too hot, too hot far too hot. where is the rain? where is the wind? where is the snow?
no air con in the office, flat is like an oven and not a breeze outside.
hay fever is playing up. feeling like i am being boiled and baked at the same time. worst of all i just seem to feel moist all the time. ugh ugh.
this is all wrong you know there is tennis on at wimbledon and there is cricket one day internationals between australia, bangladesh and england, if all was right with the world the heavens would be opening up and the rain would be pouring.
but no climate change (despite what david bellamy and tammi say) has screwed up one of the few pleasure i have over the summer and that is the sight of seeing dull dumb sporting events being rained off and in the process getting a respite from the summer sun.
yes i know i am a miserable git.
Friday, June 24, 2005
Thursday, June 23, 2005
taxi
there is a report on the bbc news website about the possibility of there being air taxis in the very near future. this is partly due to the fact that there is soon to be what is called very light jets and this combined with improvements in aeronautical technology means that these new small planes can take off from smaller runaways and from locations that do not have air control towers.
apparently we can thank nasa for this.
to the science fiction fan in me it’s an appealing idea the world of blade runner, fifth element or minority report coming true before my eyes (oh hold on none of those were particularly nice world…..)
so just as everyone is bleating about the lack of investment in the transport infrastructure (recently the train companies have mentioned that fares will be going up even as they talk about cutting the services – they were talking about premium prices. bit of a surprise there for those who travel at peak time, paying peak time prices to discover that they might be paying more for a worse service. it is good to see that the free market works in such a way – there is a demand, so don’t fill it, reduce the service, put up prices and make more profit. not quite the way adam smith saw it working but as long as someone is getting rich...)
but i digress (no shit sherlock!)
anyway as i was saying just as everyone is bleating about the failing transport infrastructure – no investment, more cars on the roads, build more roads etc etc and just as climate scientist have been telling us that air travel is a major contributor to the greenhouse effect (it is there tammi no matter what dubya tells you….) we get this.
already i can see the headlines about air taxi congestion in the skies, the endless conversations about fuel prices, how this is a service for the wealthy and not for the ordinary person, the hue and cry when the first crash happens.
but most of all regardless of the new technology that makes these new generation of planes lighter and very economical to fly, no matter what types of electronics that nasa has placed into them to ensure that they can get from a to be safely and easily, regardless of all of that i am betting that you will not be able to get an air taxi to go south of the river.
apparently we can thank nasa for this.
to the science fiction fan in me it’s an appealing idea the world of blade runner, fifth element or minority report coming true before my eyes (oh hold on none of those were particularly nice world…..)
so just as everyone is bleating about the lack of investment in the transport infrastructure (recently the train companies have mentioned that fares will be going up even as they talk about cutting the services – they were talking about premium prices. bit of a surprise there for those who travel at peak time, paying peak time prices to discover that they might be paying more for a worse service. it is good to see that the free market works in such a way – there is a demand, so don’t fill it, reduce the service, put up prices and make more profit. not quite the way adam smith saw it working but as long as someone is getting rich...)
but i digress (no shit sherlock!)
anyway as i was saying just as everyone is bleating about the failing transport infrastructure – no investment, more cars on the roads, build more roads etc etc and just as climate scientist have been telling us that air travel is a major contributor to the greenhouse effect (it is there tammi no matter what dubya tells you….) we get this.
already i can see the headlines about air taxi congestion in the skies, the endless conversations about fuel prices, how this is a service for the wealthy and not for the ordinary person, the hue and cry when the first crash happens.
but most of all regardless of the new technology that makes these new generation of planes lighter and very economical to fly, no matter what types of electronics that nasa has placed into them to ensure that they can get from a to be safely and easily, regardless of all of that i am betting that you will not be able to get an air taxi to go south of the river.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
24
wow wow oh wow and double wow.
just finished watching the last couple of episodes of 24 and frankly it just has me gagging for day 5 of 24.
the basic premise for 24 is that jack bauer (played masterfully by kiefer sutherland) and the counter terrorist unit (ctu) of los angeles have to save the day in the space of 24 hours. each episode is played out in hour “real time” segments, actually to allow for ad breaks there is only 45 minutes of action but who is counting. so for 24 episodes you are on the edge of your seats and jack and co do what they have to do to make sure that the day is saved.
as i know at least one person who reads this has not seen the last two episodes (hi paul) i won’t say anything about how the show resolves itself this time.
there are many things that come together in 24 to make it a televisual experience. firstly there is the action packed serial nature of the show – it is not enough that they have a tense and dangerous situation to resolve, oh no there is also time enough to get in all sorts of personal issues. which of course means you end up caring about the characters and you want to see them make it to the end of the day.
this works because the casting has been spot on and the ensemble nature of the show works well (ok it is true that kiefer does seem to make sure he gets all the best lines…)
the serial nature also makes it a must watch event as every episode ends on a cliff hanger, and each episode has the ever present clock ticking away letting you know how much “time” is left in the hour. you want to see what is going to happen next but you don’t want the episode to end, but as the time hits 50 minutes of the hour you are just perched on the edge of the seat waiting for the next revelation.
the stories themselves are top-notch and for the duration of each show totally absorbing and believable it is only as the final seconds have ticked off that you can indulge in the game of “what did that mean?” “that was wrong” “that couldn’t have happened like that” etc. the joy is that no matter how farfetched some if it seems it works within the framework of what 24 is trying to do.
so i have seen the end of series 4 (or day 4) and have to say it is the best yet. though my own personal favourite series was day 2, why you ask? well first series was great and set us up for how the premise worked., so by the time day 2 was on i was rushing home on a sunday night not only to see the new episode on bbc3, but also to catch the repeat that was being shown in bbc2. once the show itself had finished then there was pure 24 with the lovely tamzin sylvester (whose mastery of clothes is only matched by one other…) it was a blissful 24 weeks of excitement. the next two series have been better but have been marred by the fact i couldn’t watch them in weekly instalments but instead got them in blocks (thanks jim). even though i have not been able to recapture the thrill of giving up sunday evenings to watch jack and ctu do what is necessary i have still managed to sit agog at the adventures, i have still
punched the air and whooped with delight at the entrance of a character or an event taking place on the screen.
look if you have not already seen 24 – get over to your local video store and see if they have one of them for rent – its worth it trust me….
what is interesting about 24 is how they now play it in the post 9/11 world – it has become a much harsher, more cynical and more willing to portray the good guys as people who are willing to do whatever it takes to get the job done, no matter what the cost.
the special agent has replaced the cowboy as the rugged individual who will step outside the lines to do what is right. in many ways jack bauer’s character is similar to john wayne’s ethan edwards in “the searchers” - ethan is relentless in his pursuit of what he sees as the right course but he know in his heart he is not part of civil society even though he will do his best to protect it.
oooh that was deep.
look stop reading this and get out there and see it for yourself: it’s the dog’s bollocks.
for the record my other favourite tv shows include
alias, angel, csi, nypd blue, hill street blues, babylon 5, sunset beach, star trek, prisoner, hr puff’n’stuff., bob mills in bedwithmedinner, game on, between the lines. i suspect that although i have fond memories of follyfoot, timeslip and blake’s seven they will not match up to them if i saw them again.
just finished watching the last couple of episodes of 24 and frankly it just has me gagging for day 5 of 24.
the basic premise for 24 is that jack bauer (played masterfully by kiefer sutherland) and the counter terrorist unit (ctu) of los angeles have to save the day in the space of 24 hours. each episode is played out in hour “real time” segments, actually to allow for ad breaks there is only 45 minutes of action but who is counting. so for 24 episodes you are on the edge of your seats and jack and co do what they have to do to make sure that the day is saved.
as i know at least one person who reads this has not seen the last two episodes (hi paul) i won’t say anything about how the show resolves itself this time.
there are many things that come together in 24 to make it a televisual experience. firstly there is the action packed serial nature of the show – it is not enough that they have a tense and dangerous situation to resolve, oh no there is also time enough to get in all sorts of personal issues. which of course means you end up caring about the characters and you want to see them make it to the end of the day.
