collecting is now being invaded by women.
what has brought this about? has it been the success of goth corners in stores or the influx of manga? discuss.

had to rush (well i use that term very loosely because i was on a train - so there was always going to be a delay, this was compounded by the closure for "essential" work on the hammersmith and city line...) back to get over to the excel centre for the london expo - didn't manage to see much there as i got there very close to end of the show. luckily i saw some of the stars of the frontier wrestling alliance (who never seem to wrestle in or near london boo hoo) in action. managed also to get some photos of matt hardy and rob van dam (who is a big comic fan - was tempted to ask him if he was a giggly and giddy as i was about the arrival of the essential defenders trade ... but thought better of it....)
the london show was a mix of various genres so there were stars from current tv shows, movie stars of old, wrestlers, manga fans, gaming fans and more. because of this mix of likes it was not so surprising to see a good mix of sexes and ages. but never fear there were sufficient numbers of lovely goth or manga style clad girls to keep me happy.

aside from the photos of matt and rvd i got nothing this weekend. does it mean i have my collector mania under control? or does it mean i have all i want? or am i just waiting for something else to collect....

speechless

there are times when life really sucks (ooh i sound like a angst ridden sixth former there - still if trent reznor and tracey emin can make a fortune out of teenage self pity, then i can throw a "suck" or two into my own blog) you know the drill work might be getting you down, social life isn't really very social, never getting a number on the lottery, sharron stone never returning your calls - you know the usual gripes.... and then the realisation that sometimes someone else just has it worse than you.
take for instance the italian man who has had his marriage annulled and is now having to pay damages because he is impotent and can't do the business for his new missus. he is apparently guilty of abusing her "right to sexuality", (the italian constitution apparently has a section on sexuality in it - only in italy.....)
so not only has this poor chap become the laughing stock because he has no lead in his pencil and this has been made public, he now has to pay for the fact that his missus couldn't have children by him.
she claims that by not telling her of his problem beforehand was "contrary to the principles of loyalty, fairness and good faith". this is why she can get money out of him.
the amount of damages has yet to be decided - but one hopes it includes the figure 69 somewhere in it.

i have to wonder does this then extend in the other direction can men take their wives to court for not providing enough sex (or for demanding too much sex?) who decides just what is or isn't enough, is it a question of quality or quantity. can you do your duty via a quick fumble that leaves a wet spot but doesn't satisfy or do you have to make her scream like angelina jolie (way to go brad) for it to count.

no wonder the italians voted a porn star into government with such laws to keep them in philosophical mass debate (look you knew i was going to do that joke, i knew you knew i was going to do it - so i couldn't let you down - ok!)

so in this case the missus gets off to marry someone else and gets a wad of cash as well.
nice work if you can get it.

galloway2

i don't like him, i don't think he is going to be good for the people of tower hamlets, i think he is going to cause my trouble in the area as the people who elected him realise he is a fraud, but whatever i think galloway was elected by the people to be their mp.
jeremy paxman laid into him (in the way only jezza can) with the question did he feel proud to have unseated one of the few black women in parliament.
galloway was less than happy with this line of questioning, i suspect not because of the content of the attack and question but more to do with the fact his ego was bruised by not being congratulated by paxman.
but have to i have seen a number of commentators point out that oona king was female, was black and was half jewish as if these personal attributes made her the ideal candidate. (and the corollary of what is being said is that galloway was male, white and atheist and therefore does not fit the pc criteria for holding office).
king was caught out because she was a supporter of the war and of blair, neither of these things were bad per se - but if you are not going to vigorously defend your position and not work hard to get your message out you are going to lose. bottom line was that i saw and heard galloway and respect doing the rounds. i saw nothing of oona king, and now we are stuck with galloway.

howard

sometimes life proves that there is indeed a silver lining to those grey clouds. just as i was trying to get over galloway i am confronted with the news that howard is about to quit as leader of the conservative party. to be fair i doubt anyone is shocked that this is happening, but i have to say it does strike me as being a tad rash and must have had gordon brown rubbing his hands with glee.
why pat why? i hear you cry.
the resignation of the conservative leader is something like a seasonal bloodsport, a defeat and lets get rid of him. sure howard is making the right noises that he is going to be too old to contest the next election, but to step down now seems to be folly.
tell us why pat – stop teasing!
well firstly howard hasn’t done too bad a job making the conservatives look delectable, he seems to have unified the party – sure it was for the simple goal of stopping tony blair, but they were unified. isn’t that enough for him to have done? with his stepping down you can see all the old splits, rivalries and fighting getting ready to boil over again. now more than ever the tories need to decide exactly what it is to be a conservative – to have a vision of a tory england that they can believe in and sell to the country – it’s not going to be easy to get that kind of vision out of them while they are in the midst of a leadership campaign. secondly there appears to be no obvious successor – so they would have been better off to have howard stay in place for a year or so, have the big discussion over what being a tory is about and in the midst of that debate you would hope a leader would come forward.
if that was not enough tony blair is perceived by many to be a big of a lame duck right now – so while they could be scoring some serious points over him and new labour they are going to spend the next few months worrying about is it going to be dr. fox or ollie letwin.
all in all it’s an own goal i am afraid.
tony breathes a sigh of relief as he can slap howard around in prime ministers question time, while gordon brown must be cheering as he contemplates leading new labour to a 4th and then to a 5th term of government. because unless the tories get down on bended knee and beg portillo to come back they are not getting close to be elected next time out and you know what that means? a new tory leader in 5 years time (if not sooner).
if it didn’t go against my class i would nominate myself as tory leader, hell i couldn’t screw them up anymore than ids or hague did.

