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Monday, August 01, 2016


there is little that annoys me.

oh who am i kidding i am a man full of irk, so much so i irk more than miley twerks.

what makes me an irker is that that life is full of the little things that annoy, irritate and vex. in a way this is a good thing because there are so many causes of exasperation that i do not spend much time on each one worrying about how to revenge myself on the causes of my current beleaguered irk. no doubt if i fretted and gnawed at just one i would become obsessed and thus would begin the journey to serial killer.

yes! yes! i know, dear reader, you are keen to know just what it is that turns calm gentle pat into a raging seething giant sulk monster.

doors are simple things, their purpose summed up in a number of dualities: open/closed, locked/unlocked, in/out (occasionally a third purpose is applicable – but only in times of earthquakes where you can stand neither in or out, but within and be protected.

doors so simple, yet so crucial. they are transformational – you start out inside and with a stride and end up outside, or you are outside and with a step you are inside.



why then, i ask, is it so difficult for so many to grasp the concept of the door and use it properly?

are these people unfamiliar with doors coming from some primitive culture were there are no such portals and they live under the stars and need no protection from the elements, or are they from some some alien planet were doors do not exist because beings can materialise where they think they should be, or have the ability to turn themselves immaterial and thus pass through the very fabric of matter?

ah both of these would be lovely explanations and render my irk pointless – after all how can you be angry and annoyed at people who because they have no concept of door do not use the door properly. besides they would be strangers in a strange land and should be treated like guests.

alack and alas this is not the case – these door huggers, these door hangers are fully aware of the door principle they just don't think it applies to them. they believe they are more important than the door, that they are better than those who wish to benefit for the transformational properties of the door. it would not be so bad if when they saw someone approaching the door they acted like the red sea under moses's command. they don't. instead they stand their ground like a self important sentinel of the gap. really they are little more than irritating wastes of precious space who in a perfect world would be abducted by aliens and anally probed so that these space travellers could learn the right way to use doors.

to the best of my knowledge this does not happen – so we are left with the ritual of jostling and ignored 'excuse me, excuse me', pushing by and through ignorant arseholes who are busy looking at that oh so important text about what to do for lunch on their phone.

it is lucky i don't have a superpower as i suspect that these are the sort of people who would turn me into a villain who wreaked havoc on them, by turning them all into living hinges forever at the beck and call of the door.

as i say it is lucky i don't take these sort of things to heart.

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