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Sunday, July 14, 2013


tooth fairy isn't visiting

i may have mentioned that i have a hate hate relationship with dentists.
they scare me.
no i mean they really scare me.
knee knocking buttock clenching shit dribbling pants brown fear.

this may all stem from my dad.
i have this vivid memory of going with him to the dentist when i was still in short trousers and had a chubby smiley angelic face when the biggest worry of my life was whether to read the beano before the dandy. dad was going in for some work on his teeth. i can't remember him with good teeth, but then if you drank and smoked as much as he did you couldn't expect to have a great set of gnashers.
the surgery was in someone's downstairs. the waiting room had crimson flock wall paper (it might have been brown - i'm colour blind so what do i know). it was gloomy.
now i have to admit that as a little kid i thought of my dad as a bit of superman. he was the local publican and that meant a lot of people wanted to be his mate and a lot of people looked up to him. (of course the reality was that they just wanted to be able to drink during closing hours - but i was a little kid who was yet to develop a cynical streak so how was i supposed to know that).

anyway: dad as superman.

so sitting in the waiting room i was all buzzing around ants in my pants kiddy impatient.
dad sparked up. yes, fair reader, this was the days when you could smoke anywhere and everywhere.
he sat puffing on his fag, probably a senior service.

dental nurse came in to see us.
"the dentist will see you when you have finished your cigarette".
dad's response to this was to pull out the pack and light several more ciggies.

this was my first clue that dentists were not nice people.

my next clue came years later when i visited the dentist proper. i suspect that she was a very good dentist and i was just a very bad patient.
for someone already petrified the stern grey haired mrs. gutzman wasn't the ideal dentist.
to her credit she put up with me and my squealing ways. i can't say it wasn't painless because it hurt like buggery. i was scared of the needle, i was scared that the needle wouldn't work (on several occasions it failed to numb the gum - so all the injections of pain killer meant was more pain and no gain).
pretty much every trip to the dentist resulted in my having ouchies.
often i gave up on taking the needle to numb my gums and she drilled straight into the tooth and got the job done that way.

i never liked going.

when i moved away from there i stopped going altogether.

now i have teeth that are gross and ready to drop out.
unlike my dad it has nothing to do with booze and fags - but chocolate and cola have done for them.

last night a tooth fell out, well quite a lot of it did.

not sure that the tooth fairy is going to pay me a visit to drop off a six pence.

i guess it is time to start thinking about being an adult and pay a visit to the dentist.
once i convince myself there is nothing to fear.

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