cancel

poor old oxford university student union.

first it was vince cable cancelling a speech he was to give there. he cited security fears and costs. vince as part of the liberal democrats had signed an agreement to phase out tuition fees, it was a vote winner with many students who duly plonked their mark down by their liberal candidate.
oops. guess they won't be doing that again.
at least vince was honest about why he cancelled. he knew there would be protests and that whatever he had to say would be lost in the noise and hurly burly of protests. he even turned it into a mini victory for himself by saying he was avoiding unnecessary policing costs by not going.
well played dear chap.

now it is the turn of nick clegg to bail out on the oxford union (they must be feeling rather unloved right about now, let's all give them a hug. big hug).
what excuse has nasty nic... sorry that nice nick clegg given them.

according to the oxford union mr. clegg can't make it to them because of an 'unfortunate scheduling conflict'.
pardon?

now i am not the most punctual of people but the only time i have a 'scheduling conflict' is when i don't want to be somewhere and i have to wash my hair.
perhaps if i had an overpaid diary manager (or an interesting life) such 'scheduling conflicts' might occur.
for someone like mr. clegg such things shouldn't happen, it is not hard to manage your time. true there are always emergencies that throw you off schedule, they can't be avoided or planned for and people accept them. the only problem with emergencies is that you don't know abouut them in advance.

so i am left with the question: if you can't manage your diary mr. clegg with all those people you have helping you (the liberal party, the cabinet office, the civil service and your special advisers), if you can manage to double book yourself for two engagements on the same night, if you can't check your diary before agreeing to something then mr. clegg i ask you, this simple question.
if you can't manage your diary what fucking chance do you have to manage the country?

we are all in it together, except for mr. clegg who has had to pull out because he has another appointment, but i am sure he will join us soon.

wank

one of cameron's happier claims is that he is cutting the government's communication bill (even as he adds a photographer, videographer and others to the public payroll).
meanwhile eric pickles is mastering attacks on local council freesheets (all the while telling us that centralism is out and localism is in - perhaps it is just local as long as it is inline with what the centre wants).
strangely in the new 'transparent' world of the con/dems information would be key, except when you stop providing that information.

still we can always rely on the con/dems to provide us with a useful phrase to explain this brave new world of politics.
we are all familiar with "we are all in it together" (and we all know what it means). then there is the various combinations of words that add up to "we inherited the mess of the previous government" (and we all know what is being left out).

now we have 'horizon shift'. say what? (it is all about giving up the short term headline for the longer term policy planning/ investment).
part of this 'horizon shift' is to get rid of targets (because we don't actually want to measure things, we don't want to what we are aiming for) and replace them with milestones, which to you and me may smell pretty much like targets.

perhaps that is the thing about being in government: you can change the name, you can change the rhetoric, you can change the jargon but in the end it still sounds, and acts like a government.

avoided

today i avoided the news.
i read the daily mail.
i thank you. (matinee shows wednesdays and fridays.)

competition

in honour of the new 'forced' work plan i would like to annonce a cometition to design a nice armband that those who are on the programme can wear.
given that it is aimed at the workshy (not the genuinely unemployed and trying to find a job - though according to the government and the daily mail such a beastie is a rare thing indeed) i was thinking of a big ws as a logo, just can't make up my mind on the colour scheme.

why do they need armbands?
well so that people can point at them, of course. parents can point them out to their children and whisper: "see that is what happens when you don't (fill in as desired)".
of course the pointing that people will do will add to the wearer's self-esteem, because they will quickly see that people respect them.

so obviously the armbands need to stand out.
perhaps they should also wear day-glo jackets as well.

so get your coloured pencils out and start designing, after all how hard can it be?
best designs will be forwarded to ian duncan smith (i am sure he knows a few workshy tailors who can knock up the winning designs).

remember your community will love you for it and it will be a reminder that we are all in it together.

fireworks

i love them.
they bring out the big kid in me (almost as much as snow does, but without getting quite so soggy).
enjoyed the display in victoria park, accompanied by the sounds of the 40s (it was a blitz celebration).
big smile. chill night.
perfect.

irony

the cleric abu hamza has won his battle to stop the british state from stripping him of his british passport. (he didn't win against the egyptian state that has successfully stripped him of his passport.)


funny thing is abu hamza is that he is not british by birth, but by marriage, nor is he particularly keen on the british (or western) way of life. he wants a caliphate or democracy, is less than keen on jews and homosexuals. but how he loves the european court of human rights.

it is a quirk of western civilisation and democracy: the defence of those who would see it destroyed. if you needed a reason to cherish 'our way of life' then you need look no further.

a little like david cameron i am 'disappointed' at the ruling, but another quirk about democracy: it isn't about me.

while david and i may not be happy with the outcome we both know that it is a strength of democracy, that it can, and will, accept differing views, even those that are utterly hostile to it.

the real battle is to remind everyone that while democracy may not be perfect, it is much better than the alternatives.

4.30am

what the fuck am i doing still awake?
no idea, better go to sleep.

employing

you would have thought that someone who criticised the new labour government for wasting money on quangos and consultants would have tried to have been squeaky clean when he took office. i guess the rules don’t apply when you believe, as david cameron does, that he was destined to lead the country.


not happy with employing his photographer and videographer at the taxpayer’s expense the evening standard has pointed out that cameron has added another two of his mates to the public payroll. (to be fair the daily mail had made note of one of the appointments a few days back).

isabel spearman has been hired as the assistant to samantha cameron. she is there to run her diary, look after her correspondence and make sure she has the right clothes. an awesomely important job, i think we all agree. strangely she had been doing this job before the election, so someone else must have been picking up the tab. guess what? not anymore, we are paying her salary now. look as long as sam cam is looking fine then i am feeling good about it. money well spent.

the other appointment is anna-maren ashford, who used to be the conservative party’s head of brand communications. (she said of the conservative squiggle, sorry logo: 'the tree is rooted and strong, a very british image, yet reflects growth, freedom and versatility.' she is now involved in the cabinet office’s ‘behavioural insight team’ (say what?) (don’t worry it isn’t all that sinister it is just looking at how government can persuade people to change their behaviour. see it is all about ‘the nudge’. actually maybe it is sinister). good to see the conservative party cutting its wage bill, yet making sure the unemployment figures don’t go up as they have shunted her onto the public pay packet. excellent stuff and a necessary job, i am sure.

according to the standard ms spearman’s role is largely administrative and ms ashford was working on strategy (well i am glad we voted for her, oh we didn’t did we).

now i don’t dispute that david cameron has a tough job, and when you are in that situation you want to have your mates around you, to give support and to keep the spirits high. i am sure that cries of “hypocrite” would be misplaced (besides dave’s mates are there to prevent him from hearing such claims). i can’t help but feel the four ‘jobs’ that have been created by the camerons could have been paid for by private sources if only to prevent claims of cronyism and to defend against accusations of wasting taxpayers’ money.

shame that cameron can’t hire some of those people in the public sector that are about to lose their job, but then they are not cameron’s mate – so tough luck. perhaps the next time i sign on andy parsons can come and take my portrait while isabel spearman can give me tips on what sorts go well with my jeans – after all they are public servants now.

don’t forget we are all in it together and our sacrifices mean that a very wealthy can have someone help her chose what dresses to wear. seems perfectly reasonable to me.

irked

my current irk is the fact that no matter how many times i tell my internet browser that i want it to remember my details on some sites (such as this one), each time i want to drop my pearls of wisdom i have to sign on.
why won't you keep my signed in like i ask you?
why? why? why?

computers they were supposed to make our lives easy. just create new sources of irkness.

exposed

we all want to look our best, especially when it comes to be photographed or videoed.


so we can't really blame david cameron for putting his personal photographer and videographer on staff. he needs them to present him (and his family) in the best light. to show us all he is, indeed, just like me and you (albeit a very rich smug version of me and you).

c'mon admit it - if you could afford it you would have a photographer following you around catching you in that 'moment' (to use a term loved by henri cartier bresson), look there you are looking thoughtful (snap), here you are smiling and talking with a stranger (click), oh look at you run (snap, click, snap). all captured in stunning, sometimes airbrushed, colour or maybe just that moody serious black and white.

you know you would want it.

or imagine the videographer making everything look like it runs smoothly and well planned, all with added soundtrack.

see it sounds brilliant, and don't deny it.
you would do it if you could afford it.
oh hold on - if you could afford it.

one of the things that cameron loves to tell us (and i suspect that just as he gets all worked up with sam to play a game of m'lord and ladies, he whispers in her ear: "deficit") is that we are in a parlous situation, that public services have to be cut and that savings have to be made. if he tells us once, he tells us twice and just to make sure he tells us a third time.

