pedestrian

i was at a talk given by ken livingstone the other night. ostensibly it was about art, mostly it was about how ken was a nice chap and should be mayor of london, and nothing wrong with that. it was the first time that i have seen ken live - he is a comfortable public speaker who gets his point across very well and knows how to keep an audience listening. there is a nice level of self-deprecating humour mixed in the serious political message.
as with most of these sorts of 'self-interested' meetings there is a level of bollocks (to use a word ken is fond of) spoken. so you have the argument that art should not be elitist - but everyone was quick to deride the music/tv of simon cowell or the movies of large hollywood studios. or that artists are there to challenge and, if needs be offend, though not if that challenge/offensive is towards a group that needs to be 'protected'. art should be free of control or censorship but should be funded by the state (not by big corporations because they are bad, they are very bad, no in fact they are scum - until they start buying my work).
the contradictions didn't seem to bother people there.

mr. livingstone was making a point about access to art and ethnic miniorities he did it in terms of economic prosperit/security. his wider point was that when we are comfortable and secure we are more likely to be progressive in our outlook. when we are trying to make ends meet we just concentrate on the necessities (it is only when we have nothing to lose that we become revolutionary). so he went on because the black community is very poor art is not high on the list of priorities. i guess it depends on how you define art (and mr. livingstone had a very wide definition), but it is true go to any major art gallery in london and the proportion of ethnic faces you see is small. go to the smaller commercial galleries and seeing an ethnic gallery goer is rarer than seeing a decent piece of work by bob and roberta smith.
yet poverty can't be held up as the cause as the national gallery, the national portrait gallery, tate modern and tate britain are free to enter and there are enough works in them all to keep people busy for quite awhile.
it may just be that some people depending on their age or cultural background are just not interested in gallery art. or it may just be that they are not aware that this stuff is there and it is free to them to go and view.

mr. livingstone said he was keen to keep museums and galleries in london free to enter. yay him.
yet there was an animator in the audience who wanted to know what ken was going to do for their animation company. the question i wanted to ask was: why should anyone do anything to help your company? most of us who work in the more mundane world of offices don't get subsidies to do the things we like - so i am not sure that just because you can't make an adequate living (though the expensive blinged branded jeans the questioner was wearing implied they were not short of a bob or two) doing the job you have decided is arty enough for you that you should be able to dip into the public purse.
subsidy is good if a mass of people can appreciate or enjoy the benefits of it.
subsidy is a waste of money if it just means a minority group gets to enjoy a minority interest art form while the rest of us scratch our heads and look on.

on the one hand we hear about the democratisation of creativity due to the internet - we can all be singers, dancers, actors, directors, artists now - the web frees us. on the other hand we are still being told that it only matters when it is in the 'defined' space for it.
the problem is artists want to be 'different' from the rest of us - they are elitists because only they have the vision to turn the squiggles or blurred images into art, when the rest of us do it is is just doodling or taking snaps. at the same time artists want to be of the people - they want us to accept that they speak to us through shared emotions and experiences that really we are the same just they have found a way to express what we all feel.
like any club the creative world wants to exlude the mass - it develops its own language and if you do not understand that language you are not part of the fraternity. woe betide anyone who just happens to say something along the lines of 'i don't know much about art but i know what i like' because it isn't about what you like it is about using polysyllabic words and dense concepts to explain why it is worthy of attention.

yet none of this was why i started writing this - it has been one long digression.
one of ken's techniques is to appear to be one of the people. we are just alike me and him.
he was keen to piont out that politics was not exciting, that is was really just a series of long dull meetings going over the minutia of plans. how we all giggled to discover that politicians had to do mundane work like the rest of us.
ken: just like us.
ken who has a pedestrian life: just like you and i.

except he undercut it a little by his regular references to his trips to shanghai and beijing as guest of the chinese government.
or how he had just finished his autobiography. something very few of us will ever do.
or how his autobiography had been offered up in a bidding war. something that is going to happen to even fewer of us (though rumour has it that the 'good english society' is getting a fund together in pay jay to stop writing a hobbit's journal).

still ken is a good speaker, isn't a tory and isn't boris so he should be the next mayor of london and you can sign up for his campaign website here. go on you know it makes sense.

hot

was too hot today.
it will get worse.
i will suffer. i will moan. i will be miserable.

oh nothing new there then.

recovery

the confederation of british industry says that britain's growth will be patchy and slow, but hey growth is growth. (they have revised their figures down from 1.8 to 1.7% growth, once again proving that economics is pretty much a guessing game.)
house prices have fallen.
centrica, owners of british gas, are warning that fuel prices will rise meaning they will be putting up the price of energy (again).
policy exchange, a right wing think tank, are on about the gap between public sector and private sector pay. they imply it is a bad thing that the public sector get paid more than the private sector - odd how they don't say that minimum wage is bad or that the money that ceo's pay themselves is too much for what they do. much easier to blame stuff on the public sector.

still it is not all bad.
it is not all doom and gloom.
there is a ray of sunshine out there for us all to latch onto.
according to the sunday times' rich list for 2011 it appears that for the richest in britain funds are booming and it is like they never had the recession (so they won't be too worried about the increase in the cost of gas). it just proves the old saw: money goes to money.
like i say this is a good thing.
according to the mantra of the camerons and osbornes of the world that the rich have become even rich is a benefit to the rest of us because as they spend money we all benefit. i is the trickle down effect. to be honest i am still waiting for my cut of the sale of hyde park 1 (the most expensive flat in london) though i am sure when it arrives it will be a life changer for me. also if the rich have gotten richer it probably means they are not actually spending money they are keeping it to themselves - sort of like the banks.
so don't worry about rising prices or squeezed wages - just thank your lucky stars that there are a few very rich people out there who might trickle some of their wealth to you.

difference

they say a week is a long time in politics.

sometimes you hear people say 'what a difference a day makes'.
for nick clegg and the liberal democrats the sands of time are running out.

we know it.
they know it.
nick knows it.
so what do they do?

on the one hand you have vince cable calling the conservative party a bunch of names - but saying that the coalition has to go on, only now it will be with a more business style relationship.
too late vince.

on the other hand nick clegg has decided that the liberal democrats are the ones to protect the national health service. really?
today he was telling us that 'no bill is better than a bad bill'; that he wants to protect the nhs, he wants an evolution not a disruptive revolution. perhaps nick clegg really does mean what he says, but like vince it is all too little and it is all too late.

here is a question for you nick (i know nick reads this - he needs something to brighten up his miserable days - imagine what it must be like to go into the office each day knowing that no one really likes you or trusts you and that you get all the blame for everything), sorry i digressed there. back on track.
here is a question for you nick: what is suddenly so different about the proposed nhs changes that this week you are a staunch defender of the nhs faith, when last week you weren't saying much about it?
is the answer that you got so trounced in the local elections you are trying to show that you are not the tory lapdogs and that this is your attempt to show that liberal democrats are still a party worth voting for?
or is the answer that you really do believe in the national health service?

nick i would give you the benefit of the doubt - but really all this posturing about you standing up for the nhs, you weren't doing it a week ago, this is just you playing politics with the health of the population.
come what may i doubt you will do the one thing that could make a difference, now that you have tasted power you are not going to give it up too easily. shame it looks like that if you want to keep it you will have to become a conservative.
oh you pretty much are one now.

danger

it seems the more we know the more we worry.
it seems that the point of most health research is to throw a bit of a scare into people.
i know i do not have a healthly lifestyle, but at least i can justify it by claiming that i have an addictive personality (which isn't to say that when people get a hit of pat that they have o come back for more the next day, just that i am easily addicted to stuff, luckily for me i am not adventurous so i seem to be addicted to coffee, cola and chocolate... oh and pizza, doughnuts and cream cakes).
yet even if i had a healthy lifestyle reading about what causes this or that, or leads to one thing or another would be enough to make you wrap yourself in cotton wool and never leave the flat.
the question of a stroke never occurred to me and so never played part of those modern worries we all have. then i saw the result of some research (which is never quite as comprehensive as it should be before being quoted all over the place).
the ten greatest risk factors for a stroke are:

coffee - well i am truly screwed on this one.

vigorous exercise - phew saved here, although i had planned to go out running again, now maybe not.
nose blowing - this has to be  worry during winter, perhaps i should go back to cuffing the snot like i did when i was a kid.
sex - these days chance would be a fine thing - does wanking count?
straining to defecate - now this does worry me, there are few pleasures that are free that mach a good squeeze when you are on the bog.
drinking cola - luckily it is not as high a risk as drinking coffee as i seem to drink more cola.
being startled - just need to stop reading this sort of research.
being angry - can't see how i can stop being angry when cameron and his camerloons are in power.

just got to hope i never have a combination going on at the same time - like drinking a pot of coffee while i have a cold and watching gove and hague explain their latest policies on the tv when something bangs against a window.
no more reading the newspapers when i am having a shit either - who knows what might happen.

no to av.
no to liberal democrats.
no to nick clegg.

poor old nick from hero to zero. from the kingmaker to hanging on by the skin of his teeth.
find it in your heart to feel sorry for nick, he is sitting there crying in the dark and wailing "why? why? why?"

cynical

i thought i was cynical, but there are times when even i have to bow my head and acknowledge that compared to some i am a bundle of happy fluffy joy.