this works because the casting has been spot on and the ensemble nature of the show works well (ok it is true that kiefer does seem to make sure he gets all the best lines…)
the serial nature also makes it a must watch event as every episode ends on a cliff hanger, and each episode has the ever present clock ticking away letting you know how much “time” is left in the hour. you want to see what is going to happen next but you don’t want the episode to end, but as the time hits 50 minutes of the hour you are just perched on the edge of the seat waiting for the next revelation.
the stories themselves are top-notch and for the duration of each show totally absorbing and believable it is only as the final seconds have ticked off that you can indulge in the game of “what did that mean?” “that was wrong” “that couldn’t have happened like that” etc. the joy is that no matter how farfetched some if it seems it works within the framework of what 24 is trying to do.
so i have seen the end of series 4 (or day 4) and have to say it is the best yet. though my own personal favourite series was day 2, why you ask? well first series was great and set us up for how the premise worked., so by the time day 2 was on i was rushing home on a sunday night not only to see the new episode on bbc3, but also to catch the repeat that was being shown in bbc2. once the show itself had finished then there was pure 24 with the lovely tamzin sylvester (whose mastery of clothes is only matched by one other…) it was a blissful 24 weeks of excitement. the next two series have been better but have been marred by the fact i couldn’t watch them in weekly instalments but instead got them in blocks (thanks jim). even though i have not been able to recapture the thrill of giving up sunday evenings to watch jack and ctu do what is necessary i have still managed to sit agog at the adventures, i have still
punched the air and whooped with delight at the entrance of a character or an event taking place on the screen.
look if you have not already seen 24 – get over to your local video store and see if they have one of them for rent – its worth it trust me….
what is interesting about 24 is how they now play it in the post 9/11 world – it has become a much harsher, more cynical and more willing to portray the good guys as people who are willing to do whatever it takes to get the job done, no matter what the cost.
the special agent has replaced the cowboy as the rugged individual who will step outside the lines to do what is right. in many ways jack bauer’s character is similar to john wayne’s ethan edwards in “the searchers” - ethan is relentless in his pursuit of what he sees as the right course but he know in his heart he is not part of civil society even though he will do his best to protect it.
oooh that was deep.
look stop reading this and get out there and see it for yourself: it’s the dog’s bollocks.
for the record my other favourite tv shows include
alias, angel, csi, nypd blue, hill street blues, babylon 5, sunset beach, star trek, prisoner, hr puff’n’stuff., bob mills in bedwithmedinner, game on, between the lines. i suspect that although i have fond memories of follyfoot, timeslip and blake’s seven they will not match up to them if i saw them again.
Monday, June 20, 2005
people
i am not a people person (those who know me will think that a bit of an understatement – more a misanthrope they will cry) and this is somewhat odd given my mix of christian and socialist beliefs, perhaps i would be better being a conservative?
anyway why am i making this confession now? well part of it is that recently i have been going to lots of events, how i love free music events and venues. and the more of these i go to more i end up people watching and being amazed and stunned by those around me.
and before i go any further let me point out that i realise that i am socially dysfunctional, that most of the time i am less than civil and often like the sound of my own voice but have little to say. with that confession made i am also happy to admit that often i prefer my own company.
so there i have been recently sitting down chin stroking away to a mix of laptop and lo-fi avant-garde guitar music at places such as the foundry. around me people just do things that seem to me to be odd (and i fully admit it is all subjective and more than likely i am the one who is behaving oddly).
while i am supping my orange juice and listening i notice a very cute blonde (oh ok emma i know i shouldn’t letch – but at my age it’s the only pleasure i have…) she seems to be waiting for someone or isn’t quite sure what she is doing in the bar (and it’s not like the music wasn’t very good – it was), so she walked in and out a couple of times and then eventually sat down. shortly after she had sat down she was approached by an older bloke, blonde, goatee beard and baggy white shirt. when he sat down beside her i thought lucky bloke to have such a pretty friend. it was only later that i realised that actually he had just gone over to her in order to chat her up. a part of me was impressed as i just don’t have that much front to just plonk myself down next to a total stranger and start chatting to them.
to her credit she humoured him for awhile but the first opportunity she did do a runner on him.
he didn’t seem to upset or surprised by that.
shortly afterwards he was on the phone to his ex missus in the midst of what sounded like a huge barney about all manner of things from her kicking him out of the house, to her taking their child away, to her wanting money, various cuss words were uttered. this took place over several phones calls as they each hung up on the other one. to be honest it sounded like a totally shitty situation that they both found themselves in.
it’s another joy of the mobile phone – it brings your arguments to the rest of the world. me i think there are some things that should be done privately, that is one of them.
mind you there are times when an argument kicks off in a public space – as it did that night between a gay couple. they were sitting behind me and one of them spent the best part of 30 minutes berating and belittling the other one. it would have been so bad if it wasn’t for the fact his voice carried so pretty much everyone in the bar was aware of his opinion of his partner.
that particular night was topped off by me ending up being chatted to by a rather attractive blonde. she approached me because i was writing in my journal and wanted to know what i was writing (it was a marketing plan – how dull) as she wanted to encourage her girlfriend to write. we chatted for a bit, i gave her some advice (yeah yeah those who can do those who can’t teach…) and i hope her girlfriend is writing now.
now i would never be able to approach someone like that – partly it’s an innate shyness and partly it’s because i just think after the first few words what would i have to say? but when it happens like that it is fun we had a pleasant chat, made my night and i even got a death stare from one of her female friends.
another night in the foundry i had to listen to a women talking utter drivel, because her voice was a slow down version of foghorn leghorns – so it didn’t matter where you were in the bar you couldn’t help but hear her, yet from her point of view she was just talking normally to her mates. she also had an unfortunately delivery where she repeated, i say she repeated some of her conversation over and over again as if repetition made it more impressive – it didn’t.
(i won’t mention the two late 20s blokes who were talking about bands like oasis, blur and suede as if they were still cutting edge… no i just wanted to slap them…)
recently i even got stopped on the tube by a drunken lady (who facially looked like a very very haggard tracey emin, physically though she looked like she was in need of a good meal, well several) she proceeded to tell me her story. how she had signed herself out of hospital to go and feed a mates dog, how the mate hadn’t told her he had taken the dog, how this was bad because she had travelling dvds and this was going to kill her (nope i don’t know what she was talking about and decided not to ask) she told me she had used up all her giro in dog food, she didn’t drink (it’s a given about alcoholics is that they think if they say they don’t drink or haven’t had one that day it makes it true and you can’t smell the booze on them – i remember my mum saying (often) she hadn’t had a drink when she clearly had a mug (yes a mug) of scotch in the table ..) again i didn’t point out to her she was sizzled. then i heard about her husband leaving her for another woman, she didn’t mind that as she couldn’t have sex with him (those travelling dvds again) but she hated him because he didn’t just tell her he was sleeping around he lied to her, so she had broken his walkman and some other stuff and was waiting in his flat for him. she didn’t mind lying to police of judges as they can take away your life, but was straight with other people, she swore a few times and then said pardon her language (after which it was exaggerated whispered swearing behind her hand). frankly i am not sure what the rest of the people on the tube thought of her but i was happy i had a chance to chat and laugh with her. i have no idea if she appreciated it, but i hope it made her smile a little bit.
i was also impressed by the fact she didn’t try to tap me up. classy woman.
i suppose the most radical approach i have had was while i was listening to laptoppy music at a club run by a friend of a friend. again there i was chin stroking and admiring the return key solo followed by the space bar crescendo when i was approached by an elfin blonde, she strode the length of the club made a beeline for me to ask, well almost demand: “who are you?” the answer was “no one, but my name is pat. what’s your name?” “vika” was the reply and then she left. now i must confess i was a little shocked by the whole event but just chalked it up as “oh the world is full of strange people). my pal joel on the other hand decided to run after her and get me her phone number. (thanks joel).
there is no relationship with vika, we occasionally bump into each at gigs, clubs or record stores and exchange a few words. she is very pretty, slightly odd and from east europe – i have to say it’s a winning combination. however vika is not someone who returns calls or emails seemingly preferring to let chance rule when we next see each other.
so sad to say when she walked passed me in tescos this evening i didn’t say hello. now partly this was down to shock at seeing her in my local tescos on a sunday evening and partly i thought well if you didn’t spot me then i will let you get on with your doings undisturbed by me.
yeah i know – dumb and stupid and yes i did regret it. but that brings me back to where this all started i am not a people person.