toilets

it's a late night at work (i hate them, but sometimes you just have to sit here and do the work... not like someone else is going to do it for you....)
the diet of coffee and chocolate i have been on today (i am sure i have had some real food during the day but majority of what i have consumed has been calorie or caffeine rich) has meant a trip to the bogs for a very large number 2, would say it was a number 2 squared but i have no idea if you can do that in logs (boom boom - ah basil brush where are you now!)

any after depositing my load i do the reach for the toilet paper thing (subconsciously i have already checked that there is paper in the bog dispenser) but without fail i discover one of two things about the toilet dispenser.
1] it is either filled to the brim so that the drum of paper will not rotate in the dispenser so you have to claw at the paper to get any out. a design fault of magnificent proportions.
2] even when the drum of paper rotates freely some arcane mystical force seems to keep the paper attached at each end so you can't find a loose bit to pull on. once again leaving you to claw at the paper to allow you to wipe your arse.
why they don't make the drum of paper a little bit smaller than the dispenser so it rotates freely is beyond me, and why the paper can't just hang free rather than be of a virtual velcro style is beyond me....

about a month ago i was attending an electrnica club sprawl and had to use the bog in the rather plush meet bar the event was taking place. and like the club itself the toilet was swanky except the fact that one it was a thin and long toilet - so you could run the risk of being trapped in there, secondly if you were perchance to want to do a number 2 the toilet roll (with super soft paper) was over an arms length away leading to an annoying and, potentially, messy stretch, and if to add insult to injury the bog roll dispenser was also in an alcove - which added to the contortions you had to make to get to the paper.
as i say it was very soft paper - so perhaps this was the way to make sure that no used too much of it. or perhaps it the architect was a member of the spanish inquisition in a previous life....

galloway

he won.

bugger!

democracy

well it’s the big day. cast your vote, make a difference.
you have to feel a little sorry for new labour – they have done some wonderful things for the poor and disadvantaged of the country, but no one wants to hear about that they want to go on about iraq and immigration.
yes both subjects are important and need to be discussed, but they are not the sum total of what this election is about.

over in tony blair’s constituency of sedgefield the following candidates are standing

berony abraham, independent; john barker, independent; cherri blairout-gilham, pensioner's party; julian brennan, independent; william brown, ukip; robert browne, lib dem; jonathan cockburn, blair must go; mark farrell, national front; helen john, independent; al lockwood, conservative; fiona luckhurst-matthews, veritas; terry pattinson, senior citizens party; boney maroney staniforth, monster raving loony party.

and of course there is reg keys, who is standing as an independent. reg wasn’t interested in politics until his son tom was killed in iraq, a war which keys insists was illegal and immoral and therefore makes him the ideal candidate to stand against blair in his sedgefield constituency.
keys says "i'm not exactly what you'd expect of a politician, but i do know that i can embarrass tony blair." he goes on to say “we can use our vote to get rid of those people who betrayed my son and other men like him. that's what i want the people of sedgefield to do” (guardian)
i have to admit i have had mixed feelings about the war in iraq, most of them come not from the fact that an “illegal” war brought down an evil dictator but more from the fact that
1] clearly the operation was done in such a botched fashion we are still no closer to being able to exit.
2] that now that a “pre-emptive” argument has been made there seems to be no political will to go forward with that.
3] the world appears to be a much less safe place than it was before the invasion of iraq.

but the use of the war as a political rallying cry does cry out opportunism (and to my mind an element of cowardice – it is so much easier to be strong on one thing than it is to present a unified package to people). while keys has more right to do this than, say, george galloway, any votes cast for him are still wasted ones.

however it is good to see democracy in action (all over the whitechapel area you can see stickers telling muslims not to vote – because if they do they are no longer muslims. who would have thought the bnp and fundamentalist muslims would have something in common? (the bnp used to be anti-elections because they believed that elections meant that politicians could not really get on with the governing of the country because they were always interested in getting re-elected. the fundamentalist muslims are against elections because they oppose the idea of man made laws.)

it’s great to see ukip, veritas and national front go at it (what no bnp?) well that is going to confuse their potential vote which of the 3 do you choose? so let’s expect them to not be getting their deposits back.
it warms my heart to see the monster raving loony party in there. but where is respect?
the ones i feel sorry for are the independents – it’s almost like they are part of the billy no mates party, you would thought that they could have made up some silly names for themselves, rather than end up with the name of a newspaper that very few people read.