5live was trying to get some interest into the av debate this morning.
they asked one of their callers how they were going to vote. the reply was that they were not going to vote, it was a waste of time, nothing changes. the presenter made some attempts to question this line of thought only to be met with: "if voting was effective then the ruling elite would have banned it a long time ago".

compared to that i am just in the foothills of the mountains of cynicism.

vote

don't forget to get out there and vote.
some of you have local elections to wade through.
i just have the almost interesting yes/no on the alternative voting system.

nick clegg is for it.
i am against it.
in this you can all say 'i agree with pat'.

the one thing the av debate has done is once again give free publicity to the british national party. it is odd how we only really hear about the danger of the bnp when elections come around and then it isn't to debate the ideas (misconceptions) they have but to scare monger that a vote for them might lead to the end of western civilization.
no surprise that the whole alternative vote debate seems to have been couched in terms that elevate the bnp to the status of a serious political party (oh how the greens must wish that they were discussed in such a manner).
so those who are for av say that such a system prevents the chances of the rise of parties such as the bnp - ignoring the fact that their two members of the european parliament are there because of proportional representation, while the houses of commons are free from the bnp.
those who are for first past the post claim that under their system the chances of the bnp winning power are slight to impossible (not that they will stop casting the bnp in the role of the monster under the bed each time an election comes around) but even worse if you go to an av system you give the votes of parties such as the bnp even more say in how the country is run. how? well not only do their votes count for their main choice but because the bnp will never get into power their second (and perhaps third) choices are counted. oh no they have gotten more bites of the cherry than voters of the mainstream parties. terrible.

trust good old nick clegg to want his cake and eat it: "nick griffin knows that av will make it harder for extremist parties to win because they cannot get the support of a majority of their constituents." (i can't find where i copied this from - so who knows this might just be a bad dream).
nick c was talking in the context of why nick g was supporting 'first past the post' (just like the tory party and those horrid radicals the communist party).
so the bnp are for the first past the post system because in mr. clegg's words they canno get the support of the majority of their constituents. yup i am following that.

stop reading this - go and vote.
you know it makes sense.

bliss

the years hasn't started off as well as it should have.
for a start there has only been the one steven seagal movie (well direct to dvd release) so far this year. that is wrong. ever since appearing in the less than fun 'machete' seagal hasn't been delivering the goods. that is just bad news bears.
i could put up with that if the chirpy cockeny chappy that is danny dyer was appearing on the shelves of the dvd racks around the country - he seems to have gone from banging out a film every two weeks (every one a gem) to nothing for the first four months of the year. danny danny danny what are you doing to us - we need to see you, we need to have more movies where you play that chirpy cheeky cockney chappy while you have the look that says 'i am so much better than this'
with just one seagal and no dyer the world is not a happy place.

and it is moments like these that the bbc was invented.
it is moments like these when the bbc strides forth and sets the evils of the world to the swords and radiates joy, happiness and good will to all in teleland.
praise bbc3.
hoist bbc3 on your shoulders and carry it around town, sing out in wonder at the magnificence of bbc3.
why?
why? is that what you ask?
such a small word for such a big thing.
why?
i will tell you why.
'two pints of lager and a packet of crisps' is back on bbc3 - crude, lewd, smutty jokes a go go. fart and knob gags running rampant. what more do you need.
'two pints of lager' is what the funny bone was designed for.

the world is a brighter place now it is back.

olympic2

i confess i am quite excited about the fact i have ordered some olympic event tickets. it is pretty much a once in a lifetime happening (unlike getting a job working for the london olympics which turned out to be a you-won't-hear-from-us-at-all-ever experience).
even the bollocks spoken by officials of the london olympic committee about how some events can't have as many common people at them as others because they have to worry about 'the olympic family'.
nor do the moans from those who complain that they were not told that the olympic ticketing site would stay open for an hour longer on deadline night - if like me you are going to leave it till the very last hour then you only have yourself to blame it is not like you didn't have six weeks in whic to load your order for your tickets - take away from the glow of the chance that i might be off to see an olympic event sometime next year.

ok i am a tad irked by the fact that there is a handling charge on the tickets - which seems to just be there for the sake of it as it remains £6 regardless of me getting 1 or 100 tickets.
ok i am a bit annoyed to hear that there may be a second round of ticket sales because some events won't have sold out. while i am not against this because i want the olympics to be a success and i want as many people as possible to have the chance to share in the excitement. what gets my goat is that these events will be the minor events, they won't be the big events, the ones everyone knows about - the athletics, the cycling, the swimming, the diving and such like - oh no those ones will be full to the brim with people and in fact people will be turned away from those events as there will be more applicants than there are tickets. of course one of the reasons why this will be the case is that 'the olympic family' will be busy sitting its fat arses on the seats. when really what they should be doing is going to the lesser events to show their support of the sickly cousins of 'the olympic family' and freeing up more seats for the common people to see the events that they want to see.
it just won't happen because 'the olympic family' is all about being at the top table.

what has really lit the furious fire under my bottom is the email i received today from the olympics. it contained the following words of wisdom:
"please ensure you have sufficient funds available on your visa card to cover the total cost of your application between 10 may and 10 june 2011. please be aware that your application may be withdrawn if you do not have sufficient funds available.

the latest date by which you will be told whether you have been allocated tickets is 24 june 2011."
i get that i should have money in my account to cover the cost of the tickets - that is not a problem (well i hope not).
i get that if i don't have the money i don't get the tickets.
i even understand that because visa is a sponsor of the olympics that they are the only card you can use.
i am not sure why they have to have a month window in which they need to take the money from me - i am sure with a bit of work and organisation they have that down to a much smaller window.
what really yanks my crank is that the implication is that sometime between the 10th of may and the 10th of june money will be debited from my acccount to cover the tickets i have ordered. however i may not know what tickets i have gotten until june 24th!
so what can i expect to happen?
that the full amount is deducted from my account between may and june 10th. only to discover a few weeks later that i don't have all the tickets i ordered and my account is being credited?
that only the money for the tickets i am getting is being debited but i have to wait a few weeks for confirmation.
is it just a scam to transfer money from lots of accounts in order to make some money on the interest before they 'sell' us the tickets.

frankly if you are taking money out of my account then you should be able to tell me what you have taken it for on the day you are taking it - not a week or two later.
not very good work from seb coe and co.

wouldn't surprise me if i didn't get a ticket at all now.

strange

let me be upfront here i have no love, respect or regard for colonel muammar gaddafi.
the cynic in me can't help but feel the current conflict in libya has been brought on by the oppurtunism of several leaders who have low ratings at home and the need for oil, both easily hidden behind the 'concern' for the welfare of the libyan people.

recently a bomb strike has supposedly killed one of gaddafi's sons. the news of this death has caused crowds of libyans to target various foreign missions in the country.
now this could be read as support for gaddafi - in which case our support for the rebels/ insrugents/ provisional government (call them what you will) is a little bit misplaced.
or it could be read that our interference in an internal matter is creating support for gaddafi when there was none.

now slice and dice it any which way you want to but united nations resolution 1973 and the mission creep that has gone along with it is war by a different name.
we are bombing libya, we are talking about arming the rebels/insurgents/ provisional government we are telling colonel gaddafi to take a hike and don't look back.

yet for all of that the moment we decide to expel the libyan ambassador comes when our foreign mission there is ranshacked by crowds of angry libyans (ok they may have been 'encouraged'). why? simply because william hague, the foreign secretary, has said that the gaddafi regime had failed in its duty to protect it.
this would be the regime we are currently bombing.
this would be the regime we are saying does not have the legitimate will of its people.
this would be the regime that we are saying has no future.

only in the world of politics could someone say that and keep a straight face.
who would have thought that william hague would have be cast in the role of the straight man... (no i didn't mean it like that).