as part of this he is quick to lambast the labour government for its profligacy.

so it is nice to know that while he is presiding over cuts and job loses he can find some public money to hire his own personal photographer and videographer, and because of the nature of their contracts the job didn't have to be advertised - not that i would have gone for it - not sure david cameron would have suited being pictured with a traffic cone on his head.

oh but he tells us he has cut the previous government's outrageous communication bill, so don't begrudge me giving two jobs to my mates, after all they make me look so good, so smug, so dave!

it is not like the cameron's couldn't afford to pay for them. or that the conservative party couldn't stump up the cash for them. after all who was paying for them before david cameron, so generously, put them on the public purse? now that the state is paying for them does that mean that the state owns the copyright on their work, will all monies paid to use their images go back to the state? (just wondering).

so next time dave is telling us all how hard it is and how we all have to make sacrifices to make ends meet just remember we are all in it together - even if most of us can't afford to appoint our own private photographer, after all who wants to see suffering and depression when we can look at airbrushed smugness.

curry

i have known my local newsagent for close on twenty years, i even have a nickname there, slam or slammy (based on the fact i used to whinge when my copy of the british basketball magazine, slam, wasn't available).
one of the, many, areas contention we have is over food. he likes good food, i just like food. so whenever i tell him i was having a curry in brick lane he just snorts and tells me it is not authentic indian food. (to be fair to brick lane it doesn't really try to hide the bangladeshi origin of much of the food on offer, the clue would be in the 'banglatown' tag for the area.)

my newsagent contends the best indian food is available in west london.

one day i will take him up on his offer to go and sample the grub over there (like i say i like food, but not enough to travel across the city for a curry).
tonight he handed me a bag with homemade curry and rice, he wasn't sure i would like it as it was hot. i said i would give it ago.

he wasn't lying. it was hot. it was also very nice.

it was hot.
i can still feel the heat inside me - keeping me warm and also starting the volcanic movement in my gut that will have seismic results in the morning.

oh yes i can tell that i will have a ring of fire tomorrow.

i tell you what that means i won't be needing to have an enema (why am i mentioning enemas? because pretty much every other day my blog is found by someone looking for enemas! if you can't beat them, join them).

oh and if the rumblings are true i won't be doing a log tomorrow, what will be coming out of my arse will be sludgy lava.

can

two years ago the chant was: "yes we can".
the wave of hope and change that swept obama into power splashed over the world and filled many with optimism.
idealism. gotta love it.

two years later and political realism has kicked hope and optimism fully in the nuts.
the democrats are being slapped silly in the mid-term elections.
in a perfect world it wouldn't matter what was going on in the usa elections, but as we have learnt (much to our cost) what happens in the usa affects us all.

tonight the chant is: "no we can't".

allies

who would have thought it: britain and france to sign a defence accord that heralds greater military cooperation between them. perhaps to the extent that that they will be deployed as a single force at certain times.

it makes sense on several levels: there will be financial benefits from it, both countries spend more on defence than other european countries, both are nuclear powers and both sit on the un security council.

so it makes practical sense.

there are obvious practical issues – one just has to look at the question of iraq to see what they might be. indeed some have said that such a deal between britain and france might disturb the relationship between britain and the usa – what a shame that would be.

what makes this very odd is that it is happening under david cameron. i am sure more than a few conservatives are having hissyfits, bad enough talking about having the euro here, but teaming up with the french?

crikey mrs. thatcher would be spinning in her grave if the old bat would just hurry up and die.

challenge

stumbled across the national novel writing website the other week.
in it they set the challenge to write one 50,000 word novel in a month, november.
for want of something better to do - i am going to give it ago. fifty thousand words of utter drivel. shall i do a misery memoir style novel - taking as a basis the old monty python sketch? a burroughs like cut-up novel filled with transgressive prose? maybe a period piece revisiting london of the past? or a witty satirical novel that lampoons the state of the economy, though it could also be an attack on modern politics.
in reality it will be 50,000 words of swearing poorly thought out ideas that probably will have guns, girls, monsters and spaceships in it.

are you up for the challenge?
if so go sign up here

spooky

for halloween i have been watching horror movies.
some scary moments.
(much less frightening than reading the daily mail, now that is real terror!)

assumptions

the con/dems have moved at a fast pace. you have to, grudgingly, admire them for that.
they have made sure that a vast number of public sector employees will lose their jobs.
they have made sure that a vast number of people will see their housing benefits cut.

they assume that the private sector will provide employment for all those they made redundant.
they assume that private rents will reduce when there is less housing benefits on offer.

we all know what assumptions do, they make an ass out of you and me.

still at least that means we are all in it together.

gas

looks like the price of gas is to increase, just in time for winter!
coincidence?
i think not.

are you paying attention cameron, clegg, osborne, duncan smith, field et al? if you want to know where poverty begins, it is with the ability for companies to ratchet up their prices.
if you want to make work pay, then you have to make sure it leads you to be in a situation where you can actually pay for all the basics of life and maybe a few frills. i guess that isn't something you really worry about when you are born with a big wedge of readies in your diaper.

our christmas present from the con/dems: fewer jobs, higher prices (vat increase, fares increasing, energy prices to increase) and just an added dash of misery.

remember we are all in it together.

conspiracy

yesterday the managers of several airlines have whinged and moaned about the security procedures that are in force in airports.
(to be honest i can’t think of another group of people who whinge quite as much as airline managers, considering how few of them there are they never shut up whining.)

today suspicious packages are found on cargo planes.

coincidence?

of course it is, but every now and then i just have to go into david icke mode.

49

49

blank

i am just at a loss for words.
just have nothing much to say and for the moment nothing interesting at all.
very odd.
even the talk radio station i am listening to isn't spurring me on, isn't getting me angry (although the bloke telling me that teaching is the hardest job in the world is coming close.. sorry emma) so there isn't anything to moan or whinge about.

nor can i think of a witty (nothing new there) or uplifting story to impart. no lessons to be taught, no words of wisdom to share, no morals to pass on. in fact quite dull.

not even the non-story in the daily mail about pointless words being added to the latest collins dictionary can get me worked up. so what if 'simples' has been added to the dictionary (and in case you didn't know it means 'easy to do', a little like simple really), or 'fauxmance' (fake realtionships between celebrities). it seems that any old tat word or phrase that appears on tv is destined to be in the dictionary.
(oh wow just had a great idea for a really dull book that will sell oodles for christmas 2011 - publishers out there feel free to contact me.)

so pretty much nothing to say.
off to have another coffee.

i

talking of i, today saw the launch of a new national newspaper, it is the first one since the independent in 1986. strangely the new paper is a 'sassy' new sibling to the independent. the idea behind the new paper is to present the news in smaller chunks to make it more acceptable to those who have given up papers for the internet. the other selling point is that it is cheap, another consequence of the internet.
i like the indy.
i quite like the i, true i would have liked it better if there wasn't a full page picture of the tosser clarkson in it, but for 20p i guess i shouldn't be too critical.

hope it survives.

tops

there is a reason for why apple are so hot.
for some it might be because they make good solid pieces of technology.
for some it might be because they use a fantastic design ethos.
for some it might be because they have a stable easy to use operating software.

it may be all of those things. it might be none of them.

i give you one good reason: iphone.
not the thing itself, the name, the idea.
iphone - simple snappy tells you exactly what it is while at the same time making it nice and friendly as it it were a part of you, your pal.
yes your pal the iphone.

then i give you the microsoft windows 7 phone.
not simple, not snappy, though it does tell you exactly what it does and is: a phone. it is not an experience, it is not an object of love and desire.

and that is why apple are loved above all others.

arseholes

not often that i find myself in agreement with the tories (sorry con/dems) (though i suspect that as i get older i will slowly become the old conservative my dad was, hey and if this damascus like conversion was good enough for chris maybe it is good enough for me - angry at whitechapel... mmm has a ring to it, so i will find myself more in agreement with them than not, but let's hope that when that time of assimilation comes there is a labour government in power. anyway enough rambling, back to the point).




where was i?

oh yeah.

not often that i find myself in agreement with the tories (sorry con/dems), but when it comes to their criticism of the london fire brigade’s planned bonfire night strike i am nodding my head in agreement.



don't get me wrong there are few occupations in the country who i think deserve more money than they get just because of the job they do and firemen are one of those groups.

i would proudly wear my two t-shirts from previous firemen strikes (well i would if they still fitted me - shrunk in the wash don't you know).

but there is a time and place.



oh i understand that for a strike to work it has to take place when it has the most impact.

it is why teachers don't go on strike during the summer holidays, why the tubes are always out when people are trying to go to work, that the posties will look to christmas to strike.

maximum impact.



yet in all those cases it is mostly a question of inconvenience.



the london fire brigade holding a strike on bonfire night (which normally wouldn't matter that much - except it falls on a friday and the planned 47-hour strike will carry over into the busy night of saturday) has the potential to be more than an inconvenience, it has the potential to cause the loss of life.



the fire brigades' union general secretary, matt wrack, says "the long-term safety of londoners depends on a well-trained, self-confident fire fighting force." it seems he has no trouble building that self-confident force on the potential short-term pain on some londoners (mmm where have we heard that before, oh yeah from the con/dems).