remember you might think it is a good idea to give tony blair a bloody nose, but you run the risk of letting in the conservatives. And let me tell you no one will thank you for that!

co-eds

there are times when catching the number 25 bus is a chore, such as when it is packed, or when the driver is on a go-slow (it’s all about the schedule you know – no actually i don’t what i do know is that you are delaying me from getting where i want to go mr. bus driver!) or when the mad person is on there.
then there are times when it is a total pleasure – normally when it is taking me away from work, or it is running smoothly or nights like tonight.
the area i live in has a couple of universities and a teaching hospital in it, the 25 runs right by queen mary’s (one of the few london campus’ i have not studied at – but give it time…) a couple of times in the past as i wearily made my way home the journey has been made brighter by the arrival of the several lovely young female students who are off out to the student union bar. the first time they got on the bus they sat and stood opposite me, it was also a day when i had nothing to read so i was just looking about me. the students were dressed in very short skirts, revealing tops and high heels, the only thing that saved me from total embarrassment was that there was so much to look at i was 1] spoilt for choice 2] paralysed by the need to choose, so ended up just gazing ahead of me.
i could hear them talking about what they were doing that night (organising some student union event) but what i was most interested in was the amount of gorgeous flesh that was on view. it was a breathtaking reminder of my desire to go back to academia.
since that first encounter i have been smitten and have lusted after another chance to cast my (some would say old lecherous – hi emma) eyes on them. i have been lucky enough to be on the right bus at the right time a few times, it almost makes up for the morning madman.
tonight was another of those nights where i struck gold. several girls got on – all dressed in the regulation short skirt (i have no idea if it is a fraternity thing ala phi kappa spanka spanka but i do know it looks good) the make up and the chat about what they were going to be doing tonight.
now remember these are serious students and they have worries such as essays, exams, uni coming to an end, friendships drifting apart and the world of work. except tonight was slightly different as there has obviously been a change in the old guard of the student union club they were leading members of. in the group on the bus there was the departing president of their club and the new president of the club. the ex and new were trading the usual “i think you should have stayed as president” “no no you will do a fine job, really you will” type stuff.
heaven help me all i could think was that i had ended up in the lindsay lohan “mean girls” – the main difference being that these girls should know better, after all they are all trying to get degrees as lawyers or doctors….
do i feel any differently towards them now that i know they are wrapped up in a tiny senseless world of student politics and point scoring with each other? hell no with legs that good and skirts that short they can do little wrong in my eyes!

me shallow? never.

intelligence

"More than 30 people were injured yesterday after dozens of Oxford undergraduates misjudged the level of the River Cherwell during a May Day celebration." (daily telelgraph & bbc)

now i am a believer in tradition - it can help define who we are, it can help guide us into the future. true not all traditions are that noble. but the tradition of jumping off the magdalen bridge each may day must continue.
why do you say that pat? i can hear you cry, already preparing to curse my name for being a lapdog apologiser for the establishment.
no the reason i want it to continue is not for the reasons that the average daily telegraph or daily mail reader would cite.
no i say it must conintue for the simple reason that it is proof postive that the elite are as stupid as we have always thought them to be and it is only the advantages that money and status confer on them that allows them to succeed in life....
especially when both reports have the local authorities saying it was dangerous (due to a low level of water...) and that these warnings were ignored but even worse:
"All of the injuries could have been avoided and even when those who were hurt were telling people still on the bridge not to jump, they continued to do so."

and these are the people who will get on in life...
when really for all the waste of resources of the NHS (oh like daddy couldn't afford to send them to a private doctor and like daddy isn't working for a company that avoids paying taxes ...) and police. frankly they should all be hit with ASBOs.

you could say i was being unfair to youthful exurberance - and you could be right.
except for two things:
1] the chances that working class estate bound kids getting away with it are slim.
2] i remember years ago visiting my dad at his place of work (the historic wig and pen club) and being confronted there by a very pissed gent (given my dad's choosen profession i had become used to drunks at an early age..) whose nose shone brighter than rudolph's (the only nose i have seen even redder was the catholic priest who visited my mum in hospital - my mum was keen to get a shot (or 5) of what he was drinking....) and whose weaving and bobbing and slurred voice meant that he would not be out of place at whitechapel tube station on a saturday night after closing. when the posh pissed bloke left my dad told me that i had been in the prescence of one of the top consultant surgeon's in london...... frankly he wasn't three sheets to the wind he was a whole flotila and that sort of abuse of booze shouldn't be tolerated.
so i can't help feeling that if you are part of the "elite" your money and status guarantee that you can get away with a lot more than the average person in the street can.

so that is why i hope the tradition of jumping from the bridge continues because hopefully they will continue to hurt themselves each year and who knows it may mean they can't breed anymore.

best of all it means more years in the wildnerness for the conservative party - look at what they have coming along in the future.