blocked

currently constipated at both ends.
nothing coming out from either orifice.
not a good situation - hoping that tomorrow the floodgates will open and out will spill lots (and lots) of stuff - some for your pleasure and some for my relief.

olympics

tonight's blog has been held up by the olympics.
i decided that i did indeed want a ticket or two to go see an event or two at the london olympics.
not an easy site to work your way around.
yet somehow i have managed to order 4 tickets for four different events - all at the lowest prices (of course). my chances of getting any of time are slim to none. not just because there is a lot of demand for the tickets but because a large chunk of tickets are going to 'the olympic family' (fuck 'em is what i say - it is not their taxes that are going to pay for the sodding games, so they should come right down the pecking order - but that is what happens in a fair world, not the one we live in).
unlike 'the olympic family' i don't know if i have actually got a ticket - i won't know for awhile - maybe by may 10th, or maybe by june 24th. big window there.
even so i have had to give over my card details - just in case i do get the tickets.
as with all these things there is a booking fee: £6. so if i get all four tickets it works out at £1.50 a ticket. i am sure there are many others like me who have tried for several events, not so much because they are ardent fans of them, just that they want to experience the olympic moment. now call me a cynic - but i would wager that the majority of people who ordered tickets for multiple events will just end up with one event.
why?
if different people get to go to events i have chosen then the booking fees are £24, if it is just me it is £6. as they say: you do the math.

still i am happy to know that my hard earned money (if they sell me the tickets) is going to keep seb and the rest of 'the olympic family' in the style they have become accustomed to.

trains

been a while since i last travelled on the train. i like being on trains. no idea why, i just do.
one of the things you quickly learn about trains is that they are not cheap to use, and that is quickly followed by just how complicated the fare structures are (best price will be on the third friday of the month that has an eclipse in it).
there is a leaked report that (surprise surprise) highlights the unions as a barrier to efficiency in the rail industry, but seems to be recommending that there be job cuts (fewer ticket offices open, fewer onboard staff) which is to be coupled with rising fares.
oh that is ok then. the service will go down but the price goes up! result. fantastic. capitalism works so well.

weather

it is not even summer and already i am cursing the sun and the heat.
bring back the wind and the rain.
fie on you summer and your fucking sunny bright blue skies.

i hate summer.

mates

mates are funny old things.
sometimes we take liberties with them, sometimes they take liberties with us.
we forgive them things we wouldn't forgive strangers.
they can hold views we don't agree with but we don't mind because they are our mates.
we can row and tiff with them to the cows come home, we will talk utter bollocks with them until the sun comes up.
mates are the oil that makes the engine of life purr.

though there are times when you wonder why you bother.
david cameron is probably thinking that just about now. there was leader of the conservative party already to stride into number 10 as leader of the country with his policies and meta-narrative all worked out. his bezzie mates william and george ready to stand either side of him with their smug grins all ready to tell us they had won and they were going to lead us out of the darkness.
when, would you believe it, we the public slapped them all in the face and said: not that simple chums.

david was not to be denied so he turned to his new best friend, nick clegg, and asked: "do you want to be in our gang?"
nick made a pretense of making up his mind but we all know that what he was thinking was: "yes! yes! yes! yes! yes! yes! yes! yes! yes! oh yes please david, can i come and play with the big boys."

since getting to sit at the big table things have not been as much fun for nick as he thought that they would be. his one big policy, the one he sold his pals in the liberal democrats on, av, is faltering. for a long while no one really cared. now we only care because the politicians are making arses of themselves over it.

and this is what nick has had to say about the no to av campaign in the independent that it is the:
"death rattle of a right-wing elite, a right-wing clique who want to keep things the way they are".... i include all those, and of course it includes the conservative party, who like this nice little racket. they get a job for life and they waft into power and they don't even need to bother try to get a majority of people onside."

at least he didn't call the tories nasty or nazi, though i am sure he wanted to.
i am guessing that a few of them have taken him off their christmas card list.

but hold on what was that about wafting into power and not needing a majority... mmm perhaps someone should be remembering how they managed to get into power.
though if there is one thing that politics teaches us it is that when they are in power they will say anything to stay in power.

duck

over in hong kong the recent remake of sex and zen: extreme ecstacy has broken records and has taken more money than avatar.
i suspect that sex and zen has a rather more intelligent story (one hesitates to say adult in this context) than avatar had (though that wouldn't be too hard as most episodes of teletubbies were more complex than avatar), however i doubt that was the reason why people have flocked to see the movie.
i am pretty sure it wasn't just the erotic content.
i reckon it was the fact that the erotic content was being shown in glorious 3d.
the mind boggles at what was being pointed out from the screen at the watchers or what was being shot out from the actors into the audience.
all i know is that i wouldn't want any of it in my eye.

3d porn that should increase the number of people who stay in.
get shares in wrist supports and pizza delivery companies now. you have been told.

sam

samuel l. jackson is cool. hell he has even played shaft - that is how cool he is.
samuel l. jackson is one of the most famous actors of our times and one of the few black actors who can 'open' a movie (to use the parlance). sadly for sam he is not one of that elite group of black actors who are seen as being 'serious actors' that is for the likes of denzil washington, morgan freeman, will smith and most recently jamie foxx. while sam might be cursing the fact that he hardly gets a look in when it comes to the complex, sensitive caring type roles he knows he is never going to be short of work.
still now he gets his big chance. he is to appear on broadway playing martin luther king.
i can see it now.
"i have a dream muthafuckas."
(although it being samuel l. jackson it should be "i have a muthafucking dream you muthafucking ni......" oooh i nearly did it, but didn't. don't want spike lee on my case.)

good luck with it sam.
perhaps now you will get the film roles that have gravitas to them - rather than slick patter and sweary words that make a potty mouth blush - you deserve that chance of leading actor oscar glory.

creep

first it was about saving people.
now it is about getting rid of gaddafi.
cameron, obama and sarkozy have all up their rhetoric and in doing so have gone on the usual mission creep that is so popular of world leaders who are not going to be asked to put their lives on the line.
even better as they are making their proclamations they will also be saying that it is for the libyan people to decide - but only as long as they don't choose gaddafi.

i reckon that there has to be a worthwhile study (and an interesting one) in what drives national leaders to go into conflicts - do they see it as the validation of their leadership? do they sit down at gatherings and go 'my war was bigger than your war'?

just think poor old david cameron has been in power less than a year and already he has played the 'war card' and the 'immigration card' - it is looking like all he will have left for when the cuts really bite is a full on invasion of france - and that won't be easy given we are sharing military forces now.

old

if i needed a reminder that i am getting old i got it last night.
i expect to get it again tonight.
it is bad enough that i have trouble walking up stairs, that my back aches, or my knees creak when i crouch down.
old age is coming on, father time has his hand on my shoulder.
not only that it seems he is also squeezing my bladder. last night there i was awake at 3am to go to the toilet, and not for the first time have i had to stumble to the bog in the dark and i suspect it won't be the last time and it will become a regular event.
oh well at least it is something to look forward to each night.

i am getting old.

fat

add being the parent of a young child to the reasons you can use to blame other people/ causes to why you might be fat.
as a parent to a young child it is likely you choose the easy option of prepared meals and thus become fat. of course if they are eating them the chances are they are feeding them to their kids. so beginning the fat cycle.
the authors of the study are very quick to point out that this isn't about blame.
no these studies never are - they are about providing excuses.

the majority of fatties (like myself) are the way we are because we scoff far too much.
simple answer. eat less, exercise more.
problem is my planned book: "oi fatty" keeps gettting turned down by the publishers. they say there isn't enough in it, but i thought it would be better if it was a slim volume.

i thank you.
matinees on wednesday.

quote

‘I don’t want to try to insert Britain in some leading role where, as with so many of the world’s problems, we are responsible for the issue in the first place.’

so said david cameron (maggie would be turning in her grave, if only she would just die) in answer to a question from a student in pakistan.
yet there he is sending the military into libyia.
perhaps it is time for cameron and his ilk to not only accept that the colonial past was not always beneficial but that the power we had then has gone and it is time for us to sit back, ensure our own protection and let the rest of the world play at soldiers.
problem is once you are in the top seat you can't help but play commander in chief. so on the one hand we don't want to be involved on the other we want to get our hands dirty.
mr. cameron it really is time to make your mind up.
follow on with the logic of the military cuts you are planning to make and reforge the armed forces into something else other than a small fighting force that we seem to be prepared to waste in struggles that are not ours.

apology

news international and the news of the world are busy issuing apologies for their phone-tapping excesses. i am sure that all the taps were done in the name of 'the national interest', because we just have to know what some dull celebrity is planning. i am sure that such underhanded practices are also used by others in the news industry.

