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Tuesday, August 16, 2016


fashion is not my bag.

though bags do play a large part in my fashion choices.

i live by the jobs/zuckerberg school of dressing – i just throw a little more variety into it. instead of large walk in closets filled with numerous versions of the same style and colour tops, and bottoms of the same colour and style. i operate under the two bag system – one bag contains the clean clothes and the other contains the dirty clothes. a quick dive into the clean bag brings out the clean top, pants and socks for the day, the bottoms being used for several days. easy peasey. sadly i haven't invented a new style of computing or social media with all the time i have saved through my streamlined dressing).

(and no while i might look like i have dressed from the dirty bag, even i don't make that mistake.)

so me and fashion are not even close to being pals.

probably the last time i was in fashion was when i was in nappies, because nappies are pretty universal (and i am not talking about adult baby fantasy here). the last 54 years me and fashion have parted company.

of course my lack of fashion sense or interest doesn't stop me from looking at some fashion choices and think what the fuck, no really what the fuck.

seriously why has the low slung jeans/ trousers become a fashion staple, why did it ever become popular in the first place? most people who sport the fashion do not have the body for it and as they shuffle charlie chaplin like down the street doing the i have shat my pants waddle. of course if you are young and have a gym honed body then perhaps you can carry it off, and the makers of the pants you are wearing are pleased for the extra publicity. the majority of wears tend not to be like this and seemingly they don't necessarily want the pants either. in a large number of cases you are confronted low jeans, no pants and a flabby arse with a dirty crack of doom. trust me that isn't a look anyone wants to be having. more to the point it is a look that most of us don't want to see.

gents put your arses away and pull those strides up.

the current fashion craze i don't understand harks back to something i loved as a kid/teenager: ripped jeans. back when i had ripped jeans it was because i had done something to wear the material out, it was a badge of effort. those ripped knees were a sign you had been out being active. now such rips and tears are fashion statement – except it doesn't stop at rips and tears it is whole chunks of the jeans that are missing, and it isn't just one rip or tear it is loads of them, in some cases there are more holes than there is jeans.

why? what is so special about tramp chic? other than you are showing the world you have more money than sense and you can afford to dress shabbily and all your peer group and other fashionistas will congratulate you on your brand choice and admire your taste for looking just like them.

maybe that is the point – it is a signifier that you belong with the others who wear jeans that are torn to shreds and have large holes all over them (of maybe more accurately – they have a bit of jeans defining empty space of the fashion statement.

to me clothes are something i have to wear, so something easy, practical and comfortable to wear. no hassle, pluck it from the bag and put it on. i don't want to be navigating holes to make sure i don't rip the item any more than it already is, after all i wouldn't want to ruin the look of such stylish clothes.

maybe it is best that i stick with sensible bland clothing as i am pretty sure that old chubby blokes shouldn't be trying to make fashion statements.  ever.

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