pickle

i love to eat (its one of the reasons i am portly) but i am not a great lover of food, i am not an experimenter with grub, i am not out searching for my next taste sensation. i know what i like and i tend to stick to it, then i will eat it in quantity – sometimes vast quantity.

this is not the full rant i have planned on this (oh dear reader you have that coming another time….) this is just a taster.

there i am in canary wharf this morning. i have had a letch at the office women (i am sorry emma i know i should be enlightened enough not to so this but it is a good way to start the day and it perks me up) i have armed myself with a coffee republic tall latte with extra shot and i wander into tescos metro.

i know what i want: some sarnies, some fruit, some pop and because i had a very loooooong day at work yesterday i want some doughnuts (custard) to give me that sugar filled rush that takes the perk of the letching and the coffee to a new level of perkiness.

it’s a simple plan. pop? check got it. fruit? check got it. doughnuts? mmm no there has been a problem with the bakery – no fresh cakes. what none? nope not a one…. from the gates of heaven i have been cast into purgatory. ok ok – probably best if i don’t have cream cakes i mean look at my arse it would look big in a zeppelin hanger. get the sandwiches and get on the dlr and go to work.

now tescos metro at canary wharf have an impressive sandwich display. and i look and look for the one i want. although it is a humble sounding sarnie – it is in fact the king of sandwiches i am talking about the great (drum roll *ahem cough geddit ahem* please) cheese and branston pickle sarnie. it is easy to make bread, butter, cheese and branston pickle. nothing could be simpler and nothing could be finer (well except maybe a day in carolina).

so tell me why can’t i find the darned thing on the shelves? not seen a cheese and branston pickle sarnie there in an age. i can get cheese and onion, i can get red leicester and tomato, i can get ploughman’s, cheese and ham, cheese and picalilly (what why – it looks disgusting tastes worse) but not cheese and bloody branston pickle.

then it struck me that there was a pickle shortage. george dubya bush had been banging on about using technology to cut down on climate change by using technology. so it was obvious the cia and mit skunkworks had either 1] found a way to make pickle a carbon dioxide absorber 2] found a way to replace fossil fuel with pickle or 3] had used pickle to cover the shuttle to prevent it burning on re-entry.
they are good reasons for me not to have pickle – so i can sacrifice based on that.

then a darker thought hit me – perhaps the lack of pickle was an ickian type conspiracy. the babyloninan brotherhood had taken over pickle production and were using to brainwash slaves to turn them into pliable drones for the new society. icke, the famous fighter for truth, had countered this by making picalilly more available. by eating the picalilly we would be able to resist the babylonians mind control and be able to take control of our lives, cast of the blinkers and see the world for what it is. not so much the red pill but the yellow pickle.

one was a bright future one was a gloomy future – both with out branston pickle and cheese sandwiches.

and then my eye caught it – there was no pickle shortage, they were putting it on corned beef sandwiches. what the fuck, was the thought that went through my mind. why why why. branston goes on cheese, not on corned beef.

the day was off to a terrible start. a simple sandwich is unavailable because some satanist working at tescos is putting the branston pickle on corned beef and not on cheese.
something foul and hideous is being planned.
be warned.

oh how i will dream of cheese and branston pickle sarnies….