addiction

over the last few years i have come to realise that i have an addictive personality (which isn’t to say that once someone meets me they can never get enough of me) but more to do with the fact that i can get addicted to things very easily and that i find myself moving quickly from a case of just using something through indulging myself to outright abuse.
luckily must of my addictions are “harmless” and i can handle them (i can give it up tomorrow if i choose to – honest, just a touch of flu guv…..)
among my addictions i count chocolate, cream cakes, coffee and diet coke (my self love habits i do not regard as an addiction more an exercise regime),
a new recent addition to this role call of weakness is the return of a childhood favourite – nesquik.

i rediscovered nesquik in my local cinema, i tried a strawberry flavoured drink and was hooked. soon each trip to the cinema was accompanied by a large nesquik. each time i ordered i got funny looks. looks which reminded me of the time when me and my mate paul (hi paul!) went to cinema and we stacked up and several large bags of chocolate and then both asked for a diet coke each. well the withering look we got from the assistant there just lead to us (well maybe just me) saying in a whiney voice “but we prefer the taste of diet coke……”
so now the trip to the cinema is worthwhile not only because of the film but because there would be nesquik, ah be still my beating heart…. if only life were that simple and pleasure came that easily.
just as i had gotten into a routine with the nesquik the cinema dropped it.

but now i can have my fix of pink sugary milk at anytime as my local sainsburys now has nesquik on sale. i am fulfilled again – the aisles of the supermarket sing out their greetings to me each time i go in – dance merrily as i search out the nesquik pack.

so i have a new guilty pleasure and it’s name is nesquik.

visit the world of nesquik here

hypocrite

brian sedgemore was a long standing labour party backbencher. now after 27 years as an mp he is defecting to the liberal democrats.
why is he doing this?
because he wants to give blair “a bloody nose” at the polls and this was because sedgemore has had enough of blair’s “stomach turning lies”. (here)
as part of the story over sedgemore’s defection was the implication that more labour mps would defect before polling day. as reported in the independent “declaring that "enough is enough", mr sedgemore also reveals that a small group of unnamed fellow mps who are standing down are secretly planning to leave the labour party in protest at mr blair's leadership after the election.” (april 26th edition - here)


now my mate nick thinks that is a principled move and it sends a message to blair that he cannot get away with what he has done with regards to iraq.
i can see his point, but in all honesty what sedgemore (and perhaps some of his colleagues are doing) is so shallow and so hypocritical you wonder why he isn’t joining the conservative party.
true sedgemore has voted against the government on the subject of iraq (and several other key policies), but he has remained in the party and as part of the government. the timing of his defection is cynical – done to get as much publicity for himself as possible (perhaps he should be joining respect?) but also done at a time which does not disturb his career too much, because sedgemore is not fighting for his seat he is standing down at the end of this parliament.
so for all his criticisms of blair he managed to hold out as a labour politician long enough to retire.
if he felt that strongly he could have defect during the parliament and gone to the liberal democrats and called a bye election to allow the people to give blair “the bloody nose” that sedgemore believes he deserves.
the same go for all the others who are planning to defect once they have stood down at the end of this parliament….

with that kind of backbone in the labour party is it any wonder that blair and campbell got their way over iraq.

for me sedgemore comes out of this as a bit of cynical hypocrite who claims to be carrying out his actions for the noblest of reasons. not sure who he reminds me of most tony blair or george galloway.

election

the 2005 uk election – the handy guide to help you make up your mind.

1] iraq – yes or no?
2] immigration – yes or no?
3] tax cuts – some or more ?
4] everything else – we’ll talk about it later.

the manifestos
new labour – we’re not the conservatives (and remember blair will be gone soon).
conservative – we’re not new labour (but they have stolen our policies & and we hate w(censored).
liberal democrats – we’re not new labour and we’re not the conservatives. (that’s about it).

the others
respect – we care about iraq and palestine (well anything that will get us the ethnic vote and won’t have people asking us about being part of the swp).
ukip/veritas – keep england england (look old chap the rest of the world is a nice place to visit but we don’t want them here…)
bnp – we hate w(censored), we hate p(censored) and we hate y(censored) (we are just slightly right of the tory party and david blunkett).

ID

you have to laugh – no really you do – poor old sir ian blair (commissioner of the met police) has gotten himself in a pickle with his defence of id cards. he has said that the technology of id cards would be very helpful to his officers and that the concept of id cards should be given further consideration in the fight against terrorism.

naturally enough new labour has jumped at this support for it’s (in my opinion madcap) scheme. so you have alan milburn opining that sir ian knows more about fighting terrorism than anyone else in britain (well where was he when the various wmd documents were being discussed, perhaps his insight could have been useful then!) and then going on to say "when he says we need id cards, we say he should be backed," while john reid chipped in with "we have said this all along - you cannot be serious about fighting terrorism, or for that matter fighting organised crime, unless you are prepared to support id cards,"
now interestingly both the conservatives and liberal democrats are accusing new labour of exploiting fear of terrorism in order to push their id card plans ahead of the election. it might be me but isn’t that the way they have always been promoting this asinine plan for id cards? so it is hardly earth shattering news that they are going to grasp each and every chance they get to promote the darned things.