(as an aside it appears that mr. wrack is one of the few union leaders who does not pay himself vastly more than his general members.)



as i say i would happily see the fire fighters paid much more i am just not comfortable with them deliberately putting lives at risk so that they can be 'self-confident'.



not to mention i am not overly keen on the fact that they have made me agree with the conservatives.

sympathy

i really feel for the crew of hms astute.
the astute (as i call it as i was never one for formality) is the newest nuclear submarine in the british navy, a brand new shiny killing toy.
even though there have been some great movies set on submarines, they remain one of the least, for me, attractive environments in the world. cooped up in a metal tube with a bunch of people you may not like sounds pretty much my idea of hell (camus would agree with me), add to that i suffer from claustrophobia and well a submariners life is not the life for me.
so i have sympathy for them. a skilled career carried out under extreme pressure.
not to mention being that close to nuclear weapons.
hey i would want hazard pay and then some.

so i have sympathy for them.

the astute has crashed, well run aground in shallow waters.
luckily it was just a bump and no danger of nuclear fuel leaks. (a big phew there!)
the crew has been transferred. meanwhile the sub's captain, commander andy coles, faces a possible court martial if he has been found to be negligent. it may also be that this state of the art sub had been using out of date charts.

as i say i have sympathy for them - as i can't read maps either.

result

i didn't want tower hamlets to have a mayor. seemed to be a waste of time to me, not to mention a lot of money and power in the hands of one individual.
sadly at the general election more of the local electorate disagreed with me and they said they wanted one.

we voted on thursday for who would get the job. from the little bit of chit and chat i had with people turnout had been disappointing and seemed to be just one part of the local community.

results were

helal uddin bbbas, labour party - 11,254

(i voted for him)
alan duffell, green party - 2,300
(he got my second preference vote)

john david macleod griffiths, liberal democrats - 2,800
(doing surprisingly well considering everyone now knows they are just traitors)
neil anthony king, conservative party - 5,348
(why anyone voted for them is beyond me)

lutfur rahman, independent - 23,283
(he used to be labour but was kicked out, ken livingstone campaigned for him and respect gave him a clear run)

interestingly the local population is something like 210,000 people. so you can see from the numbers that frankly the majority didn't care.

i suppose i should be thankful that old 3g (gorgeous george galloway) didn't stand, not sure i could have stomached him winning, as much as i like him as an orator i really didn't want him getting money from the local purse.

so now it is a case of seeing what good a local mayor does for us and just what lutfur rahman will do with his position. he has put forward an interesting and ambitious programme, let's hope he comes good with it.

nuggets

constants in the world - my hate of tories and the tax payers alliance. i still don't understand why the bbc give the tax payers alliance the time of day on any of their stations.

why do companies like adidas run advertising campaigns banging on about originality where everyone ends up wearing the same clobber as everyone else. that is not original that is just herd mentality. i am sure that becks, methodman et al are all originals in what they do, but dressing like each other just shows that they are brand whores who will dress the same as their peers because they don't want to be sneered at. 

oh sorry that was the point of the advert. 

as you were.

why am i shit at suduko? just never seem to be able to complete it - even the ones in 'the sun', i am over the moon when i get a few numbers in the ones that appear in 'the guardian'. i am even worse at crosswords, though i am very good at cross words (see what i did there? you don't? well fuck off then you nay sayer).

if an apology is good enough for members of parliament and the house of lords why isn't it good enough for benefit cheats?

lidl advert in the paper today loads of pictures of cheap grub and booze - all makes sense christmas is coming, time to stock up. oh and in the corner there is today's special offer: a set of sporting long johns. perfect match.

sadness

maggie thatcher is getting better.
that feels me with great sadness.

i am sure that the old biddy is just hanging on because she now knows that in austerity britain her state funeral will consist of a packet of stale crisps, cheap cider and a party popper. (even that is too much for her).

but have no fear maggie, when you pop your clogs, i shall crack open a bottle of bubbly to celebr.... er... i mean toast, oh fuck it i mean celebrate your passing.

laptop

i love my laptop, even more so in the winter months when it helps keep me warm.
so i can sympathise with the swedish professor who had his laptop stolen.
turns out it wasn't so much the laptop he was upset at losing it was the 10-years of work that was stored on the laptop's hard drive.
sad story.
hold the kleenex.
happy (ish) ending coming up.
several days after the thefy the professor recieved a usb stick in the post with all the contents of the drive copied onto it.
altogether now: aaaah!
of this the professor said: "this story makes me feel hope for humanity."
gosh stop it professor i am welling up here.
while the professor waxes lyrical about the nobility of the human soul he could stop awhile and ponder the practicalities of backing up his work. it is not that hard to do, after all if a common thief (but not a petty one, a petty one would have kept the work) can go out get a usb stick, transfer and save the work you just have to wonder what was the prof's problem with doing it? laziness? too practical for him? we shall never know.

still i bet he is a relieved man - no more sniggers as he walks into the staffroom as people nudge each other and say: "he lost 10 years of work ....".

so remember - always back up that important work as you never know when someone is going to pinch your laptop.

cuts

tomorrow is cuts day.
a day when the gloom finally sets in.
doom and despair.

or could it be the con/dems have it right?

nah just messing with you there.

some of us are going to be right royally fucked. still as we are all in this together i don't feel so bad that my suffering will help some of the richest paid in the land keep their standard of living.
as we are still in this together i don't mind not being able to find a decent job just so those in the financial sector who helped cause this shitstorm can enjoy great bonues and a prosperous new year.

because i know they are the wealth generators and without them blah blah - see almost started singing from the con/dem hymn sheet.

oh well i am sure in a few years time we will all laugh about it.
doubt it.

cheating

none of us like cheats (except wwe fans, where cheating is accepted, because we know at some point they will not prosper and get their comeuppance).

most of us do not like benefit cheats. we don't like that are getting money for no reason, nor do we like that they give others on benefits a bad name.
the majority of people who claim benefits don't do it because they want to, they do it because they have no choice.

or course the tories hate benefit cheats, the only problem is they just hate anyone on benefits.

their latest wheeze is a three strikes and you are out policy.
a threat that serial fraudsters will loose their benefits for several years. leaving aside the amoral aspect of such a scheme, it once again shows that for all their talk the tories are still the nasty party, they still have a desire to punish the weak and vulnerable.

oddly, so far, the three strikes and you are out is not being applied to those who indulge in a little bit of tax evasion. ah wouldn't it be nice if one or two of those lovely tax evaders were pursued and prosecuted with the same vigour as those who are on benefits? we know it won't happen, but it is nice to dream. think of the ways of punishing them - my current three favourites are: stripping them of their wealth, exiling them and enlisting them into the military where they would spend the rest of their days doing kp.

sadly though life isn't like the wwe and not all cheats get lose out.
under the tories some cheats will be targeted but others will get to be invited to downing street to sup champagne and give advice on how the country is run.

unravelling

we were told that cuts were needed: that cuts had to be deep and had to be done fast or else.

the medicine would not be nice, but it was necessary.

we all know the mantra (join in the chorus) ‘we are all in it together’.

now it seems that education is being saved some of the deep cuts that have been asked of the public services.

now it seems that the military is being saved some of the deep cuts that have been asked of the public services.

so will the pace and depth of the cuts be curtailed? if so, it sounds little brown and darling were right all along.

or does this mean that other departments will suffer more (and when i say other departments i mean all those that deal with those on benefits) cuts in order to make up the shortfall.

or, to be cynical, has the size of the deficit been blown out of proportion by cameron and co in order that they can make their ideological changes to society?

i guess we will find out when osborne makes his announcements next week. personally i don’t think the results are going to be good for those who are already poor.



We all know the mantra (join in the chorus) ‘we are all in it together’.

Now it seems that education is being saved some of the deep cuts that have been asked of the public services.

Now it seems that the military is being saved some of the deep cuts that have been asked of the public services.