however i do feel that i am owed an apology by news international.
why haven't they tapped my phone? why haven't they tried to find out my secrets.
true i am not particularly famous. true i am not particularly interesting. true i do not have paticularly juicy secrets.
but that isn't the point.
i will just have to learn to live with my non-celebrity.

pooped

had a bunch of things i planned on gabbling on about tonight.
had a whole slew of things i needed to do.
turns out i am so tired that all i could manage to do is sit down and turn the computer.
that means you are getting nothing from me tonight. you have a night off from me. i know you are missing me already, but i will be back, so you can relax in that knowledge.
night.

encounters

i would be the first to admit that i am not an open welcoming person. my default mode could probably be described as “leave me the fuck alone”. mostly it just means people don’t bother me in the streets. that makes me happy.

it seems there are times when my factor 5 fuck off wears off and i suddenly attract all kinds of attention. tonight seemed to be one of those nights.

i was out and about looking at some art. i tried out a couple of new galleries, saw some great art and got the exercise of walking to and from the galleries. in the first i was approached by the gallery owner. he was interested in my thoughts on the show and the gallery and i gave them to him, while all the time wondering why the pretty girl who stomped about because she was wearing heavy shoes was put off by the factor 5 ‘f.o.’ and he wasn’t. i told the bloke i was glad that there was a new gallery to visit. he told me that i was a distinctive looking so he was bound to remember me.

thanks for that gallery guy.

i left him to deal with the new crowd of people who had streamed into the gallery.

i moved onto another gallery. a bunch of beer guzzling bohemians standing outside (it was a night where you could easily tell where the open galleries were – they had more people with bottles of beer standing outside of them than the local pubs – amazing what free drink will do) and no many in the gallery. i go in. look at the black and white photos on display (black and white means art doncha know).

i chin stroke my way through some ok photographs. some are very good, most are average a few are bland. even as i am studying the photos i have clocked the two pretty girls sitting on the settee that is in the gallery. they are stopping me from getting a good view of some of the photos – i don’t mind too much as they are not among the best in the show. time for me to go and make my way home. one of the girls asks me if i can take a photo of them (not an unusual request as i had my camera with me) and she hands me her iphone to do the deed. i do. head of both of them. (that may make it sound like i knew what i was doing but just trying to use the iphone to take photos was a challenge – there is certain technology i shouldn’t be let near. oh they didn’t just want head shots – they wanted the full body and they wanted to stick their long slender legs out for me to capture in digital form.

now that is the sort of challenge i like.

stupidly i didn’t faff over taking the photos. what the hell was i thinking…..

job done and i moved on, my only reward their smile of thanks. again what was i thinking?

time to go home. nice long walk. need the exercise it is a nice evening. i get to have a smile as i walk by the office building that houses chubb security only to notice that a place that is all about locks and safes has a security guard sitting on a stool to protect them. what does that say about their product?

getting late.

will go to sainsbury’s to get a snack.

walking down valance road. little old asian chap stops me; he is traditionally dressed and has a neatly trimmed snowy white beard. he points up the road and says ‘do you know?’ i jump to conclusions that he is asking for brick lane, he doesn’t want brick lane. something about ravi in bethnal green. i point him in the direction of bethnal green. no he says do i know ravi in bethanl green. his english is poor and my shyleti is worse. i shrug and say i don’t know ravi of bethnal green. he smiles at me and tells me i am a very good man, a nice man. i agree with him, give him the thumbs up, tell him to have a good evening and i move on.

in sainsbury’s now. looking at the yogurts. i have become a big fan of yogurts recently. i feel like a treat so i am going to go for a twekkelo farmhouse yogurt with black cherry. as i pick it up and put it in my basket a young bloke asks me if it is nice. i bite my tongue because like all sensible shoppers i only buy stuff that i don’t like, instead i tell him it is good and i also recommend that he try the apple and cinnamon version as well (see public service pat). he looks at me as if i had imparted great wisdom and in return he must reply with a more profound statement. and he does.

“once you have had a few mouthfuls you have to finish it all off.” this seemed to be a problem for him, while i just thought that was the done thing to do. i nodded sagely with him and walked away, backwards: just in case. i never saw if he took my advice.

i just kept thinking why me? these are the people that ems talks to not me.

tomorrow i am putting on factor 7 ‘piss off i don’t care what you have to say.’

liar

"i'm in politics not to take risks with the nhsbut to safeguard and improve the NHS for today and future generations. if we want to keep the nhs free at the point of use we have to make it more efficient - sticking with the status quo is not going to work."
so says david cameron.

you know what i have to say to that?
liar liar pants on fire.
see cutting edge politial satire and commentary are alive and kicking.

buzz

the coalition have a new buzz phrase.
a new frontier on which to show they are caring and compassionate.
a new way to show that they are not the nasty tories, but the cuddly loving conservatives who like us all.
welcome to the world of social mobility.
we have had a period where the answer to every question asked of the coalition government mentioned 'left with the biggest deficit ever in the whole wide world... if not the entire universe and beyond'.
now no matter what the question is it is looking likely that those wanting to make an impact in the coalition will have to shoe horn in 'social mobility'.
witness oliver letwin (who?)  (cabinet office minister - i know you knew that), mr. letwin is alledged to have made an off-hand comment/joke to boris johnson about not wanting people from sheffield to travel abroad. shock. horror. private conversation gets reported as news.
mr. letwin is neither denying, confirming or apologising for the alleged comments. instead he says he never knowinglt ever says anything offensive and continues with that he is "passionately behind" social mobility and "devoted to people being able to make the most of their own lives." which is a bit rich coming from a politician who is part of a coalition government that has hiked up the price of education (making it harder for the poorer in society to get ahead), cut education edicational maintenance allowance (making it harder for poor students to stay on at school), cutting public sector jobs (cutting down the number of jobs available and the prospects that people have) and this depresses the employment market which in turn means ...oh well you get the picture.

so expect over the next few months to hear a lot about social mobility.
every time you hear it remember they don't mean it, they don't care and if they were really honest they just want you to doff your caps.

same old tories.

listen

listen. what do you hear?

the sound of a coalition in reverse?

the sound of a coalition laughing at us?

the sound of confusion?

no it is none of those things.

andrew lansley tells us that the government will pause their plans for nhs change and would be listening to people’s concerns.

for the government (well the conservatives) the changes are needed in order to prepare the nhs for the challenges of the future - such as meeting international benchmarks (which in any other vocabulary would be the same as targets) on cancer or dealing with the growing question of an elderly population.

one of the ways of meeting these challenges is to let doctor’s consortia (managed by professional, private sector, managers – being private managers it means they are worth their salary no matter how high it is) buy ‘care’ from any ‘willing provider’. may as well call it privatisation and be done with it.

most sensible people are concerned about the whole thing; most sensible people know this is just the start to breaking the nhs up. several people have commented that the problem has been that the coalition haven’t ‘sold’ the idea well enough (perhaps they have done it well enough, it is just we don’t want the nhs sold down the river).

in response to this apathy cameron and clegg are off on a ‘listening exercise’ to reassure people, but there will be no substantial change to the plans, maybe a few tweaks; nothing more. not much listening then, more telling/

can you hear it?

listen.

it is the sound of private medical providers laughing all the way to the bank.

voting

yes to av?
no to av?

have to say i am a no to av person. it feels odd to be on the same same as david cameron. hoping there are not many more occasions where he and i agree.

still the yes vote lost a lot of respect when chris huhne described baroness warsi as acting like goebbels - thus falling foul of godwin's law in double quick time.
the yes vote is also undermined by the fact that nick clegg is for it - let's be honest he is not the poster boy he used to be.

unfortunately there are no london local elections this year so when i go to the polling booth all i will be doing is voting for (or against) alternative voting.
oddly the result will be decided by a first past the post vote.
you have to love irony.

nhs

safe in his hands - that is what david cameron told us.
he is the king of porky pies.
seems a few of the liberal democrats have grown a spine and the coalition has to look at its plans for the restructuring of the national health service. cameron, clegg et al are all a little worried that there isn't a ground swell of support for their changes.
they think it is because we don't understand the benefits of their plans.
sadly for cameron and clegg we are cleverer than that weunderstand perfectly what the plans mean - they mean the eventual privitisation of the national health service. it means lots of private companies making lots of profits from the ill and sick (soon to be: customers).