shami chakrabarti (director of civil rights group liberty) was less than happy that sir ian had opened his mouth and said anything on the subject. chakrabarti warned the police commissioner to stay out of the political debate. going on to say “my biggest concern is that there is just a hint of the possibility of a very senior police officer attempting to influence the outcome of a general election. that's not how we do things in this country,"

let’s look at this again. sir ian seemed to say it was an idea worth looking at and that the technology might help his officers. in the past i have been very very sceptical of id cards, i still am, but i can see the sense in investigating whether or not the whole thing is feasible and beneficial. but look we don’t want a professional having an opinion on this we want to leave it to the politicians and various interest groups. surely if the head of the met cannot voice an opinion on this subject then surely the same is true of liberty? its ok we can leave this debate to those rational and balanced newspapers the sun and the daily mail.

both the conservatives and liberal democrats have other plans and both have suggested that id cards are not a practical short term solution.
the liberal democrats talk about putting 10,000 more bobbies on the street. a worthy aim, most of us want to see more plods on the beat. it’s also something that is going to take time, i have two mates who want to join the police and both have been waiting over 18 months to get on the training course at hendon.
the conservatives talk about how the id card might be a solution for the future, highlighting the fact that the scheme will not be up and running for 8 years. so what do the tory party suggest needs to be done in the fight against terrorism (and of course illegal immigration ?) well naturally it is action to secure the national borders by introducing a border police, reintroducing embarkation controls, removing those living her illegally (of course one of the “fears” of illegal immigration is that we don’t know who they are – hence new labour’s desire to have id cards – so just how the tories propose to find all these illegals is not spelt out) and the introduction of legislation to deal with acts preparatory to terrorism (ooh now that doesn’t seem like it will be too open to misunderstanding and abuse does it?)
it will be interesting to see how the tories plan on getting all that set up 1] quickly and 2] without cutting other services. simple answer is they can’t/

the tories are annoyed that new labour have stolen their thunder on law and order by becoming almost a draconian as the conservatives. not only that but as sir ian says under new labour crime has been falling….

is it any wonder that the tories are bleating about new labour exploiting id cards. and lets be fair here the conservatives have the moral high ground – it’s not like they have jumped on any fear bandwagons recently…

cards

if you have been to central london you have seen the tart-cards. if there is a phone box in central london there are three things you can almost guarantee 1] it will have these cards in them, 2] it will smell of very stale piss and 3] it will eat your money up and not work.
i have been interested in the tart-cards for many years now; i have been collecting them since the early 90s. i think the first one i picked up was even early than that, i got it as a joke for my ex as the she shared the name and hair colour of the girl on the card, (i have a sneaking suspicion that i never gave her the card – as i knew that 1] she wouldn’t find it funny 2] she would read something into it that was not there and 3] i wasn’t keen on spending another night on the couch.
so i have trudged the streets of london going from phone box to phone box collecting the tart-cards. i have walked along oxford street, up edgware road over to baker street in the hunt for new cards. i have been in thousands of phone boxes and probably walked hundreds of miles in my search for new cards. i have seen them go from simple black and white cards to glossy colour cards, i have seen dry informative cards and i have seen witty and clever cards that would thrill a copy writer working for saatchi (mind you it probably was a professional copywriter getting a discount for a pithy hook line). i have been a fan of this urban art form.
i remember being excited when i discovered that brighton also had a tart-card culture, sadly it only has a poor selection on display whenever i go there now. i was thrilled when i found 1 card in manchester, and when a friend sent me one from cardiff (cheers ms woods) and then there was the bonanza pack of cards and fliers from tokyo given me by a colleague (cheers rob).
over the years there have been a couple of books on the subject of the cards, there has been an exhibition of the card art, there have been fake cards and there has been merchandise based on the cards (postcards and t-shirts) but never something as wonderful as this.
frankly my words can’t do this card justice – the image may be from the abu garb torture sessions and it offers you “more of the same” and a number to call. the number is the labour party’s northern call centre… as the go here and see some of the places the card has been seen.

while on a jokey political subject go

cats

i am not much of a pet person, which is lucky considering the state of my flat as i am pretty sure that any pet would soon be lost amongst the junk.
most pet people i know are a little like parents it doesn’t take much to start them off on a tale of wonderment about their gorgeous bundle of fun. most of the time the story leaves me a nonplussed and i just smile and nod in an encouraging manner (but with the hope that the look abject fear that they will tell another story is apparent in my beginning to glaze over eyes).
mind you every now and again you hear a story that makes you laugh.
i was out having a curry with my pal joel the other night when he told me this great yarn. a little bit of background first has become a cat-sitter for one of his friends and this regular event has turned him from a “cat’s are ugh” to “it’s not a cat it’s a person “type of person.
so there we are having the curry (and a very good one it was too – soon i must start writing about the curries i have – i am pretty certain that now i have eaten in each of the curry houses in brick lane!) and he decides to tell me his cat story.
he had come back from a gig and gone to bed at some point in the night he was woken by the cat jumping up on to the bed and deciding to snuggle up against joel. past occurrence if this had been pleasant experiences – something warm furry and purry next to you as you sleep – better than a hotwater bottle and cheaper than an electric blanket! only problem was that this time the cat decided to snuggle past joel’s head and as it went brushed its tail against his mouth. said tail was still damp with cat’s piss. now that is what i call an effective alarm.
the closest i have come to that sort of thing was way back when i was living with my ex and we were having a long lazy snooze in bed on a sunday morning. her cat was purring away (no you smut monkeys her cat and not her pussy) making that noise that could have been either let me out or feed me. i was too tired to know which it was and i was too snugily & comfy to want to get out of bed to find out which it was. it was ok the cat had its own way of letting me know what it wanted. it went to the centre of the room, turned its arse in my direction and then proceeded to do a turd the size of a wedding cake in the middle of the carpet, but this thing that grew from the arse of the cat was not a solid rope of shit. oh no my girlie’s cat had decided to unleash the lava pooh, and in a pretty convincing impression of a cement mixer the cat deposited what seemed to be 3 times it’s bodyweight in shit on the carpet. once finished it gave a wiggle of its tail and walked out. me i turned over in bed and fell asleep again – luckily i didn’t dream.
so what has this got to do with anything you scream? both stories seemed relevant in light of this from the independent newspaper.

