cuntsultancy

times are rough at there. woolworths and mfi, two staples of the uk retail scene, have gone into administration. banks take lots of money from the government, though seemingly not enough to actually lend cash to people. car manufacturers want government help. captains of industry turn their back on the principles of the free market and bend their knee in order to say: “please sir, can i have more?”
times are tough.

when things are tough, that is when the tough get going.
in the world of business the toughest of the tough are those crack troops: the consultants.
they parachute in, they survey the scene, they make tactical decisions, they give orders for strategic goals and then leave in the dead of night to go in order to solve the next crisis. they don’t stop for thanks; for consultants don’t need thanks it is all part of the sacred mission.
the only thing that consultants stop for is to cash the cheque and laugh at the money they are getting for old rope.

before i entered this period of post-employment i was lucky enough to benefit from the skills and knowledge of two highly paid consultants. one, rw, was employed on a short-term contract to set up a new division of the company in the uk market. the other, dl, has become a permanent “advisor” to the company.
both paid a hefty wedge of cash, neither providing value for money.
dl has been a part of the company for many years, a smiling affable figure who will happily attend many of the company’s social functions. dl is a financial type person who seems to sit on the fringes of big decisions taking notes (and i have to say i have never seen as expert a note taker as dl – they are lovely), and acting as a go-between for the management teams in the uk and the usa.
other than that i am not sure what else dl does.
one of my favourite dl stories was the last high profile set of redundancies at the company and dl had to pass the news on to one of my colleagues that he was being let go. dl huffed and puffed until in the end my colleague said, “i am being made redundant”. relief all around. (i have to add a caveat here – this story was told to me by my ex-colleague, so it may be false, but given all i know about dl it is a story i like).

the other consultant was rw, brought in to set up new systems, break new grounds and establish a brand new division for the company. initially rw was on a six-month contract. it all started well. rw keen to learn how our core business worked so it could be integrated into the new business.
rw demonstrated one of the key talents of being a consultant: look the part.
rw looked the part.
more importantly rw sounded the part as well – lots of consultancy type speak all in a cut class accent.
as the end of the contract came closer and closer it was apparent that not that much had been achieved, and then others had done most of the work. now this is where another key skill of the consultant comes to the fore: survival. trust me if there is ever a nuclear disaster stay clear of sas trained officers and latch on to a consultant they cannot be eradicated.
amazingly rw got a contract extension.
when rw finally left (demonstrating another skill: exit strategy. knowing when to leave is key) the new division had been established and it was successful but this was more to do with the hard work and dedication of other members of the company than it was to do with rw. yet in company despatches rw was praised to the heavens, this demonstrating another crucial skill: self-promotion. for consultants it is important to take the credit and as little of the blame as possible. when something works it is because of the consultant, when it fails it is because the company/staff are not implementing the consultant’s plans properly.

so what has all this to do with the price of coffee?
i am sure that there are times when consultants do prove their worth, i am sure there are times when all companies could benefit from having a fresh pair of eyes looking over their business practices and recommending areas of improvement. my limited experience is that it hasn’t worked.

but i know i know you are wondering what on earth has brought this on? no i haven’t been reading tom peters recently. it was a comment on the radio from a consultant that sparked this off. the retail consultant was asked what he would recommend that retailers do in the current climate. remember that climate includes woolworths and mfi in administration, retailers starting sales in november rather than january, more and more doom and gloom about the financial situation in the media (though for all that one recent report said that retail spending was down 1% from the previous period).
the show’s presenter waited with baited breath for the answer.
the show’s audience all stopped ready to catch the pearl of wisdom that the consultant was about to drop.
tick tock tick tock the short seconds before the answer were like an eternity and then it came, like a tsunami of truth: the answer.
the consultant said that retailers should be doing their best to do what they do right.
he shoots he scores.
slam dunk.
kerchink!

the presenter’s response? “surely they should be doing that anyway?” which is why they present and don’t consult.

consultants? they con and insult you while they take your money, bizarrely business keep going back for more.

(this advertorial is on behalf of the patcon group – cheap advice for a price).