horribilis

it has to be said that the end of my 53rd year was pretty shit.

has to be said that the start of my 54th year isn't looking much better.

i wish i could claim that others were responsible for the position that i am in, it is all on me.

i have made things worse by being passive and letting the world go by while i have moped and wallowed in a small puddle of self-pity and self-hate - veering from depressed to unhappy with just a few smiles thrown in to alleviate the gloom (can't be miserable all the time: and while misery may like company no one wants to hang around with a miserable bastard).

at least, for the moment, i haven’t hit rock bottom. whether that is a good or bad thing is still to be decided.

to make matters worse i lost interest in what was going on in the world around me and in those that i cared for. the revelation that the world goes on and that other people have problems while i bemoan my situation serves as a wake up call.

what got me into this situation was sticking my head in the sand and hoping that when i finally emerged that the world around me would be filled with bright coloured rainbows and pots chocolate snacks. it wasn’t – just more of the same: the world recast in a brown hue. depressingly i didn’t learn my lesson and quickly accepted my new situation and promptly buried my head again.

while i was in a position to whistle up my barcelona life went on for other people, i missed that. a year in which i ignored friends.

my reengagement with the world starts now.

a small step.

an easy step.

but then all journeys start with one step.