wisconsin is in the process of authorising hunters, farmers and anyone who owns a gung to take to the countryside and start shooting cats, no not the big game one the cute little tabby ones. apparently the state has a severe problem with feral cats, with estimates saying that there are some two million of the tabbys out there and they are killing between 47-139 million birds a year (nothing like a little accuracy in your stats is there…) this has led to fireman mark smith to proposal that the feral cats be treated like gophers and skunks and become the target of hunters. all cats not with a collar or not under the control of an owner would be fair game.

the governor of the state, jim doyle, should just be singing this bill and moving it into law however he is not so keen and will not put pen to paper as "i don't think wisconsin should become known as a state where we shoot cats," he said. "what it does is sort of hold us up as the state that everybody is laughing at right now."

unease has not been helped by mark smith’s comments that if you kick a cat out at night you change its status, which implies you make it a target.

while i am not sure that as a hunter i would be overly impressed with the challenge of taking out a cat, even a feral one, i can see that there might be a desire to get all the available breeds to have their heads stuffed and mounted on the wall of the den!

perhaps it is something that could be offered to the disgruntled hunters over here. we could pay for them to go to wisconsin to help in the hunt of the feral cats. or perhaps they could start to claim that there is such a problem in the uk and offer their services to help.

one thing i do know is that given the chance that sunday morning many years ago i do know a cat that i would have happily shot in a mr. shush kinda way. (enjoy that reference pop culture addicts!)

howard

well who would have thought it. how did we all miss this?
leave it to the un to point out the obvious as they accuse howard of:
"indulging in "political opportunism" and encouraging hatred of foreigners by dragging asylum-seekers into party politics."
this comes ahead of his first major speech since the election was called - and what was it going to be about - oh immigration and the fact he sees blair and co as "pussyfooting" around the issue.
according to the independent howard is due to say:
""For too many years immigration has been a no-go area for political debate. If you said you thought that too many people were coming here, you were branded a racist. Let's be clear: it's not racist to criticise the system. It's just common sense.
"If we don't speak up now and have a proper debate about immigration we'll only help the bigots who preach racial hatred and the people-smugglers who profit from other people's misery. Mr Blair may want to pussyfoot around this issue, but I don't."

in a sense howard is right a sensible debate does need to be conducted over immigration and asylum seekers. it should be a rational debate, a coherent debate and one that is conducted in the cold light of day and not in the heat of an election.

howard does not help his case by lying. howard's plan for offshore centres and that the eu and un had set them up was met with "It is not correct that overseas processing centres have been established.." from anne dawson-shepard the british representative of unhcr.
ooops thats ok, what do the facts have to do with anything as long as you can claim that you are not racist.

howard seems to ignore that by bringing this (non) issue to the fore he is in fact doing the work of groups such as the bnp for them. it legitimates them because they can now point to the the main parties who are in a tizzy about how hard they can appear to be before they go into goose-stepping territory. the bnp can now campaign on this issue and no one can accuse them of stirring up hate because howard has gotten there first.

as for people-smugglers what is it that howard is sniffing because it is sure powerful stuff. people smuggling isn't occurring because it is easy to get into the uk, it's happening because people are making lots of money out of some poor wretches who want to have a better life for themselves. making it harder for legitimate immigrants or asylum seekers to enter the uk is not going to worry the gangs who operate people smuggling rings, it is going to encourage them. they are going to be making more money out of the misery of others. but it will be ok because the official statistics will be down and howard and blair can say - look what we did.

the worst of it is that we will still go to all these countries and offer jobs to their best people so that we have doctors, nurses, teachers (and of course nannies for the great and good).

howard may not be a racist - he is something worse he is someone who will prey on the base fears of people, he will stoke imaginary fears and he will do it for one reason only to have a chance to be the prime minister.

bomb

the sun does it again. intrepid sun journalists expose lax security at windsor castle. the two journos drove the sun “bomb van” into the grounds of the castle and near where the wedding of charles and camilla will be blessed. the journos had no paperwork, no appointment and a box clearly marked bomb – but they were waved through without a check or being searched.

this isn’t the first time the sun has done this – i suppose we should be thankful to them for showing us how unsafe we are and how useless the security forces are. but i am not.
why pat, why you cry.
well part of it is the fact it is the sun, it’s a paper that is not good enough to wipe my arse on (have used the evening standard though). and the fact that we all know that this isn’t about them doing a public service this is all about selling papers.

the current upshot of it is the two coppers who worked the detail have been relieved of duties.

but i have a number of questions.
1] did the journos really have a box marked bomb? we only have their word for it. and lets be honest it only takes a marker pen to write bomb on a box and you can do it pretty quickly.