i enjoy the chance interaction when they occur but i am not going out of my way to start one up. so long may free gigs continue as they seem to be places where people will talk to people like me.
anyway why am i making this confession now? well part of it is that recently i have been going to lots of events, how i love free music events and venues. and the more of these i go to more i end up people watching and being amazed and stunned by those around me.
and before i go any further let me point out that i realise that i am socially dysfunctional, that most of the time i am less than civil and often like the sound of my own voice but have little to say. with that confession made i am also happy to admit that often i prefer my own company.
so there i have been recently sitting down chin stroking away to a mix of laptop and lo-fi avant-garde guitar music at places such as the foundry. around me people just do things that seem to me to be odd (and i fully admit it is all subjective and more than likely i am the one who is behaving oddly).
while i am supping my orange juice and listening i notice a very cute blonde (oh ok emma i know i shouldn’t letch – but at my age it’s the only pleasure i have…) she seems to be waiting for someone or isn’t quite sure what she is doing in the bar (and it’s not like the music wasn’t very good – it was), so she walked in and out a couple of times and then eventually sat down. shortly after she had sat down she was approached by an older bloke, blonde, goatee beard and baggy white shirt. when he sat down beside her i thought lucky bloke to have such a pretty friend. it was only later that i realised that actually he had just gone over to her in order to chat her up. a part of me was impressed as i just don’t have that much front to just plonk myself down next to a total stranger and start chatting to them.
to her credit she humoured him for awhile but the first opportunity she did do a runner on him.
he didn’t seem to upset or surprised by that.
shortly afterwards he was on the phone to his ex missus in the midst of what sounded like a huge barney about all manner of things from her kicking him out of the house, to her taking their child away, to her wanting money, various cuss words were uttered. this took place over several phones calls as they each hung up on the other one. to be honest it sounded like a totally shitty situation that they both found themselves in.
it’s another joy of the mobile phone – it brings your arguments to the rest of the world. me i think there are some things that should be done privately, that is one of them.
mind you there are times when an argument kicks off in a public space – as it did that night between a gay couple. they were sitting behind me and one of them spent the best part of 30 minutes berating and belittling the other one. it would have been so bad if it wasn’t for the fact his voice carried so pretty much everyone in the bar was aware of his opinion of his partner.
that particular night was topped off by me ending up being chatted to by a rather attractive blonde. she approached me because i was writing in my journal and wanted to know what i was writing (it was a marketing plan – how dull) as she wanted to encourage her girlfriend to write. we chatted for a bit, i gave her some advice (yeah yeah those who can do those who can’t teach…) and i hope her girlfriend is writing now.
now i would never be able to approach someone like that – partly it’s an innate shyness and partly it’s because i just think after the first few words what would i have to say? but when it happens like that it is fun we had a pleasant chat, made my night and i even got a death stare from one of her female friends.
another night in the foundry i had to listen to a women talking utter drivel, because her voice was a slow down version of foghorn leghorns – so it didn’t matter where you were in the bar you couldn’t help but hear her, yet from her point of view she was just talking normally to her mates. she also had an unfortunately delivery where she repeated, i say she repeated some of her conversation over and over again as if repetition made it more impressive – it didn’t.
(i won’t mention the two late 20s blokes who were talking about bands like oasis, blur and suede as if they were still cutting edge… no i just wanted to slap them…)
recently i even got stopped on the tube by a drunken lady (who facially looked like a very very haggard tracey emin, physically though she looked like she was in need of a good meal, well several) she proceeded to tell me her story. how she had signed herself out of hospital to go and feed a mates dog, how the mate hadn’t told her he had taken the dog, how this was bad because she had travelling dvds and this was going to kill her (nope i don’t know what she was talking about and decided not to ask) she told me she had used up all her giro in dog food, she didn’t drink (it’s a given about alcoholics is that they think if they say they don’t drink or haven’t had one that day it makes it true and you can’t smell the booze on them – i remember my mum saying (often) she hadn’t had a drink when she clearly had a mug (yes a mug) of scotch in the table ..) again i didn’t point out to her she was sizzled. then i heard about her husband leaving her for another woman, she didn’t mind that as she couldn’t have sex with him (those travelling dvds again) but she hated him because he didn’t just tell her he was sleeping around he lied to her, so she had broken his walkman and some other stuff and was waiting in his flat for him. she didn’t mind lying to police of judges as they can take away your life, but was straight with other people, she swore a few times and then said pardon her language (after which it was exaggerated whispered swearing behind her hand). frankly i am not sure what the rest of the people on the tube thought of her but i was happy i had a chance to chat and laugh with her. i have no idea if she appreciated it, but i hope it made her smile a little bit.
i was also impressed by the fact she didn’t try to tap me up. classy woman.
i suppose the most radical approach i have had was while i was listening to laptoppy music at a club run by a friend of a friend. again there i was chin stroking and admiring the return key solo followed by the space bar crescendo when i was approached by an elfin blonde, she strode the length of the club made a beeline for me to ask, well almost demand: “who are you?” the answer was “no one, but my name is pat. what’s your name?” “vika” was the reply and then she left. now i must confess i was a little shocked by the whole event but just chalked it up as “oh the world is full of strange people). my pal joel on the other hand decided to run after her and get me her phone number. (thanks joel).
there is no relationship with vika, we occasionally bump into each at gigs, clubs or record stores and exchange a few words. she is very pretty, slightly odd and from east europe – i have to say it’s a winning combination. however vika is not someone who returns calls or emails seemingly preferring to let chance rule when we next see each other.
so sad to say when she walked passed me in tescos this evening i didn’t say hello. now partly this was down to shock at seeing her in my local tescos on a sunday evening and partly i thought well if you didn’t spot me then i will let you get on with your doings undisturbed by me.
yeah i know – dumb and stupid and yes i did regret it. but that brings me back to where this all started i am not a people person.
i enjoy the chance interaction when they occur but i am not going out of my way to start one up. so long may free gigs continue as they seem to be places where people will talk to people like me.
Friday, June 17, 2005
jackson
so whacko got off. being billed as the best justice money can buy, which seems a little odd as jackson reportedly has so much debt that even african countries are trying to help him out... (ooh topical humour).
if it wasn’t bad enough that you were flat stone broke, that pretty much everyone in the world (aside from a number of deluded dedicated and devoted fans) think you are a kiddie fiddler, that your career is in the toilet and there is a chance that pictures of your willy will soon be floating around on the internet. now michael jackson has suffered a further indignity, perhaps the worst he could have suffered: he has been turned down by pr guru max collins.
it gets no worse than that.
collins is a big of an enigma to me – on the one hand he seems to be an alright bloke on the other he makes money out of other people’s misery (true he also makes sure that some people get what could be seen as their just deserts). i know i should like him, but i don’t. but in this instance i give him the benefit of the doubt and that he turned whacko jacko down not because the singer has no money or because the guaranteed failure to perform a pr miracle for mike would taint max. i believe max walked away because he like the rest of us just think that perhaps mike shouldn’t be allowed to have a come back.
(and no i haven’t relented against the rest of the adults who have been involved in this – all the adults who have now come forward to say we saw this and we saw that but at no time stepped in to either stop the shenanigans or alerted the authorities. all of them carry a bit of guilt for what they say went on…)
so hats off to max.
i expect bob “middle-of-a-shit-storm” geldof will soon be calling on max to help save live8.
if it wasn’t bad enough that you were flat stone broke, that pretty much everyone in the world (aside from a number of deluded dedicated and devoted fans) think you are a kiddie fiddler, that your career is in the toilet and there is a chance that pictures of your willy will soon be floating around on the internet. now michael jackson has suffered a further indignity, perhaps the worst he could have suffered: he has been turned down by pr guru max collins.
it gets no worse than that.
collins is a big of an enigma to me – on the one hand he seems to be an alright bloke on the other he makes money out of other people’s misery (true he also makes sure that some people get what could be seen as their just deserts). i know i should like him, but i don’t. but in this instance i give him the benefit of the doubt and that he turned whacko jacko down not because the singer has no money or because the guaranteed failure to perform a pr miracle for mike would taint max. i believe max walked away because he like the rest of us just think that perhaps mike shouldn’t be allowed to have a come back.