So will the pace and depth of the cuts be curtailed? If so, it sounds little brown and darling were right all along.

Or does this mean that other departments will suffer more (and when I say other departments I mean all those that deal with those on benefits) cuts in order to make up the shortfall.

Or, to be cynical, has the size of the deficit been blown out of proportion by Cameron and co in order that they can make their ideological changes to society?

I guess we will find out when Osborne makes his announcements next week. Personally I don’t think the results are going to be good for those who are already poor.

clinton

warnings over universtity fees.
handwringing over child benefit cuts.
the telegraph bemoaning the attacks on the middle-class and the rich.
nobel prize winners saying the cuts are too much.
milliband being good at the despatch box (and alan johnson wasn't bad either).
chuck in hillary clinton worrying about defence cuts and you have a bad week for the con/dems.

can only imagine the shit storm that is going to erupt next week when they announce their crippling cuts.

(who would want to admit to being a liberal democrat right now?)

search

just checked on what has brought people to my blog.
why?
well as anyone will tell you - it is a case of giving them what they want.

the three most recent searches that have led people to here have included two for enemas and one for brown-nose (and i am pretty sure tha is a search that wasn't looking for corporate crawlers but activities only available on specialist japanese dvds).

mmm expect another enema story soon.

jobwatch

not going good for the coalition at the moment.
a report from pricewaterhousecooper says that the cuts will put a million out of work.
today lloyds bank have announced that they will be cutting over a thousand jobs from their british based workforce.
and while unemployment fell - the claiment count rose. many economists are predicting that unemployment will rise when the spending cuts kick in (that sort of insight is why they are paid big bucks).

no fear though chris grayling has said that cuts are the only way to guarantee future job creation. obviously the coalition has been watching arnie in 'stay hungry' have dosed up on the steroids and believe that it is a case of no pain, no gain. that is all well and good when you are talking about adding an inch to your bicep, not quite the shame when you are sitting in a position of power and you are going to affect the lives and hopes of millions of people.

still it isn't like grayling and the other members of the coalition are going to suffer, they are sorted.
just remember we are all in this together, the con/dems standing on the shoulders of the rest of us.

speech

louis susman (who he? he was a close adviser of barack obama and now the ambassador to the court of st james, which sounds very flash) is looking for someone with  "a deep knowledge of brititish politics, media and society" in order to write speeches for him. he had initially offered £41,000 a year, he got no takers. now he has upped the salary to £64,500.
crikey.
perhaps i should send him a link to my blog and an offer that i would have been happy to do it at £40,000, and not only that i will tone down the swearing.
if you ask me that is a fucking good deal.
(ooops messed up there.)

fatwatch

fat has been called a feminist issue; these days it is big business. on the one hand there is the fashion industry and its allies telling us what the ‘right’ body should look like. on the other hand there is the convenience food industry tempting us with lovely treats. in the middle is medical and public opinion acting like the devil and angel on our shoulders.

obesity is on the rise; in some ways it is the sign that life has become easy.

with the rise of the fat nation comes a whole body of research that tell us why people are fat, more often than not the research will contradicts itself.

(oh how i wish i became a scientist – to think i have the answer to why people are fat: they eat too much, exercise too little. sorted. how much of a research grant i could have gotten with that!)

the joy of this research is that it throws up some very bonkers ideas.

this is the first in an occasional series of fatwatches.

the current reason for while people are fat is (wait for it) (wait for it) artificial light. yes people in cities are more likely to be obese than those in the countryside. a well-lit city encourages late night snacking. it is not just streetlights, but computers, televisions any artificial light.

the light makes us eat.

each bulb should come with a health warning – prolonged use means you become lardy.

the author of the research, professor randy (never trust a guy called randy) nelson of ohio state university says, “light at night is an environmental factor that may be contributing to the obesity epidemic in ways that people don’t expect.” which isn’t quite what the headline writers splashed at the start of the piece.

on a serious point i would say that it is not that light that has led to late night snacking it is that the changes in our modern lifestyles have made this possible.

on a flippant note the solution to the problem is staring us in the face. whenever an obese person turns up at their doctors all the doc needs to do is give them a set of household drapes and send them to sleep at 8pm.

though there is one aspect of the research that hasn’t been mentioned, and this might be the most fascinating part of it: cities are well lit and that is why people are fat. they are fatter than people in rural areas, so rural areas can’t have much in the way of light, don’t have much in the way of light therefore the rural areas are backward they are positively feudal.

we don’t just have a fat issue in the cities, but we also have s dire need to help those stuck in the countryside to embrace technology and come forward to the twenty-first century.

professor randy nelson has done us all a favour by pointing it out.

jobs

iain duncan smith happily talks about seeing half a million people on incapacity benefits being able to startt work straight away.
the con/dems seem to be content to make sure several hundred thousand public sector works lose their jobs and be at the mercy of the private sector to provide them work.

such faith in the private sector seems very misplaced at the moment what with the newly formed company everything everywhere is lookng to shed 1200 jobs, while hp sauce is about to get rid of 1300 jobs.

still this is a government who in their criticisms of 'benefits lifestyle' and their odes to the joy of work seem very happy to make sure that many are condemned to a life on the breadline having to accept low paying work in a time when the prices of everything keeps increasing.

cameron and his pals are not interested in turning back the state in some thatcherite dream - they want full on return to the feudal system.

i better start practising my bowing and scraping.

tv

i am not a great watcher of television. 

i don't say that from a position of snobbery, i speak as one who sees the gymnastic gyrations of jada on babestation as the apotheosis of tele. 

i am not a great watcher of tv for two simple reasons: i am an addicted of talk radio and that often there is little on the tv i really want to watch. sure there is a pretty constant diet of family guy to watch or american dad. 

at the moment there is spooks, the bbc's excellent spy series. excellent tales well told and well acted. perfect tv for a monday evening. 

a while back itv had a short run series called whitechapel, a crime series set in, oddly, whitechapel that had a copycat ripper murderer on the loose. it was well done and entertaining. i had hoped for a second series. i am getting one. 

i should be happy. 

i am not. 

spooks. monday at 9pm. 

whitechapel. monday at 9pm. 

oh yes the bastards. the utter total tele bastards. 

nothing else on i want to watch for the rest of the week and they schedule the two shows i want to watch on at the same time. 

bastards. 

total utter bastards. 

ben

it is another binary day.
10/10/10.

it is also a day for all bens out there.

(this has been a broadcast on behalf of the pointless party.)

confession

confession is good for the soul. or so they say.
there are times when we need to stand up, take stock and own up.
there are times when we can no longer sweep it under the carpet, no longer deny, no longer hide the shame.
this is one of those times.
a time to step up, to man up, to confess.

yet even now, even at this point i baulk at it, the challenge to come clean is almost too much. easier to walk  away from it and keep the deep, dark secret just that: a secret.

but i have come this far.
i can't back out now.

so i stand before you, penitent, head bowed and in hushed tones i admit, i confess that i, pat, love the daily mail.
yes i know it is a heinous thing to admit to. i know that is a love that should have remained unnamed.
now that it is out in the open i feel relieved, i feel lighter, i feel saved.

to admit i enjoy reading the rantings and ravings of columnists such as liz jones, peter hitchens, amanda platell, quentin letts, melanie philips and, of course, richard littlejohn,
i love the non-stories, the celebrity love-ins and the celebrity attacks, the misogyny, the misleading headlines and sheer propaganda that passes as news.
most of all i love the comments from the mad, deranged readers of the mail who come together in internet cult of psychosis and delusion.

yes i am pat.
i am an addict.
i am addicted to the daily mail.
help me.

winner

well the winner of the euro lottery isn't me.
so i will not find out whether or not money (lots of it) can make me happy, or just make my misery easier to bear.
so i will not be confronted with the endless questions of what to buy (oh i already have a list, and it is a looooong one).
so i will not have to worry about letting all those pals who i plan on giving some cash to that they have something coming to them.
so i will not have to restrain myself from contacting all those people who have annoyed me just in order to go: "bwahaa bwahaa bwahaa". (sadly that is another looooong list).
so i will not have to think about how i inform those charities i want to support that they are getting large wodges of cash.

so i will have to keep on dreaming and keep on adding to those lists.

kyle

in my period of post employment i have resisted the urge to watch jeremy kyle, he is no jerry springer and he not the looker that trisha is.
kyle has sailed to fame on a sea of people's misery. he is full of sanctimonious rage. he likes to confront his 'guests', he likes to get tough with them.
ooops one of them threw an envelope at him today.
his bodyguards rushed on.
envelopes can be deadly - we have all had paper cuts.
perhaps he won't act quite so tough now.