a while back the evening standard was praising the john lewis partnership for being able to give out bonuses to all its staff. why, they opined, can't john lewis take over the nhs? well perhaps it is because making profits from selling stuff to people who want to buy things is completely different from dealing with people who have to use a service because they are sick.
though it probably doesn't matter to the standard's leader writer they, no doubt, have access to private health care.
the rest of us are not quite so lucky, and given a recent report about how a large chunk of prescriptions are never collected because of the cost of them it seems a number of us can't even afford to deal with the national health service.

anticipation

anticipation.

waiting can be hell. waiting can be fun. waiting builds expectations. waiting creates jitters.

anticipation can be heaven, anticipation can be hell.

counting down the days.

watching the hours.

minding the minutes.

ticking. tocking. the ticking countdown as the clock gets to the moment you have been waiting for.

ticking.

tocking.

world cups? every four years: who cares?

general elections? why bother.

the olympics? not that special.

royal weddings? so what.

christmas? there’ll be another one next year.

the oscars? ho hum.

large hadron collider? not all that.

so what am i waiting for? simple wmxxvii: wrestlemania 27. a night of wrestling superstars, a night of action, a night of entertainment, a night passion, a night of drama.

wrestlemania has it all. glitz, glitter, blood and sweat.

orton versus punk, cena versus the miz, triple h versus the undertaker. if that wasn’t enough throw in edge, rey mysterio, vickie guerrero the rock and stone cold (what) austin and you have the event of the year, only to be matched by next year’s wrestlemania.

wrestlemania is bigger than sport.

wrestlemania is bigger than entertainment.

wrestlemania is sports entertainment.

and i can’t wait.

tick

tock.

tube

i love the tube system.
sadly i don't get to use it as much as i would like as i am a penny pinching bus user. so when i decide to use the tube for speed and convenience i sit back and enjoy it.

a recent addition to the london transport menu of services has been the east london overground line - and what a joy it is.
the current building programme involves the much talked about and expensive crossrail service. some people are for it, some are against it. slowly but surely it is beginning to take shape.
one of the places where this is most obvious is tottenham court road tube station. lots and lots of building going on aound there. it has meant the end and demolition of the astoria (boo hoo - saw one of the best gigs ever there), big diversions for buses and a new skyline where old buildings have been torn down and maybe new ones to go up.
part of this is going to be improvements to the northern line platforms at tottenham court road. the northern line is probably the runt of the london underground - it never seems to work properly. this isn't going to change that, but it will make the platform at tottenham court road better and that is no bad thing.
unsurprisingly this sort of work can't take place when the tube is running, nor is it practicalable to do the work overnight. so there is to be a planned closure of the nothern line between now and christmas. in theory that should mean that the work gets done and done well.

how does the evening standard react to such news?
"chaos" they cry. even though it won't be chaotic because everyone who uses the tube will know about it. i can only guess that the definition of 'chaos' (as used by the standard and daily mail) is it looks good in print and helps sells more papers, especially when it means nothing.
the standard goes on to point out that users of the northern line might have to get off at goodge street or leicester square and walk to tottenham court, they do it in tones of what hardship this is rather than the 5 minute walk it is.
i guess it is easier to report on 'chaos' than it is to write about a necessary closure in order to faciliate the building works that will benefit all the users of the station. while one of those stories is accurate the other one is sexier.

one of the things we seem to have gotten real good at over the last few years is the casual denigration of our abilities, our culture and our society. rather than highlight the importance of the works and the talents involved in such a building project - it is much more fun to bitch and moan rather to front up and say this is needed work and a brave decision has been made.

moaning is better than reporting it seems.

wtf

i am a portly sort of a chap.
cuddly.
well i was.
work it seems adds pounds and inches to you waist.
i know why, i have seen all those reports in the daily mail, and such like places that list a whole host of factors that lead to office workers piling on the pounds: that office workers are sedentary (me); that stress leads to eating more (me); that having to think leads to needing more calories (me) and all the others.
my situation is not helped by the fact that several of the people in the office are prodigious comsumers of sweets. they enable my eating of cakes. they are so naughty.
so i have gone from portly to paunchy and beginning to be hanging over the belt belly.

so as i step back to a cuddlesome size i have cut down on the chocolate and started back in on the fruit.
still fat.
but now i have zits. how does that work. when i was eating choc and doughnuts not a zit in sight. go on to fruit and i am a pimplehead.
there is no justice.

discovered

i discovered a new word today.
well discovered is perhaps too strong a desciption for what happened, as all i did was to read a piece about ip addresses on the bbc website (i am not sure if this shows i am a techno savvy individual, a geek or sad and lonely - i am going with option c).
the story was about how microsoft have paid a lot of cash for the a chunk of ipv4 addresses because the remaining free addresses are running out (which means there are a whooping 4.3 billion internet connected devices out there).
without the ip you can't connect to the internet. oooops bad news bears.
don't worry though as ipv6 is out there - even if the costs of migrating to it are high and so take up has ben slow.

and that is where the new word comes in.
undecillion - which sounds more like someone can't make up their mind then a really big number, but a really big number is what it is.  (according to the bbc to write it down you would have to use a 1 and 38 noughts - and that is a pretty big number , though not as big as it's bigger brother the centillion which is 10 to the power of 303, or in old english 10 to the power of 600. why the difference? it is all about short and long scale - or the fact american's just can't help messing with stuff).

so there you go a nice new word to drop into conversation.

it is not as much fun as 'bawdyhoose' (another new word for me) but much easier to get into the chitchat down the pub.

mob

perhaps irony can best be seen by looking at:
theresa may's offer to increase police powers in order to confront/ prevent the 'mindless' mob, while david cameron and william hague beat their chests and yodel tarzan like at each other about how protesters (not mindless mobs) should be given the freedoms we enjoy in the west.
square the circle and force that square peg in the round hole.

flatpack

eat your heart out frank whittle.
eat your heart out isambard kingdom brunel.
east your heart out james dyson.
eat your heart out zaha hadid.
bow down before me norman foster, james fry and tim berners-lee.
your accomplishments pale before mine.

for i have mastered the flat pack bookcase.
for i have conquered the instructions.
for i have overcome the screwdriver.

for i have built a bookcase and like kubla kahn i have dined on honey dew.

(gotta hope it stays up when i put some books in it.. )

stuff

bits and pieces.
nothing important and mostly overheard.

from the radio: while going on about the university boat race the commentator was going through all the members of the boat. he had done this, he was that, he had been here, what he had done last year etc etc. for one chap it was all about how he had overcome health problems "last year he was battling testicular cancer and now he is stroking..."
i bet he is.
furiously and happily hoping to gush like a champagne bottle. perhaps that is an image we should all forget.

in the beigel shop there is an altercation between denim clad shifty chap with a long knife scar on his cheek and the rake thin east european assistant. he claimed he had given her a tenner, she said a fiver. lots of i only had two tenners on me and it would be folded in two blah blah from him. lots of no you only gave me a fiver from her. back and forth, back and forth. small jewish owner eventually joins in going on about how he has just done the till takings and that there was no tenner from him in there besides, he continued, why would i lie i have £1800 takings today why do i need to cheat you out of five pounds. demin scarface gives up.
one of the other customers pipes up "i didnn't see what he handed you, if i had done i would have dived in to back you up."
nice one fellah, i am sure she appreciated the sentiment.

lads in the coffee shop. all chatting large about what they have done over the week. this deal, that deal and another deal. a big dealio kind of week. winners all. then they are planning the night out on the town. watch the game, drink a pint and then well the night is young kind of thing.
except for two of them:
"i'll be heading off to catch the train"
"you'll be heading off early?"
"yeah i'll be heading off"
"you can't head off early"
"no i will be heading off to catch the train"
"well if you are heading off then i am heading off" turning to the other two "we'll be heading off to catch the 9.40pm train."
which considering it was 8pm and they needed to get to euston (i won't even go into the discussion they had about how to spell euston) that didn't leave them long to have a big night.
guess they all headed off early.

quiet

trowbridge sounds like the perfect place to stay. seems not much happens there and that it is a peaceful place.
how do you know pat? have you lived there?
no i haven't.
i am just going by this bit of news that appeared on the bbc website about a recent robbery - all i am saying is be careful where you get your meat from and if this is all they have to worry about it then trowbridge has to be a great place to bring up kids.

british transport police have asked that anyone seeing kebab's being sold in suspicious circumstances to contact them - obviously they don't pop out to get a kebab on a regular basis as the only way kebab is seved is suspiciously.

iPlonker

i get an email from pc world during the week (me and pc world are tight like that) telling me tha ipad2 will be in stores from 5pm friday 25th.
that's nice of them to tell me.
funny enough i am quite close to a pc world so why not pop in on the way home. not a bad idea at all. do you know what that is exactly what i did. i popped in on the way home. it is good when a plan comes together.
now i am very very tempted by the ipad. i am keen on it. i want it. i desire it. so maybe just maybe it will be purchase at first sight.