(and no i haven’t relented against the rest of the adults who have been involved in this – all the adults who have now come forward to say we saw this and we saw that but at no time stepped in to either stop the shenanigans or alerted the authorities. all of them carry a bit of guilt for what they say went on…)
so hats off to max.
i expect bob “middle-of-a-shit-storm” geldof will soon be calling on max to help save live8.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
jokes
some jokes i have read recently that have made me laugh.
why did the pervert cross the road?
because he couldn't get his knob out of the chicken.
what did the cannibal do when she dumped her boyfriend?
wiped her arse.
where do you find a dog with no legs?
where you left it.
what's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
a woman that won't do as she is told.
how do you make four old ladies swear?
get a fifth one to shout bingo.
as basil brush used to say boom boom!
normal service will be resumed shortly.
why did the pervert cross the road?
because he couldn't get his knob out of the chicken.
what did the cannibal do when she dumped her boyfriend?
wiped her arse.
where do you find a dog with no legs?
where you left it.
what's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
a woman that won't do as she is told.
how do you make four old ladies swear?
get a fifth one to shout bingo.
as basil brush used to say boom boom!
normal service will be resumed shortly.
Monday, June 13, 2005
mondays
start of the working week – check.
miserable weekend – check.
hay fever – check.
first coffee of the day – check.
too much work to do – check.
dash of self pity – check.
do i like mondays? about as much as i enjoy every other day.
(keep on like this and i will be writing lyrics for the next nine inch nails album)
miserable weekend – check.
hay fever – check.
first coffee of the day – check.
too much work to do – check.
dash of self pity – check.
do i like mondays? about as much as i enjoy every other day.
(keep on like this and i will be writing lyrics for the next nine inch nails album)
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
bono
the president of the usa and the prime minister of great britain held a press conference in washington today. in part it was about the forthcoming g8 meeting, in part it was about africa, it was about iraq and the war on terror. mainly i think it was about two allies just hanging out with each other while the rest of the world looked on.
after both had given speeches and both had thanked the other, there was a short q&a session.
andrew marr of the bbc chirped up and asked about africa, live8 and rock stars asking if it was just people like geldof et al mouthing rhetoric and nothing more.
president bush stepped in to partly answer the question.
he commented on how he had met bono and that how bono was a man of depth.
well there you go. high praise indeed mr bono. i am sure bono is all made up about that.
after both had given speeches and both had thanked the other, there was a short q&a session.
andrew marr of the bbc chirped up and asked about africa, live8 and rock stars asking if it was just people like geldof et al mouthing rhetoric and nothing more.
president bush stepped in to partly answer the question.
he commented on how he had met bono and that how bono was a man of depth.
well there you go. high praise indeed mr bono. i am sure bono is all made up about that.
batman
i am a comic fan, i admit it. i read comics, i read lots of them and i am proud of it. i collect comics and have quite a few of them (alight several thousands of the blighters) and i still get excited when i add to the collection. in short i am a comic geek.
for the comics industry the battle over the last 20 years or so has been to bring comics to a wider market, we fanboys maybe dedicated and devoted, but we are a dwindling bunch. at first it was thought that the more adult orientated comics of the indie scene might crack the market open as hip, trendy book reading type people flocked to read crumb, hernandez brothers, bode, pekar, speigelman et al. then it was the turn of creators (some would say visionaries) who took comic cliché and turned them on their heads and created works of enduring art – this was the time when comics weren’t just for kids. it was the time of creators such as alan moore and frank miller. recently the focus has been on manga and using the excitement and buzz that the recent interest in manga has caused to bring kids and women into comic stores and bookshops. to a large extent it has worked, with manga being one of the fastest growing categories in publishing in 2004.
but the perennial way of getting the outside world interested in comics has been to get the characters that appear on the printed page and put them somewhere else such as radio, tv, computer games and on the big screen. there have been some notable successes and failures in all these attempts.
the most recent two attempts to get comics and put them on the big screen have been wonderful events.
sin city (which i might write about at a later time) is a visual treat – both homage and a pastiche of film noir and pulp novels of mickey spillane. not only does it feature a bevy of babes but also has bruce willis. winner is what i say.
batman begins is frankly one of the best movies that has been made form a comic. i confess i was not looking forward to it. the trailers seemed all wrong being more like an ad for a horror movie than a superhero film. all the information i had seen about the movie made me think that they were about to make the same mistakes with the film that they had made on the previous movies. well all i can say is i was wrong they were right.
from start to finish the movie hits the right notes, christian bale is convincing both as batman and as bruce wayne (though his “batman” voice is not as good as michael keaton’s). the origin is handled very well as is the development of the batman. the rest of the cast is just as good. liam neeson is especially good being as he has to be as hard as nails and twice as mean (though why i am surprised by this i don’t know as liam has done a number of action roles in the past). even michael caine gives a fine performance as alfred. the action scenes are good, the fx are good, the soundtrack is good, the humour works well and comes at the right times. it is a well paced film that establishes the character and leaves us, not only wanting more, but knowing what might be coming up next.
sure there are some quibbles, but all these types of films are filled with plot holes and head scratching huh moments.
but this is a great film, well worth seeing. i know i will be off to see it again.
as to whether or not it will make people go and buy comics and start reading them again, i doubt it, but at least with this movie they get an idea of the magic that is in a comic and why people like me keep reading them month after month after month.
for the comics industry the battle over the last 20 years or so has been to bring comics to a wider market, we fanboys maybe dedicated and devoted, but we are a dwindling bunch. at first it was thought that the more adult orientated comics of the indie scene might crack the market open as hip, trendy book reading type people flocked to read crumb, hernandez brothers, bode, pekar, speigelman et al. then it was the turn of creators (some would say visionaries) who took comic cliché and turned them on their heads and created works of enduring art – this was the time when comics weren’t just for kids. it was the time of creators such as alan moore and frank miller. recently the focus has been on manga and using the excitement and buzz that the recent interest in manga has caused to bring kids and women into comic stores and bookshops. to a large extent it has worked, with manga being one of the fastest growing categories in publishing in 2004.
but the perennial way of getting the outside world interested in comics has been to get the characters that appear on the printed page and put them somewhere else such as radio, tv, computer games and on the big screen. there have been some notable successes and failures in all these attempts.
the most recent two attempts to get comics and put them on the big screen have been wonderful events.
sin city (which i might write about at a later time) is a visual treat – both homage and a pastiche of film noir and pulp novels of mickey spillane. not only does it feature a bevy of babes but also has bruce willis. winner is what i say.
batman begins is frankly one of the best movies that has been made form a comic. i confess i was not looking forward to it. the trailers seemed all wrong being more like an ad for a horror movie than a superhero film. all the information i had seen about the movie made me think that they were about to make the same mistakes with the film that they had made on the previous movies. well all i can say is i was wrong they were right.
from start to finish the movie hits the right notes, christian bale is convincing both as batman and as bruce wayne (though his “batman” voice is not as good as michael keaton’s). the origin is handled very well as is the development of the batman. the rest of the cast is just as good. liam neeson is especially good being as he has to be as hard as nails and twice as mean (though why i am surprised by this i don’t know as liam has done a number of action roles in the past). even michael caine gives a fine performance as alfred. the action scenes are good, the fx are good, the soundtrack is good, the humour works well and comes at the right times. it is a well paced film that establishes the character and leaves us, not only wanting more, but knowing what might be coming up next.
sure there are some quibbles, but all these types of films are filled with plot holes and head scratching huh moments.
but this is a great film, well worth seeing. i know i will be off to see it again.
as to whether or not it will make people go and buy comics and start reading them again, i doubt it, but at least with this movie they get an idea of the magic that is in a comic and why people like me keep reading them month after month after month.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
pepsi
normally i am a drinker of diet coke. i consume quite a lot of it, i don’t do it because i am on a diet (though shedding several pound wouldn’t go amiss) , i do it because i enjoy the taste of it. for some odd reason i think diet coke tastes better than regular coke.
recently the coke family has been added to by the arrival of diet lemon coke (lovely) and diet lime coke (mmm very nice) and unsurprisingly i have drunk a lot of both of them.