(this has been brought to you by 'scraping the bottom of the barrel productions.'

jobs

we are all in it together. the con/dems are telling us how the private sector is going to step in and make the economy purr, providing jobs for all those who lose jobs in the public sector and all those who will be 'forced' off benefits.

while all of this is being said let us reflect on the 400 jobs that are to go at at a vodaphone customer service centre in banbury. not all bad news as 200 of those jobs will be transferred to other locations. time to get on your bikes. vodaphone's human resources director said of the move "Today's changes are about creating a lean and fast moving organisation and at the same time bringing in additional customer facing roles.", no doubt he looks in the mirror every day and tells himself he is a tiger. 

this move to a leaner, faster facing company comes after vodaphone had posted a rise in their profits and at a time when some analysts are saying the job market may be about to enter its own 'double dip' recession. 

guess we are not quite all in it together. 

winter

thought it was supposed to be winter.
i am feeling quite warm. something wrong here.
though it could have been all the hot air coming out of the conservative party conference this week.

turner

this year's turner prize goes on display this week.
as ever i am excited about the event. i am not sure why i get excited by it as for the last few years the work on display has always disappointed.
ignoring all the arguments about modern art and whether or not it is any good, what i always find baffling is that the boys (and girls) at the tate somehow contrive to find four artists who just don't seem to be that special (or that good). considering the breadth of talent that is on display each week in london galleries, alone, that is a pretty fantastic accomplishment.

my next journey to the tate britain will be full of eager anticipation. will i come away deflated? who knows, but that is the magic of art.

searched

it is good to know that there are people out there hunting my blog down.
i am sure there are some who love the quality of debate.
the high standard of humour.
the edgy satire, the insightful political views.
it makes my heart sing to know that at night there are people googling and binging (other search engines are available) in order to read my wise words.

sadly it seems that what they are really after are my toilet tales.
from a recent googbling search comes the key phrase: "emema retension nozzel instructions for use". 


fame at last. 

jobs

the con/dems are keen on cutting benefits.
they want to get people off the dole and into employment.
they are happy to use a carrot in order to get their results.
benefits to be cut, public services to be cut.
the private sector will step in and provide the jobs that everyone will want to do.

oh alliance boots are about to cut 900 non-store jobs over the next three years.
that wacky private sector, just stepping up to the plate.

it's ok though george osborne and david cameron have told us that we are all in this together, and i believe them.



(not.)

champers

so the tories have banned the members of the front bench from drinking (or being seen) champagne at their party conference.
i am glad that they are feeling the pain of the rest of the country.
no fizz for the tories: no jobs for hundreds of thousands of public sector workers. seems perfectly fair to me. no plonk for the conservatives: a hacking away at services for the rest of us. an equitable trade off.
if ever you needed to know just how patronising the conservatives are then the call for a few, of the very wealthy, cabinet ministers not to drink the moet is all the proof you need.
just quaff your bollinger lads - we all know you don't care about the rest of us.

nu

the con/dems have moved with pretty impressive speed to begin their wholesale changes to the way we live our lives. the excuse of the economic deficit is used as a handy dandy smokescreen for the many ideological changes they want to make.

among today's announcements were plans to do away with much health and safety - and replace that with good old fashioned commonsense.
also mentioned was the renovations to the benefit system - so that work 'always pays'.
then the news of the relaxing of the 'no touch' rule in schools so that teachers can 'comfort' and 'restrain'.

expected soon a new curriculum that will include such vocational courses as 'chimney sweeps". special deportment classes in 'doffing cap and tugging forelock' and 'bowing and scraping'. the new home economic classes will also include career guidance for those seeking 'downstairs' work.

ah the tory revolution - not so much back to the future, as all our yesterdays.

soaked

spent a chunk of the night at the tate modern, where i very much enjoyed the gauguin exhibition.

buoyed up by the pleasure of art i decided to walk home. 

perhaps not the smartest of ideas as it was pissing down with rain, but i love the rain. so walk i did. and soaked i was. i may have looked like a bedraggled wookie, but i did have a grin on my face derived from the simple pleasure of seeing glorious art and just reveling in the gorgeous thrill of the rain.

of course my happiness had nothing to do with the fact that the walk along cheapside, poultry, cornhill and leadenhall was full of office totty all going to the various bars and clubs that line those streets.

high heels, short tight skirts: what’s not to like?

art, rain and lechery: perfect evening.

rebrand

i was thinking of rebranding myself.
give myself a make over, a rejig.

i thought i would start with the name and work out from there.
yes i could be pat2.0, but that isn't hip and trendy enough.
i need something that is edgy, that speaks of creativity. something that says desirable.

so i present the new me: the ipat.

(impressed?)

ambition

having watched the milibands do their thing i am struck by just how i lack ambition and drive. some of that is down to, currently, having no goals to strive for.


sure i could run for the mayor of tower hamlets (and let's be honest i couldn't do a worse job than whoever gets it) or i could even run for mayor of london (and let's be... oh i have done that one already...) though i think i should look at something a little more attainable and then work up to the bigger and better goals.



so it is time to draw a line under it in the sand, stand back to look at the whole shebang, take stock, say no more that it is time to get a move on, pull my socks up by their bootstraps so that i can give myself a kick up the backside in order to return to the drawing board to see the big picture. i need to put my foot down and get a move on before the fat lady has sung.

it is time to get my ducks in a line and on the same page, to get my game face on and perform a gut check so that i can man up. i have to step up to the plate, with my eyes on the prize, so that i can knock it out of the park to score a hole in one in order to go the whole nine yards.

it is all about knuckling down with my nose to the grindstone and my shoulder to the wheel because when push comes to shove i have to give it the old college try.

i can’t wait until the cows come home it is all about balls to the wall, pedal to the metal going like a bat out of hell bent for leather. no pain no glory.

the wake-up call has been heard, the bull has been taken by the horns, the box is being thought out of.

the mojo starts here.

drizzle

outside it is drizzling.
winter is here.
yay.

ed

ed miliband is now the leader of the labour party.
i think i would have preferred ed balls.

yet already i am warming to ed miliband just because the news media have already started to attack him for his win. the story that is being spun is that his win was handed to him because of the unions. makes me think that the right wing attack dogs have been let lose.
that alone is enough to make me think that ed is the man.

now what are the odds on the labout party doing the sensible thing and unite behind him?

banned

imagine my shock.
imagine my despair.
imagine my humiliation.

there i was in my local library - sorry i mean idea store - and in a mickey rooney judy garland moment i decided to write a blog right there, right then.
fire up the laptop.
log in.
surf.
and....

crushed - the people of tower hamlets are deprived of my words of wisdom.
yet the idea store (the new name for library) has the works of jeffery archer.
there is no justice.

cctv

cctv the bane of civil libertarians the country over.
bad to have them in our streets – terrible infringement of our privacy.
catch a woman dumping a cat into a rubbish bin or a bloke leaving his dog behind and no one mentions how they infringe on civil liberties.
we are truly a nation of pet lovers.

sensitive

there i was listening to the radio when vicky simister came on, she has started the london anti-street harassment campaign or lash (not quite sure why it isn’t lashc, well i am lash is a word, lashc isn’t).

the main thrust of her campaign is one that everyone can get behind, as stated in their goals “ultimately, we want street harassment to simply be socially unacceptable”, of course this harassment is just one way: men towards women (and transsexuals, because lash is inclusive). i am not disputing that there is a problem; i live in an area where the local young males have extra macho flakes for their breakfasts.
i do have issues with some of the research quoted and the easy way that an american based informal survey of a small group of people can be applied to london, and given the status of fact.
lash does mention two british based reports, containing disturbing details such as around 10,000 women are sexually assaulted every week or that the london ambulance service is called to 450 rapes/sexual assaults a year. instead of highlighting this lash prefers to concentrate on things such as the fact that some women have experienced leering or extended staring.
(oh ok i know i am getting worked up about this aspect of it because i am a bit of a lech.)

where i really took umbrage at ms simister (who i would describe as a bit of alright if i wasn’t scared i would be accused of harassment) is the easy way she described harassment as being very much in the eye of the receiver – so for someone a smile would be enough to cause offence – the question of where to draw the line being one that remained unanswered).