i stroll in.
i don't bother to gaze at the big sign advertising the ipad2, because i am too cool for school. i don't make a bee line to the apple section; don't want to be appear too keen.
i weave my way there.
i touch the ipad2.
i stroke the ipad2.
i love the ipad2.
however commonsense has kicked in and i have resisted the urge to get the card out and scream: "give me half a dozen for the hotel room."
i needn't have shown such iron willed restraint.
as i stood longingly stroking and touch a macbook (i need one of those as well) i overheard a conversatin between the member of staff who deals with the apple product and a customer.
"can i buy one? do you have it in stock?"
"no i can order it for you if you want, but you can do that yourself online. i am not sure when it will come though, none of the team know how long it will be before we get our stock."
it is bad enough that apple tease me with their delicious offerings but when pc world start doing it then that is just wrong.
though i am not sure why i am surprised there have been several occasions i have been there to get something they clearly have marked as being in stock - only to get there to discover it is gone and they don't have any stock to replenish it with.

an well i couldn't afford to buy it anyway.

unity

sport brings us together.
sport unites us.
i am pretty sure they were the sort of sentiments used by seb coe and co (see what happened there?) when they were pitching and winning the olympics.
seems there is a falling out between the british olympic association (boa) and the london 2012 organising committee (locog).
what has caused these two to squabble? why, money; of course.

the boa don't think that their share of the surplus from the olympics (20%) should include the paralympics. see how that sporting family just hangs together. why not? because the olympics will make money; the paralympics won't. simple really.

but it is nice to see that the spirit of the games lives on and that sport isn't about bringing people together, it is not a celebration of endeavour and overcoming the odds. it is about money. the olympic ideal has been reduced to filthy lucre. let's be honest i am sure a large number of the atheletes who are competing would rather their gold medals were briefcases of cash.
given that the stars are looking to roll around naked on pounds notes and euros is it any wonder that the officials are also looking to make sure more lines their pockets. i am sure they have lots of noble sounding reasons and plans for the money - just that they don't want to be helping those nice disabled people who do sports.

given that the boa have known about the olympics taking place in london for a fewer now and given that they even know who locog is (as they have negotiated with them) it says little about the quality of the people who are leading that they wait until the year before in order to start their atttempt to get things sorted. 
i can only hope they have been better at sorting out the sports side of things - or else many british competitors won't be worrying about the colour of their medal it will be about them seeing any more of the folding green stuff.

i'm a cynic  - get me out of here.

crumbling

you form a coalition to go to war (well not quite war, more an intervention, sort of a military 12-step plan). even the french are gung-ho (see them freedom fries become french fries again). simple idea: no fly zone with a bit of shelling on the side. look we have the arab league on our side.
what can go wrong?
well the arab league don't seem too keen all of a sudden. (no civilian casualties they say - like that is ever possible.) is gaddafi on the hit list? yes. no. maybe. don't know. it is not regime change, that is for the libyian people, but look we just don't want gaddafi there anymore. america won't be the lead partner after a few days, share it out among the rest of the coalition; nato can do it (which means france or the uk). italy is talking about stopping the use of their airspace if it isn't a nato led thing (so they aren't too bothered about a pariah state close to them - must just be davif cameron).
no one is quite sure how long it will go on for. no one is quite sure what constitutes the moment of 'mission accomplished'. soon they won't even know who is in charge and who is contributing to it all (so far just one arab nation has put military forces into play).

just a couple of days in and it is beginning to look a bit of a mess.

meanwhile isreal and hamas go on in their own sweet way bombing each other.

and no doubt when cameron gets of his war horse he will get back to telling us all how we need to be more frugal because the cuts are going to hurt (they have to - it is serious medicine he is administering to the country) yet somehow in his moment when he can have his own little war they can fnd the money to send planes and bombs out to land in foreign lands.

just once we should see this moments and wave at them as they pass by rather than jumping out in front of the onrushing crisis with a raised hand and a politely worded "i say old chap".

no need to worry i am sure they have a plan.
they do don't they?
they must have. surely?

expectations

you may have gathered from reading my musings that i like coffee.
you may also have gathered that i like drinking coffee in brick lane.
there i was the other night sitting outside the coffee shop sipping a strong latte and watching the world go by (well mainly watching the ladies go by). there is a strange feel to the place early sunday evening: the market is packing up and people are beginning to come out for their last party of the week. there is hustle and bustle in the air.
me? i was thinking of all the priorities (well panics) of the coming week, among them: what to order from amazon (which turned out to be as hard as working out the priorities).
the latte was good. the ladies even better. all was well with the world.
then a large range rover starts making awkward manoeuvres in an attempt to park. it is black with black tinted windows. the number plate is: music mx. oh dear, i thought and about this time i am hoping the range rover that jack bauer would drive has an accident and smashes into one of the cars nearby. no such luck.
there is something wanky about personal number plates, they seem to scream out 'i have an inadequacy complex so i want you to know that i am important'. they also say 'i have more money than sense and that is the only reason you think this is wanky as you want to spend this sort of cash on books from amazon' (shit that number plate inner dialogue as got me there).
i am not surprised by the number plate or the car. the area is one of hip music bars and happening bars, it is an area filled with bands, djs, promoters and producers. it is a popping place.
so as i continue to drink my coffee i have already developed a picture of the lads who are going to jump out of the car. they are going to be young, loud, baseball capped, hoodied, with low slung jeans (with some ugly design that runs part way down the leg and looks like an epileptic paint fit), they will be blinged up, and wearing hi top trainers (white) with the laces undone or timberland boots with the laces undone. they will be black or asian. one of them will be the one that the rest suck up to. see i know what is happening out there people.
i know.

so when the late middle-aged, early pensioner eases his way out of the car i admit defeat.
i know jack.
he is in the standard aged rock star get out. nice brown shoes, faded jeans, white shirt, dark blue blazer, with a small scarf around his neck. his hair is that horrid white, grey with hints of pale blonde in it, all topped off with too much hair gel. he is joined by his slightly dull wife and frumpy daughter.
they go get a beigel, of course they go into the famous one (friendly service says one review - maybe, if snarling counts as friendly) rather than the good one. a few minutes later they come out clutching their bags of single beigels. a trip down memory lane, a reconnection with the common man.

no wonder he has a personal number plate.

war

what is it good for?
politicians and oil.
just so you know.

overheard

there i am in the coffee shop (no surprises there), i am trying to cope with the english rubgy team's choking in the grand slam decider. so coffee is good (as is the hot totty that dot the place).
across the shop from me are two cosmopolitan european dudes - both have that casual air of attractiveness about them, both work in the creative industries, both of them discussing long road trips around europe.

then one of them says to the other: "i need to start seeing girls again".
bit of a shock this because he had only just been saying how much he was missing his girlfriend. those europeans eh!
a bit of a silence as they look at each other digesting what has been said.
then he continues: "just need to hang out with girls, talk and that sort of thing it will remind me of how lucky i am with my girlfriend. too many women are mad."
those europeans. 

crouch

an odd posting.
more of a shout-out to mr. crouch.
i got your email and yes you can email me through the blog but next time include your email details so i can reply to you. i am sure my pal paul would also like to say a big hello.

i think i have broken the fourth wall here. 

coffee

i love brick lane.
i love coffee.
so when the london coffee week rolls into the area i will be full of beans (see what i did) and sure to be full of beans (see did it again).
it it time to finally get my own coffee grinder? is it time to start delving into the world of artisan beans? already it is sounding like too much work, so i will stick to my lattes, mochas. cappuccinos, espressos, macchiatos, ristrettos and con pannas. not to mention the humble, but always good to go, black coffee.
nothing quite like a cup of joe to get you going.

searched

not done this for a while.
just looked to see what the blog has been search for and two stand out from the crowd: "filled my pants" and "having a great enema".
i wouldn't mind but i have been trying so hard recently to make it a more family friendly blog. looks like that was a failure. may as well go back to some tales of the toilet type stories - seems that is what the punters want.

irc

i used to love thunderbirds. i would probably still watch it if i had it on dvd. not only was it a great idea but it was full of neat gadgets and vehicles. my favourite was thunderbird 2. i would wager that a love of thunderbirds lay at the heart of the idea for the international rescue corps, a charity that specialises in rescue work in places that disasters have taken place.
they recently flew out to japan in order to help with the disaster there.
even more recently they flew back into heathrow because they didn't have the right permit to enter japan.
rather than be out there rescuing, they spent two days stuck in tokyo airport before coming back. they blame the british embassy for this. according to the daily mail (yes i know never a good source to use) "an exhausted ray gray, 55-year-old leader of the team from the united nations-registered organisation, said: 'all we needed was a bit of paper.'