the other night, while on the way home from a club/gig where i had listened to some laptop music that had me doing a jazz chin stroke in appreciation (delectronica) i happened to pop (geddit!) into my local budgen’s express (it used to be a 7-11) and decided that i wanted a change in drink and headed over to where they keep the pepsi, i picked out a pepsi max from the less than cool fridge (why do they bother to have these fridges there is they are not even going to be cool?) paid and left. it was only when i got home that i noticed that what i had gotten hold of wasn’t a plain old regular pepsi max. no siree it was in fact a pepsi max lemon and lime twist. and let me tell you something it was a darned fine drink.
needless to say i have been back for more, several more in fact.
it reminded me of an article i once read in one of the marketing magazines that banged on about new product development (or npd in the lingo) and how it was very important, but also very difficult, for mature brands such as coke or pepsi to keep reinventing themselves not only as a brand image but also as a product (or brand extension – think kitkat cubes, or king-size twix (yummy) and you will know what i mean). the article went on and on about how much thought and consideration has to go into these things (think new coke and see how it can come a cropper… mmm should we think of the labour party before tony blair as classic labour ?) that development can take years. now i can see that with new cars or ovens or hoovers but fizzy drinks? come on how hard can it be?
apparently very. which might explain why there is only a limited range of new coke flavours on the market (lemon, lime, vanilla, cheery and for awhile there was a blueberry one). it got me to thinking what other flavours could you have? banana, orange, grape or peach ? peanut or maybe raisin ? perhaps go really healthy and add vegetable to mix diet cauliflower coke? mushy peas or sprouts? cabbage coke (mm not strike that too much foul gas coming off of that one to make it popular…) and then of course there is the perfect match of diet coke flavouring in such things as doughnuts, éclairs and cream cakes.
i am sure there are lots of other great tastes out there that can be merged with the tasted of coke and pepsi.
i do recommend the pepsi lemon and lime drink though. it’s very very tasty.
pepsi
coke
recently the coke family has been added to by the arrival of diet lemon coke (lovely) and diet lime coke (mmm very nice) and unsurprisingly i have drunk a lot of both of them.
the other night, while on the way home from a club/gig where i had listened to some laptop music that had me doing a jazz chin stroke in appreciation (delectronica) i happened to pop (geddit!) into my local budgen’s express (it used to be a 7-11) and decided that i wanted a change in drink and headed over to where they keep the pepsi, i picked out a pepsi max from the less than cool fridge (why do they bother to have these fridges there is they are not even going to be cool?) paid and left. it was only when i got home that i noticed that what i had gotten hold of wasn’t a plain old regular pepsi max. no siree it was in fact a pepsi max lemon and lime twist. and let me tell you something it was a darned fine drink.
needless to say i have been back for more, several more in fact.
it reminded me of an article i once read in one of the marketing magazines that banged on about new product development (or npd in the lingo) and how it was very important, but also very difficult, for mature brands such as coke or pepsi to keep reinventing themselves not only as a brand image but also as a product (or brand extension – think kitkat cubes, or king-size twix (yummy) and you will know what i mean). the article went on and on about how much thought and consideration has to go into these things (think new coke and see how it can come a cropper… mmm should we think of the labour party before tony blair as classic labour ?) that development can take years. now i can see that with new cars or ovens or hoovers but fizzy drinks? come on how hard can it be?
apparently very. which might explain why there is only a limited range of new coke flavours on the market (lemon, lime, vanilla, cheery and for awhile there was a blueberry one). it got me to thinking what other flavours could you have? banana, orange, grape or peach ? peanut or maybe raisin ? perhaps go really healthy and add vegetable to mix diet cauliflower coke? mushy peas or sprouts? cabbage coke (mm not strike that too much foul gas coming off of that one to make it popular…) and then of course there is the perfect match of diet coke flavouring in such things as doughnuts, éclairs and cream cakes.
i am sure there are lots of other great tastes out there that can be merged with the tasted of coke and pepsi.
i do recommend the pepsi lemon and lime drink though. it’s very very tasty.
pepsi
coke
Monday, June 06, 2005
sneeze
had my first attack of the hay fever last night. ugh.
expect me to be even more miserable and irritable then i have been.
yeah i know some of you might think that is a state of affairs that is not possible: trust me it is.
oh the joys of summer - hate it as much as i hate christmas.
expect me to be even more miserable and irritable then i have been.
yeah i know some of you might think that is a state of affairs that is not possible: trust me it is.
oh the joys of summer - hate it as much as i hate christmas.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
live8
oh how i hate this.
there is the music lover in me (yes i know i have just written about prog - but it is great stuff) who just looks at the line ups for the live8 events and goes ho hum, dull, dull, dull, dull and at best very best just plain old boring.
yes i realise that in many ways it is not about the music – it is about raising the issue and making everyone aware of it.
yes i realise that the performers who are giving their time and effort for the event deserve praise (well maybe not coldplay).
but already the posing and the posturing is growing to a level that will overshadow any good that comes from it.
unlike live aid this is not about raising money, this is about awareness and getting the g8 countries to help africa out of the terrible state it is in. this can be achieved by debt relief, fair and equal trade policies etc. in order to do it geldof and team want to show the leaders of the g8 that the people in the developed world are concerned about the situation in africa and want to see something done about it.
for some the fact this is coming from the developed countries of the west is seeing as being a replay of colonialism, and for some in this camp the live8 event is addressing the right issues of empowering africans to make the changes they need, but instead it is just another patronising pat on the head of africa.
for others it is just going to be a fashion accessory like the coloured bands they wear, feeling good that they have done a little for a cause, but not quite knowing what it is they have supported. there will that ironic moment when ebay will have tickets being offered for sale at over the odds prices, and naturally the good souls who are selling them there will give the profits to the make poverty history campaign (yeah right !)
for others (maybe the daily mail and such) live8 is potentially seen as being a jolly nice way of criticising the g8 without being anti-globalisation or anti-capitalist.
meanwhile you have bob geldof, bono and midge ure (who? remember him used to be in ultravox and was one of the key members of live aid, except that bob geldof seems to have become the only person associated with it, so poor old midge gets to speak only when the others are too busy or it’s to deal with the local press….) are beginning to shout out their sideshow patter to get people excited about the event, to get people involved in it.
midge has been speaking about the “million” march on edinburgh. the g8 is meeting there and bob and co want a million people to march to it and protest.
of course everyone is asking for the protests to be peaceful. the local police and local council have said mmm a million people might be hard to do, there might be problems, lets think this through properly.
to help accommodate the people descending on edinburgh (coming by foot, car, bus, boat, plane and train!) midge has “ urged every householder and religious institution in edinburgh to offer hospitality to the protesters.
"we want every church, chapel, synagogue and mosque to open their doors and let them in," “ (bbc)
the only question i have is are you opening up your pad to let these people in? well are you midge?
yeah i know i am being cynical – i hope it is a success, i hope it does make a difference. already i am praying that ronnine james dio isn’t looking to do a heavy metal version of this one……
either way i shan't be listening to it - the line up sucks.
there is the music lover in me (yes i know i have just written about prog - but it is great stuff) who just looks at the line ups for the live8 events and goes ho hum, dull, dull, dull, dull and at best very best just plain old boring.
yes i realise that in many ways it is not about the music – it is about raising the issue and making everyone aware of it.
yes i realise that the performers who are giving their time and effort for the event deserve praise (well maybe not coldplay).
but already the posing and the posturing is growing to a level that will overshadow any good that comes from it.
unlike live aid this is not about raising money, this is about awareness and getting the g8 countries to help africa out of the terrible state it is in. this can be achieved by debt relief, fair and equal trade policies etc. in order to do it geldof and team want to show the leaders of the g8 that the people in the developed world are concerned about the situation in africa and want to see something done about it.
for some the fact this is coming from the developed countries of the west is seeing as being a replay of colonialism, and for some in this camp the live8 event is addressing the right issues of empowering africans to make the changes they need, but instead it is just another patronising pat on the head of africa.
for others it is just going to be a fashion accessory like the coloured bands they wear, feeling good that they have done a little for a cause, but not quite knowing what it is they have supported. there will that ironic moment when ebay will have tickets being offered for sale at over the odds prices, and naturally the good souls who are selling them there will give the profits to the make poverty history campaign (yeah right !)
for others (maybe the daily mail and such) live8 is potentially seen as being a jolly nice way of criticising the g8 without being anti-globalisation or anti-capitalist.
meanwhile you have bob geldof, bono and midge ure (who? remember him used to be in ultravox and was one of the key members of live aid, except that bob geldof seems to have become the only person associated with it, so poor old midge gets to speak only when the others are too busy or it’s to deal with the local press….) are beginning to shout out their sideshow patter to get people excited about the event, to get people involved in it.
midge has been speaking about the “million” march on edinburgh. the g8 is meeting there and bob and co want a million people to march to it and protest.
of course everyone is asking for the protests to be peaceful. the local police and local council have said mmm a million people might be hard to do, there might be problems, lets think this through properly.
to help accommodate the people descending on edinburgh (coming by foot, car, bus, boat, plane and train!) midge has “ urged every householder and religious institution in edinburgh to offer hospitality to the protesters.