just as i thought that ms simister was guilty of being far too sensitive i see that a union leader is up in arms and demanding an apology.
recently pim de lange, boss of the ferry company stena line, described britons as “quite fat and covered in tattoos”. most sane people would have a chuckle, say “arsehole” and move on.
not steve todd, head of maritime at the rmt union. nope mr. todd is mortified and says that mr. de lange’s remarks were an “"appalling, abusive and derogatory" attack.”
de lange has done the usual ‘comments taken out of context’ and issued an apology, of sorts.
todd, as is usual in this cases, says it is not enough and “is demanding a full retraction of all the statements he has made and a full apology to all british seafarers for his behavior”
personally i would like to think that british seafarers are built of sterner stuff and are not crying themselves to sleep at night because they have been described as tattooed and fat.
oddly the rmt are balloting its workers for industrial action over claims that stena line were planning to hire filipino workers on rates of £2.20 an hour. if i were in mr. todd’s shoes i wouldn’t be worried about the hurt feelings of a few of his members, though i am sure his concern plays well to them, but concentrate on making sure that the issue of low pay was firmly in the public arena and that it was the central problem that the rmt was concerned about. instead demanding an apology for an imagined hurt just means the real meat and potatoes of their compliant is lost in the mix.

while i might think that ms simister picks the wrong examples to highlight her cause, at least she can argue that ‘light’ harassment can grow into a serious problem. all mr. todd has done is paint british seafarers as milquetoasts. mr. todd would be better off using his union’s power to get behind ms. simister’s campaign to stop harassment, at least then he would be contributing to something that is trying to resolve a real and serious problem rather than trying to score points with his members.

now that you have read my guff head on over to the lash website and sign up.

ban

i know i shouldn’t be calling for things to be banned. it is a bad idea; it is akin to book burning.
but just as there are times when book burning is a good thing – such as torching the works of jeffery archer and james patterson. there are also times when banning is a good thing. i may have argued to ban these before, they still deserve a mention.

ban anyone from using ‘narrative’ when they are talking about current events – as if we were all living in a post-modern scripted existence. so in his criticism of david cameron for the poor result of the election he points to the leadership debates as a mistake because ‘it changed the narrative’ of the campaign. when used this way narrative becomes a totally wanky word (i am pretty sure ‘wanky’ is an accepted form of literary analysis) that is full of portentous vim and vigour but really just means ‘shit happens and things change’.
though to be fair i do wish the current government was a narrative as i would skip forward a few chapters and get to the bit where they have been run off by the electorate for being ideological muggers.

ban senior politicians and business men from walking around in their suits without a tie. trust me gents it doesn’t make you look hip and trendy, it doesn’t make you look like you are ready to muck in with the rest of us, it doesn’t make you look young and thrusting. it just makes you look a tad sad with a large dollop of wannabe cred. if you really want to appeal to the kids: get the low slung baggy jeans on and get the wigger spirit on.
actually that i would pay to see: the con/dems as crips, clegg and cameron as homies with their plaid shirts buttoned at the neck, open the rest of the way down, showing the bright white wife beater vest. hell they both have the rappy hand movements.

ban members of the con/dem cabinet telling us how they sympathise with us at the unemployment and misery that the cuts will cause. yes they say we know it is painful but we are all in it together. i guess it is easy to say that when most of the cabinet are millionaires and we are not. we don’t want your crocodile tears you smug rich pricks anymore than we want your deep, dangerous, driven by ideology cuts.
as it looks like we are going to get the cuts, spare us the fake sympathy.

ban the tax payer’s alliance – they have nothing useful or interesting to say. oh and they are cunts.
mmm perhaps that is the beginnings of a manifesto for london mayor. hey and just to do my bit for the economy i would do the job for half the salary boris is getting. i know i know undercutting a working man is not the done thing for those of a socialist bent, as it is boris i reckon i can be forgiven. besides it is not like bojo isn’t already minted.

babestation

i am not sure what is cause and what is effect but when i have babestation on the tv i am reluctant to sleep.
more proof, if any were needed, that i am a dirty old man (though perhaps slightly soiled middle-aged man would be a better description).
but the gorgeous gymnastics of jada are hard to resist.

crikey i need a job....

70th

"Today we salute the few and give thanks for their bravery, sacrifice and our freedom."
so said raf chaplain in chief raymond pentland

i think that pretty much says all that needs to be said about those that fought and died in the battle of britain.

twitter

twitter.
i still don't get it.
just thought i would share.

answer

i know you have all been worried and wanted to know the answer.
what was the question? i hear you cry.

could i tie a tie?

the answer is: yes i can still tie a tie and get a neat knot.

you can all relax easy now.

clue

more often than not the clue is in the name.

oxford university - a university in oxford.
national portrait gallery - a gallery full of portraits.
runcorn train station - a train station in runcorn.
british broadcasting company - a british broadcasting company.

see it is easy.

sometimes you have to dig a little deeper.

the big society.
b s
bullshit.

see it is so true.

dream

there i was walking home.

i was a bit stressed. thinking about the interview that faced me in the morning. do i, don’t i wear a tie? do i own a tie? (answer: i do now). can i tie a tie? (answer: i’ll find out in the morning).

in between sartorial worries i considered the various possible questions and answers. what are your strengths? what are your weaknesses? where do you think you are going to be in 5 years time? answer: who knows, brain hurts, save me!!

as i mused and cogitated movement caught my eye.

hold on! hold on! babe alert.

at the other end of the road there she was a vision of beauty. long thick curly black hair. pouty lips, olived skinned, tall, athletic.

hubba.

oh so much more than hubba. she was hubba hubba.

each step we took brought us closer. the closer we got the more stunning she was. all i could do not to stare, all i could do not to let my tongue hang out.
hold on! hold on! she is walking towards me.
check: is zip done up? yes. phew. check: is anything caught in my teeth? no. result. check: any stains on my t-shirt? no. double result.

as she gets closer she is even more phwoar . she is still coming towards me. a smile playing on those fulsome lips. she puts her hand out to me to stop me.
be still my beating heart.
the voice is like a summer breeze that has smoked too many cigarettes and drunk too much bourbon.
i listen, attentively. hopefully.

“can you tell me where the nearest argos is?”

fuck. fuck. fuck. hear that noise? it is the sound of dreams shattering. shit. shit. shit.
oh you naughty tease.

hiding my disappointment i gave her the directions she needed. i watched her go. bent over and picked up the pieces of broken desires.

interview? what interview?

christmas

as i strolled around my local sainsbury's, agog at the work they have done on it,while trying to work out just what they had done to the main part of the store i stumbled across a sight that brought a chill to my bones.
no: not the shelves filled with halloween tat. so much of it cluttering up the place.
nope that wasn't it.

i was taken with the wall of chocolate gift boxes.
i like chocolate.
and bend me over and insert a mars bar but there you go chocolate christmas tree decorations.

for fuck sake. it is still september. it is far too soon to be banging on about christmas.

so in the spirit of the extended season - may i wish you all a happy christmas.
(don't be expecting any cards.)

hacked

the news international phone hacking scandal rumbles on.

we have had the recent revelation that the standards and privileges committee effectively bottled calling rebekah brooks to give evidence. one of the reasons given for this omission was that there had been a friendly reminder that if the members of parliament pressed news international then there would be payback.
payback in the form of looking for skeletons in the cupboard that could be ‘revealed’ to the public.

i can understand their reluctance to continue. it is not like people are going to rush to the defence of politicians. as one mp, tom watson, has pointed out that the red tops are the big beasts in the modern jungle and they have no predators.

ah tom, tom, tom. you are mistaken. there is a weapon that mps could use against the press barons and their editors. yes tom, unleash the full force of the state against them, have the branches of the intelligence service return the snooping favour. set the spies to look into their dirty secrets and be prepared to publish them – in the interests of fairness, of course.

it is what i would do.

perhaps that is another reason why i am not prime minister.

choice

i can't say i have seen much of larry king.
yet the american interviewer has been doing the job for years and is greatly respected. he has conducted 40,000 interviews with some all of the biggest names in politics, sports and entertainment.
he is also famous for wearing braces.
he has decided to retire, well he is 76.

tough act to follow.
tough shoes to fill.

oh they have chosen piers morgan.
wtf!
or more accurately: what the fuck!!!

each and every time i see piers morgan i just want to slap his smug face until it is bright red.
just more proof that the cream doesn't always rise.