(exhausted? all they had done was sit around for a couple of days - what would he have been like if they actually had gotten around to doing some rescuing?)
he went on to say that the japanese had asked them to come, but the british embassy wouldn't sign off on some papers.
they say red tape is to blame.

unusually for a tory, william hague is not having any of that. it is not red tape to blame, but the simple fact that the embassy was stretched to deal with the ongoing situation.
he goes on to say that the japanese had said that they, irc, would have to be self-sufficient as no logistical support could be given to them by the japanese. according to mr. hague irc arrived with no transport, and no logicistical or language support. in effect they hadn't done what the japanese requested of them and would not be able to fit in with the japanese rescue plans.
considering the situation there - that would be a bad thing.

paul baxter, the spokesman for irc, said 'we went over there with the permission of the japanese...they wanted us there. but once in tokyo, the authorities would not give us a transit permit until they had received paperwork from the british embassy stating that we were a bona fide charity for disaster zones.'
ok let's just break that down shall we.
the japanese wanted them there, and gave permission for them to be there.
except when they were there the japanese wanted proof that they were a bona fide organisation. mmm the second part of that sort of undermines the first part.

as you know i am not one to jump to the defence of a tory, but this is one of those times when i think mr. hague is probably right. that irc are taking the easy option of blaming the british embassy when the problem was of their own making.
somehow i don't think the japanese would be turning away anyone who could help - provided that they could do it without adding additional strain to the ongoing operation.

just what i think.

the thing that is wonderful about the daily mail (aside from its tenous relationship to the facts) is just how quick its readers are to comment without reading the full story. they are almost pavlovian. just put 'red tape' in the headline and bosh bang boom you already know what the comments are going to be and you can pretty much guarantee that all they have read of the story is the headlines.
with the right headline in place the mail readers go into a frenzy that blames central government and such things as 'health and safety' 'jobsworths' 'political correctness' 'public sector workers' without ever really bothering to read the story.
they all seem to want to leave britain for better places. they all want to blame someone else for things that are not quite the way they like them. each and everyone of them happy to slag the country off.
none of them it seems is actually capable of reading the story from start to finish and making a comment based on the whole piece. who can blame them - so much easier to do it based on headlines alone - it makes perfect sense.

still if the mail wasn't full of contributors who are a hamper short of a picnic then there would be no point to it.

oh and in future mr gray and mr baxter make sure you have crossed the t's and dotted the i's before you fly off to the next disaster zone.


 

olympics

i wasn't keen on the olympics coming to london. it was only when it was a decision between us and france that i became gung ho about it.


the main reason i was against the olympics being staged in london was that (and this is probably peculiar to me) i think the magic of such global events is having to stay up late at night or get up early in the morning to watch them. somehow they are less impressive when they take place during 'work hours'. the fun has gone out of them.

the other reason i was not keen on them being held in london was the british (well mainly english) national sport of doing ourselves down (such as the recent story that said that 1 in 10 british sports fans would not be following the olympics - well hey buddy that means 90% of them will be following it my friend, 90fucking% my friend - so stick that in your bad news pipe and smoke it).

since the olympics landed in london my relationship to the games has been one of love and hate. i love the regeneration of the area that the olympics is bringing about. i hate that it cost me my job. i love the excitement around seeing buildings for the olympics being built and completed. i hate the moaning of elite athletes because their might be a cut in funding (and going a little off track here (what me digress? never) i wish some of them would just put their hands up and thank everyone who pays taxes for the life we are giving them - as an athlete they are doing it for themselves, they reap the rewards and glory and for many of them we provide the cash for them to do it. if you want to be, say. a doctor, a teacher, an engineer or a nail technician you have to fund your way through college, you have to pay back the debts. if you are half way decent at running, throwing and jumping there is a possibility you will be funded to travel around the world to compete for prize money. and they complain. wankers. rant over - well that one). i love the enthusiasm of those who support the olympics and i hate the naysayers who are happy to suck the life out of the room in order decry the olympics (and yes i am aware i can fall into that group – so i can be a complex, or contrary, person on occasions.
i was excited at the prospect that i could get work at the olympics. they were very keen on hiring local people to work on the event. i went along to an induction. i came away full of beans about the whole thing. i posted my cv on the site and started looking for available jobs.

pretty soon it became very apparent that although they were very keen on having local people they were equally keen on having people who had previous olympic or paralympics experience (or the job was so specialised that there was no point advertising it because they must have known the 10 people in the world who could do the job).

i am sure that now all the key roles have been filled there are plenty of regular jobs. just not when i was looking.

i was dismayed when there was a kerfuffle over the route that the marathon was going to take. somehow the people of tower hamlets and surrounding boroughs now saw it as an east london olympics and couldn’t see why the marathon might take in some of the sights of london rather than concentrate on running along the whitechapel and mile end roads.

still their complaints got a concession out of the london organising committee of the olympic games (locog): local people would have a 24-hour head start in applying for olympic related jobs, sounds good but not sure how it really helps as they are not saying local people will get preference – they just have a day more to get their application in.

i am thrilled at the prospect that london regional transport is thinking of running the tubes around the clock for the duration of the olympics, even if it means a possible platform (geddit) for that smug git bob crow.

today marked the 500 days to go to the start of the event.

today marked the day the tickets went on sale – though you won’t know if you got them until a ballot had been taken.

today was also the day when it was admitted that for the opening and closing ceremony and for many of the big events only half the available tickets would go to the general public. so in a stadium that holds 80,000 people there is a chance that on some days 40,000 of those tickets will be for international olympic committee staff (and spouses), sponsors, government officials and sundry other hangers on. in fact of the 8 million tickets that are available 1.4 million of them will not be sold to the public. i am sure that in this regard the olympics is no different from any other major event.

but it irks when it is the taxpayers money that is underwriting it all.

a little like the banks we are taking care of the risks but we are not given full access to the glory.

oh well it was ever thus.

(do i get a gold medal for moaning?)

(am i applying for tickets? maybe, but if the ioc or locog want to include me in their vip lists they are more than welcome to.)

used

if this was a comic - this would be a crossover edition.
this is one that brings together two previous rants and merges them into a whole new one.

i get ebay, i don't use it, but i can understand the attraction of it.
i get charity shops, i don't use them, but i can understand the attraction of them.
it is not that i don't like getting second hand stuff - it is just that ebay is just temptation writ large - so much to choose from, so many things to look at. just too much stuff, and you never know what you might find - if you keep looking. so in order to keep my sanity i avoid ebay. simple really. i have nothing against charity shops - it is just that it is not like i go out of my way to spend lots of money of clothes, so it is unlikely that there is going to be much savings on the clothes, besides it is unlikely i am going to find a hugo boss suit that fits me in any charity shop.
it is not that i have a problem with second hand stuff. a ton of my comics are second hand, a large number of my books have been bought from musty fusty bookshops that sell used books by the hundreds.

so there i am on amazon, i am not sure why i am on amazon because i haven't read the books i last got from amazon (like that was ever going to happen, like i have ever waited to finish books before buying new ones). as ever while on amazon it isn't hard for me to find a book or graphic novel to buy,
oh i know what i need: a new moleskine notebook. looky there amazon have them at a nice low price.
hold on what is this?
not only do amazon sell them, but they have various sellers in their marketplace section.
oh and someone is selling used moleskine notebooks.
what?
used notebooks.
the seller doesn't say how many pages they have used or what they have used them for, or even if the pages are still in the notebook. maybe they have written some poems in them and when you buy their used notebooks you get to read their words. perhaps they have hit a writer's block and this is a way of getting past the blockage by giving up the words they have written. maybe they are like david icke they have plumped the secrets of the world and they want to share with the adventurous explorers of the unknown. for all we know they could be the part of the 'dan brown code' wherein a super successful author goes in search of talent - hey it could happen.
i will never know because when it comes to buying used things the last thing i want that has been used is a notebook. when i buy a notebook i want it fresh and virginal so i can despoil it with my own words, thoughts, ideas and musings. they may not be much but they are mine and they deserve a new moleskine. 

clegg

clegg vows not to let the "profit motive drive a coach and horses through the NHS".
and i believe him.
actually i don't.
i doubt many people do, especially students.

poor old nick. he has gone from being the darling of politics where we all 'agreed with nick' to being the man who sold out to get power and being 'in nick we distrust'.