"we want every church, chapel, synagogue and mosque to open their doors and let them in," “ (bbc)
the only question i have is are you opening up your pad to let these people in? well are you midge?
yeah i know i am being cynical – i hope it is a success, i hope it does make a difference. already i am praying that ronnine james dio isn’t looking to do a heavy metal version of this one……
either way i shan't be listening to it - the line up sucks.
prog
for various reasons i am revisiting my prog rock collection. listening to old favourites (yes, elp, king crimson, styx, kansas, genesis, the nice etc etc) and discovering new bands of the prog pantheon.
when you mention prog in polite society you can almost hear the brain of the other person seize up, you can see their eyes glaze over and their silent prayer that the ground opens up and swallows them. it's at moments like these i realise two things:
1] that people who don't like prog are probably fans of crazy frog.
2] that prog is like faith you either understand it or you don't.
for those of you who want to know more about the wonders of prog go here.
time for me to go and listen to a long wig out between guitars, keyboards and epic vocals.
when you mention prog in polite society you can almost hear the brain of the other person seize up, you can see their eyes glaze over and their silent prayer that the ground opens up and swallows them. it's at moments like these i realise two things:
1] that people who don't like prog are probably fans of crazy frog.
2] that prog is like faith you either understand it or you don't.
for those of you who want to know more about the wonders of prog go here.
time for me to go and listen to a long wig out between guitars, keyboards and epic vocals.
Monday, May 30, 2005
viagra2
so now it makes you blind!
i thought it was only the five knuckle shuffle that did that.
apparently there have been 50 cases reported of degrees of blindness occurring from the uses of viagra. when you consider 20 million people have used it that doesn't seem too bad.
a spokesman is made reference to the fact that they are looking into updating ".. our language to reflect these rare ocular events that have occurred."
rare ocular events - have to love that.
but there is still one vital question that needs to be answered and one thing that viagra needs to be tested for: does it put hair on your palms?
i thought it was only the five knuckle shuffle that did that.
apparently there have been 50 cases reported of degrees of blindness occurring from the uses of viagra. when you consider 20 million people have used it that doesn't seem too bad.
a spokesman is made reference to the fact that they are looking into updating ".. our language to reflect these rare ocular events that have occurred."
rare ocular events - have to love that.
but there is still one vital question that needs to be answered and one thing that viagra needs to be tested for: does it put hair on your palms?
non
well the french have voted no to the european constitution (or as some are saying that it was no more than a cleaning up exercise bringing into line all the previous treaties).
i am, i confess, a bit of a eurosceptic. i admit that part of my reasoning is a touch of xenophobia, however there is also a feeling that the project will not work as intended, that there are too many cultural differences and too many national interests in competition for it to work smoothly for any length of time. i also fear that it will make people even more apathetic about politics as the decision making process becomes even more remote.
all that said, unlike maggie, i am still for turning if the argument is right.
oddly the arguments that are swaying me are from the anti-europeans, but they are making me pro europe.
if i hear another lorry driver whinge about the fact that 1] he is getting paid less because he can now only work 48 hours i will hunt him down and bitch slap him. frankly i do not want people who are tired at the wheel of those things (some of the drivers talk about working 100 hour weeks – given there are only 168 hours in a week i think we can all see there is a problem there). or 2] east europeans are doing the job cheaper – which isn’t necessarily the fault of the eu, it’s more to do with the fact his employer is happier to pay less to those who will take it.
if i hear another member of the cbi go on about how the eu threatens gb plc (and i fucking hate that…) but when asked to explain in which ways can only go “in lots of ways…” sadly they are never told “give examples or shut up.” (what the cbi doesn’t want to have to say is that they want the freedom to exploit workers – have them working longer hours, and for less money and rights, so given a chance they would happily ditch jolly english lorry driver for johnny foreigner driver in less time than it would take to change gears.)
then there are the conservative slime who do not bother to listen to other people’s point of view preferring to speak across them and over them, sneering at their comments, but then fly into a hissy fit of epic proportion the moment anyone tries to interrupt their flow with a comment.
its people like that who make me think maybe the eu isn’t such a bad thing after all.
i am, i confess, a bit of a eurosceptic. i admit that part of my reasoning is a touch of xenophobia, however there is also a feeling that the project will not work as intended, that there are too many cultural differences and too many national interests in competition for it to work smoothly for any length of time. i also fear that it will make people even more apathetic about politics as the decision making process becomes even more remote.
all that said, unlike maggie, i am still for turning if the argument is right.
oddly the arguments that are swaying me are from the anti-europeans, but they are making me pro europe.
if i hear another lorry driver whinge about the fact that 1] he is getting paid less because he can now only work 48 hours i will hunt him down and bitch slap him. frankly i do not want people who are tired at the wheel of those things (some of the drivers talk about working 100 hour weeks – given there are only 168 hours in a week i think we can all see there is a problem there). or 2] east europeans are doing the job cheaper – which isn’t necessarily the fault of the eu, it’s more to do with the fact his employer is happier to pay less to those who will take it.
if i hear another member of the cbi go on about how the eu threatens gb plc (and i fucking hate that…) but when asked to explain in which ways can only go “in lots of ways…” sadly they are never told “give examples or shut up.” (what the cbi doesn’t want to have to say is that they want the freedom to exploit workers – have them working longer hours, and for less money and rights, so given a chance they would happily ditch jolly english lorry driver for johnny foreigner driver in less time than it would take to change gears.)
then there are the conservative slime who do not bother to listen to other people’s point of view preferring to speak across them and over them, sneering at their comments, but then fly into a hissy fit of epic proportion the moment anyone tries to interrupt their flow with a comment.
its people like that who make me think maybe the eu isn’t such a bad thing after all.
priests
my parents were confused as to what they wanted me to be when i grew up. my dad, ever the practical one, thought i should enter the pub and club game. be a publican just like he was. it was all about the gift of the gab he would say (something that both my parents had in abundance), it was all about being friendly to the customer, and it was all about having a good time. my dad painted a great picture of being in the booze trade. to be sure both mum and dad seemingly enjoyed their time in the trade.
in his years of being in the game my dad met some interesting people the krays (who visited his pub in the east end – i am sure it wasn’t for a chitchat more for the protection money, but they visited it) then there was frank sinatra (oops i can see a gangster theme growing here … so lets move on), the bishop of london and even for one brief moment deep purple came to drink in one of his pubs (my mum made them sandwiches and i got to see them rehearse).
the downside? the hours – long and hard, the customers – mainly drunk and boring and of course the killer: it made you an alcoholic (i am sure it has changed since then but at the time everyone i knew who worked in a pub had a drink problem). both my parents could drink and drink and drink, both my parents denied they had a problem.
so as much as the pub game may have been attractive i just knew it was not for me. i had seen what it had done to my parents.
my mum she had her heart set on my becoming a priest. i suppose it is the dream of every catholic mum – to see her boy standing there giving mass. now what was odd about this was my mum was from a large irish family who when they got together would tell stories of the brutal punishments they received at the hands of priests and nuns while they were at school. (the worst the nuns ever did to me was making me eat my greens or i would have no pudding and make me stand in the corner when i arsed about playing ring-a-ring-a-roses…so no tearful chartbusting biography from me then, i suppose i could make it all up though.)
while they would never say it to me i think both of them were slightly disappointed in me when at first i wanted to be a copper (i couldn’t be because i was colour blind) and then i went off to polytechnic to get a degree. from the moment i went into academia they thought i was lost.
so what you say, what is this all about?