2] the security forces must know that this sort of stunt if going to get played so do they let it get through in the hope that in the hue and cry after the event they can get more money (or get rid of the bods in charge – a humane version of the frag grenade in the officers latrine?) or are they so bad they can’t spot the unctuous sun journos?

3] as we never hear about these fake bombs being stopped we can only assume that the sun has a 100% record of success with these sort of things, which makes it an obvious place for bin laden and co to go to get training.

4] if we don’t hear about the failed attempts is that because the security forces have captured, tortured and sent the journos off to guantanamo bay (or gitmo) where they are forced to read good journalism and listen to the reith lectures?

5] given that in some respects this is a prank can the sun and the journos be taken to court for wasting everyone’s time. i believe that if you make a false 999 call you can end up with a potential prison sentence. so surely it’s time someone took the sun to task on this. go on charles, go on camilla take the sun to court on this – but them out of business. do that and i think you justify the monarchy’s existence in the uk for several more years.

6] do the police and security forces when they catch these pranksters give them an extra special kicking for their time. it’s not like the sun can complain – after all it’s the sort of treatment they want to be doled out to potential terrorists.

7] or is it that rebekah wade has photos of everyone doing something rude and lewd so in the end she has a free hand.

on a serious note what the sun has done really doesn’t serve much of a purpose other than to heighten the feelings of anxiety that many people suffer about the country not being a safe place (even though most reports and surveys say the opposite) but that then allows the sun to maintain it’s campaigns against travellers and asylum seekers because they can become the “target” for the unspecified feelings of fear we feel.

it’s a tawdry rag and its influence on the country is too much.
i drink a toast, in advance, to the security force team that catches the next sun bomb van and treats them to a bit of heavy handed policing…..

mugabe

say what you like about the man – but he sure knows how to get a handshake. mugabe is fast becoming the dennis pennis of the diplomatic world. up he pops, gets his handshake, goes back to zimbabwe with the photo opportunity he wanted. meanwhile the unsuspecting target has to suffer the wrath of the press for their mistake.
prince charles has now followed in jack straw’s footsteps.
charlie was sat one seat away from mugabe (which has to go down as one of the best seating arrangements in the history of diplomacy given mugabe’s attitude to the uk. or perhaps these events work on the same principle that seats in the cinema work – you rush in get the one you want and bugger the rest of the people, i can see the various ushers standing in the middle of it all saying please fill up the seats in the middle of the rows while people such as clinton, chirac, blair all sitting on the aisle seats just glare).

clarence house on behalf of charles said he "caught by surprise”. which is better than jack straw’s “….the fact that there is serious disagreement between zimbabwe and the uk does not mean we should be discourteous or rude." (here) (and it’s that kind of polite attitude that would mean I would never make it as a politician – rude and discourteous is best some of the people I work with can expect from me – ain’t that right kenny).

meps glynnis kinnock and richard corbett have criticised the prince. corbett said this was a golden opportunity to deliberately and very visibly refuse to shake hands with this man.
"to fail to do so was, frankly, stupid." (here) which while is fair comment ignores the fact that charlie has been trained from birth to shake hands…. (it’s a trait the political class have to go to special classes for – as well as kissing babies..) so it’s a little harsh that in the heat of the moment that a hand is thrust in his direction that he ends up shaking it almost instinctively.
while you would have liked charlie to have reacted properly the fault must lie with the people who
1] arranged the seating.
2] who advise and protect the prince for not spotting this potential gaffe and either moving him or warning him.
3] the spineless officials who have let mugabe enter europe despite an eu ban on him entering europe.
4] whoever wrote out the invite to him in the first place.

when mugabe isn’t rigging elections it looks like he is blagging his way into the best parties in the world.

crumb

i went to see the crumb exhibition at the whitechapel gallery the other day. have to say the exhibition is a little bit disappointing – not so much in that crumb’s art is not well represented but because there was not enough of his non underground comix work there.

i have to admit that i was never a big fan of the underground comix scene – a little like punk i was there, but it just passed me by (while my school contemporaries were going to see the sex pistols and stranglers i was listening to elp (still am) while they were reading the likes of weirdo and zap i was reading superman (still am). so i never developed a love or an appreciation of crumb and his ilk, while my love of “superhero” comics (and prog) has stayed with me to this day.