pretty sure that nick doesn't care - he has his feet under the table of power and that is all that matters.
so see that no coach and horses quote? expect the nhs to be cut to ribbons by the time that nick and dave are done with it.

fred

fred goodwin has obtained a 'super injunction' which bans the media from calling him a banker. fred the shred (as he was known) must have more money than sense to have bothered with such an injunction (which also means that it can't be reported on). you can't help but wonder what other bankers feel about it as one of their number denies them. perhaps he should have asked not to have been referred to as an unsuccessful banker as we all know about his role in the near collapse of the royal bank of scotland (though if you were to listen to and believe the tories this was a minor problem, the real problem was the overspending of the labour government - even if most of it was keeping banks affloat).

fred goodwin has been described as a bully with ice in his veins  - obviously now that he is out of the banking business he has developed a thin skin. oddly i would have thought being a called a banker was the most polite thing that mr. goodwin is called these days.
i am sure we can all think of a few choice things to call him. we should get a list together so that fred can squander some more of that hefty pension he gets, and take up the time of the courts to have them banned from being used in conjunction with his name.

spines

in my previous work life a large number of my fellow staff had ink or piercings (or both). many of us would study the various tattoo and body modification magazines and books we carried. we would gaze in wonder at some of the wonderful tattoos that adorned people's bodies (scoff at those that had a badly drawn mickey mouse head done), be a gog at some of the piercing pictures. from looking at such material the bottom line seemed to be that if it was skin it could be and would be inked and if there was a way to pierce it someone had already done it. those who loved ink quickly moved from one tattoo, to a sleeve to a full body job. those who loved piercing quickly went from ears and nose to everything pierced/

(as a bit of a digression here there were a number of people who went in for body suspension (using hooks into peircings to suspend the body, either as performance art or as a form of shamanistic meditation). my question about it has always been how do you go from having your nipples pierced with a ring to i think i will have a big hook in the flesh of my back to hold me up and do many people think they are ready for it only to go "oooow that hurts, no fucking way am i going through with it..." i wouldn't blame them as i nearly squealed like a piggy when i had my nipples done many years ago.)

there was little you could imagine that someone had either done or tried in order to modify their body. sometimes it would look wonderful and other times it would be very much a wtf! moment.

all of this jumped into my mind today when i read the short piece about penile spines.
it seems way back when men had small spines on their genitalia (like you find on cats, mice and chimps - not that i have looked mind you, i just read it). then at some point there is a change in the dna and ta da the spines go away.
c'mon lads we are all pleased about that - imagine the embarrassment of having to go the local a&e because you had hand caught on a few spines while you were having fun, bad enough when you have to go there to get them to free you from the hoover (again i have just read about it...)
though it does mean that we are left with being called a 'knob head' when 'spine head' could have been used.

that's life for you: swings and roundabouts.

amazon

being back at work has its advantages.
sure i am stressed out from trying to work out exactly what it is i am doing, sure i am still pooped from adjusting from the world of sloth to the world of work.
but work brings its own pleasures and rewards: the people, the laughs, the stimulus, the challenges and a chance to once again order from amazon.

in my previous job i was quite free with my odering from amazon and play. the internet brought me closer to all the goods i wanted. add in a few specialist music and dvd sites and i was a happy man. i could sit at my computer and the books, dvds, cds, graphic novels etc would come to me. i was mickey as the sorceror's apprentice turning finger tippy taps on the keyboard into stuff. magic.

in my period of post-work i sensibly gave up internet shopping, it didn't matter what sort of email i would get from amazon et al telling me of their new greatest release i faced that temptation and resisted. who knew i had that strength of will?

now i don't have to!
yay work.
now i can go to amazon et al - look through their many many many pages of delight and choose something, anything to please me. oh yes. oh yes i can.
so first things first i need to reactivate my amazon account. should be easy. it wasn't. not to worry i overcame that obstacle - call me hercules and call this one of my labours (cleaning my flat is like the augean stables - the difference being even herc would leave it as a bad job).
new account sorted. what to choose. so much. so much. all this stuff that has come out and i have missed. what? what? what? shall i get this? shall i get that? this? that? maybe something else. oooh what to get? so much to choose from. can i have it all? (i wish.)
hard choices to be made.
thinking to be done.
cogitating.

decisions made. list written. time to order.
bugger that one isn't in stock. oh well move on to the next one. in stock. yay! next one. in stock. yes! next one. oh two weeks for delivery. can't wait that long. want it now. move on to the next one. in stock. get in there.
order made.
order placed.

amazon tell me when it is going to arrive. not long. wonderful.
next day amazon send me a confirmation order and they have changed the date. bastards. now they are telling me they won't be completing my order for a couple of days. call that a service? do they think it's christmas. all in all they have added five days to the delivery date.
sob. sob.

check the tracker on the site.
oh those sly old boys (and girls) at amazon - they have learnt a lot from the disney queuing system. they have under promised me (by telling me it would all arrive later) and they are going to over deliver (by getting it to me sooner). how can i tell that from the tracker site? because when i go to look they are already packing my goods - even though they have told me it won't leave for a couple of more days.
sneaky petes that they are.
of course if it is leaving them earlier than they said. it will get to me earlier than they promisd.
happy happy. joy joy.

tuesday morning.
eager anticipation. like christmas.
waiting. waiting. waiting.
where is the fucking postman.
where is the fucking delivery.
no delivery. no books. no clowns.
bad amazon.
naughty amazon.

so i look forward to wednesday morning for my delivery.
the disappointment of the day has passed. the excitement for the morning grows.
oooooh eager anticipation and all because pat loves books.

irony

that lovely man eric pickles has had this to say about labour councils: that they are "playing politics with people's jobs, and people's homes, and people's services."
mmm perhaps he should look closer to home, maybe he should check in with cameron, osborne and clegg and see what game they are playing because they seem to be playing politics with people's jobs, people's homes and people's services. 


he was defended by bob neil, the local government minister, who said that eric used robust language and he was right to do so. however when labour councils describe the effects of the cuts they are not being robust they are choosing to speak in the "most gory and attention-seeking way possible".


i would say what is good for the goose is good for the gander, but it appears that mr. pickles has cooked the goose and gander and scoffed them both. 

overheard

one till jockey to the other.
"i think i'll have peas tonight'
"i had peas last night"
that was it.
i am sure a day of serving the customers who frequent one of london's biggest specialist stores is not the most stimulating of experiences but surely there is more to life than peas?
(though i was left wondering; peas and what?)

walking along brick lane, off to get a coffee (what else?) when a slightly flustered and annoyed bloke strode by yabbering on his mobile. he was exasperated that someone had gotten his directions wrong and that he was having to go get his lost companion.
"where are you?" unheard answer. "i told you to walk up the hill." unheard answer. "well it is not a hill just a slight incline....'
(those who know brick lane would probably say it was flat and that if there is an incline it is unnoticeable, no wonder his mate got lost.)  

iWant2

oh new ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. (see what i did there?) ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. (so clever i could shit) ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. (puntastic) ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one. ipad2 i want one.

no but i really do want one.

localism

localism.

choice. 

big society. 

key words for the conservatives. 

they are also very powerful concepts (albeit not new) and powerful rallying cries. they are all about power. the argument is that they want to return power to the people. more choice for people means more power. less power to central government, more power to local councils which means more accountability which means people have more power. local groups coming together to take control of local resources: they know what is best and so they can deliver it better than anyone else. 

power. 

power. 

power to the people. 

funny how quickly that gets thrown out the window when the choices people make are not the ones that are wanted. 

we have already seen david willets get his two brains in a bunch when several universities have opted to charge the maximum amount in fees to students. no i don't understand why the government is shocked that a university would do it. 

now we see it over there in local communities who have come out against the proposed high-speed 2 rail link. lots of little community groups along the proposed routes have come out to say: "no", "no" and "thrice no".
given the desire for local power, less control from the centre (one of the strands of this was to allowing local communities to have more say in planning controls) and the development of the big society you would have thought that government would have been celebrating the existence of groups such as 'say no to high-speed 2', pointing to them and saying that is localism in action.
nope.
not at all.
what they get is transport secretary philip hammond accusing them of being part of the 'not in my backyard' brigade. nimbys are not seen as being nice people, they are selfish and only think of themselves and not the wider community (which could just as well be a good description of what localism means).
funny how it is that when people and organisations do what the conservatives say they want them to do when it comes to things like localism, choice and the big society it only counts as being a good thing if the choices they make are the ones that the conservatives and central government want or like.

funny that.