this is what it’s about priests and beermats. the catholic church is seeing the number of priests it has declined; this is especially true in london, so in the way of any great organisation it is going to launch a recruitment campaign. the campaign will appear on billboards, in london underground stations and on beermats.
yes you read that right beermats.
now trust me on this i have met a few priests in my time and while i can’t swear that they all like the choir boys i do know that they liked to drink a few drinks of the strong stuff. and to be fair who can blame them as boring as most of your regular customers are going to be in a pub they are going to be even worse in a church – at least as a publican you are not trying to save their immortal soul.
the last priests i met where to do with my mum. firstly there was the irish priest in the hospital she was in for tests on her heart. she was very nervous (as was i) and this grand old fellah of a priest came round to set everyone’s minds at rest. well if his breath was not a give away then his nose sure was – it would not have looked out of place on rudolph. all my mum could think of was could she have some of what he was having…
the next priest i was a few weeks later and he was saying mass at my mum’s funeral and frankly he looked like he could have done with a drink or three himself. he seemed to have tremendous trouble with the service. his discomfort at the whole thing made it a little easier for me to get through it without breaking down. frankly if he had asked me to join him in a glass of the hard stuff i would have joined him.
so perhaps i can at last please both my parents by joining the priesthood but doing so via a link with the brewing industry.
in his years of being in the game my dad met some interesting people the krays (who visited his pub in the east end – i am sure it wasn’t for a chitchat more for the protection money, but they visited it) then there was frank sinatra (oops i can see a gangster theme growing here … so lets move on), the bishop of london and even for one brief moment deep purple came to drink in one of his pubs (my mum made them sandwiches and i got to see them rehearse).
the downside? the hours – long and hard, the customers – mainly drunk and boring and of course the killer: it made you an alcoholic (i am sure it has changed since then but at the time everyone i knew who worked in a pub had a drink problem). both my parents could drink and drink and drink, both my parents denied they had a problem.
so as much as the pub game may have been attractive i just knew it was not for me. i had seen what it had done to my parents.
my mum she had her heart set on my becoming a priest. i suppose it is the dream of every catholic mum – to see her boy standing there giving mass. now what was odd about this was my mum was from a large irish family who when they got together would tell stories of the brutal punishments they received at the hands of priests and nuns while they were at school. (the worst the nuns ever did to me was making me eat my greens or i would have no pudding and make me stand in the corner when i arsed about playing ring-a-ring-a-roses…so no tearful chartbusting biography from me then, i suppose i could make it all up though.)
while they would never say it to me i think both of them were slightly disappointed in me when at first i wanted to be a copper (i couldn’t be because i was colour blind) and then i went off to polytechnic to get a degree. from the moment i went into academia they thought i was lost.
so what you say, what is this all about?
this is what it’s about priests and beermats. the catholic church is seeing the number of priests it has declined; this is especially true in london, so in the way of any great organisation it is going to launch a recruitment campaign. the campaign will appear on billboards, in london underground stations and on beermats.
yes you read that right beermats.
now trust me on this i have met a few priests in my time and while i can’t swear that they all like the choir boys i do know that they liked to drink a few drinks of the strong stuff. and to be fair who can blame them as boring as most of your regular customers are going to be in a pub they are going to be even worse in a church – at least as a publican you are not trying to save their immortal soul.
the last priests i met where to do with my mum. firstly there was the irish priest in the hospital she was in for tests on her heart. she was very nervous (as was i) and this grand old fellah of a priest came round to set everyone’s minds at rest. well if his breath was not a give away then his nose sure was – it would not have looked out of place on rudolph. all my mum could think of was could she have some of what he was having…
the next priest i was a few weeks later and he was saying mass at my mum’s funeral and frankly he looked like he could have done with a drink or three himself. he seemed to have tremendous trouble with the service. his discomfort at the whole thing made it a little easier for me to get through it without breaking down. frankly if he had asked me to join him in a glass of the hard stuff i would have joined him.
so perhaps i can at last please both my parents by joining the priesthood but doing so via a link with the brewing industry.
Friday, May 27, 2005
4000
blimey i had only just gotten to 3000 hits and now all of a sudden i have reached 4000.
i know it is a shallow thing to admit to - but it has made me a little bundle of happiness.
(ok just mildly happy, and i won't let it affect my daily diet of being the most miserable man in the world... i have yet to actually crowned to that position but i am working at it).
i know it is a shallow thing to admit to - but it has made me a little bundle of happiness.
(ok just mildly happy, and i won't let it affect my daily diet of being the most miserable man in the world... i have yet to actually crowned to that position but i am working at it).
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
lightsabre
i still remember walking down regents street the night i first saw star wars. i was with my mate monty, he was uttering his, soon to be immortal, catch phrase “brainblast”, i was quoting lines from the film and we were both wielding the movie posters we bought as if they were lightsabres.
a large chunk of the following years was spent making the noises of the lightsabre flaring into life and then humming.
ewan mcgregor tells a tale of how george lucas insisted that no one on set mimicked the sounds of the lightsabre (and so proving that he might have made the most popular movie series in history but he missed out on the fun of it!)
in short the lightsabre has become iconic. well not that it would have been hard for that to happen when you consider the fascination for swords that kids have.
but i suspect that kids would have more sense than these potential winners of the darwin award
imagine the scene if you will. three people go into the woodlands, one has a video camera the other two want to re-enact scenes from one of their favourite movies. perhaps this film will be the break they need, perhaps it will get them noticed and have them planting their first steps on the road to stardom?
they are going to film a mock duel and because. it is going to be based on star wars they are using fluorescent light tubes!!
say what!! yeah you read that right fluorescent light tubes – you know fragile glass tubes that are used to light rooms.
ok so swinging one of those things around is going to be a bit dangerous – you know they hit each other, they smash and shatter. ouch ouch and big ouch.
but hold on a minute – we’re making a movie here – so just swinging glass tubes isn’t going to cut it we want them to be like lightsabres.
no electricity in the woodlands. what’s a filmmaker to do?
solution?
you fill the fluorescent light tubes with petrol.
pardon – you heard - you fill the fluorescent light tubes with petrol. and that is how you make a lightsabre.
er... actually it’s how you end up in hospital because (and this should come as no surprise) as one of the tubes exploded. a 17 year old woman and 20 year old man are now currently in a specialist burns unit. meanwhile their movie making friend is helping the police.
those of you who have followed the myth of star wars will know that anakin is burnt horribly before he eventually becomes darth vader. so is this a case of life following art? or just stupid people doing stupid things and suffering the consequences?
you decide.
a pat public warning – if you want to have a lightsabre duel buy one of the hasbro toy versions, trying to make anything with fluorescent light tubes if you are not dan flavin is not cool and is going to end up with someone crying.
a large chunk of the following years was spent making the noises of the lightsabre flaring into life and then humming.
ewan mcgregor tells a tale of how george lucas insisted that no one on set mimicked the sounds of the lightsabre (and so proving that he might have made the most popular movie series in history but he missed out on the fun of it!)
in short the lightsabre has become iconic. well not that it would have been hard for that to happen when you consider the fascination for swords that kids have.
but i suspect that kids would have more sense than these potential winners of the darwin award
imagine the scene if you will. three people go into the woodlands, one has a video camera the other two want to re-enact scenes from one of their favourite movies. perhaps this film will be the break they need, perhaps it will get them noticed and have them planting their first steps on the road to stardom?
they are going to film a mock duel and because. it is going to be based on star wars they are using fluorescent light tubes!!
say what!! yeah you read that right fluorescent light tubes – you know fragile glass tubes that are used to light rooms.
ok so swinging one of those things around is going to be a bit dangerous – you know they hit each other, they smash and shatter. ouch ouch and big ouch.
but hold on a minute – we’re making a movie here – so just swinging glass tubes isn’t going to cut it we want them to be like lightsabres.
no electricity in the woodlands. what’s a filmmaker to do?
solution?
you fill the fluorescent light tubes with petrol.
pardon – you heard - you fill the fluorescent light tubes with petrol. and that is how you make a lightsabre.
er... actually it’s how you end up in hospital because (and this should come as no surprise) as one of the tubes exploded. a 17 year old woman and 20 year old man are now currently in a specialist burns unit. meanwhile their movie making friend is helping the police.