that isn’t to say i am not fully aware of the works of crumb (how could i avoid crumb, we share an interest in certain types of women!) having leafed through various copies of weirdo, zap and the collected works published by fantagraphics.

it’s that familiarity that has meant that the show is not as exciting as i would have liked it to be.
for me the problem is that the vast bulk of the material that is on offer are comix pages – while they may show the range of interests and obsessions that inhabit crumb’s work, there is a sense of looking at reproduced work and not originals. (in fact in some cases it does look like they have just removed pages from the comics to put in the frames – however as i do not know enough about crumb it may be that his working method is such that his completed page is pretty near perfect).
as i have said i love comics and i love the comic art form – but it’s not a form that translates well to being hung on the wall of galleries. what makes comics a unique and wonderful art form is the interplay between the words and pictures and it’s all those pesky word balloons and captions that makes it a less than thrilling experience in a gallery (especially if you are like me and read comics on a regular basis). it also means that people can’t appreciate the art from a distance as they need to read the words….

where the show comes into its own is in the few, sadly, sketches that adorn the walls. part of the reason these are so interesting is that they are not as refined as the work that was published – they are looser, more intimate but still concerned with the topics that appeal to crumb. these sketches give fresh insight into the published work.

judging by the number of people who were at the show, it looks likely that crumb has captured himself a new audience.
although a little disappointed with the content of the show, the work on view is great so i know i will be dusting off a few copies of the crumb books and looking again at his work.
go see it – it’s on at the whitechapel until may 22nd 2005.

divine

its a trying time for us catholics - waiting and wondering who the next pontiff is going to be.
its at moments like these we look on high for a sign that shows that there is a divine purpose to the world, that in the gloom there is light, that the clouds do have a silver lining. we look to the things that will bring a smile to our faces.

and bless his cotton socks mark thatcher has stepped up to the challenge and has shown that he can indeed be a bringer of joy. mark, you may remember, was (“nudge nudge wink wink”) slightly involved in a fail coup in africa when he paid for a helicopter that he “suspected” of being used in mercenary activities.
it was.
they were unsuccessful.
the finger got pointed at mark.
he got caught.
in true fashion he toughed it out, it was stiff upper lip time, take me medicine like a man, play on a straight wicket... oh no that’s right he squealed like a stuck pig and plea bargained.

the plea bargain got him out of south africa, where i am sure he has lots of friends just wanting to pop round to “congratulate” him on his result. next stop england to spend time with his mum, the formidable mrs thatcher, no doubt proud of what mark has achieved. the plan was to go and join his anxiously waiting family in texas.

it was a nice plan, but the american authorities hadn’t read the script and his visa application has been turned down.
instant smile on my face.
yes as one of my mates has pointed out, he will get a chance to try again in two years time, and yes he is rich beyond my wildest dream – but for a few hours today he is nothing more than a common criminal, excluded from american because he had links to terrorist activities. (here and
here ).

a close second in the cheer up pat stakes was jonathon king (our very own low rent michael jackson). he has just been released from jail for serving part of his sentence for abusing underage boys. although he has gotten his freedom back he has just lost his bid to claim back some of the costs of one of his other cases that saw him being acquitted of abuse.
but as the judge said he had "brought suspicion on himself".
so king is out of pocket.
like thatcher he is probably wealthy enough not to miss the money, but for a short period of time he has lost again!
though he may just have the last laugh as he is talking about entering the music biz again.
what’s the chances of king, jackson and townsend forming a trio. suggestions for their name on a postcard please – but lets keep fiddling out of it. (go here for the king story)

jpII

farewell john paul II. rest in peace.

in just over 2 weeks the fun begins as we see who the next pope will be.

although there are favourites for the position there is a saying that "he who goes into the conclave a pope invariably comes out a cardinal".

jpII set up some new rules as to how a new pope is to be chosen (so no phone-ins after seeing how all the candidate perform in a series of "tests") among one of the questions as to the process is whether or not the signal of smoke, to announce if a pope has been chosen, will be used. i hope so there is something to be said for tradition.

it'll be interesting to see what george w bush has to say about it all, as according to jack chick of chick tract fame we catholics are just one step shy of being the servants of hell as far as christian fundamentalists are concerned.
(if you do want to have a read that will raise the hair on the back of your neck, but also give you an insight to the workings of the fundamentalist mind go here - be warned though it is not for the faint hearted.)

jokes

there was a story in the paper the other day (and i confess it was the sun and i confess i was reading it in the local pizza place, rocket pizza where i was ordering an extra large country feast thin pan – it should feed 2 to 4 people but just about does me) about the funniest joke in the world.
strangely the winner this time was not the one that won last time.
neither of the two previous winners can i remember, not that means they weren’t funny just i have a bad memory.

so for your edification here is pat’s nominations for the 3 funniest jokes in the world and for all time. but to make it more fun i will give you just the punch lines…
(why just the punch line you ask? well because these jokes are so funny all i need to do is remember the punch line and i am smiling and giggling like a goon.)

so in no particular order here they are

“your granny is on the roof”
“yes it does doesn’t it”
“my mate was collecting coconuts”

i thank you.