it has to be said that the end of my 53rd year was pretty shit.
has to be said that the start of my 54th year isn't looking much better.
i wish i could claim that others were responsible for the position that i am in, it is all on me.
i have made things worse by being passive and letting the world go by while i have moped and wallowed in a small puddle of self-pity and self-hate - veering from depressed to unhappy with just a few smiles thrown in to alleviate the gloom (can't be miserable all the time: and while misery may like company no one wants to hang around with a miserable bastard).
at least, for the moment, i haven’t hit rock bottom. whether that is a good or bad thing is still to be decided.
to make matters worse i lost interest in what was going on in the world around me and in those that i cared for. the revelation that the world goes on and that other people have problems while i bemoan my situation serves as a wake up call.
what got me into this situation was sticking my head in the sand and hoping that when i finally emerged that the world around me would be filled with bright coloured rainbows and pots chocolate snacks. it wasn’t – just more of the same: the world recast in a brown hue. depressingly i didn’t learn my lesson and quickly accepted my new situation and promptly buried my head again.
while i was in a position to whistle up my barcelona life went on for other people, i missed that. a year in which i ignored friends.
my reengagement with the world starts now.
a small step.
an easy step.
but then all journeys start with one step.