those of you who have followed the myth of star wars will know that anakin is burnt horribly before he eventually becomes darth vader. so is this a case of life following art? or just stupid people doing stupid things and suffering the consequences?
you decide.
a pat public warning – if you want to have a lightsabre duel buy one of the hasbro toy versions, trying to make anything with fluorescent light tubes if you are not dan flavin is not cool and is going to end up with someone crying.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
geek2
the return to work meant just one thing: talking about star wars revenge of the sith. the conversation ranged over the links between this and the previous films, the subtle use of camera angles, the meaningful story and how elements shown in previous movies come to fruition in this one, of how this one neatly led into the classic star wars: new hope movie. we discussed, dissected and debated the merits of the film, we pondered and thought and in the end we declared it good.
well except for one person who said (and i kid you not) “i think i enjoyed it”. nothing like sitting on the fence is there?
anyway this is just to say that is good to be a geek.
now bring on batman begins and you will see me in full geek flow.
well except for one person who said (and i kid you not) “i think i enjoyed it”. nothing like sitting on the fence is there?
anyway this is just to say that is good to be a geek.
now bring on batman begins and you will see me in full geek flow.
parenthood
there are some days when i realise that i am turning into my dad. in most circumstances this would not be a bad thing – my dad was a fine man, a hard worker who provided the best he could for his family. sure he was an alcoholic, sure he could tell porky pies the size of canary wharf and sure he never got my age right. worst of all my dad was a supporter of the tory party and a reader of the daily express (back when it was a real newspaper), the daily mail and for good measure the news of the world. oh the shame of it.
you can pretty much guess there wasn’t a lot we agreed on politically.
and like all good sons i swore never to be like my parents.
when i had my moment of parenthood (basically for several years i dated, lived with and loved a single mother and part of that meant i looked after her child). i tried my best to be a good “dad” in many ways i succeeded (if only because he became a fan of rock music, sf and comics), along the way i learnt that being a parent isn’t as easy as my mum and dad made it look, and i also had my first “oh no i am turning into my dad” moments (another one was when i was watching tv many years ago and on came sarah brightman and not only did i think mmm she has a good voice, but i found myself thinking mmm she’s attractive… and for those few moments i was my dad!)
so where is this going? you ask. well partly it is to say that my short time in the trenches of parenthood showed me that bring up a child was a heavy responsibility and not something to be done lightly. while lots of people talk about the rights of adults to have children i find myself wanting to shout its night a right it’s a privilege and not one that should be granted lightly. (hell you have to have a license to drive – but all you need to do to have a child is get hot and sweaty for a few minutes…)
what has brought on this near reactionary rant (ok it is a reactionary rant that may as well be a letter to the daily mail from “angry of east london”)?
well it is the following tale of three sisters. three sisters who all became mums within months of each other. ah such a nice heart warming tale – except the mums are 12, 14 and 16. jemma 12 (now 14) was the first to become pregnant, followed by jade (then 14 now 15) and natasha (then 16 – now 18).
their mum, julie (38) was shocked to discover that her 12 year old was pregnant, she found out 7 months in “i only found out when i took her to buy a new bra and as she was being measured i saw her huge bump.” julie doesn’t see this as a failing on her part of being a parent, nope not her fault, of course it is the state’s fault that all three of her underage daughters have gotten pregnant and given birth. "i don't care what people say about me. i blame the schools, sex education for young girls should be better." (daily mail) it is nice to know that she is providing a positive role model to her 3 daughters.
(one of my friends did comment that sometimes that parents can’t be aware of what their children are up to 24 hours of everyday, and the mum shouldn’t be totally vilified. have to say i am not sure i share his liberal views on this – once would be bad enough but for all three to have gotten pregnant….. )
anyway jemma is upset because the dad has had no dealings with her or his child, which she has christened t-jay (poor little blighter doubly cursed, he’s got a mum who thinks giving him a name that sounds like a brand of trainers is cool….) , meanwhile natasha has named her daughter amine (at first it appeared she couldn’t spell armani, but the dad is asian so i am hoping the name is of asian origin) oh by the way natasha’s lover is 38 (and according to the sun (and we all trust the sun don’t we?) natasha has had two miscarriages and an abortion).
jade has named her daughter lita.
the upside of the story is that the kids (all 6 of them) shouldn’t need for anything as they are receiving benefits of around £600 a week between them.
and i am hoping that the “sensational” nature of the reporting precludes an account of how social services are trying to help steer 3 very young women through this difficult situation, after all that can’t expect too much support from their mum who seems happy to blame the schools for not teaching her daughters not to have 1] underage sex 2] not to have unprotected sex if you are going to have it. i mean it’s not like julie didn’t have a chance to point out to natasha after the first miscarriage “look luv take the pill or just say no….”
still i bet julie had a helping hand making sure her grandson got a name he could be proud of. ah if only johnny cash was around today he would be singing “a boy named t-jay” and i tell you something it works just as well.
and i am becoming more like my dad everyday...
you can pretty much guess there wasn’t a lot we agreed on politically.
and like all good sons i swore never to be like my parents.
when i had my moment of parenthood (basically for several years i dated, lived with and loved a single mother and part of that meant i looked after her child). i tried my best to be a good “dad” in many ways i succeeded (if only because he became a fan of rock music, sf and comics), along the way i learnt that being a parent isn’t as easy as my mum and dad made it look, and i also had my first “oh no i am turning into my dad” moments (another one was when i was watching tv many years ago and on came sarah brightman and not only did i think mmm she has a good voice, but i found myself thinking mmm she’s attractive… and for those few moments i was my dad!)
so where is this going? you ask. well partly it is to say that my short time in the trenches of parenthood showed me that bring up a child was a heavy responsibility and not something to be done lightly. while lots of people talk about the rights of adults to have children i find myself wanting to shout its night a right it’s a privilege and not one that should be granted lightly. (hell you have to have a license to drive – but all you need to do to have a child is get hot and sweaty for a few minutes…)
what has brought on this near reactionary rant (ok it is a reactionary rant that may as well be a letter to the daily mail from “angry of east london”)?
well it is the following tale of three sisters. three sisters who all became mums within months of each other. ah such a nice heart warming tale – except the mums are 12, 14 and 16. jemma 12 (now 14) was the first to become pregnant, followed by jade (then 14 now 15) and natasha (then 16 – now 18).
their mum, julie (38) was shocked to discover that her 12 year old was pregnant, she found out 7 months in “i only found out when i took her to buy a new bra and as she was being measured i saw her huge bump.” julie doesn’t see this as a failing on her part of being a parent, nope not her fault, of course it is the state’s fault that all three of her underage daughters have gotten pregnant and given birth. "i don't care what people say about me. i blame the schools, sex education for young girls should be better." (daily mail) it is nice to know that she is providing a positive role model to her 3 daughters.
(one of my friends did comment that sometimes that parents can’t be aware of what their children are up to 24 hours of everyday, and the mum shouldn’t be totally vilified. have to say i am not sure i share his liberal views on this – once would be bad enough but for all three to have gotten pregnant….. )
anyway jemma is upset because the dad has had no dealings with her or his child, which she has christened t-jay (poor little blighter doubly cursed, he’s got a mum who thinks giving him a name that sounds like a brand of trainers is cool….) , meanwhile natasha has named her daughter amine (at first it appeared she couldn’t spell armani, but the dad is asian so i am hoping the name is of asian origin) oh by the way natasha’s lover is 38 (and according to the sun (and we all trust the sun don’t we?) natasha has had two miscarriages and an abortion).
jade has named her daughter lita.
the upside of the story is that the kids (all 6 of them) shouldn’t need for anything as they are receiving benefits of around £600 a week between them.
and i am hoping that the “sensational” nature of the reporting precludes an account of how social services are trying to help steer 3 very young women through this difficult situation, after all that can’t expect too much support from their mum who seems happy to blame the schools for not teaching her daughters not to have 1] underage sex 2] not to have unprotected sex if you are going to have it. i mean it’s not like julie didn’t have a chance to point out to natasha after the first miscarriage “look luv take the pill or just say no….”
still i bet julie had a helping hand making sure her grandson got a name he could be proud of. ah if only johnny cash was around today he would be singing “a boy named t-jay” and i tell you something it works just as well.
and i am becoming more like my dad everyday...
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