(this has been a blog on behalf of the 'i-didn't-have-much-to-say-so-i-filled-the-space-with-this party. no talk show hosts were harmed.)

balls

a couple of days ago there was an interview with ed balls in the independent. in it he said “i'm more of a risk taker. in fairness to gordon he did take big risks but he agonised about them...”

now i know the macho strain in politics makes it almost impossible for politicians not to try to be tougher than the last guy. there are times when it just comes across as not just empty posturing but also as witless.
for me this is one of those times.

as ed balls was one of gordon brown’s closes allies in the labour government i am guessing that the point of his quote is to put a little distance between him and mr. brown. ed balls isn’t going to dither, he is going to be decisive. fair enough.
call me old fashioned, call me stupid but i have to say i am quite relieved that gordon brown agonised over big decisions, that he didn’t act rashly or without a lot of thought.
why?

because leaders of parties and countries are not playing a game of cards where all that is at stake is the pot on the table and the risk just relates to the person playing the game.
perhaps the reason gordon brown (and i am guessing several other prime ministers) agonised over his decision is that he understood that the choices he made affected the whole of the population and as such shouldn’t be taken lightly.
so ed, if you happen to be reading this (and i am sure you are) if you really want to convince people that you are ready to lead the labour party stop pretending to be so fucking rough and tough, realise that politics is a game, it isn’t. trust me ed we will think much better of you if we know you are thinking about the decisions you are making and that you are giving them some consideration rather than taking a risk on flipping a coin.

cunt

andy hogarth is the managing director of one the country’s biggest employment agencies. in a recent piece in the sun (i know i shouldn’t read it but…) commented on the fact that two-thirds of the people he employs are from eastern europe.
“a lot of it is hard, physical, monotonous work that pays just above minimum wage. for them it’s a good job, but it’s not enough to tempt brits out of bed.”
maybe the problem doesn’t lie with the british worker, but with the british employer?
a while back ian duncan smith teamed up with frank field to find the causes of poverty. in order to save them time, in order to save them money and just to show that i care let me give them a very big clue: “work that pays just above the minimum wage”.
that is where poverty starts.
in and of itself the minimum wage is a good thing, but there is no way that it can keep pace with increases living costs such as rent, energy, transport and food. it is not that people are scared of work; it is that they don’t understand how they can work hard and still not have money at the end of the week.
any system where the wages of the workers have to be supplemented by the state in order that they can live has something fundamentally wrong with it, that andy hogarth can happily talk about the fact that a lot of the work he offers is just above minimum wage is something we should be worried about, if not ashamed of.
as michael moore once said to pointed out to phil knight of nike that if the workers couldn’t earn enough money then they are not going to be buying the goods that are being produced dirt cheap and sold for high prices.
in answer to andy hogarth, perhaps the reason why east europeans are happier to work for minimum wage is that they are not planning on staying here permanently, they are not worried about setting down roots. they can take short term hardships at work because back home the money they are earning here is worth more.
maybe andy hogarth should direct his anger at the employers for not providing a living wage, pay the staff more, get better workers, more people earning, more money spent, more money spent, more things bought, more things bought the more profit there is.
it is just a thought.

quote

i have mixed feelings over tony blair, he is not the demon made out by many, nor is he the saint that some paint him as. on balance he probably did more good than harm, regardless of that the iraq war is going to loom over his achievements.
that the war overshadows him is evident when it came to his book signings. ‘stop the war’ coalition, along with some from the ‘real ira’ were out to protest his signing in dublin. they threw shoes and eggs (they missed) they chanted (including that he had blood on his hands – of course it doesn’t matter that the ‘real ira’ have killed people – they are freedom fighters. no really that makes it ok) and they were outnumbered by those who wanted to get a copy of the book signed.
one of the strands of comment about the event was the cost of protection that was incurred protecting mr. blair. of course one could argue that there isn’t a price too high to ensure that we all benefit from freedom of speech.

in response to it all mr. blair cancelled the signing at waterstones in piccadilly and the book launch at the tate modern. a shame really i had been looking forward to going to both, not that i can afford his book.
blair doesn’t care about having to cancel. the book is selling like billy-o.

oddly he is criticised for cancelling because he is seen as caving into to protests (the same people would have complained about the cost after the event) thus proving that in some cases you can never been right in politics.

over at the daily telegraph they were banging on about how they had an exclusive interview with tony blair, the only newspaper to have one. one of the things that struck me as i read the mary riddell conducted interview was just how similar it was to the andrew marr one i had watched on the bbc. i couldn’t work out if they were told that they could only ask certain questions which meant the answers had a rehearsed feel to them, or that blair had decided that no matter what the question was he was going to give pretty much the same form answer.
in one part of the riddell interview she asked if his dash for cash was unseemly. she pointed out that blair gets £2.5m from jp morgan chase and a reported £2m from zurich financial services.
to which blair replies: “i am basically a public service person. i spend two-thirds to three quarters of my time on unpaid work.”

fuck me tony get off the cross. if i could bag £4.5m a year from doing very little then i am pretty sure i could give up a large chunk of my time to work for free. yet it wasn’t even that that annoyed me it was that the ‘free work’ that tony is doing is all pretty much geared to making sure that brand ‘tony blair’ has a lot of equity in it. that it ensures the tony rolodex is filled with names that are useful to him and to those who might employ tony as an advisor in the future.
it is not like tony is giving up his time to work at his local hospice or is stuffing envelopes for a small charity; no he is doing very public global work. so the ‘free work’ he is doing will all go to fill the coffers at a later date.
if i am honest i don’t even begrudge him that.
what pisses me off and makes my nipples ache in anger is that he has the gall to get all sanctimonious about it, that he gets on his moral high horse about how he isn’t about the money, that he is all about the service.
arsewipe.

when he was being elected he was all about the aspiration. it is a little hard to sell the idea that you are still aspirational when you are rolling in cash
take my advice tony: keep up the good works, just don’t ask us to be sympathetic to all the ‘free work’ you do.

praise

not been a good week for william hague.

after his little bit of a fall of grace a few people have come to offer him support.

on the one hand there is tony blair. i am sure that is just the sort of support william wants right now: from the most reviled politician in the country.

then there is michael gove, at least gove is on the same side as hague.
mr. gove describes mr. hague as one of the most gifted politicians of our times.

now i not sure if that is a damming indictment on the quality of our political class, or if it is a demonstration of just how far off the beaten path mr. gove has wandered (given his education 'policy' he is off the range).

though to be fair mr. gove might be talking about mr. hague's, not inconsiderable, judo skills: including his favourite moves such as 'sweepa himzabed' or the 'myeraka snogerooni'. (sorry cheap shot i know.)

rain

i love the rain. the sound of it. the feel of it.
i love the way it makes the streets look at night.

i really do hate the fuckwits who have umbrellas the size of small countries and don't have the common decency or sense to move their shit rag brolly out of the way of other pedestrians.
if i had my way they would all be waterboarded. it may sound harsh, but trust me the world would be a better place for it.

you know i am right.

cold

i have man-flu.
suffering.
but i will be brave.

hacking

hacking
andy coulson is the prime minister’s chief spin doctor; he used to be the editor of the ‘news of the world’.
back in 2007 clive goodman, the news of the world’s royal correspondent, was jailed for illegally tapping some of the phones of the royal household. at the time andy coulson resigned because while he said he was not aware that the tapping was going on it had occurred on his watch so of he went.
the new york times has resurrected the story because they have a named source who claims coulson knew it was going on and it was much more widespread than originally thought.
coulson denies this.
number 10 are fully behind him (william hague might be jealous… sorry couldn’t resist).
some say that this is just the new york times having a go because of their great rivals the wall street journal’s link to news of the world through rupert murdoch, others are also pointing out that the drink and drug habits of the new source make him totally unreliable.
but surely it just comes down to:
if coulson didn’t know it was going on then he was a pretty shit editor of the paper, so surely number 10 have a pup on their hands.
or coulson knew it was happening but as far as number 10 are concerned that is fine as it is in the past and andy is doing a good job for them. (besides if number 10 want a phone tapped they just go to mi6).
either way the pressure must by on coulson, as the slick machine that was the con/dems is wobbling a bit and only the recent birth is providing some nice happy photo ops.

touched

trying to find work isn't as easy as cameron and the con/dems say, i mean look at what young political advisers have to do to get a job, but there are jobs out there.

under the guidance of a welfare to work scheme (staffed by goal oriented stock broker wannabes) i have flooded the local charity sector with my cv. i have to say i wasn’t expecting much from the exercise. so imagine my surprise when i get a call from the head honcho of a local charity.
she gives me a little spiel about her charity and the work she is doing. she is enthusiastic and passionate about it. we arrange a time for me to pop in for an interview.

that done i go off to check the charity website.
the basic premise is to get the very rich to cough up more of their money that will be channelled into various projects around the world, and that the outcomes of these projects would be measured and reported on.
a simple and powerful idea.
as the big kahuna the founder of the charity has gone from being an ‘it’ girl to standing with the great and the good in order to make some significant change. on the website there she is with ban ki-moon, bill clinton, gordon brown, desmond tutu and nobel peace prize winners. from the world of entertainment there she is with eric clapton, ben kingsley, milla jovavich, annie lennox and others.
a veritable meeting of the great and the good and all for a very good cause.

her vision and passion is infectious. i want to work for the charity. it is an idea that it would be so easy to get behind.

yet for all of that dear reader there was another reason i was looking forward to the interview. you are probably aware of the fact that i am a bruce willis fan. i have man love for bruce, i am in an unrequited bromance with mr. willis and i don’t care who knows it. you may also be aware of the game ‘six degrees of kevin bacon’ (a variation on the idea that everyone is just six steps away from any other person on earth).
so my interview with the charity founder allowed me to come within two links of bruce (me – to founder – to (either) jovavich/kingsley to willis). so when we shook hands it was a fantastic moment.
so close to bruce.

the job? nope not going to get that. shame really.

gay

a week is a long time in politics. events move at a frightening pace and the media moves even faster.
it is even faster in the blogosphere (now i don’t for a moment pretend to think that anyone who reads the drivel i put down pays a jot of attention to what i have to say, but it does annoy me when i have a great blog idea and just sit on it to let it fester and then bish bosh bang the world moves on and i miss out on a timely rant and in the end look like some bandwagon jumper – which i am, though sometimes more obviously than others. this blog is an example of two that i could have written at the time, but didn’t.
so budding bloggers and journalists take heed at the moral of this story: if you have something to say – then say it don’t wait, just do it. (other inspirational advertising slogans are available).
there i was contemplating a blog about crispin blunt, the conservative prisons minister, has announced that he is gay. mr blunt has said the move was difficult for his family and hoped for their “understanding and support” but that he was “trying to come to terms with his sexuality”.
one of mr. blunt’s constituency said that the announcement came as a bit of a shock but it was a private matter for him.
and that dear reader is really the nub of it all. who cares if mr. blunt is gay or not gay? i am sure his family do and i am sure that they will resolve and deal with this in a way that suits them as a family. other than that who really cares?
the timing of the announcement (friday august 27th) has given rise to suspicions that the reason mr. blunt has made his shock announcement is that he was to be outed by the press over the weekend.
again i ask why does the press care? is it in the national interest what mr. blunt does or doesn’t do in the privacy of his own home (all the press coverage is quick to point out that there was no one else involved – just mr. blunt having to discuss his sexuality because a newspaper wanted to sell more copies).
now no disrespect to mr. blunt (who, even though he is a conservative, is probably a very nice man) he pretty much a spear carrier for the con/dems, just a jobbing minister who isn’t going to be the first name to pop into anyone’s head if asked to name five members of the coalition cabinet.
there is no national interest in the story, just prurience on the part of the media. the sexuality of a member of parliament should only matter if it affects how they do their job. although he has not voted in accordance with stonewall’s stance (a gay advocacy group) that doesn’t mean he gone out of his way to butch up his voting to hide or compensate for his homosexuality.
surely we have moved beyond caring what someone’s sexuality is and even more so judging them based on that simple fact? apparently not, as we shall see, for a sidebar in the paper reporting the mr. blunt affair hinted that there was another revelation to come and that a married member of the cabinet was trying to get an injunction to stop a ‘gay story’ being published about him.
let me take you back a few more days to the 23rd of august when pictures of a trendy william hague and his new young adviser adorned the papers. lots of comments about the hip casual clothes that william was wearing, including a baseball cap (bringing back recollections of the last time he wore such a hat and looked like a very uncomfortable man being very uncomfortable). although the story was a sly pop at william hague for trying to dress younger, (to be fair he does look odd. it isn’t because he can’t carry off the outfit, he can and he did, he looks odd because he is william hague and he shouldn’t be dressed in anything other than sensible suits). the more important part of the story was the fact that the young chap by his side was a new special adviser (or spad as they seem to be called) to mr. hague, bringing his team of special advisers to three. chris myers, the adviser, was on the payroll for £30k a year.
hold on i thought, wasn’t one of the charges against labour was the numerous special advisers they employed at great cost to the taxpayer. this is outrageous i was going to thunder in the blog i was going to write that night when i got home. i even know how i was going to finish the blog off something along the lines of ‘we always knew what we were going to get with the tories – it was always going to be a case of do as i say not do as i do.’ it would have been a triumphal blog.
i just didn’t write it.
oh well.
let us move back to the present when the shit storm of hague is gay appears in the press. the proof that he is gay? he shared a hotel room with my myers. open and sealed case there sherlock both of them bum bandits for sure.
now let me reiterate here – it wouldn’t matter to me if mr. hague liked to have sex with men while diving off the wardrobe into a large tub of baked beans as he sang the complete whitney houston songbook. it really doesn’t matter. it is a private matter for mr. hague and those nearest and dearest to him. private. private. private.
quite why mr. hague didn't tell people that he was doing his bit to cut down on expenses - that they were bunking with each other and not bunking up.
if the fact that two blokes sharing a room makes them gay in the minds of some people then there are a few sports stars out there who should be shaking their money makers at their local gay bars.
however unlike mr. blunt there is a national interest aspect to mr. hague’s situation: the simple fact that mr. myers is on the government payroll as a special adviser. that is the question mr. hague had to answer, did his friendship influence him into giving him a nice government salary? not whether or not he played hide the sausage with him.
it was the same with david law; it wasn’t that he was involved in a gay relationship that was damaging, but that there were financial improprieties that were attached to that relationship.
in both mr. law’s and mr. hague’s cases the same questions would (or should) be asked in a heterosexual relationship if there were questions of professional wrongdoings.
as i have said a few times in this piece it shouldn’t matter which way the member of parliament swings as long as they do their job properly. sadly check the guidio fawkes blog (the site that broke the story) and you can see there is still a strong streak of homophobia to overcome.
i never thought i would feel sorry for william hague but i do.
(see i resisted the ‘backing him to the hilt’ or ‘standing behind him’ gags. i didn’t wonder if he drank 14 pints when he was with mr. myers… aren’t you proud of me?)

gross

bath plug hole not draining as well as it should be. oh no!
get the plungy thing and plunge. plunge. plunge. plunge.
phew! that was hard work.
turn tap on.
still not draining.

go out get a proddy thing. prod. prod. prod.
proddy thing also pulls things up. pull. pull. pull.

i tell you 20-years of hair bits is pretty fucking gross and smelly.

drainage is fine now.

(soon to be a japanese horror movie.)

milibands

who would be a miliband right now.
one of them feared by the tories, the other one regarded a joke.
hard to tell which one has been dammed with feint praise or been given a a back handed compliment.

still the question of who will lead the labour party will be resolved soon and that means that labour can start to be an effective opposition against the con/dems.
at the moment the con/dems have an open goal and to their credit cameron and his cronies have been using the space the labour leadership contest has created to redefine the problems that face the country.
that time has allowed the con/dems to lay the blame of the deficit at the feet of public sector workers rather than those in the financial sector who created and perpetuated it. in doing so the con/dems are making sure that the people who pay the most and lose the most will be the poor.

so whoever becomes the labour leader they had better be ready for the fight ahead.

cunt

the con/dems have floated the idea of a graduate tax.
it is not such a bad idea.

not according to robert from knutsford who had this to say in the daily telegraph on monday:
"on average, the graduate will cost the country less than the non-graduate in unemployment and other social benefits, or in prison costs."

of course graduates are never unemployed.
of course graduates never claim any other benefit.
of course graduates never break the law and get banged up.

because a degree isn't just about knowledge - it is a passport to an unblemished life.

utter fucking tosh.

rain

pissing down outside.
i am loving the sound of the rain against the window and as it splashes on the pavements outside, the splish of cars as they go by.
i like the rain.

wanker

"is there really anyone in Britain who needs to beg?
I suppose it’s possible that an honest person, prepared to work and free of drugs, can end up destitute on the street, thanks to some mad bureaucratic Catch-22."

so says the daily mail columnist peter hitchens (now i have to say i have problems with both the hitchens brothers, yet there is a special ire for peter).

his most recent column points to all that is wrong with david cameron's 'big society' idea.

the state may not be perfect at providing care for all of the citizens in its care, it tries its best, is (in theory) impartial as to those it provides care to, most importantly it is accountable to the people.

the charity of the 'big society' moves that impartial care into the hands of private (more often than not rich) individuals. universal care becomes private charity.

for the people like peter hitchens before you are cared for you will have to bow and scrape, tug your forlock and prove that you are the deserving poor.

i suppose peter deserves our thanks for reminding us what the future holds under the compassionate conservatives of cameron.